(not my image!)
For those of you who have read my blog, you probably know I’ve written a post about this before. At the time it had to do with the type of people who had the tendency to detract from black women when they were having pertinent conversations amongst themselves.
This post will focus on the types of people black women should avoid if you’re looking searching for a quality life. I’ve noticed that even though many black women have the makings of a great life, what tends to be the monkey wrench are the type of people black women surround themselves with. Usually in the cases of black women, these people hurt rather than harm.
Naysayers: These people are also known as “Negative nellies” & “negative nicks”. They come in all shapes and sizes but they’re very easy to spot. For the younger crowd they’re the Chucky Finster of the group. In real life they’re the people who convince black women not travel because of some supposed, always/impending but never seen, disaster. (And no I’m not talking about the people who point out the safety of travelling to particular places, that’s only logical.) The Naysayers could have damn near perfect conditions in nearly any situation and still find something to complain about. Not only are they an emotional drain and a sensory overload, they’ll have you doubting anything in your life that could be worthwhile. Suddenly you find yourself deciding not to lose weight after all, not going after that promotion, or buying property that might profit you in the long run.
Beware: Naysayers love to believe that they’re “helping”, “guiding” or being “honest/keeping it real”. The only “real” thing about a Naysayer is how much they need a congregation of Naysayers to keep them going.
I would also be careful of Naysayers simply because you would be surprised at how quick their tune changes when they have something of worth. For example, I recall certain black women actresses naysaying weight loss and health concerns associated with obesity who then showed up 50 pounds lighter, after convincing who knows how many in the masses to follow their deranged thinking.
I would also be extra avoidant of those family members who fit this pattern. As many black women allow family members to have undue influence over them.
Bad Judgement: Let’s just say that these people are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get from their bag of “tricks”. These people are the ones that have never shown any ounce of maturity, wisdom or discernment. These are the people you see in the news who decide to meet a man at a hotel after meeting on PLENTY O’ FISH and having dinner at the waffle house and then being surprised when it goes to the dogs. (Yes this actually happened and a virtual cookie goes to whoever finds the article.) These are the people who move in with a guy after only knowing him months and then finding out after the fact that he was a molester.
These are the people who get sh** faced when they need to get drunk or the people who “casually” do drugs or casually, and without much forethought sleep around. They’re the people who generally don’t think about consequences until it’s too late and after the fact. Or they are the people who stupidly overshare every little detail about their personal lives on the internet in failed attempts to get attention.
Beware: While it might seem “judgmental” to call out these people I’d call it cautious. For every person that exhibits Chronic Bad Judgment (CBJ) there’s probably two or three that have to pick up the up the pieces when they inevitably come crawling to someone else with their tail between their legs. From the friend that has to listen to the *umpteenth* sob story about what they did while they were drunk to the grandparents that inevitably end up raising the kids of that person who just didn’t consider all the consequences. People suffering with CBJ always end up asking their nearest and dearest to pick up the pieces. Or if they’re really terrible, actually end up blaming you for not “warning them”.
Which brings me to the next person:
Drama Queens, Emotional Wrecks, & Guilters (oh my!)
This is a lethal trifecta. For these people, the world is a stage and they are top billing actor/actress. (While the rest of us simply play supporting parts.) If I were to make a professional guess this group is most likely to contain the largest number of narcissists and other similar personality disorders. Regardless, you’ll know one of these when you see them. These people simply love drama. They are the type of people that make bad decisions, not because they didn’t know any better, but because (whether consciously or unconsciously) they need the fuel that drama provides to survive one meaningless day to the next.
They are the type of people who enjoy complaining about every little things because it provides them some sort of emotion (however negative). They are the type of people who are always embroiled in a drama of the week. Or the type of person who loves to rant and rave about their deadbeat boyfriend but won’t *actually* break up with them. Emotional Wrecks are the same way. Like Drama queens they enjoy displaying to the world how angry, sad, happy, mad, touched, offended, etc. they are. For the most part these sort never reach any equilibrium and are very rarely happy unless they are reacting. On the other hand, guilters work in another way. They love to hold what someone else hasn’t done for them (usually whoever is closest) over their head in an attempt to coerce and force the other person to engage in their mostly absurd demands. They believe they are entitled to your resources, time advice, love, sex, money, friendship etc. They believe that if you had simply done something they wouldn’t be in the losing position they are in.
