STOP…In the Name of Love!


For the past few months I’ve been silently watching the fallout since the disaster that was Straight out of Compton the Gutter and black women’s “rabid, knee jerk support” of all things black and phallic. And I’ve also watched passively and bemusedly, at the sudden torrent of outrage after a black female student was assaulted by a white officer. And through that amusement I watched as, again unsurprisingly, the news broke that there was a group of black teenagers who actually protested the firing of said racist, violent officer.  But it wasn’t until a post on For Black Women ONLY that I finally decided to address what I’ve known for a while and continue to see evidence of daily.

The vast majority of black women have no idea what love is.

There. I said it. Ya’ll know me. And you know I’m extremely blunt. So I won’t even bother to mince words with you guys and make you feel better when I say this again: The vast majority of black women have no idea of what love is.

I’ve noticed a lot of black women, like the ones mentioned by commenters in the post above, claiming that they love black men, that they “love” their  allies, that they “love” their families, and that they “love their sons” et al. But the fact remains, and you can’t convince me otherwise, that MOST black women do NOT understand the concept of love. Since the MAJORITY of the silent readers on my blog have probably never had their warped concept of “love” challenged, I’ll share the insights and observations I’ve collected from working as an advocate for women who’ve had their lives torn apart by “love”.

  • “Love” is not accepting physical, verbal, emotional or psychological abuse.
  • “Love” is not supporting anything and everything that black men produce.
  • “Love” is not sacrificing your wellbeing on the altar of love.
  • “Love” is not lauding any misogyny, abuse, degradation and humiliation to “lift up” groups of people who claim to love you.
  • “Love” is not giving the shirt off your back without reciprocation.
  • “Love” does not equate sex, “friends with benefits”, or Netflix and “chilling”.
  • Love is not begging, protesting, rallying, creating signs, and guilting people into returning some semblance of the same feelings.
  • Love does not NEED to beg.
  • “Love” doesn’t mean never asking for anything in return.
  • Despite the popular phrase love DOESN’T mean you never say you’re sorry.
  • “Love” is not acting like a lady and thinking like a man.
  • “Love” is not acting as a baby incubator for men.
  • “Love” is not simply marrying a “rich” man
  • “Love” is not automatically guaranteed with “rainbeaus” and “other brothers”.

I’m sure I could go on, and I’m sure you’ve got examples of your own that you’d love to include in the comments section (and probably will) but I’m going to leave it there while tell you that the overreaching point I’ve noticed in all of the above is a desperate and cloying (and usually futile) attempt to hang on to anything with a phallus.

These women black women, like the legions of women I deal with every day, are desperately searching for something. Sure these women are claiming to search for “love” but there is something more to it than simple romantic fulfillment.

I’ve noticed that the majority of the women I’ve encountered don’t love themselves.  How do I know? Because they give away all the classic symptoms like someone in the final stages of a disease.

  • These women are surrounded by dysfunctional relationships.
  • These women don’t take care of themselves. (And I mean on every level)
  • These women are unable to even contemplate putting themselves first. (See some of the twisted responses in the last post at the mere *hint* that black women might look out for themselves.)
  • These women come from mass generational familial dysfunction.
  • These women can’t seem to recognize the difference between love and sex.
  • These women support any and everyone who has a nice word regardless of whether the fruit ever matches the vine.
  • These women usually spend an inordinate amount of time on social media self-promoting in the hopes that someone will approve of them. Because in their minds, “Likes”, “reblogs”, “retweets” et cetera all equal some sort of substitute for love.
  • These women usually support systems that directly work to destroy them. (I.e. Straight out of the Compton the gutter.) Newsflash: for women who *truly* love themselves there would never be any debate as to whether they should see a movie like that or not.
  • These women are usually promiscuous.
  • These women are usually “serial monogamists.”
  • These women usually throw themselves at the altar of any two bit, half working phallus.

Listen, I don’t say these things simply because I enjoy stomping on other people. I say this because in my profession I’ve had to watch silently as women with the potential to be so much more than what they find themselves stuck in crash and burn.

I say this because I’ve watched as these people have destroyed the best parts of their lives to fulfill a part of themselves that other people can’t fill for them. And because of that I’m going to take the time to point out, for those who may be confused, that there is a vast difference between attachment and *actual* love.

What is the difference? Attachment is usually about the person who’s claiming to love someone. It is about their, wants, desires, needs, etc. Basically, with attachment, it is about someone putting their wishes for a relationship onto someone else, *regardless* of whether the person returns those same feelings or not.  For example, see the crazy black woman the commenter in the For Black Women Only FB page posted who was holding up a sign claiming to “love black men”. This is attachment at its best.

Black women like this, regardless of all evidence that supports the fact that black men are not that into you*,  lack the self-esteem, self-motivation and, yes, self-love to pick themselves up and find someone that loves them for who they are. Instead they’ve hooked their validation onto the hopes that these random black men who’ve done their best to tell them they ain’t interested will love them in return and validate them.

Because with a crazy scenario like this, these women are silently asking with signs like this and their unwavering knee jerk support, that the objects of their affection return their support and come out with signs of their own. They NEED to believe these men love them because they don’t feel worthy themselves. They’re begging for a response to affirm their existence and their worthiness as a human being.,_Attachment,_and_Attunement/

I have noticed that many black women when talking about their relationships fall on the unhealthy side of the coin instead of healthy love. In fact the links above go in depth on the difference between love and attachment. Specifically the article from did a very good job explaining the difference between love and attachment that I see in many black women.

Of attachment they write:

But when attachment becomes dependency, it is no longer healthy. When people believe that they need other people or things to be happy, they are in danger of unhealthy attachment. Unhealthy attachment is a form of displacement and delusion. We come to believe that the source of our health and happiness is outside of ourselves. Then our identities and senses of self, our ability to feel pleasure, happiness, and other positive emotions becomes dependent on the words and actions of something outside of ourselves. When we believe that a person must remain in our lives or a situation must remain as it is for us to be happy and stable, regardless of whether the situation is actually healthy for us, then we are unhealthily attached.

Unhealthy attachment is a form of disconnection from self. We become so wrapped up in other people or things that we lose our connection to our own centers. A form of distortion clouds our perception, and we believe that our joy and essence stems from that external source – that someone can “make” us feel a certain way, and can take that feeling away. When we are attached, we give away our agency, our power, and our freedom.

You can tell you are probably attached when the idea of a relationship or situation ending makes you very uncomfortable and triggers primal fear. This is not the normal sadness that can happen when we imagine any good thing ending. Rather, attachment triggers irrational terror on a subtle level at the thought of the object of attachment leaving one’s life, which is related to the fight-or-flight sympathetic nervous system activation that happens whenever we perceive potential danger. This type of attachment and fear of loss can trigger all manner of unhealthy emotional states, including depression, anger, chronic stress, terror, jealousy and vengeance. It can cause us to do terrible things, from speaking cruel words because we feel hurt to martyring ourselves trying to make our partners stay with us. It is beyond logic, beyond sanity, and requires both vigilance and kindness to transform.

On a daily basis I these exact scenarios and it’s actually quite jarring. Not only is it jarring but I think in some cases it’s a symptom of some larger mental illness. So what is my point? I’m sure many of you are wondering that by now.

My point is that for black women looking to better their lives and move up and ahead it is absolutely critical to thoroughly consider the emotional entanglement you’re about to find yourself in. It is absolutely critical for black women to not only be strategic in who the align themselves but to also learn to love themselves. (or at the very least learn how to identify what love isn’t.) For some therapy might even need to be an option to free yourself from the baggage that many black women find themselves encumbered with. There’s nothing wrong with that.  And I think many will find that when they’ve taken care of issues such as self-esteem, self-love and self-worth all the other issues start to solve themselves.

Until Next Time,

Stay Neutral.



131 thoughts on “STOP…In the Name of Love!

  1. Yes, unfortunately, I agree with you.

    I think a major problem is that the black community lacks love for itself, but no one is willing to concede that. So, we say we “love” without ever having truly experienced it. I don’t know how things will improve for us, in any meaningful sense, if we don’t start to have a true love for ourselves.

    Frankly, I don’t believe many of us WANT to love ourselves. We PREFER to hate ourselves. “Loving ourselves” would mean being completely satisfiedad with who we are and being fulfilled by our own presence. This is why I also believe we automatically classify any other group’s preference for self as “racism”. We can’t see/understand NOT feeling the need to blend and live with others.

    I have more feelings about this. But, they are almost overwhelming to contemplate. And, at the end of the day, you can’t override another person’s free will.

