Nine People To Avoid Like The Plague

Image result for biohazard sign

(not my image!)

For those of you who have read my blog, you probably know I’ve written a post about this before. At the time it had to do with the type of people who had the tendency to detract from black women when they were having pertinent conversations amongst themselves.

This post will focus on the types of people black women should avoid if you’re looking searching for a quality life. I’ve noticed that even though many black women have the makings of a great life, what tends to be the monkey wrench are the type of people black women surround themselves with. Usually in the cases of black women, these people hurt rather than harm.

Naysayers: These people are also known as “Negative nellies” & “negative nicks”. They come in all shapes and sizes but they’re very easy to spot.  For the younger crowd they’re the Chucky Finster of the group. In real life they’re the people who convince black women not travel because of some supposed, always/impending but never seen, disaster. (And no I’m not talking about the people who point out the safety of travelling to particular places, that’s only logical.) The Naysayers could have damn near perfect conditions in nearly any situation and still find something to complain about.  Not only are they an emotional drain and a sensory overload, they’ll have you doubting anything in your life that could be worthwhile.  Suddenly you find yourself deciding not to lose weight after all, not going after that promotion, or buying property that might profit you in the long run.

Beware: Naysayers love to believe that they’re “helping”, “guiding” or being “honest/keeping it real”. The only “real” thing about a Naysayer is how much they need a congregation of Naysayers to keep them going.

I would also be careful of Naysayers simply because you would be surprised at how quick their tune changes when they have something of worth. For example, I recall certain black women actresses naysaying weight loss and health concerns associated with obesity who then showed up 50 pounds lighter, after convincing who knows how many in the masses to follow their deranged thinking.

I would also be extra avoidant of those family members who fit this pattern. As many black women allow family members to have undue influence over them.

Bad Judgement:  Let’s just say that these people are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get from their bag of “tricks”. These people are the ones that have never shown any ounce of maturity, wisdom or discernment.  These are the people you see in the news who decide to meet a man at a hotel after meeting on PLENTY O’ FISH and having dinner at the waffle house and then being surprised when it goes to the dogs. (Yes this actually happened and a virtual cookie goes to whoever finds the article.) These are the people who move in with a guy after only knowing him months and then finding out after the fact that he was a molester.

These are the people who get sh** faced when they need to get drunk or the people who “casually” do drugs or casually, and without much forethought sleep around. They’re the people who generally don’t think about consequences until it’s too late and after the fact. Or they are the people who stupidly overshare every little detail about their personal lives on the internet in failed attempts to get attention.

Beware:  While it might seem “judgmental” to call out these people I’d call it cautious. For every person that exhibits Chronic Bad Judgment (CBJ) there’s probably two or three that have to pick up the up the pieces when they inevitably come crawling to someone else with their tail between their legs. From the friend that has to listen to the *umpteenth* sob story about what they did while they were drunk to the grandparents that inevitably end up raising the kids of that person who just didn’t consider all the consequences. People suffering with CBJ always end up asking their nearest and dearest to pick up the pieces. Or if they’re really terrible, actually end up blaming you for not “warning them”.

Which brings me to the next person:


Drama Queens, Emotional Wrecks, & Guilters (oh my!)

This is a lethal trifecta. For these people, the world is a stage and they are top billing actor/actress. (While the rest of us simply play supporting parts.) If I were to make a professional guess this group is most likely to contain the largest number of narcissists and other similar personality disorders. Regardless, you’ll know one of these when you see them. These people simply love drama. They are the type of people that make bad decisions, not because they didn’t know any better, but because (whether consciously or unconsciously) they need the fuel that drama provides to survive one meaningless day to the next.

They are the type of people who enjoy complaining about every little things because it provides them some sort of emotion (however negative). They are the type of people who are always embroiled in a drama of the week. Or the type of person who loves to rant and rave about their deadbeat boyfriend but won’t *actually* break up with them. Emotional Wrecks are the same way. Like Drama queens they enjoy displaying to the world how angry, sad, happy, mad, touched, offended, etc. they are. For the most part these sort never reach any equilibrium and are very rarely happy unless they are reacting. On the other hand, guilters work in another way. They love to hold what someone else hasn’t done for them (usually whoever is closest) over their head in an attempt to coerce and force the other person to engage in their mostly absurd demands. They believe they are entitled to your resources, time advice, love, sex, money, friendship etc. They believe that if you had simply done something they wouldn’t be in the losing position they are in.

Sidenote: For those who are on certain websites, it’s been impossible to ignore that some people are always enshrouded in #drama. Someone is always getting “betrayed”, everyone is always getting offended, and someone is always on the outs. This is quickly forgotten until the next Drama of the Week arrives. For some, the Drama queen behavior is simply a way to boost page likes and website traffic and fleeting internet fame. For those who stupidly get involved with this foolishness: You are being used.

Beware:  Aside from pulling you into their ish, Drama Queens and Emotional Wrecks are drainers. That is, they are so invested in themselves, and what they think and feel, they are so awed  by the bones that comprise the body, that comprise the cells, that comprise the atoms of themselves that they leave no time for you to ever get anything in return. For black women, especially those who find themselves playing the mule to other people I’d issue a word of caution.  In the past plenty of BWE readers and writers have talked about women of other races who befriend black women and the black women end up the “listeners” or the mammy while they drain whatever they need from black women as they go about their drama.

Drama Queens and Emotional Wrecks are simply looking for someone to listen and usually the nearest body will suffice.  A lot of black women have an issue with feeling sorry for anyone with a sob story and end up being preyed on by men and women alike who are simply there to emote at them.  Do Not Be the Mammy to the Scarlett. Do not let them drag you in. You will know a drama queen or emotional wreck by the way the respond to you. Here is a test, if you begin speaking about your own issues and their jaws go slacked, they suddenly lose interest, their eyes glazed over with pained, forced attentiveness every time you talk to them that is not a coincidence.  Most likely they can’t bear to listen to you because they can’t relate to anyone but themselves.

For guilters, if the majority of your conversations end in some ploy to force you to do something for them they are to be avoided at all costs. These people are out for whoever is dumb enough to let themselves be manipulated because they believe they deserve to have someone else cater to them.  Cut the cord.