Sidenote: For those who are on certain websites, it’s been impossible to ignore that some people are always enshrouded in #drama. Someone is always getting “betrayed”, everyone is always getting offended, and someone is always on the outs. This is quickly forgotten until the next Drama of the Week arrives. For some, the Drama queen behavior is simply a way to boost page likes and website traffic and fleeting internet fame. For those who stupidly get involved with this foolishness: You are being used.
Beware: Aside from pulling you into their ish, Drama Queens and Emotional Wrecks are drainers. That is, they are so invested in themselves, and what they think and feel, they are so awed by the bones that comprise the body, that comprise the cells, that comprise the atoms of themselves that they leave no time for you to ever get anything in return. For black women, especially those who find themselves playing the mule to other people I’d issue a word of caution. In the past plenty of BWE readers and writers have talked about women of other races who befriend black women and the black women end up the “listeners” or the mammy while they drain whatever they need from black women as they go about their drama.
Drama Queens and Emotional Wrecks are simply looking for someone to listen and usually the nearest body will suffice. A lot of black women have an issue with feeling sorry for anyone with a sob story and end up being preyed on by men and women alike who are simply there to emote at them. Do Not Be the Mammy to the Scarlett. Do not let them drag you in. You will know a drama queen or emotional wreck by the way the respond to you. Here is a test, if you begin speaking about your own issues and their jaws go slacked, they suddenly lose interest, their eyes glazed over with pained, forced attentiveness every time you talk to them that is not a coincidence. Most likely they can’t bear to listen to you because they can’t relate to anyone but themselves.
For guilters, if the majority of your conversations end in some ploy to force you to do something for them they are to be avoided at all costs. These people are out for whoever is dumb enough to let themselves be manipulated because they believe they deserve to have someone else cater to them. Cut the cord.
While these argumentative people are entertaining to watch on low budget television from the safety of your own home, I wouldn’t want to be involved with these people on any daily basis. Simply put, these people can’t contain their temper. They are angry! AND THEY WANT YOU TO KNOW, DAMN IT!!! These people can snap at the drop of a hat, but coincidentally they will always do it when it’s around someone they aren’t intimidated by. These are the type of people who blather about “disrespect” and “pride” only to be taped acting up on World Star Hip Hop for the world to jeer at. These people like attention. They are the ultimate Chihuahua nipping at the heels of everyone around them until they get whatever they feel is coming to them. They are a loose cannon and to be avoided as soon as you see them coming.
Beware: More than all the others I would avoid this one. These people are the type to get black women into situations that can quickly leave them drowning. They are the most likely to get you arrested after they assault someone in anger or expect you to go along with them in vandalizing property as “revenge”. Unless you want 10 to life I’d advise you to avoid them like the plague.
To be noted: Like many abusers these people come in all shapes and sizes and they are very hard to spot because they like to pretend they are not as crazy as they seem. But sooner or later something will make them blow. This group is also likely to have a high amount of narcissists.
Liars, Cheats, Thieves, Gossipers
Speaking of illegal, these people need to be avoided. Like those with anger management problems this group of people should be shunned. Because they have shown an obvious lack of good judgement and morals with this sort of behavior, it would be foolish to trust these people with anything else.
Beware: This group is a mixed bag. These people seem like normal folk on the outside, they can seems charming and likable but most of the time that is a façade to manipulate others.
Time Wasters/Energy Drains
If you’ve ever seen a dog chase his tail you’ll recognize one of these people. These people spend the majority of their time going around in circles. That is, they aren’t going anywhere. These are the people who complain about their dead end job but like to stick with it. They are the people who want to convince you to get drunk instead of doing something more productive or the people who generally are going nowhere at all and are quite content with their “laid back lifestyle”. For the college students they’re the ones who want you to get high with them instead of going to class or the people who refuse to do work for themselves and distract you from your work. (I’ve actually seen this happen in a college course I was taking. Of course the person being distracted by her dead beat friends was a black woman.) They are also the people that convince you to get blackout drunk before a test when you should be studying.
Beware: While these people love to behave as if nothing matters, until something suddenly does. And then all the time you spent going along with their ideas is down the drain and you can’t get it back.
Also noteworthy: For the younger audience that spends a lot of their time on social media: I’ve noticed websites like Tumblr tend to be a black hole of despair where the entire website acts as an emotional leech. I’ve noticed most of the people on websites like tumblr spend the majority of their time, “reblogging” useless “facts”, posting selfies, hashtaggin #socialjustice and generally celebrating the fact that their lives are going south.