    I’m glad you decided to directly address “the elephant in the room “.

  2. I see this a lot in the relationships between BW and their sons. Over attachment to the point of sheer blindness. A son with a very long rap sheet, who finally gets caught doing something truly horrible, or even gets himself shot – and the mom is crying to the news cameras “He was such a GOOD BOY!”

    On the other hand, the mothers are very quick to throw their daughters to the wolves at the first opportunity. These young women will then hook up with the first man who will take them, attach to their own sons, and the cycle will repeat.

  3. Excellent post, OLS!

    I would request that we *also* scrutinize the African-American BW (AABW) that we’re currently lifting up. It’s easy to focus on “the usual suspects” (typically, poor and/or Black underclass “Sheniqua”-types) as poster children for what AABW self-love does NOT look like.

    In terms of AA women, I’m more concerned about the subtle wacky messages disseminated by the BW many of us lift up as examples of Self-Loving, Self-Affirming BW. For example, Viola Davis.

    My point of concern is that AA women consistently lift up OBVIOUSLY non-self-loving BW as paragons of self-love. It’s a trick bag and an okey-doke.

    I’m happy to see a “typical”-looking dark-skinned adult Black actress get her shine and her day in the sun. Nevertheless, I think she’s a trojan horse who inadvertently supports more subtle okey-dokes against AABW’s image in a lot of ways—all without realizing it or meaning to do so. I also think the things I find problematic about the images she’s putting out in public stem from what looks to me like a glaring LACK of self-love on her part.

    For one example, the choice to knowingly go out in public as a woman celebrity without any make-up and looking like THIS:

    How many middle-aged, straight, WW celebrity actresses do things like THAT?

    Then there’s the choice to do THIS to her current role, as discussed in this Facebook post.

    There’s a real agenda at work in terms of undermining and defeminizing AABW’s image in mass media. For examples:

    The collective WW image is not damaged by this sort of thing because the default is for WW to be portrayed AND seen as desirable and desired by every type of man on planet Earth.

    Back to Viola Davis, my question is: Since this is her moment at the top of her game, why in the world is she making these types of choices? If she hadn’t gone out in public looking the way she looked in the Daily Mail story I posted above, I would chalk up her apparent agreement to the current twist* in her role as some avant-garde artistic choice. The same for Shonda Rhimes who writes and produces this TV show—who’s another AABW that we’re currently lifting up as a paragon of self-actualization.

    [*I could be wrong about all of these TV shows. I don’t watch any of these shows. I only find out about these plot twists from the Facebook pages that I read.]

    I’m saying all of the above long-winded comment to say that we also need to take a closer look at the AABW that most of us lift up as example of self-actualizing, self-loving BW.

    • Wow, so since the media can’t place black women in the asexual category as readily as they did in the past, now they want to attack black women’s desirability by placing them in lesbian roles. And of course black women are going to along with it, just like what happened with the reality shows. I’m so glad that I don’t watch much television and I’m very selective about what I consume. Well, I guess I’m not ever going to watch that HTGAWM and I’ve never watch American Horror Story.

      • I first noticed the “black woman as lesbian” trope on the show, White Collar, a few years ago. They had this gorgeous FBI agent in actress Marsha Thomason and, of course, her character was a lesbian. That move – no big surprise – soothed many a white girl who clutched her pearls at the notion that she might want Matt Bomer’s character. I stopped watching, and I tune out a show immediately when I see that mess.

        • I have noticed a lot of black lesbians on television lately. I am of the opinion the black lesbian is over represented. The typical black lesbian is not an any shown relationship but we know why the major male character will have no interest in her.

        • Also happened with The Wire, the really attractive black woman on the force was presented as not just lesbian, but the “male” one of the pair, and shown acting like the most unhealthy male on the force in her relationship. And that was over a decade ago.

        • @the practical conservative

          Not only that, the Blk woman cop from The Wire was biracial.

          IIRC no other Blk woman character was even close to likeable. Most were one dimensional throw away chracters when they weren’t mean and abusive as hell.

    • I watched the first season of HTGAWM. I found it to be mentally stimulating and enjoyable to watch, until it turned out that Davis’ marriage to her white husband was dysfunctional. I was curious about the story line, but haven’t watched an episode since. I don’t watch any tv shows regularly, but I am willing to commit to keeping up with one, via DVR.

      I don’t understand what it is with BW portraying BW and their lives/relationships as dysfunctional. I was thinking of this recently. White/nonblack women can have successful movies/tv shows being portrayed as loving, balanced, well-reasoning wives/mothers/girlfriends/lovers/etc. They become popular and adored for being attractive, sane, and focused. BW always have to have some type of problem or imbalance to sustain opportunities or interest.

      I think Viola leaving the house without makeup is part of the BW’s belief that she needs to be the one to “keep it real” or “show the truth of how things really are”. I am happy for Viola, but I really do believe she psychologically embraces that whole “I’ve always been the ‘ugly one’ mentality.” I’m sure she’s endured prejudice, PARTICULARLY from other blacks, but she doesn’t seem to have let go of their image of her. I can understand the difficulty in trying to see oneself through a different lens than the one dictated by your “community”.

      But, yeah, the assault on BW’s femininity, desirability, image, and womanhood IS REAL.

      • Formavitae,

        You said: —“I think Viola leaving the house without makeup is part of the BW’s belief that she needs to be the one to “keep it real” or “show the truth of how things really are”. I am happy for Viola, but I really do believe she psychologically embraces that whole “I’ve always been the ‘ugly one’ mentality.” I’m sure she’s endured prejudice, PARTICULARLY from other blacks, but she doesn’t seem to have let go of their image of her. I can understand the difficulty in trying to see oneself through a different lens than the one dictated by your “community”.”—

        ^^^THIS right here. This is what I’m concerned about. It seemed fairly obvious to me that her choice to step out her house looking like that was rooted in feeling UN-pretty (= ugly) for a lifetime—no matter what folks are saying nowadays in terms of her being beautiful, sexually attractive, etc. in her current TV show. The choice to step out into public looking like that looks like an unhealed wound. A wound that, safe to say, was mostly inflicted on her by other Blacks.

        I’m happy for her success, and I’m not trying to pick on Ms. Davis. She’s simply an example of something I’d like us all to be aware of. AA women do a lot of loud talking and pep rally cheerleading about how good we supposedly feel about ourselves. For the most part, our actions and choices say otherwise. Across the spectrum. Even among those AA women that many of us are lifting up as “Got It Goin’ On” good examples and sources of encouragement.

        • “AA women do a lot of loud talking and pep rally cheerleading about how good we supposedly feel about ourselves. For the most part, our actions and choices say otherwise. Across the spectrum. Even among those AA women that many of us are lifting up as “Got It Goin’ On” good examples and sources of encouragement.”


          I saw a brief snippet of Shonda Rhimes’ interview on a late night show. The host mentioned her 117 lb weight loss. I think she looks ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL. However, I was also considering how the AA woman gets to be everything–smart, beautiful, RICH, successful–BUT “cherished”. Shonda was giving advice about being a “doer” rather than a “dreamer”. I was working, so I couldn’t stay to listen. But, I asked myself, WHY (given her current platform) can’t she present AA women in healthy relationships? I cannot understand reinforcing the social misconception that AA women cannot secure relationships that are healthy, whole, fulfilling, loving, and happy.

        • I like Viola a lot but I’ve sensed her deep-seated issues as well. In nearly every single interview she’s given, she’s talks about how horrible it is to be a dark skinned, poor, Black girl. She’ll give details about what some horrible person did to her one time or another. It’s tiresome and she seems unable to really embrace her success and to fully accept herself as a beautiful actress. I understand wanting to let your fans in, but the public really does not need to know your emotional triggers.

          Another thing that bothered me is that she was very much in favor of the infamous no-makeup and plaited hair scene in the first season of HTGAWM. Now, her character is regularly seen bare faced. Though, at least now her natural hair is styled when she’s bare faced. Anyway, I can’t think of a white woman leading actress who regular shows her bare face on camera. It never happens. Viola is the only one doing it.

        • Lulu,

          I like Viola too but to be honest they way she talks make me cringe. I cringed as she got on stage and talked about all of the roles black women are basically having “robbed” from them and how she basically finally felt equal to white wommen. I was so ashamed of that! She got up in front of the whole world and basically showed people who pathetic and desperate black women seem to be. Smh honestly I had second hand embarassment as she painted that giant ass target on her back.