Anger Management:

While these argumentative people are entertaining to watch on low budget television from the safety of your own home, I wouldn’t want to be involved with these people on any daily basis. Simply put, these people can’t contain their temper. They are angry! AND THEY WANT YOU TO KNOW, DAMN IT!!!  These people can snap at the drop of a hat, but coincidentally they will always do it when it’s around someone they aren’t intimidated by. These are the type of people who blather about “disrespect” and “pride” only to be taped acting up on World Star Hip Hop for the world to jeer at. These people like attention. They are the ultimate Chihuahua nipping at the heels of everyone around them until they get whatever they feel is coming to them.  They are a loose cannon and to be avoided as soon as you see them coming.

Beware:  More than all the others I would avoid this one. These people are the type to get black women into situations that can quickly leave them drowning. They are the most likely to get you arrested after they assault someone in anger or expect you to go along with them in vandalizing property as “revenge”.  Unless you want 10 to life I’d advise you to avoid them like the plague.

To be noted: Like many abusers these people come in all shapes and sizes and they are very hard to spot because they like to pretend they are not as crazy as they seem.  But sooner or later something will make them blow. This group is also likely to have a high amount of narcissists.

Liars, Cheats, Thieves, Gossipers

Speaking of illegal, these people need to be avoided. Like those with anger management problems this group of people should be shunned. Because they have shown an obvious lack of good judgement and morals with this sort of behavior, it would be foolish to trust these people with anything else.

Beware: This group is a mixed bag. These people seem like normal folk on the outside, they can seems charming and likable but most of the time that is a façade to manipulate others.


Time Wasters/Energy Drains

If you’ve ever seen a dog chase his tail you’ll recognize one of these people. These people spend the majority of their time going around in circles. That is, they aren’t going anywhere. These are the people who complain about their dead end job but like to stick with it. They are the people who want to convince you to get drunk instead of doing something more productive or the people who generally are going nowhere at all and are quite content with their “laid back lifestyle”. For the college students they’re the ones who want you to get high with them instead of going to class or the people who refuse to do work for themselves and distract you from your work. (I’ve actually seen this happen in a college course I was taking. Of course the person being distracted by her dead beat friends was a black woman.) They are also the people that convince you to get blackout drunk before a test when you should be studying.

Beware: While these people love to behave as if nothing matters, until something suddenly does. And then all the time you spent going along with their ideas is down the drain and you can’t get it back.

Also noteworthy: For the younger audience that spends a lot of their time on social media: I’ve noticed websites like Tumblr tend to be a black hole of despair where the entire website acts as an emotional leech. I’ve noticed most of the people on websites like tumblr spend the majority of their time, “reblogging” useless “facts”, posting selfies,  hashtaggin #socialjustice and generally celebrating the fact that their lives are going south.

I know (from experience) how easy it is to be pulled into the TW/ED black hole of mindlessness that is Tumblr. I would caution anyone who spends more than an hour on that website (and websites like it) to step back and take a look at the content you’re coming across. A lot (and I would guess upwards of 50%) of the people on that site love to glorify actual illness such as depression, general anxiety, agoraphobia, social anxiety, suicidal tendencies and other personality disorders and other mental illnesses. On websites such as this uses thrive on staying in a mental drain cycle as a way feel unique or special. While many love to talk about how they “identify” very few ever advocate getting help and usually use their “diagnoses” (usually done by themselves) as a talking point for “likes” and internet fame instead of getting whatever help they need.

You will know an emotional drain because while there may be many complaints there will be a lack of proactive behavior. In other words they will stagnate. You will know a time waster (easy to spot on places like Tumblr) because it will generally not add anything of value to your life when all is said and done.

Promiscuous, Drunks and Partiers

It would be one thing if the promiscuous, drunks and partiers liked to go solo. But, like the time wasters and energy drains these people don’t operate that way. The main goal of the PDP police is to patrol other people’s behavior until they can find a willing or, at the very least, reluctant companion. It isn’t enough for these people to enjoy their activities and leave it at that. If they did I wouldn’t have included them.

For anyone who run into one of them, PDP’s (more often than not) have a general air of discontent (and usually fall into another category listed). These people want to make sure that they pull you down with them.  They are the ones who like to pressure you into taking “just one drink” tell you that you need to “loosen up” that you’re a “goody two shoes” if you’re not sexually active or that you need to have multiple partners before you get married and that if you don’t you’ll never have a good married sex life (yes this has actually happened to me). These are the ones that go out of their way to humiliate and deride you until you give in and join their lifestyles and won’t be happy until you’re as low as they are.

Beware: Those engaged in this lifestyle may choose to do so for a number of reasons (usually most of which are unhealthy.)While they may be able to temporarily enjoy themselves, I’ve never seen anyone who is glad that they kept up their lifestyle long term. Many involved in this group need to feel that they aren’t “being judged” and as a result need to pull someone down along with them, or at the very least, deride and mock you, for your choices so they can feel better about themselves.


If you’ve ever heard the phrase, “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink” this is probably who it was coined for.  The helpless and lazy couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag with a map. Unfortunately for the black women that get involved with these people they end up picking up the slack.  These are the people who are too lazy to get a job and so they need to borrow money from you or they simply can’t find the right job for them. These are the people who can’t raise their own kids and so they pawn them off on their unsuspecting (usually black grandmothers) while they helplessly float from place to place.

Beware:  This willful stupidity is nothing but an act.  If necessary they probably could do what needed to be done they just enjoy having someone else do it for them because it’s easier. Do not be conned or guilted by people who claim they don’t know how to do anything.


Money wasters/Resource wasters

If they were to suddenly win the lottery, inherit from a dead relative, and find a golden goose, Money/Resource wasters would somehow manage to squander it all. The problem with Money wasters is that they are inherently irresponsible with what they have or like to “live like there is no tomorrow.” There is no “planning for the future” no “rainy days” and certainly no “savings”. They love to spend. It doesn’t even have to be useful and it doesn’t even have to be necessary. They are the ones that blow tax refunds on new rims or line the closet with purses instead of investing solidly.