I know (from experience) how easy it is to be pulled into the TW/ED black hole of mindlessness that is Tumblr. I would caution anyone who spends more than an hour on that website (and websites like it) to step back and take a look at the content you’re coming across. A lot (and I would guess upwards of 50%) of the people on that site love to glorify actual illness such as depression, general anxiety, agoraphobia, social anxiety, suicidal tendencies and other personality disorders and other mental illnesses. On websites such as this uses thrive on staying in a mental drain cycle as a way feel unique or special. While many love to talk about how they “identify” very few ever advocate getting help and usually use their “diagnoses” (usually done by themselves) as a talking point for “likes” and internet fame instead of getting whatever help they need.
You will know an emotional drain because while there may be many complaints there will be a lack of proactive behavior. In other words they will stagnate. You will know a time waster (easy to spot on places like Tumblr) because it will generally not add anything of value to your life when all is said and done.
Promiscuous, Drunks and Partiers
It would be one thing if the promiscuous, drunks and partiers liked to go solo. But, like the time wasters and energy drains these people don’t operate that way. The main goal of the PDP police is to patrol other people’s behavior until they can find a willing or, at the very least, reluctant companion. It isn’t enough for these people to enjoy their activities and leave it at that. If they did I wouldn’t have included them.
For anyone who run into one of them, PDP’s (more often than not) have a general air of discontent (and usually fall into another category listed). These people want to make sure that they pull you down with them. They are the ones who like to pressure you into taking “just one drink” tell you that you need to “loosen up” that you’re a “goody two shoes” if you’re not sexually active or that you need to have multiple partners before you get married and that if you don’t you’ll never have a good married sex life (yes this has actually happened to me). These are the ones that go out of their way to humiliate and deride you until you give in and join their lifestyles and won’t be happy until you’re as low as they are.
Beware: Those engaged in this lifestyle may choose to do so for a number of reasons (usually most of which are unhealthy.)While they may be able to temporarily enjoy themselves, I’ve never seen anyone who is glad that they kept up their lifestyle long term. Many involved in this group need to feel that they aren’t “being judged” and as a result need to pull someone down along with them, or at the very least, deride and mock you, for your choices so they can feel better about themselves.
If you’ve ever heard the phrase, “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink” this is probably who it was coined for. The helpless and lazy couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag with a map. Unfortunately for the black women that get involved with these people they end up picking up the slack. These are the people who are too lazy to get a job and so they need to borrow money from you or they simply can’t find the right job for them. These are the people who can’t raise their own kids and so they pawn them off on their unsuspecting (usually black grandmothers) while they helplessly float from place to place.
Beware: This willful stupidity is nothing but an act. If necessary they probably could do what needed to be done they just enjoy having someone else do it for them because it’s easier. Do not be conned or guilted by people who claim they don’t know how to do anything.
Money wasters/Resource wasters
If they were to suddenly win the lottery, inherit from a dead relative, and find a golden goose, Money/Resource wasters would somehow manage to squander it all. The problem with Money wasters is that they are inherently irresponsible with what they have or like to “live like there is no tomorrow.” There is no “planning for the future” no “rainy days” and certainly no “savings”. They love to spend. It doesn’t even have to be useful and it doesn’t even have to be necessary. They are the ones that blow tax refunds on new rims or line the closet with purses instead of investing solidly.
Beware: Black women frequently involve themselves with these people simply because black women always love a down on their luck story. Money wasters/ Resource wasters generally come to whoever is nearest with monetary requests and black women usually have to bear the brunt of loaning money. Do not become a personal bank for people who insist on throwing away anything of quality that they have. And if they begin to guilt you run for the hills. Black women: I know black women love to give out money for that kickstarter they saw for their aunt’s daughter’s cousin, or loan their boyfriends money to “help a brotha out” (I’ve even found myself doing this with my own family.) Run, don’t walk away.
To my readers: I’m very sorry this post took so long to put up. I’m about to graduate and I’ve been very busy recently and I’ve also been writing a lot. Hopefully the next post won’t be toolong in coming, (i’m sure it will offend someone). If you want you can join the Facebook page for this blog as I’m on there more than I am on here. I’ll try and do better in the future regarding getting posts out on time. And feel free let me know if I’ve dropped the ball.
Until Next time,
Stay Neutral 🙂