    • Hi Khadija,

      You’re definitely not wrong about these shows, and the various bw and images that they are promoting. They are like sugar laced with arsenic (a blogger named Miss Glamtastic did a post with that title/subject a few years back), going down sweet, and fun, and trendy, but over the long haul they are poisoning the public image (and the private self-concept especially for young, impressionable bw who have never known the truly positive images and history that Evia mentions) of the “normal, educated” black woman. The subliminal message with many of these characters is that even though you may (appear to) be the smartest, most beautiful, savvy, heart-of-gold woman in the room, you always have some deep-seated, unsolvable twisted dysfunction. It plants a subtle seed of suspicion in the hearts of many people that black women are not worth the risk, and even when they look like a good thing, talk like a good thing, and walk like a good thing, there is always a hidden sinkhole of crazy and desperation that will swallow your love life if you date them, or your business if you hire or partner with them.

      The newest seed of suspicion is (and it is being spread far and wide under the banner of inclusion): Maybe that gorgeous,feminine black woman you are attracted to….isn’t a woman at all? It’s probably a man, who has/had man parts! I stumbled across a soap opera one of my days off a few months ago and there was a lovely black female character who was engaged to one of the main white male characters and he clearly held her up on a pedestal while jealous ww characters repeatedly schemed for her downfall. Suddenly this lovely black woman is revealed (by a tabloid reporter complete with lurid headlines and photos) to be a man! The look on the faces of the ww characters in that scene said it all: total triumph on their parts, with a bit of amusement and contempt mixed in! I only had to see one scene of this show before I flipped back to the travel show I’d been watching. Now the actress (who really is genetically female, as far as I know) is being lauded as brave, blah, blah. The majority of black actresses seem to have no trouble playing these damaging (to bw overall, if not the individual’s career) roles, so I really don’t care if they never get work. I know that if they get more roles and more exposure, it will generally be more of the same nonsense, not less, because of the lack of self-determination among them. Though they happily take up these othering causes now, Black actresses (aa at least) may soon find themselves in a checkmate situation where they *have* to play these *male* roles or be labeled as intolerant witches and run out of the business. With the twisted logic fostered by the bc, some of these women might jump at the chance to do porn in the future just to prove that they are real women! Like Halima highlighted, we are being targeted for disassociation, especially from healthy, protective men, and from mainstream society. I just hate to turn on the computer or tv and see yet another black woman painting a target on her own back.

      All this could be slowed or halted if bw would stop cuddling up with people who mean us no good. Thanks for the reminder, OLS, and for taking the time to post and manage this space.

      • Hi Poweredbyjoy,

        I 100% co-sign your entire comment. I wasn’t aware of the horror show soap opera incident you mentioned when you said:

        —“The newest seed of suspicion is (and it is being spread far and wide under the banner of inclusion): Maybe that gorgeous,feminine black woman you are attracted to….isn’t a woman at all? It’s probably a man, who has/had man parts! . . . Now the actress (who really is genetically female, as far as I know) is being lauded as brave, blah, blah. The majority of black actresses seem to have no trouble playing these damaging (to bw overall, if not the individual’s career) roles, so I really don’t care if they never get work.”—

        {shuddering at this latest sabotage strategy} I feel the same way about the bulk of Black actresses at this point. They’re the same as the drug dealers to me—if the way you pay your bills and put food on your table is to harm/kill other Black folks, then I don’t care if you starve.

        You said:

        —“Though they happily take up these othering causes now, Black actresses (aa at least) may soon find themselves in a checkmate situation where they *have* to play these *male* roles or be labeled as intolerant witches and run out of the business. With the twisted logic fostered by the bc, some of these women might jump at the chance to do porn in the future just to prove that they are real women!”—

        Unfortunately, I believe your prediction will prove to be correct. What you’ve described is where that particular trend line is heading. And silly, gullible, kumbaya AA women will the main ones denouncing any sensible AA actress who refuses to portray a cross-dressing man! All of which is the end of result of (as you said) AA women cuddling up with people who don’t want anything good for us.

        By contrast, White lesbians are *very* clear about THEIR interests when it comes to cross-dressing men (aka “transgender [non]women”):

        • They are crystal clear, and I noticed that they aren’t tolerating the new “vocabulary” and redefining of definitions when it comes to these men. Without strong, healthy boundaries for yourself (and whatever group you identify with), nothing else matters! Resources, time, energy, and lives run out and away from you like water through a sieve. Everyone else seems to have gotten the memo! Thanks for the link, the comments were enlightening. There are so many competing agendas and shifting sands in our world today, I think that is why many bw throw themselves so heavily into tv shows, movies, social media drama, etc…to quell that growing uneasiness that they are in fact being pulled along with the tides, off course, and pushed aside. I’m the poetic dreamer type myself, so I understand that being practical and strategic doesn’t always feel good, and there are still some days when the “it’s-not-fair!” monster rears its head in my thoughts. I do think more black women are waking up, but like you and other bwe bloggers have stated, we are in a burning house and aabw must *quickly* save their own lives. No one from the alphabet soup crew or anyone else is coming with fire trucks to help us. We have to accept that and just “get to getting it” as my granny used to say.

        • Wow, I had never seen that documentary before, though I technically knew most of this information. These young ladies didn’t seem to know what love is or even expect to be loved. And this cycle has continued to repeat and devolve further. Even then, it appears that the girls/young women saw marriage as heavy and burdensome, and never considered that marriage to a decent guy was about *sharing* responsibilities as well as happy times and emotional support. The older woman said “It’s not racism that I’m fighting now….we are destroying ourselves”. Lack of self-love isn’t just an empty, neutral space–it’s poisonous and corrosive to aabw. She could see it 30 years ago, but so many aa blacks in all social spheres want to act like it is all brand new or just propaganda.

        • The only reason theyre doing this, is that BW are marrying out; the ones on the lowest totem pole…..♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
          To WM who are not broke
          And the BW are darkskinned as well

      • You are so right! It’s already happening. Look at how people, Black people, attacked the singer Ciara with taunts of she must be a man prior to her having a child. There was a lovely, thin, and clearly thriving black woman who was a bit of an alternative whom I used to follow on YouTube because she had awesome health, beauty tips, and general life tips, but people ran that woman off by accusing her of being a man (she went as far as posting pictures from her childhood to prove otherwise). I commented to some ladies on a forum, who had a share in taunting the BW on YouTube, that because BW are so fat and unfeminine and a thin, well put together BW is seemingly rare, that now we must assume the person in question is a man? Joan Rivers called Michelle Obama a TRANNY before she died b/c I guess the ABW stereotype just wouldn’t put her in her place like being called a man would! This is the new poison pill to take down beautiful, feminine, and together BW who don’t fit any other negative archetype already out there about BW.

        • Zoopath,

          You said: —“I’m of the opinion of letting other *ahem* women go first in blazing these types of trails. If it were such a good thing then they would depict ww in a similar fashion.”—

          Hear, hear! When one demographic of women on the planet (guess who) is the only group singled out for a certain type of portrayal, that should be enough to set off alarms in AABW’s heads. But nooooooo. I wonder about the *mass* lack of self-love that makes so many AA women cheerlead various self-destructive behaviors (such as the article in the link you posted calling the affirmation of morbid obesity a “revolutionary” act).

          Meanwhile, back in the real world, the consequences keep happening. According to the CDC: —“Percent of non-Hispanic black or African American women 20 years and over with hypertension (measured high blood pressure and/or taking antihypertensive medication): 44.5% (2009-2012)”—

          I’ve lived long enough to see these weird, self-destructive, anti-life and anti-family ideas take root—and flow from being something that only the Black underclass embraced to something you now hear from the lips of economically middle-class (middle-class income only—these people have destructive Black underclass values), formally educated AAs.

          Let me give an example. Watch only the first 3 minutes of this 1986 documentary and you’ll see the origin* of the “Marriage Is Just A Piece of Paper” crew. You’ll be disgusted, but you’ll also get to see the original iteration of this now-entrenched self-inflicted toxic ideology:

          *Part of the problem is that many if not most modern day AAs were born out of wedlock themselves, so they will never admit that there’s something inherently deficient about that type of father-not-in-the-home child-rearing practice. I was a college kid when this documentary was aired, and I remember that era.

          Any sensible young AA person who was going somewhere productive in life looked down at the type of reckless, irresponsible breeders shown in that documentary. The consensus among the AA guys I knew who had seen that documentary is that most of them wanted to slap the taste of that negro “Johnny Appleseed” Timothy’s mouth. Yes, they were embarrassed and concerned about how he made THEM look to mainstream America as AA males. But they were also disgusted by his irresponsibility.