Beware: Black women frequently involve themselves with these people simply because black women always love a down on their luck story. Money wasters/ Resource wasters generally come to whoever is nearest with monetary requests and black women usually have to bear the brunt of loaning money. Do not become a personal bank for people who insist on throwing away anything of quality that they have. And if they begin to guilt you run for the hills.  Black women: I know black women love to give out money for that kickstarter they saw for their aunt’s daughter’s cousin, or loan their boyfriends money to “help a brotha out” (I’ve even found myself doing this with my own family.) Run, don’t walk away.

To my readers: I’m very sorry this post took so long to put up. I’m about to graduate and I’ve been very busy recently and I’ve also been writing a lot.  Hopefully the next post won’t be toolong in coming, (i’m sure it will offend someone). If you want you can join the Facebook page for this blog as I’m on there more than I am on here. I’ll try and do better in the future regarding getting posts out on time.  And feel free let me know if I’ve dropped the ball.

Until Next time,

Stay Neutral 🙂

Reader Question


Hello everyone,


A few months ago I got this email from a reader and I promised I would get back to them.

Here was the question:

Hi, I’ve been following your blog for awhile now and I want to say that I really appreciate your posts. I do not remember how I came across your blog exactly, but it has really helped me validate and consolidate some of my long-held thoughts and observations. I’m 22 years old and I will be starting college soon. I’m going to be studying education, but I’m concerned about that choice of major.  I am wondering if I should study something else that might hold up better in the long-run as teaching is actually my fallback plan. I want to utilize an associates degree in education to teach English abroad. However, it is not a requirement to have a degree in education to teach English abroad. One can have a degree in nearly anything and be qualified to teach English abroad, as long as one gets certified to teach English as a foreign language. So, I am debating whether or not I should get an education degree or study something else that will prove to be more beneficial. What are your thoughts on the current or future value of a degree in education?



First off I just wanted to apologize as this response was so very long in coming, unfortunately there were many things I simply couldn’t put off.  But here is what I think.  I agree that it’s a good idea to major in something that isn’t education. Like you said it smart to have a degree that isn’t education as it isn’t required to be a teacher. I know from experience as my mother is teacher and she majored in a foreign language although she still got a teaching credential. At the moment she does not teach the foreign language so I know it’s definitely not necessary as you mentioned.

I think you’re being very smart by looking towards something that can hold up in the long run just in case teaching doesn’t work out. I don’t know if you have any interest in sciences or medicine or nursing? I can’t speak on the value of having a degree in education but I wills say that it seems a bit redundant to have a degree in a field that you don’t need to become a teacher. Especially when it is your fall back. I believe that your plan is very well thought out and it can never hurt to keep your options open.

To all other readers please leave your thoughts below if you agree or disagree as I believe that having more than one perspective can really help. I might be totally off the mark or have missed a key piece of information.


Until Next time,
Stay Neutral

Christmas 2014 Challenge!

Hi, everyone. i wanted to thank those who’ve continued to add their thoughts to my current post.

Please continue to add your thoughts.

I wanted to alert all of my readers about a challenge that blog MY Place in the sun has created. she’s challenging (as am i) all of us to buy at least ONE thing from bwe supporters and creators. Check her post here for a few suggestions of people to buy from.

Further if you know of any BWE supporters please take part in the challenge. I know I will.

D for Dependency : A Black Women’s Survival Guide

Hello Everyone,

I just wanted to say thank you to all who participated in the last post’s comment section.  With over four hundred comments there was a ton of information that was thrown around and if anyone missed that post and the comments I would suggest going back and reading them. (Yes I know that’s a lot but I don’t think you’ll regret it.)

Today I just wanted to talk to the younger crowd, (and may some older ones) who are having an issue with dependency. I’m choosing to direct my post towards younger women because from what I’ve observed this is when the issues I’ve observed typically start (and the older ones carry the dysfunction taught to them when they were younger into adulthood and pass it on.)

Note:  A lot of this post will be observations and which everyone is free (of course) to make of it what they want and my advice will be at the end.

Because of my job I spend the majority of my day around women and children.  Usually these women are of varying ages and races and so are the children they have, along with their educational level.

Here are the numerous observations I’ve gathered.

*The following will be about all women before I taper my point off specifically to AA BW, so hang tight.

  • Most of the women are of lower socio economic status
  • Most of these women have one child (at least)
  • Most of these women seemed to have no education concerning contraceptive
  • Some of these women have had a history with drugs/alcohol
  • Most of these women are unemployed
  • Most of these women were dependent upon the men in their lives to give them necessities. that includes: Money, housing, healthcare, citizenship, childcare, clothing and necessities, cars/transportation etc.
  • Most of these women have no assets outside of these men. That includes any of the following that I just mentioned above.
  • A majority of these women had and have unstable family lives. *
  • A majority of these women threw away the opportunities that they had.
  • While most of these women are unemployed a large majority are on some sort of government assistance/ food stamps/ “ Disability” ( I put this in quotation marks because I have noticed that there are no discernable reason they should be receiving this and yet I see this is a large portion of their “ income” )
  • Most of these women are short an education and yet they know exactly where to go each month to get each benefit check.
  • Most of the black women have the most kids
  • Most of these women live in chaos.
  • Most of these women have no long term plans.
  • Most of the black women were least likely to have started off married

I can’t say that these observations stopped there. (Although in some ways I wish they had because as I continued to watch I noticed even more disturbing trends among the employees. (I promise I am getting to the larger point that has to do with black women… just bear with me.)

  • Of the very diverse staff (and by diverse I mean most ethnic groups were represented ) I noticed that there were allegiances amongst those who were of the same ethnic groups (with very few exceptions)
  • Nothing was never what it seemed and generally (I would learn later) that a lot of it was a cover for actual illegal
  • I noticed that while everyone there promoted “unity” and “inclusion” underneath there were a number of “networks” or “in crowds” which somehow the black women were never in.
  • Nepotism and Cronyism is alive and well (sometimes to the point of illegality.)
  • I’ve seen people who were supposed to be “neutral” use their own biases when making decisions (as in there was less sympathy by certain people towards certain groups. And you can guess right now the ethnicity of those who received less sympathy.)
  • I’ve seen certain women be used only to fall on a sword for the “well meaning” ideals of others.
  • I’ve watched black women with very impressive resumes not be hired while non bw were hired over them.

What does all of this mean for black women?  You’re probably asking yourself.