          I didn’t know—and didn’t *want* to know—anybody who made excuses for that kind of behavior. I didn’t hear any of my peers coming up with sophisticated-sounding jargon to excuse these breeders’ idiotic choices. My goodness, how things has changed for the worse among educated AAs in 30 years.

          The larger point is that this type of obvious poison only takes root and is celebrated by people who don’t know anything about love. Love is wanting and seeking only the very best possible for yourself and the people you love.

        • Khadija. Thanks for sharing the documentary. Always on point. I watched as much as could stand.

          I remember an old friend of mine sister became pregnant in high school. She told me her sister asked their mother for birth control and her mother said, no. Several months later, she was pregnant. My friend said her mother thought providing birth control was giving her sister permission to have sex. Well, guess what? She didn’t need her mother’s permission to have sex. I was thinking, if your teen daughter has informed you she is sexually active AND she has the courage to ask for help, why would you not provide her with safe birth control options? I heard that scenario play out many times. And after giving birth they returned to school. After seeing a teen undress in gym class postpartum was shocking for me. Since I wasn’t getting the necessary teaching at home either I had no idea what to expect.

          At some point, AA stopped feeling shame or responsibility for the wasted opportunities and self-destructive behavior. It seems to be more comfortable for AA women to use all that precious energy and prime youth hollering in the streets side-by-side with AA men (thugs and football players at that) and their fickle loyalty than take care of themselves. There was a “blacklivesmatter” demonstration in a nearby city and the AA WOMEN stopped traffic on a MAJOR highway. Trying to find the AA males demonstrators in the photo was like looking for Waldo in a Where’s Waldo picture.

      • OLS

        OMG thats The Bold& the Beautiful soap opera with that mess. I caught a piece of that mess to. The WM chracter is much sought after because he is an heir to the Foster money.

  4. Unfortunately, I agree with you. Many black women take immense pride in protesting for the men/allies they ‘love’, rallying for the men/allies they ‘love’, and sharing non-reciprocating male- or ‘ally’-oriented viewpoints with their FB/IG friends, followers, and family. In this way, these women can siphon their positive reinforcement from others, what little there is. It’s not something done out of true ‘love’, it’s just a behavior that comes from conditioning.

    Recognizing that conditioning; where it comes from, what purpose it serves, and how to free yourself of it is a journey. Of course, the commenters here are past that stage, but a majority of black women are not.

    I second the therapy suggestion, and Ms. Khadijah Nassif also blogged about developing and refining your emotional toolbox with resources online.

    Sidenote: I really liked the BWE Christmas/Holiday Shopping event from last year. Any chance of that happening again this year?

  5. Another example is what Serena did regarding chasing someone down for you cell phone. I can recall her sister was killed back in Compton even when the Serena and Venus became rich and famous. It seems to me that even when black women get rich, we don’t know how to cut things off lest we are seen stuck up and bougie. Where as non-black women are real quick to drop or leave situations that are hindering them. Serena should have bodyguards and yet we still have to take on I am strong , I am invincible, I am woman watch me roar. Before I get into another relationship, I am going to have my therapist on speed dial because I am wondering how or when did this indoctrination start because I still feel black women are bringing the same dysfunction in to non black relationships, hence the swirl babies by non-black men who just looking for a hot meal and a warm bed.I need to start looking deep within and realize am i just using soothing words or am I really healing.
    Great post OLS by the way.

    • Shaylah,

      Yep, this recent Serena incident is yet another self-destructive incident that far too many AA women are cheerleading as being an example of a powerful and healthy BW.

      {still smh at how they twisted around a BW celebrity being unprotected and unsafe into a good thing} Anyhoo, Evia did an excellent post discussing that bit of madness:

      • Let me emphasize that I’m *NOT* saying any of the above “from on high.” I find these more subtle okey-dokes—AND so many higher-functioning AA women’s acceptance of them—quite disturbing and downright scary. 😦

        It makes me wonder about what similar blind spots *I* might have. All of which makes me try to stay in prayer for guidance.

    • And she did it while On A Date! It’s not appropriate for her to do under any circumstances but especially while on a date! I look at all that she has and wonder why she would take such a physical risk over a locked phone.

      • When I read about the phone incident re: Serena, my first thought was “where was your date throughout the whole ordeal?” “Why didn’t he give chase or why didn’t he tail you as you gave chase?” Maybe that was a subtle indicator of how to respond, he knows better than to chase down a perpetrator.
        According to the link I read (which was attributed to Serena ), she used the word superwoman and I thought to myself “No, nope, nah!” True, there is no one to save BW and BW have to help themselves but ‘doing for self’ requires smarts, otherwise being super woman and chasing down a thief could result in a BW being battered or shot.

        • Thanks for highlighting this, Genoa. Another case of “Consider your OWN Context”. Superhero movies and shows are immensely trendy right now, the newest being “Supergirl”. Aside from the fact that most of the amazing (and fictional, made-up, Not Real!) superhero action is either CGI or highly trained stunt doubles, most black women know that in real life, carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders is a death sentence (whether quick or slow)!

          I hope this doesn’t sound too much like a rant. I’ve worked in the literature end of academia. I love fiction and the power of imagination, but with the internet to reinforce obsessions and endless research on said obsessions, some people take fiction way too far by applying it to their own lives in ways that make no sense. I know people who have devoted their entire professional lives to studying teatime or hats or sugar cubes in Jane Austen novels, and who make their fictional favorites a part of every conversation and debate. Even they wouldn’t chase a perp down just because Mr. Darcy did! For ww, the supergirl thing is a fun and trendy interlude, and Serena is being lauded as a “Superwoman” because her fame can add a little boost to the fun, at her expense. If she had been injured or worse, none of these “you go, girl!” fake sycophants would have showed up with love, support, or even an ice pack. It would have been business as usual, and, “what did she do to get caught up?”

  6. Khadija,

    Your blog post have been spot on. You have the gift of looking into the future. The truth be told, I have not seen in my life a healthy black woman. When I say healthy black women meaning doing what she wants and not caring about what others think.
    Every Sunday 99.99999% of Black women are in church or volunteering at church. We know church has always been a safe haven for black women in general. We did not go out in the real world and socialize because after church we had to cook big Sunday dinners, clean up, and pray before we went to bed. I have not really seen any black women travelling unless it is to pick up someone or be:
    The list goes on. Most of the black actresses like you mentioned in your blog don’t want to do the hard work of establishing something of their own.
    Khadija, you are doing an excellent job and you are noticing things that you see through the insight you were given. I know you will add a more to this and keep doing the great things you are doing.

  7. Great post, OLS! In that vein, I’ve also noticed a recent epidemic of playing around with trolls, “dialoguing” with them, and “inviting discussion” with people who are really acting in bad faith, as Khadija put it in on her blog. In many blogs and sites (particularly Facebook pages) that are supposedly for black women, bw, especially aabw are being talked over, contradicted and mocked when they address the topic of their own empowerment and options in life. Some bloggers have issued “distress calls” after being attacked by various dbr trolls, only to continue making posts, videos, and articles featuring/addressing said trolls. It causes me to reconsider “red-flagging”, reporting, or saving screen caps of these creeps and their harassment when the bw being harassed go “hot and cold” on whether they really want to clear their online spaces and platforms of these losers. Are they confused or simply/cynically addicted to click, tweets, and likes? Playing with trolls for PR or even “to raise awareness” seems like a dangerous game. Similar to battered women who ask for help and then go back to their abusers, reasonable bw and other allies will begin to distance themselves. Future “S.O.S.” calls from fence-sitters and half-steppers may be answered only by crickets.

  8. At last! I thought I was the only one not happy about Viola Davis & HTGAWM. I watched the 1st eisode and I was like: I don’t like this! Gut feeling was: too much dysfunction. Olivia Pope * 1000 troubles.

    I stopped watching Scandal because although I could relate to being the token/perfect BW in a mainstream world, I didn’t like that Olivia was begging in her love life. It makes for interesting fiction (as in 5 seasons or more) but subliminal message is deadly. Olivia Pope + Fitz= a BW must work hard even for her love life. And I do not want that. So I am not watching Scandal anymore.

    How do I find inspirational BW? Blogs, You Tube, etc.
    There is so much more to life than TV. Especially when it leaves my spirit downcast.

  9. HTGAWM? I stopped at episode 1.
    I screen every thing I watch. HTGAWM (like Scandal) seems to be a deadly combination of power (law firm), epic troubles (which crush its heroines) and characters who do not know when to quit.

    There is feel good escapism and there are disheartening rollercoasters. When a tv shows ceases being a fairy tale, I’m outta there.

  10. Viola Davis and the politics of tell all/show all black women…

    A WW I know (shy church going and sahm) recently expressed her view of femininity. I was there commenting on fighting for noble causes and the likes. And she quietly said: “What about tending to the people a woman has most influence on: her children? Investing in them and protecting them. This is a woman’s legacy.”
    And it made me realise how much I still have to learn. I am still thinking in terms of fighting, I am still caping for unknown faces. No wonder I am breathless, tired and feeling miserable.

    She knows her limits. And is gentle yet very wise with her resources (time, mental space, commitments). This has impacted me deeply and I have realised that my inner mammy needs regular culling.

    • All (races of) women are equally strong. Other races just use their strength to promote themselves femininely. Others use their strength to take care of themselves. Their strength is used to maintain health and fitness, have healthy boundaries, move out of their comfort zone and make the best life for themselves. Their men do the fighting. Their men go toe to toe with white (supremacy) hegemony.

      Due the the BM’s ineptness in handling racism, BW feel compelled to be sister soldiers. So sad, each generation of BW marching in the same wrong direction. BW waste their strength fighting white (supremacy) hegemony. My fondest wish is for BW to put down their sister souldier swords and deal with the micro and leave the macro (fighting white hegemony) to the BM.

      (My example: Black Lives Matter. Instead of raising their children (micro/feminine), these sad women think they are protecting them from police brutality (macro/masculine).

  11. poweredbyjoy,

    You said: —“Wow, I had never seen that documentary before, though I technically knew most of this information. These young ladies didn’t seem to know what love is or even expect to be loved. And this cycle has continued to repeat and devolve further. . .[ ] . . .The older woman said “It’s not racism that I’m fighting now….we are destroying ourselves”. Lack of self-love isn’t just an empty, neutral space–it’s poisonous and corrosive to aabw. She could see it 30 years ago, but so many aa blacks in all social spheres want to act like it is all brand new or just propaganda.”—

    Yep, the older woman in the documentary saw where all of this was headed. Unlike now—with the multiple It’s Okay For Y’all BW To Breed As I Say (oow) & Not As I Did For MY Children (within marriage) Melissa Harris-Perrys—back then there was NOT a cadre of formally educated, conventionally married “show couple” AAs spouting faux sophisticated jargon in support of continuing the oow catastrophe.

    A modern day documentary about this issue would NOT dare showcase anybody saying the things the older woman said in that 1986 documentary. Because the Melissa Harris-Perrys hypocrites/saboteurs (and now-adult Born OOW & Went To College children of the 1986-era AA Bastard Baby Factory breeders) would argue down the plain common sense points made by that older woman featured in the 1986 documentary.

    Here’s another interesting side note about that 1986 documentary: It wasn’t really known then, but we definitely know now that at least 2 out of the 3 BM “talking heads” speaking at the panel discussion immediately after the documentary are part of this oow catastrophe. Rev. Jesse “Baby Daddy” Jackson went on to father an out of wedlock bastard baby himself. And negro conservative Glenn Loury was the sperm donor for TWO out of wedlock babies when he was a teenager. Negro Conservative Loury went on to get caught freebasing cocaine about a year after this documentary aired.

    I’m saying this to reinforce the point that 99.99% of the respected AA talking heads and assorted other folks we lift up are ALSO tainted with these same dysfunctions. I was disgusted to hear multiple sources assert that Min. Farrakhan *also* has MULTIPLE oow children. I’ve heard this from several sources I personally know in real life. And from threads like this Lipstick Alley thread that gives the link to a video by [disillusioned] man who grew up in the Nation of Islam discussing this.

    To echo your point, NO—there’s NOTHING neutral about a lack of self-love.

    • Khadija thank you for posting that haunting documentary. I made it past the teen wanting to have this dbr BM’s’ baby because said dbr BM was bowlegged 😱. However I couldn’t make it past where this fellow revealed he took a machete to class. I have a tendency to ruminate and would have been thinking about the strange fruit of this insanity for at least a month before I could let it go.

      • Zoopath,

        You’re welcome. I thought it would be good for young-uns to see for themselves what this catastrophe looked like and talked like in its earlier iteration. Part of the problem is that AAs tend to have mass collective amnesia about anything that doesn’t serve to support/promote/justify “The Precious”/the Black male “damsels in distress” that AA women are brainwashed to cape for.

        During the 1986 era of that documentary, a plurality of AAs still had the common sense to acknowledge that oow is a dysfunction and a loser-type of choice. I suspect that might have been because the AA demographic might not have yet reached the tipping point of a majority of AAs being born oow and raised in Broken From The Beginning Homes.

        In addition to the obvious about the AA loser-slaves featured in that documentary, I was struck [again—because this is a common theme with AA losers] by how IDLE and useless they are.

        The bowlegged individual said out of his own mouth that he “don’t go to school. Don’t work. Don’t do nuthin.'” When he wasn’t sexing that girl, he spent his time sitting around/standing around the street “listening to the radio.” Meaning, listening to the massive “boom box/ghetto blaster” (as they were called back in that day) that he carted around on his shoulder.

        Speaking of the “strange fruit” you mentioned, let’s keep in mind that the cohort of 1986 OOW Baby Factory Breeders like those featured in that 1986 documentary are the grandparents* of the feral AA mutants running around in Chiraq and other U.S. Blackistans.

        *If their descendants continued the OOW Breeder At Age 15 behavior pattern, some of those reckless breeder losers featured in that 1986 documentary are now GREAT-grandparents! THIS is one of the indicators (as Evia calls them) that caused many BWE/Common Sense bloggers to pronounce the AA Black community d-e-a-d. Generations of oow fatherless bastard children inevitably leads to feral mutants; which leads to the self-destruction and implosion of any group of people (AAs) who breed a majority of oow bastard babies. The End.

        • Yes, Khadija it was knowing how this story ends in present day Chiraq and blackistan that kept me from from watching the rest of the video. They should have titled the documentary “The Beginnings of an Ancestral curse”, because that’s what it was. This should have been treated as an imminent threat to the very future of the AA community and instead it was rationalized and applauded.

          The idleness and complete lack of shame for being useless was truly difficult to wrap my mind around. I would have at least expected unrealistic hoop dreams or rapping to be this young mans avocation but he didn’t even have motivation enough for that. Mother Nature never intended such men to pass their genes on to the next generation. Celebrating and encouraging this phenomenon was not and is not a loving thing.

        • Zoopath,

          You said: —“The idleness and complete lack of shame for being useless was truly difficult to wrap my mind around. I would have at least expected unrealistic hoop dreams or rapping to be this young mans avocation but he didn’t even have motivation enough for that.”—

          The Hoop Dreams documentary came out in 1994, almost a decade after this particular documentary. The statements made in the 1986 documentary reflect the sorts of public statements the trifling Black underclass made *before* decades of spinning and indirect public relations coaching from the educated Blacks who’ve been cheerleading the Black underclass. The Black underclass breeder fools in the 1986 documentary are giving the interviewer the unpolished version of their excuses/justifications.

          Modern day underclass Blackistanis are as lazy and unmotivated as the bowlegged fool and Johnny Appleseed negro featured in the 1986 documentary. It’s just that they’ve learned a new way to explain their laziness and total lack of motivation from repeating the excuses popularized by the Melissa Harris-Perrys, Eric Michael Dysons, Ta-Nehisi Coates, etc.

        • are the grandparents* of the feral AA mutants running around in Chiraq and other U.S. Blackistans.

          So much truth
          So much to be fearful about
          I think these people resemble zombies in many ways.

        • Khadija,

          Coates, Harris-Perry, Dyson etc… see those dysfunctional Blks as their meal ticket. Book deals, grants for research and special programs, speaking engagements, special panelists etc.. are the gravy train for our dysfunctionals.

        • Chicnoir,

          The gravy train you spoke of regarding Harris-Perry, Coates, Dyson, etc. works for them (in large part) because they’re saying what the majority of AAs prefer to hear (endless excuses and rationalizations for inferior choices and behaviors). {major side eye at all of it}

        • Chicnoir,

          You asked: —“Do you think some middle class blks feel guilty for having made it?”—

          No, I think many (most?) current-day economically middle-class AAs don’t condemn the oow catastrophe because they ALSO have the same lowlife Black underclass values. To be more specific, many (if not most) economically middle-class AA males are promiscuous and breeding oow bastard babies themselves.