Well for those who haven’t already pieced it together allow me. In all of this, I’ve noticed that there is a decided lack of independence and autonomy for the black women involved.

But …but… how did you come to that conclusion? Aren’t you extrapolating your rather weak data too far?

No I’m not. Because when I started working at this organization and even before I always wondered where some of the dysfunctional behavior amongst black women actually started.

I always wondered why black women weren’t #winning and I’ve never been more sure after watching the dysfunctional behavior in action.

And then it hit me. Most of the black women I saw who were clients of the organization and even the ones who worked there had no idea how to do anything other than be dependent on the people around them.

Most of the BW clients were stuck in a very distinct cycle in which their very well being was dependent upon what they received from others. And concerning the black women that were actually employed in the organization, I saw (at least two) allow convince them to act out behaviors that threatened their livelihood or put them in a losing position while there so called “allies & friends” advanced over them, and that was after they used those women as leg UP. I also watched the privileged “woc” condone and defend behavior that was outright illegal of other women who happened to fall into their circles (read ethnicity).

And when I look at the larger world I see this behavior ALL THE TIME.

Maybe I’m not being clear (and forgive me as I try and make my point), but I notice that most black women allow themselves to be the charity case to whichever benevolent benefactor decides to come along and throw scraps their way.

(I know I’ve written about something like this before. In fact, I distinctly remember how I famously attempted to convince black women to create their own media and some very special snowflakes basically referred to me as a tyrant. Lol. But what I’m suggesting for black women is more important than media representation.)

Unlike the WW and other non BW women who came in and out of the organization BW do NOT have the infrastructure, cultural support, familial support to be dependent on anything and anyone that orbits them.  BW do not have this option to simply wait for someone else to deign to give them something.

I would advise most black women to minimize the level of dependency that they have on outside sources.  And no I don’t mean, shut yourself in your houses, never get married/have kids, and work yourselves to the bone to prove that you’re independent. *Rolls eyes sarcastically*. I know some of ya’ll like to pretend I’m some demented loon coming up with things to make your lives miserable.

What I mean is black women need to cultivate and environment which they can sustain themselves, and surround themselves with likeminded ALLIES (see my previous post on allies have linked below) who want the same things and who are TRUSTWORTHY.

SO here is my advice:  (and for the Veteran BWE writers and anyone else who has any ideas PLEASE post in the comments.  The comments that are posted further along the conversation to levels even I couldn’t take it and provide much needed points of view. And I know the Veterans have already written about this in the past.)

Remember that having a college degree is extremely important. I noticed a number of commenters say that it would be extremely wise to major in STEM areas. And while I note that this is very good advice, I would also like to remind black women that it would be a good idea to secure, land/ housing (that doesn’t have a mountain of debt attached to it) sooner rather than later.

I’m not saying to forgo college completely, what I am saying is that it would wise for black women not to get caught up in that a degree process that is falling apart as we speak (even for white people.) And as some commenters point, out many blacks are NOT majoring in any areas of study that will give them a return on their debt. To be honest, that is why I am in less of a hurry to simply go to graduate school. I have a relatively good job at the moment (for having no bachelor’s degree). Once I have my degree I will be working towards paying off my student loans within the first couple of years while I save money. As one commenter left in the last article you can buy even micro homes (some with three bedrooms) for a very low price. If you save your money well.

As Khadija has mentioned in many of her posts (and you get a virtual cookie if you can find them) there are signs that the US will be thrust into another economic frenzy in which those who are not prepared will be left out in the cold. (And let’s face it blacks are never prepared especially black women who give away all of their resources) I am more interested in being able to grow my own food/ have my own resources than depending on the government for help (and historically the government cuts funding to those who need it most during times like this).

I would also advise black women, even those who are making tons of money now to live way below their means. I’ve noticed that those in debt are the ones that have the most issues when shit hits the fan. I remember one WW online had a blog about living frugally (she was a SAHM and her husband was a realtor. They lived below their means and paid the mortgage months ahead of time. Which turned out to be good because when business was slow they had the house payments taken care of and she kept a lot of food in her freezer and grew the rest so they survived pretty well until things picked up.)

I would advise any black women dependent upon social services at the moment to find alternate ways of getting what they need (as Khadija has said it is very wise to have multiple streams of income).

Have a back-up plan just in case your career plans sour.  I remember watching a movie in which a white family lost their job (they guy was rich) and were forced to give up their lifestyle. Of course their idea of a tragedy was having to move to a very nice farm with a horse that they owned outright and which their family lived down the street.  What struck me about that movie is that SMART people have some sort of safety net just in case SHTF later. The current economic situation in the US and the faulty way that the system is set up means that many people will be heartbroken again.

Be wary of people who want to make waves/ and use you as the poster child for revolution at your job.  And don’t depend on these people to have your back after their attempts sour.  The most heartbreaking thing I’ve seen was a young BW around my age basically fall on the sword for a well-meaning WW intent upon doing exactly this.  This black women put herself in the line of fire, ultimately leaving her no choice but to quit, after years of emotional trauma and retaliation. This women of course had no one to come to her aid. And it took me a while to realize that the WW had far less to lose than the black woman who’d gotten involved.  Meanwhile everyone else sat back and watched it all go down.

If any black women are aware of illegality or impropriety going on at their jobs I would advise you to act stealthily. For example I know there have been more than one rumor of embezzling at this organization. and If you can’t quit your job (which I can’t at the moment) I would advise you to keep a record of EVERYTHING. I currently make copies of anything thing suspicious. I take pictures; I copy my paychecks and my time card and keep records of the rules in a safe place that way nothing can come back to me. If you have enough evidence to report (which I also wanted to do) I would advise you to take your evidence quietly to the proper channels.  But do NOT come at people who are known for impropriety and simply call them out in public. Not only will you get a mark on your back but if you are unsuccessful you may have a problem later.

Only you know your boundaries. Do not let someone drag you into a mess they won’t bother to clean up. Do not let someone else make trouble for you. Other people only risk what they are willing don’t let someone push you past your comfort zone and don’t depend on someone else to fall on that sword when the time comes. Too many people like to allow BW to be the sacrificial lamb and go first.