          Either as a result of cheating on their wives (such as Rev. Jesse “Baby Daddy” Jackson and Min. “Conscious Playboy” Farra-coon). Or as a result of breeding bastard babies while refusing to marry anybody unless and until they start worrying about their health in their 40s and 50s. Economically middle-class BM justify this oow pathology because they don’t want to stop engaging in this pathology. These BM like things. Just. The. Way. They. Are.

          And since the dead AA Black community revolves around excusing and justifying *anything* negro males want to do (such as shacking up without the commitment of marriage and refusing to bother themselves with condoms, much less vasectomies), then silly yet formally educated race women and Sista Soldiers come up with convoluted excuses to justify oow breeding. No matter how obviously destructive this behavior is.

          For AA women, it mostly boils down to saying and believing anything in order to cater to BM’s wants. With a side helping of not wanting to criticize what many of their own mothers were silly enough to do (i.e., give birth to them oow). Remember, a lot (most?) of these modern day economically middle-class AAs were born out of wedlock themselves.

          With another side helping of having no frame of reference as to what normal family looks like because they were born oow and grew up being raised by a baby mama themselves.

        • Powerful points Khadija. I think an issue for Black women is just not having the kind of men we can be submissive to. They just aren’t reliable men. Not even to other races of women whom they date, marry or knock up.

          I see so many Whyte women with OOWL children in Baltimore and DC its utterly ridiculous and destabilising to a community.

          To some extent women of every culture must have some say in the laws and cultural mores that govern. Otherwise you find yourself in a situation where women and children are abused by men esp out of control male sexuality see Afghanistan sexual abuse of young boys.

  12. Poweredbyjoy — I agree with your thoughts on super hero movies. I’ve had conversations where I had to point out to people that the super hero as portrayed in Hollywood was fiction and if they really wanted ‘take away’ lessons from super hero movies, they should instead analyse the moral of the story.

    “For ww the supergirl thing is a fun and trendy interlude”

    Yes it is and they can weave in and out of those trends, interludes or phases and still be considered human with all the consequent nuances but BW do not have that luxury. Not even Serena with all her fame, fortune and status has that luxury, so when she’s advocating the superwoman trope, I analyse it, see it for what it is and take it as an example of what not to do.

  13. The following post is long, and I apologize for that. I understand if it is not posted.

    Everyone, the defaming, sabatoge and poisoning of the Black women’s image is REAL and I believe there is definite propaganda to strip Black Women of our humanity. I believe the dominant Anglo-Saxon culture worldwide is attempting to cultivate these imagry and memes of Black Women as some sort of sub-human sect and deserving of ostracizing, ridicule, and violence.

    I know this sounds EXTREME, but on top of all the media everyone has mentioned I’m going to add another source that may not be known to many Americans but it is being distributed globally, like all other media these days.

    Netflix has a British TV series called “Black Mirror”. The second season shows an episode titled “White Bear”. This is a sci-fi series like “The Outer Limits” but usually set in the near future. Now I’m going to list a synapsis which will be a spoiler and then my concerns for media like this.

    The episode starts with a young British Black Women waking up in apartment with no recollection of her memory or how she got there. She goes outside and almost immediately starts to get pursued by people trying to kill her. She runs through several streets chased by some masked people, with other people standing by and filming on their smart phones! She’s hysterical the whole time, no-one answers her questions, and the onlookers seem to be cheerfully observing the lady run for her life.

    She runs into a store where she meets two people who appear ‘normal’ and interact with her. They barricade the store from the attacker, and the Black lady and a white chick escapes out the back and drives away. The Black lady keeps asking the ww what happened to everyone, yadayada. The ww spins a yarn about how most of the population’s minds’ have been altered and there are only a few sane people left. Then follows a series of narrow escapes and the ww drags the BW into her plan for saving everyone.

    Things go from bad to worse, and just when the BW tries to shoot one of her attackers it is revealed the entire event is staged and orchestrated to ‘punish’ the BW!!! Yep. Apparently the British BW and her White male fiance tortured and killed the biracial daughter of a Black man and White woman. The White guy was killed during the couple’s capture and for 30 DAYS the Black women reinacts this horrible episode where she is running for her life. At the end of the day, she is parraded through an audience, where they throw tomatoes at her, she is tied to a chair where she views the video tape of the little girl’s rape and murder, then her memories are painfully wiped for the next day!

    Now, in the story, the Black Woman and her White male fiancee did commit a horrible crime, but this storyline is written from the start to jam pack a lot of horrible subliminal messages, metamessages, and negative context for Black Woman/White Men coupling. In every other ‘crime couple’ the man is always viewed as the chief instigator/perpetrator. In this case he is conveniently absent and public outrage is solely focused on the Black Woman. The victims of this BW/WM are a couple that happens to be a BM/WW; how convenient. The public is encouraged to participate in the BW’s degradation and humiliation-they even sold tickets for the event!!!

    I was so shocked and disgusted with this blatant portrayal of the ‘end result’ of the pairing of the BW/WM. The message was plain to me: If you get involved with a Black Woman, they will lead to your utter destruction! Some people may think I’m being paranoid, but if you have Netflix, watch the episode and let me know what you think.

    TPTB, WW, and those that have a racist/sexist agenda against BW are becoming alarmed at the increase in BW marrying outside the race. They are doing EVERYTHING they can to portray BW as profoundly disfunctional and unfit for society. Shows like the one above are prepping the public for the day when we can be considered a ‘menance’ and extreme measures are needed to protect the public. Just how extreme will it get, I don’t know. But I know now that both Halima and Khadija were correct in predicting that people are invested in BW staying at the bottom of the socio-economic ladder and being trapped with (mostly) BM predators with nowhere to go. I hope BW start to love themselves at least enough to save themselves.

    • To be honest, Lynn I am tempted to think you a liar rather than believe such an upside down and backward narrative had actually managed to be produced. I know that you’re not lying though and that the targeting of bw for dissociation has reached a new level of intensity. This is just so upside down and backwards. Somehow, a group of women who in reality suffer more sexual violence than ww have been “transformed” into pedophile rapist murderers.This is despite the fact that BM are ones committing these crimes against black women and girls. It is true that many bw try to protect these BM predators but you never see bw trying to protect wm predators. I’m very disturbed that this type of programming is making its way to Europe in hopes of tarnishing our reputation internationally. Thank you for sharing but it certainly is very disturbing.

      • Zoopath,

        All you have to do is watch the episode on Netflix. It sounds so incredible and INTENTIONALLY attacking Black woman that it is hard to believe. That is why I listed the names of the show and episode.

        I hope some of us from the audience will watch it and leave feedback. I know there are a lot of ladies here who are much better at critiquing modern media than I am.

        • Hi Lynn,

          I see that dehumanizing trend on many shows, just flipping through the channels to get to the weather, etc. The recent “reboot” of the US series “Heroes” is another example. Usually on the more comic-book, superpowers, cheerful, “dead-isn’t-really-dead” side of the spectrum, complete with upbeat music and lots of bright colors, it took a gruesome turn by having the lone black female character murder a man with her bare hands. This was an innocent (white) man who didn’t try to harm her and was actually begging for his life. The camera shows blood spraying everywhere while ominous music plays. The bw’s white husband (from the previews you can see that he is always looking sad/droopy while the bw berates/insults him) looks at her in horror as she smiles, covered in her victim’s blood. He later tries to commit suicide.

          So it definitely reinforces some of the same points that you mentioned about the other sci-fi series. What struck me is that this has never been a bleak, dystopian show, and usually has more of an positive vibe, a la the Superman franchise. There have been a couple of cheerful girl next door bw characters that disappeared from the storyline with no explanation, but this craazzy killer bw is in every episode now, and the (british?) bw actress was trotted out prior to launch to “promote” the show. There was a killer on earlier seasons of the show, but his face was rarely shown at the beginning, and he never touched his victims, just killed them with his brain “powers”. They left the visceral, brutal, bloody, flesh-tearing for a bw to do, while her emasculated white husband looks on sadly.

          I was surprised because all of this brutality happened in about 15-20 seconds, the time it took me to find the remote, and the tone/mood was so different from past seasons, but the writer’s/producers are fitting right in with the trend of bw=bad news that a lot of our media is churning out. And with world events/indicators being what they are, this is a trend we cannot afford to support AT ALL.

    • My purpose in describing this show was to leave an example of how much damage is being done to BW. It is not only our image being attacked but our very humanity! This goes beyond image control. The same thing has been done to other groups of people prior to genocide!!! I’m not saying there will be a world-wide pogrom of BW; I cannot see into the future. But there is a pattern happening that is consistent with attempted genocide of other groups like the Jewish population. Propaganda was distributed by Nazis dehumanizing Jewish people right before the holocaust.

      I can’t even say there is a solution out there to prevent the worse from happening. All any of us can do is keep our eyes open and make plans for the worse. I have started to make plans to leave this country if BW start to be rounded up. I have my passport ready, I have disguises to travel incognito, I’m doing my best to meet and marry a Man who will be a good Protector, Provider, Problem Solver, etc. I think we should all plan for the worse and hope for the best. And have at least one backup plan!

  14. {my apologies for another extremely long comment}


    I 100% co-sign your comment. The points you made about securing a quality husband who is a Protector, Provider, Problem Solver, etc. and a passport are critical! Especially in light of yesterday’s major terrorist attacks in Paris.

    I considered doing a blog post to amplify your points, but my time is better spent writing my novel. Not to mention that this blog has a significant number of readers, and so word of the points raised in this conversation will get out. I’ll just say this right here:

    AA women better STOP feeling sorry for immigrants from the 3rd world—ANY of them going to and from ANYWHERE, including the Black immigrants—and figure out what cultural and national “team” you’re on!

    If you’re smart, you’re going to try to attach yourself to the Mainstream (read = White) AMERICAN team—no matter how difficult this is because our image is under attack as we’ve been discussing above—and STOP talking stupid stuff about feeling sorry for the 3rd world so-called “refugees” fleeing to Western Europe and the U.S.! Here’s why:

    1. These 3rd world immigrants some of you are caping for don’t give a d*mn about you. Including the Black ones. NONE of these people (as collectives) have any respect or affection whatsoever for AAs. Silly AAs who are worrying about these folks are just what have been called “useful idiots” who are gullible enough to fall for their false sob stories. I say “false” sob stories because most of these “fugees” are economic migrants.

    2. The bulk of these 3rd world immigrants (in particular the Middle Eastern Muslim ones) are bad guests everywhere they go. Just like the Mexicans and Latinos are extremely bad guests in the U.S. The bulk of these folks have nothing but contempt for the cultures of the Western countries they’re running to. As demonstrated by their refusal to learn the languages of these countries even after squatting in these countries for decades. Just like the way the Mexicans and other Latinos do here in the U.S. Like I said, these are economic migrants who just want more money in their lives. Period.

    3. These 3rd world immigrants are going to overrun these various countries and ultimately destroy everything that makes Western countries pleasant and civilized places to live. Because they have zero respect* for the cultural values that make the U.S. and Western Europe places they want to run to. More importantly, because 3rd world immigrants are quick to become OPPRESSIVE, INTOLERANT and PREDATORY against the native citizens whenever they gain numerical prominence in an area. Just look at how the Latinos in Miami (Cubans) and Mexicans in Los Angeles treat AAs if you’re confused about this.

    [*The head-chopping demons of ISIS or whatever they call themselves didn’t just drop out of the sky. The same people running to/illegally invading Western Europe created and supported the culture that made these head-chopping demons possible. Similar to how the excuse makers among AAs mave made the feral Blackistanis of Chiraq and other ultra-violent American slums possible. The Arabs, Turks, etc.—much like AAs—whine about the rotten bitter fruit of their/our now-deranged cultural values. But most of them/us refuse to repudiate the deranged ideologies that create these various “strange fruits.”]

    4. If you’re smart, you’ll support measures for all Western countries to close their borders. NOW. And keep ALL of these people OUT. Nobody has any sort of “right” to do the equivalent of a home invasion and come busting up into somebody else’s country. I knew there would be trouble as a result of Germany (and other silly governments) allowing zillions of these unscreened MEN to run up into their countries. A percentage of these folks running into the West under the guise of sob stories are vicious terrorists. This latest Paris mass atrocity is just the beginning.

    5. Because this latest Paris atrocity is just the beginning, there will be a day when everybody squatting in the West will have to pick a team—and that team will expect you to show loyalty and allegiance to it while it’s under attack by deranged barbarians (who won’t and don’t hesitate to kill Blacks, other Muslims, and anybody who is not part of their murder cults). Ask yourself:

    Do you want to be attached to the Western White team—where there’s at least the concept of due process, rights, etc.? And where Western WM are willing to entertain the concepts of due process and rights? Where WM have made their home countries so nice and comfy that people around the world risk their lives to get up in here?

    Or do you want to cape for the Damaged Beyond Repair 3rd world nations, ethnic groups and cultures that spawned creatures like Boko Haram, ISIS and Los Zetas?

    I’ll note that I’m saying all of the above as an African-American Muslimah. I’m crystal clear about the fact that I’m MUCH better off living in the WM’s West than in ANY of these 3rd world places. Period. I’ll end by quoting a recent comment by a retired Pakistani general at a geopolitics blog I read (written mostly by a retired, semi-racist US military intelligence officer—be that as it may, I’d rather take my chances with *him* than with the cultures that spawned the above-named creatures):

    —“FB Ali said…
    Patrick Bahzad,

    My condolences on this terrible atrocity.

    There is no doubt that IS must be destroyed. However, that is unlikely to end the Jihadi menace, which arises from an ideological poison that has deliberately been spread among Muslims, and is still being spread. That poison is the Wahhabi creed that is sponsored and propagated by the Saudis and the various Gulf states.

    The West has to decide whether it prefers the short-term gains to be obtained from cosying up to these Wahhabi states to the long-term menace that they pose. (Unfortunately, such decisions are made very difficult by the personal ‘benefits’ that Western leaders derive from such associations).”—

    • Thank for sharing your thoughts Khadija, I completely agree. While I feel compassion for any suffering and don’t think that our country has the moral right to incinerate foreigners from above, I am also very aware (thanks to Kola and you) of how the black people in these countries are treated. As such while I wish that they weren’t suffering I know that they are not my allies, would do me harm if they got the chance and can’t support their mass migration into western societies.

    • I really have to cosign this entire comments. So much of what you said is true. Black women really have to be careful when caping for mass immigration of ethnic groups. Especially when said groups are extremely hostile to black women. I’d advise black women to stop standing out and signing their name in big bold letters for the world to see. Because our support ALWAYS ends up biting us in the ass.

    • I agree!

      I’m already reading how bw are caping for these “refugee” immigrants. It is my guess most of these immigrants will be pushed into neighborhoods already bursting at the seams with illegals and/or right next door to these bw caping for them. while the people making these decisions and economicall advantaged are well protected and will not have to deal with the day-to-day fallout of their decisions. It seems i am constantly voting for more bond money (millions) to build more buildings for overcrowded schools.


        one comment in particular struck out to me:
        “Despite the common believe here the USA has lost a lot of its attractiveness for foreigners. Other countries are superior in their education and job opportunities, infrastructure, health care and their appreciation of social life in the communities. The USA has become too much a ‘me’ place where people live pretty isolated.”

        the comment is actually a fact. More and more people are LEAVING the United States. Especially white people.. Less and less immigrants are coming here. In fact there was another articles that more first generation americans are choosing to raise their children in their parents countries. I know all of this because my parents are immigrants , and I was raised & live in an immigrant middle class community. My dad has been here a little over 20 years and has no desire to take out American citizenship even though he has the option… No one is really looking to come to America (this includes syrian refugees) Most of the Syrian refugees want to go to EUROPE. The shine has finally worn off. America is no longer the only country in the world with opportunities!

      • Neurochick,

        I think that:

        (1) AA Blacks depend on White America for everything that makes life possible. Oh, such as [growing] food, [making] clothing, [producing] shelter and transportation, and [providing] basic physical security in the form of law enforcement. Including protecting AAs along with the rest of the American population against the threats posed by bloodthirsty outside enemies such as ISIS, etc. that would love to cut ALL our throats indiscriminately and sell ALL American women into sex slavery.

        (2) To varying individual degrees, White Americans in general are fed up with listening to AAs whine about racism, police brutality (from the same police AAs depend on for basic security from a overt, open-air Boko Haram rape camp-style existence in the various U.S. Blackistans). The lunatic fringe of exasperated Whites (along with the majority of Latinos* and other so-called “people of color” who consistently align themselves with Whites *against* AA interests) will violently act on this exasperation. Others are quiet about it.

        [*THIS type of violent attack (as tag-alongs with WM racists—traditionally, Mexicans in the Chicago area have always done this sort of thing against Blacks); the Trayvon Martin shooting by a very mestizo-looking half-Latino; the anti-AA ethnic cleansing by Mexicans in various Los Angeles neighborhoods; etc. are what I think about every time I hear a negro male misleader lovingly use the phrase “Blacks and Latinos.” I’ve concluded that most of these negro male misleaders have been pushing this false concept because they want to secure greater access to Latina vaginas for themselves. Because this false notion of any of these other groups of people—such as Latinos— being allies to AAs has no connection to observed reality.]