DO not depend on acquaintances to have your best interests.  Simply because someone is smiling does not mean they are going to help you when the time comes. By all means find allies, but find ones that are actually going to benefit you not simply suck you dry. Remember some people are only looking for a step up. I saw this at work with a black women who was friends with a non-black woman. While the non BW took the fast track to get hired she did nothing to help her so called “friend” also get a job in an opening that would have suited her well.

Don’t depend on men to suddenly make your life perfect. I know this might offend some, but I have to be honest; from some of the clients, most notably the BW, Their problem were anything but solved when they “had a man”.  And not this isn’t some “don’t need no man” strong black woman trope.  I support black women dating whoever they want and pursuing all options, and I’m thrilled whenever I see black women get the love and support/ be cherished like they deserve. But I’ve notice certain factions seem to believe simply having a man will somehow replace all the trifling, ill though out, ill planned, idiocy that they allow to seep into their lives. By all means have love in your life, but for the love of almighty get your shit together.  How can you love someone else when your life and everything in it is mess? For example I want to get married very soon and have already taken the steps to do so.   At the same time I’m also aware of the importance of having my shit together which is why I want to be relatively debt free and have a long term plan too.

DO not depend on others to put your safety first.  I’ve seen many black women put themselves in dangerous situations mistakenly believing that they are going to be protected when the time comes… They are wrong. I’ve seen this with the clients who come in. Many black women have multiple kids, and depend on FATE to determine if they are going to have children. They take no proactive, protective measures against an ill-timed pregnancy (with some random man) and generally seem unconcerned with what they’re doing or how it will affect their children.

Edit To Add:  Do not depend on the ailing health care system and rising costs to fix your ailments. Before our eyes the health care system is falling a part. And if the economy blows up so might that health care you have. As other BWE writers have said, take care of your health. So in case that happens you won’t be out in the cold trying to pay for treatments that would be preventable. Try keeping in shape and eating as healthy as possible. I’ve learned that many illness are preventable if people sustained healthy lifestyles.  Remove, the hormones from your food, try and go sugar free (it is hard but at the moment I’m learning how to get buy on only thirty grams a day which is the recommended value for women) exercise. I know things happen but you’d be surprised at how much you can prevent with the right lifestyle.

Further, and I’ve said this a million times, do not depend on WW or BM to tell your stories about YOUR suffering.  I’ve said before putting your eggs in that basket you’re bound to wind up with an omelet you weren’t looking for. Speak for yourself and find people who are allies and will do it for you when the time comes. (For the new ones go back to my “posts you may want to read first” tab and start from the beginning.)

Finally, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, despite all the people I manage to piss of when I do; do not depend on people to represent you in a way that will benefit you when they have a proven history of putting themselves first. That is insane. Recently, I’ve became enmeshed in the Sleepy Hollow fandom. I enjoyed joining the forums (and even enjoyed shipping). To be honest I wanted to see if MAYBE my previous assertions (about BWiF) would be proven wrong.

Hell, I know some people didn’t believe my previous posts about BWiF and honestly I wanted to be proven wrong just once in my life. Unfortunately as I predicted this show has started to sideline the main BW character in favor of the WW character and co (which I called last year I believe). and I’ve decided to pack it in. Now, I’ve noticed a number of people are also angry (and for a split second I was too.) Although for me that went away almost immediately, Because I know that if I want something to represent me I’ll simply create it myself and I accept that show wasn’t created for me in the first place.

I’ve warned ya’ll before to watch what you watch.  Be careful before you invest (I never watched the show live or anything like that because I refused from the beginning to help them with ratings before I knew what was up.)  Further I’d say again maybe black women wouldn’t be so upset with this if they created their own media. (I’m currently in the middle of finish a series so I’m good.) If you want representation get it yourself.  The difference between others and black women is that they have their own self-sustaining media machine to paint themselves in the best possible light. It would be wise for black women to catch on and stop living solely for scraps.

I know many young black women think that I’m “doom and gloom” to point out these things; that I’m making it up (I have no idea why since I’m not getting paid for this and receive no monetary endorsements). In reality after watching the bewildering process of all the black women around me get screwed I’m hoping that even one BW will heed some of my advice.

But if you reject everything else remember: you are not helpless. You are worth more than scraps.

Until Next time,

Stay Neutral

Next Post (tentative title)

Speak for yourself : A cautionary tale


Hello everyone, I hadn’t expected to be back so soon but because of certain events in Ferguson and black women’s continued misbehavior I thought it time. I have been on the NYGF Facebook page talking about this but now I’m going to make a full post because I feel that at this point I have to say something.

To any and all black women reading this post:

Don’t be a fool.

If you believe that “saving” black MEN is going to be a successful and further more FRUITFUL endeavor, quite simply, you are a FOOL.

You need to get your life.

I have seen numerous pictures of black women  stupidly deciding not only to harm themselves going to these protests but to  put themselves in the role of MEN and place themselves in harm’s way.  On top of it all, they are now bringing their CHILDREN into the mix.

Yes these SICK bastards are using (yes I said using) CHILDREN to help their “cause”. Disgustingly enough when I hear the news talk about children being tear gassed I never hear anyone ask why there were children there to begin with.

Since clearly some black people are lacking the common sense to behave decently I will say this:

I rebuke any and all behavior in which children and the elderly are put in harm’s way. Just because grown adult black women have decided to be stupid enough to be the “grunts” doesn’t mean that you are allowed to put your CHILDREN in harm’s way for a cause.

I guess to some the lives of ADULT BLACK MALES is worth more than that of CHILDREN.

To those people: you are despicable and VILE and deserve to have your children taken away by CPS.

You are repulsive, and the world can see your foolishness.


For the black women who continue to “cape” for grown ass men who have never seen fit to even make a grumble for a black woman when they are killed.


This may sound cruel, but thing of it is I’m dead serious. Some of ya’ll are acting as if the BM of the WORLD will f-ing fall apart if your dumbass isn’t there.  When really ya’ll need to #stayoutofit

These black women (you may be one) feel the need to SPEAK FOR, MARCH, and literally yes literally, physically protect MEN who can (But WON’T) protect themselves.

These black women (perhaps you)  probably feel something is wrong with the “black community” because they don’t support black women.(Somehow you were “conscious” enough to notice that but NOT conscious enough to STOP being the reason WHY BM don’t support you to begin with!)

These Black women use the folly of “What if this was my -….. I should support them.” And you probably don’t realize that black women can NOT be the speaker for MEN.

These black women (be honest I’m probably speaking to YOU) probably have built NO infrastructure in their lives, and are constantly finding “causes” to fill in the BLATANT holes in their own lives.

I’m not going to speak about the folly of black women supporting people with privilege. I have already written on this before. for any newcomer who has yet to read my most pertinent posts on NEUTRALITY start with the ones in the links below.

Let me explain this once more. Just because, black women help BLACK MEN escape police brutality, it does NOT mean that said black WOMEN will be extended the same rights. As I have stated on FB, I have seen numerous posts giving saying  that black WOMEN who were victimized by said “enemy” were at fault for the SAME behavior that,before (when black men were involved of course) had people riled because it was a #civilrightsviolation.

Black MEN want to be Equal with WHITE MEN. That means having both racial and sex privilege. That means they have to have someone to be OVER. That means they have to keep YOU (who lacks both) in their place.

So black women joining the front lines with MEN, supporting them, and DYING and getting injured for their cause, will find later that this will all come to nothing. Except you will again be considered a mammy, a mule and masculine fool. Further, you can be damn sure once THEY get privileges to keep theirs they will BLOCK you from any protection.

These same men will drain you of your time and resources to get a step ahead then they will quickly cast you aside.

But, but, but, I have to stand for what is right! #justice!

Your righteous hypocrisy is clearly visible.  Your willingness to stay silent while your daughters cousins, mothers, sisters are hurt (and unbelievably on Facebook I’m hearing that black women are being harassed by the same black MEN they are marching for. one woman was shot in the head and STILL got back out there) while laying your life on the line for coddled black men is not only hypocritical, It’s dumb as hell.

Justice is not selective. Justice is not protecting those who have more privilege than YOU and can fight for themselves. Justice is not hypocritical. Those of you spouting the MORALS of why you’re behaving in certain ways act as if the world can’t see you and you hypocrisy.

Those of you crying that black men won’t march for you/ respect you even while you march and protest for THEM, don’t realize that YOU are teaching MEN to need WOMEN to do for them. YOU are creating the cycle of black men who can’t seem to get their shit together.

I’ve said before in a racist and sexist world black women taking on “mens” roles will NOT mean that YOU will get said privileges. It will mean that the  same people that needed your help will revile you later.

Further it is clear you block heads have nothing in your life.

Newsflash: When the media leaves. When the liberal white people looking for a good cause to add to their “hashtag activism” (Thanks WOAD) find a new “cause” to watch like a spectator at a circus, when all the #feminists move on to something else,(and note most white people upset aren’t MARCHING or Harming themselves) Black WOMEN and their children are still going to be stuck in the same shit hole they were before.

Because instead of protecting THEMSELVES, these dumbass black women (maybe you) didn’t think to prepare for the inevitability of their lives turning to CRAP. Instead of focusing on grown adult males that can fight for themselves and are only using you as a temporary buffer, why don’t you spend your time getting the fuck out of neighborhoods like this.

Why don’t you spend time finding a way to provide for you children

Why don’t you see about making sure you don’t have to live in the brutal conditions you live in for the REST OF YOUR LIFE? Which won’t be long.

For the black women online who are watching and “supporting”, why don’t you get OFF line? Why don’t you open a CD and save money. Why don’t you spend your time building an emergency fund for you and yours? Why don’t you prepare yourself for the inevitable peace walls that will go up and the resources run out. *Khadija has talked about this before numerous times if anyone can find those posts I will give them a virtual cookie*

Like I said on Facebook, when you are as poor as Job’s turkey it makes no sense to give said turkey AWAY.  For those women who are Christian, the bible says nothing about giving away your resources when YOU are poor yourself. Or to People taking ADVANTAGE OF YOU.

And as a collective black women are POOR.

Hell, when the average amount of money black women have is 1$ then you are POOR.

Instead of investing in the lives of black MEN you don’t know, bussing down to states you DON’T LIVE IN, why don’t you invest in your children’s future and save that money. Why don’t you spend extra time looking up scholarships so your kids can go to college? Hell, why not simply make sure your kids are keeping up in school NOW.

Instead of #bloggingforblackboys,  Why don’t you blog about the emergency food sources you’ve created, why don’t you blog about the emergency water you’ve bought. Why don’t you blog about how you’ve gotten out of debt and prepared yourself in case you lose your job. Why don’t you help other black women do this?

Why don’t you blog about the property you own.

Instead of getting upset at post like these

Why not get angry at the fact that YOU have nothing tangible in your life to protect your family from harm.

Instead of #marching, #boycotting #hashtagging why don’t you build infrastructure that can actually HELP black people, instead of behaving as if this is the civil rights days.

Instead, teach them that the best type of power is the power that comes from building a life that can produce something TANGIBLE.

Instead of teaching them to #march or #hashtag why not teach them how to get their SHIT TOGETHER.

And instead of getting hurt, maimed, beat up, harassed, abused, for a cause for a group that HATES you and YOU won’t BENEFIT from,

Why don’t you


Until Next Time,


What’s In a Name?

Greetings Readers,

Today I’m going to write this post using SpongeBob gifs because clearly people have proven from the reactions to the last few posts, and continue to prove daily that they’re one synapse short of a working brain.  Since spongebob seems to be universal and I’m determined to make it so easy a caveman can do it.

One phrase I continue to see splattered across the internet is the word “ally”.  People calling themselves “allies”, people claiming to be “allies”, people claiming they need “allies”. Yet, among the majority of the population of black women young and old, I notice that very few people actually can go about correctly identifying one.

* Note: To Khadija, Faith, Halima, and Evia I know that you all have talked about this topic in your own forums multiple times.  Please feel free to post those links in the comments section if you’d like to/ have the time.   I am in no way trying to erase what ya’ll have done. Your comments in this forum have helped greatly.

As I’ve said before there are plenty of BWE writers who have clearly written on this topic

I’ve attempted to broach the subject of black women getting screwed by self-serving groups

Aside from that, I’ve spent my entire blogging “career” writing about black women who get okey doked by the same groups over and over, and the importance of STAYING NEUTRAL to serve your own best interests and yet many black women continue to get PLAYED.

By foolery like this Time Article ( I will not link find it yourself)

Dear Black Women: White Gays Are Your Allies, So Don’t Push Us Away

Or they continue to be played by events like this

And express thoughts, lament all over the internet their hurt feelings  that they couldn’t believe that what I have said happened actually happened. And cry about the allies that never were.

It appears that the majority of black women fail to comprehend this very basic concept.

Or completely miss the point.

LOL spongebob spongebob squarepants omfg patrick patrick star fuck yea the lid

So I will try to explain this very simple concept and hope that somebody somewhere will be able to firmly grasp the idea of what an “ally” actually is and actually does.

* Side note:  To the dissenters  who think their insipid, and ill thought out remarks are helping the conversation, to the people who live outside of the USA and can’t firmly grasp the concepts and issues that AMERICAN BLACK WOMEN have: Please take your attempts at “saving us from groupthink” or giving “fresh prospective” elsewhere.  BWE was set up by a group of women who already had their tenets established. If you don’t agree with these tenets that is absolutely fine. But THIS is a blog that does. You are not helping. You are NOT providing us with any great philosophical debates. This is not an open forum where people throw out random ideas that have nothing to do with the actual topic or have been proven to hurt aa bw. If you disagree fine but the people that clearly are only here to stir up trouble, and the willfully stupid/ perpetually surprised can GO. NYGF does not want you here. Further, I don’t care about your platitudes, what Confucius says, hell I don’t even give a damn what the fox says. I am only interested in helping black women in PRACTICAL ways. If YOU cannot apply it, fine. But do not tell me other women can’t use those techniques. Or that they are simply crazy.

Take your fortune cookie life strategies OFF MY DAMN PAGE.

In very pointed other words:

You are not welcome here.

Meanwhile, to the people who actually believe in the tenets that BWE founders actually established let’s get on with the post.

To clarify I decided to go straight to the dictionary since plenty of people have attached connotations to this word that would make Webster turn over in his grave.


[v. uhlahyn. al-ahy, uhlahy]  Show IPA

verb (used with object), al·lied, al·ly·ing.

to unite formally, as by treaty, league, marriage, or the like (usually followed by with  or to  ): Russiaallied itself to France.

to associate or connect by some mutual relationship, as resemblance or friendship.

Likewise here is the definition of alliance.


[uhlahyuhns]  Show IPA


formal agreement or treaty between two or more nations to cooperate for specific purposes.

merging of efforts or interests by persons, families, states, or organizations: an alliance 

between church and state.

As you can see the basic definition of an ally and alliance have to do with FORMAL agreements, they are a MERGING of efforts and for people with LIKE INTERESTS. That can benefit BOTH PARTIES.

It does not involve CAPING for someone who never agreed to RECIPROCATE for YOU. It does not mean laying out the red carpet for people who have not proven that they will ever return in the future. It does not mean laying out the red carpet for people who simply have a “ likeness”  to you. Or will separate from you at will. It does not mean laying out the red carpet for people who wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire. And it certainly doesn’t mean refusing to follow the money trail first.

I continue to see black women refuse to follow the money trail or fact check and they watch as their lives crash and burn. 


And I’m not simply talking about black women’s overwhelming compulsion to support/ serve self serving “ new black”  celebrities wannabe  “ feminists” and their crew. I’m talking about women who pour their resources into people in their personal lives only to find that they were left empty handed.

I’m talking about black women who support any cause for the sake of being as other authors have said “Progressive” meanwhile those groups virtually pump and dump black women once they’ve gotten what they wanted.

I’m talking about black women who’ve sacrificed their health, wellness, safety, sexuality, representation, lifestyle and existence, in support of the lifestyles of people who will NEVER put their money where their mouth is.

I’ve also noticed that there are a group of black women  are perpetually played by groups of people who don’t know or care about BW’s strife/ troubles and fall for their lies that black women should put others before themselves.   These groups have got a great scam going. They effectively have numerous plates spinning and are able to zap black women of their resources with all manner of excuses.

I am here to tell you that it is not NOBLE.

Let’s be real for a moment. It is not noble, likable, or admirable to “cape” for groups who don’t pay up.  People do not respect you. And the smart ones know exactly which trees to tap to get syrup.  Don’t be the tree.

I’ll also take it one step further since I know that some of the black women here are Christians in some way. The bible doesn’t take providing for others, while not keeping you and your family afloat lightly. In fact I read a very good article that I think other black women (if you are religious that is) might find valuable.

It’s about what to do when you are being taken advantage of.  Some black women think they’re being “Christian” when they give up their lives resources for so called allies.  You are not.  The bible says you should “give one coat, when you have two.”  NOT take the coat straight of your back and freeze yourself. Especially if the person has more than you. There ain’t nothing smart or noble about being a fool. You just look like a fool. And people notice it. Which leaves you open to further degrading.

YOU can’t be an ally until you can help yourself.

And you CERTAINLY can’t have an ally until you know what that means. I see some of ya’ll walking around behaving like this

gif LOL funny spongebob spongebob squarepants patrick patrick star big pink loser

While your personal lives are a complete and utter mess.

So here are a few tips to help you identify one.  If anyone has any articles on this subject please add them.

  • An ally doesn’t need to be coerced, jabbed, threatened, boycotted, shamed into doing what they are supposed to do. They simply do what they’re supposed to do
  • An ally doesn’t bad mouth you/ shame/ degrade you.
  • An ally doesn’t take without giving anything back
  • An ally doesn’t get angry/ peeved/ upset/ gaslight you when you want to look out for yourself
  • An ally has a history of helping
  • An ally doesn’t have a history of using whichever group as a mouthpiece for their own interests.
  • An ally doesn’t use you as a leg up and never reach back to pull you up also.
  • An ally has something in common besides skin color/ ladyparts. As other BWE writers have said, all skin folk aren’t kinfolk.
  • An ally doesn’t degrade / humiliate/ taunt you.
  • An ally doesn’t sit back and watch others degrade humiliate/ taunt you.
  • An ally doesn’t make you do the brunt of the work, or watch you mule for them and carry the load.
  • An ally gives to the people they are in an alliance with.

Here’s an example, years ago my grandparents moved to a very nice area in California in the 1960’s. This was before the entire town was what it is today. During this time all the land around their house was free and un owned farm land. Their neighbors (a white couple) somehow knew that the land was being sold.  While they bought land, they never bothered to tell my grandparents who would have liked to by land that it was for sale and so my grandparents missed the chance to expand their property. Thus now it is owned by someone else. (presumably white considering the towns ethnic makeup). My mother always remarked that while those people skinned and grinned in their faces feigning friendship, they never bothered to let my grandparents in on that secret.

In other words they are not an ally. They did no lend any advice, they did not help. They smiled in their faces and betrayed them.

This is what I see happen to black women all the damn time.  Someone comes in, spins their plates meanwhile they’re going places and doing things without letting you know the deals they’re cutting with their real allies.

For black women, who appear to be the largest group getting taken advantage of. I would advise you to wait and see what others will do before signing on the dotted line. OR cut the ties you have with people draining your resources NOW.

In other words stay neutral.

Until Next Time….


Next Post:  D for Dependency

PS. I created a Facebook account for this blog. I think since I post so infrequently here, I can post there thoughts on what I feel about certain topics concerning black women, without making a full post. Follow if you want, if you don’t want to disregard this message. If it gets too real or too troll-y I’ll probably close it though. But hopefully this will be okay.

The Girl Who Believed Anything


Hello everyone,

Note:  I am currently finishing up this series, along with a few more posts that will come out later.  In July I will be going on a vacation, and will not post again until the fall. Yes, the posts will be automatically published.  Which means you can continue to comment on the posts and talk amongst yourselves.  I will also make sure that comments ( non-spam ones) are approved. In the meantime, I need a mental health break to do my summer classes.



For those of you who read the previous post in this series, it seems that many disgruntled commenters felt as if I’d told them to recreate the formula for nuclear fusion. As some of you had a melt down at the concept of reciprocity, which every BWE writer has talked about in some form or another.


The most striking thing was that so many people seemed to miss the entire point. (and I knew they would, which is why I planned to write this follow-up post).   Allow me to explain.

First, a detour:

There are a number of black women online, and I am POSITIVE it transfers to real life, that simply believe ANYTHING.  This is not meant as an insult, but for many black women whether this happens from a lifetime of being gas-lighted or simply refusing to listen to reasonable people assert reasonable things. These black women absolutely refuse to access the system upgrade required to practice discernment.

These black women, yes I’m probably speaking to you, have the mind-boggling problem of  simply ACCEPTING ANYTHING AT FACE VALUE  without ever doing what is called “fact checking” first.

This lot, because of their denial of the necessity of fact checking, their absolute refusal  to check the fruit of the vine BEFORE they irresponsibly jump in head long; and their outright dismissal of anyone who has gone before them and knows with certainty the ending results, consequently, leaves many of these women * perpetually surprised*  as many BWE writers have described. ( A virtual cookie will be given to the reader who knows which writer(s) said this. I have forgotten, bonus cookies if you can find the post for me.)

These women, only after they have been perpetually surprised over and over again (be honest its happened to YOU), then bemoan the fact that their lots have been cast and they are stuck perpetually at the bottom of whatever totem pole they have found themselves.

How do I know that YOU are TGWBA?

You are pretty easy to identify.  You reek of a naiveté that most people can see coming a mile away. You are probably stubborn, but most likely, unhappy.  You absolutely refuse to consider anyone who wants to let you know that you could possibly be making a mistake.

(and you very well may not have commented on the last post but I know you are out there)

Further, I have noticed some key things about these women, in particular, that give proof to these findings:

  • You listen to rich “celebs” about how awesome certain lifestyles are even though they are not practical for someone without a ton of money.
  • You probably voted for/ promoted certain political leaders *cough* Obama *cough* because of “unity” yet never did any “fact checking” to make sure that he would actually “pay up” to black women.
  • You support any cause without researching WHERE that money is being funneled to and are always *sarcastic gasp* shocked when that money ends up in the hands of  abusers, detractors, silencers, people outside of the community that you will ever get a return in, BW haters, etc.
  • You probably saw the movie Red Tails, Precious, Madea (1,2,3, 4,5, 6, 7…..), The Help, Think Like A Man (1 & 2)  Twelve Years a Slave, Belle, (yes, I went there), Django Unchained because you STILL refuse to believe that the way to become upwardly mobile black women  is NOT  through begging racist Hollywood to give you scraps (most of these roles are offensive anyway).
  • You refuse to do for yourselves, yet, constantly complain that others won’t DO FOR YOU.
  • You have no clue about reciprocity ( this will be addressed in an upcoming post)
  • You have no idea what an ALLY is ( This will be addressed in the same post)
  • You have no idea what being NEUTRAL actually means ( This will ALSO be addressed in another upcoming post)
  • You constantly have your hand bitten because you keep putting it in the mouth of snakes.

These women, probably you, (or the ones who got the maddest at the last post)  simply refuse to listen to people when they say, “it ain’t going to work”.

What is my point?

Despite what some people think, I am not simply here to parent grown women who believe they know what’s best. I do not have sponsors who will pay me if I can convince you not to vote/ pay for people who don’t help you in the long run.

My point is that while it’s as compelling as rubbernecking at a train wreck, it’s completely obvious that black women are throwing away opportunities to do for self in ways that would actually  benefit them, i.e.   “doing for self, keeping ones money in ones pocket for projects that will actually bear good fruit,” etc.

Unfortunately, many women know that ignorance is temporarily bliss.

Which is unfortunate, because this means that many black women miss out on things that could actually be good for them.

If only they would reconsider.




Until Next Time….

P.S. No, I did not just basically call you an idiot and leave you with NO advice as to how not to be the GWBA, that will be addressed in the next post.

P.P. S   A WM reader emailed me concerning the subject of WB Readers (honestly, didn’t even know I had any)  commenting on this blog.  I do not have any problem with WM Readers contributing to the conversation, and I want to let other readers know that this is not an issue.

Special Thanks To BrownSmiles for editing and revising this post for me.

Next Post in Series

What’s In a Name?   “A Reiteration”

Other Upcoming Posts:

“The 2014 State of the (BW) Union Address”

“D For Dependency”

“Considering the Military?  Think Again” ( Yes, I know I keep saying I’ll do this, but I have not had the time as of yet.)