        *Note that according to one of the few reports I read about this shooting, at least one of the individuals who shot at the BLM protesters is Latino. Yet another example that these various other folks that AAs love to cape for are NOT AAs’ friends, allies, or anything other than rivals for resources—and in some cases, open enemies.

        (3) To varying individual degrees, White Americans are closing ranks, circling the wagons, and drawing various lines in the sand.

        (4) Finally, I think that sane, sensible AA women better recognize all of the above, figure out which side of the line they want to be on, and act accordingly.

        • Khadijah, this is something I’ve noticed myself. It seems to me A LOT of black people are playing willfully obtuse when it comes to nonblack people of color harboring racist views that many white Americans have. From my observations Latinos, indians,arabs, and Asians seem to be increasingly becoming ‘white’; hence their higher interracial marriage rates with white Americans.. Also a lot of asians and latinos are republican. I do not understand why any black person in america care about the Syrian refugees. I don’t wish them any evil but i’m pretty much indifferent to them. Many of the women for example, can take off their hijab and become ‘white’ and be treated better than black women who have been here for CENTURIES.

        • Moriah,

          I think think AA Black folks’ mass addiction to singing “Kumbaya, My Lord” to other so-called “people of color” (Latinos of all races including Black Latinos; Arabs, Asians, etc.)—who, in my observations over the years, tend to be WORSE anti-Black racists than most modern day White Americans—mostly has its roots in the ideologies promoted by the BM of the Black Misleadership Class.

          Furthermore, I believe that the BM Black Misleadership Class has consistently promoted this toxic, false and ultimately self-defeating “rainbow coalition” ideology for many decades because of their great thirst for access to nonblack vaginas.

          Frankly, this mass BM willingness to throw their own group and race under the bus in their pursuit of nonblack vaginas predates contact with European slavemasters and colonialism. It’s an ancient behavior pattern that goes back *at least* over 1,000 years. It’s how the Moors “worked the Black out” of their bloodlines and ultimately bred themselves out of existence starting over 1,000 years ago.

        • Furthermore, I believe that the BM Black Misleadership Class has consistently promoted this toxic, false and ultimately self-defeating “rainbow coalition” ideology for many decades because of their great thirst for access to nonblack vaginas.

          Frankly, this mass BM willingness to throw their own group and race under the bus in their pursuit of nonblack vaginas predates contact with European slavemasters and colonialism. It’s an ancient behavior pattern that goes back *at least* over 1,000 years. It’s how the Moors “worked the Black out” of their bloodlines and ultimately bred themselves out of existence starting over 1,000 years ago.

          Khadija that’s very interesting and something I had no idea happened. I think younger black women would do well to listen to this as we weren’t around to see most of this happen. I know you have written in depth about bm leaders who end up dating/ marrying non black women but have you wrote any post specifically on what you’re talking about now? Or are you planning to in the future. I think this is important conversation for younger black women to have because a lot of us don’t realize (the reasons behind) certain “black” everyone’s welcome policy only go one way. And that they rarely benefit black women.

        • OLS,

          I’ve mentioned the historical fact of BM selling out their own people in pursuit of nonblack vaginas in passing (with specific reference to the Moors) in this post:

          But this ancient problem with BM even predates the Moorish empire in Spain, al-Andalus (which was from 711-1492). This BM behavior pattern is what made it possible for ancient Black Egypt to turn brown and then finally tan and off-White (Arabian).

          The ancient BM betrayal behavior pattern is 2-pronged:

          (1) BM consistently failed to treasure and protect the women of their race (BW). Instead, they sold, traded and bartered BW to outsider men for a pittance. From the very beginning of recorded time, royal African negro males of multiple eras and kingdoms allowed outsider males to marry their daughters and other women of their nation. Arab men used this strategy of marrying into African royal/chieftain families to gain an economic and political foothold into various ancient African societies.

          This behavior pattern is the very opposite pattern of what winning, conquering men do! From the book, Destruction of Black Civilization: Great Issues of a Race from 4500 B.C. to 2000 A.D, by Chancellor Williams:

          For in Egypt, as elsewhere, it was a one-way sexual process. The ‘master race’ always kept its own women ‘sacred’ and secluded behind the walls of their homes. They were not allowed to go outside except under guard. African women had no such restrictions or protection. They were fair game for the men of all races, and for them it was always open season. [pg. 73]

          (2) Whenever in positions of in power and/or affluence, BM consistently fixate on accessing nonblack vaginas. Back to the Moors: Conquering rulers typically demand tribute from the people they conquer. Usually conquerors want the conquered people to pay them in the form of gold, luxury items, animals or other goods. What sorts of “treasures” did negro male Moors demand from conquered White Spain? Answer: Access to 100 virgin White vaginas per year.

          Note that the Emir mentioned in the above entry, Abd al-Rahman I was the product of Ancient African Male Behavior Pattern #1—his father was an Arab and his mother was a so-called Berber (read = African) woman. History is typically “whitened.” Instead of describing folks as Africans or Black, other descriptions are used such as “Berber.” [There are such a people known as Berbers, but for all we know this Emir’s mother might have been as racially Black as the modern day Black-looking Arabs I saw when I went to Egypt before Mubarak was overthrown.]

          Which leads to the next ancient historical pattern: The majority of the mulattoes/biracials created by Ancient BM Behavior Patterns 1 & 2 have consistently—and viciously—worked AGAINST the interests of Black people. An example of this is Tippu Tip.

          His mother was Arab and his father was a “coastal Swahili” (read = negro male). One can see from his photograph that he was a Black as midnight. But this negro male kept himself busy as a slave trader who preyed on the fully-Black Africans!

          From ancient Egypt to now—in various historical eras and in various countries—most half-Black and part-Black mixed people have consistently acted as a hostile race within the Black race. From the same book I mentioned above:

          For while the white man has mingled his blood with non-white peoples from times immemorial, in no other people was the outcome a hostile ‘race’ within a race. [pgs. 319-320]

          The reason for this consistent outcome is that from the very beginning, African people and descendants of Africans have never had any firm boundaries with other folks. We just looove sharing our stuff with outsiders. A customer review of Mr. Williams’ book mentioned this:

          There is a reoccurring theme in this book. Indigenous Africans gain power and indigenous Africans lose power. That statement sums up this book briefly. Mr. Williams goes into detail to explain how a black Egypt could be viewed by the world as being white. The answers to this question can be found starting with chapter two entitled Ethiopia’s Oldest Daughter: Egypt. In this chapter, he proposes “the mulatto problem” which I feel is key in understanding how the face of early Africa was changed. When other groups of people came in from the east the Africans allowed them to assimilate into their culture. There were many interracial unions, which allowed for a mixture of kin. This mixture of kin is what lead to the demise of the total black African state. Time and time of again people who did not have a natural birth right to any African state were allowed to do so based on marriage or kinship. This is why Mr. Williams study shows how indigenous African flip-flop control of power so frequently. Whenever indigenous African took control of Egypt the power was relinquish due to an interracial unions or kinship not to mention the violence and acts of war. Again, in many ways this scenario is a reoccurring them throughout this book. The early African inability to hold on to what was natural his has cause others to question whether he should be given any credit at all. Mr. Williams traces what happen and he gives excellent details.

          I would refer everyone to Chancellor Williams’ book. I haven’t read it in over a decade, and from what I recall the book tends to gloss over BM’s culpability in all of this. Nevertheless, it’s the best comprehensive overview of why Africans and the Black descendants of Africans always lose and can never consistently retain control of their power or resources.

        • Wow. I honestly had no idea. Black women really need to learn their history! For the younger woman willing to cape please pay attention to this comment. KNOW whats going on. PAY ATTENTION. Thank you so much khadija for taking your time out to add this.

      • Salon has long since jumped the shark. 90% of their articles are liberal dysfunctional abstractions. They are joining Jezebel on my ignore list.

  15. I hadn’t planned on doing THIS much talking during this thread. {embarrassed blushing} But I don’t want to only speak in a doom and gloom tone of voice, so I’ll repeat a pleasant observation that came up during several recent email conversations I’ve had. I said:

    —“I signed up for a prepper Google Hangout webinar tonight. Here’s a sampling of the questions posed by other attendees:


    5 Biggest Mistakes People Make Preparing For A Crisis Mistake #1. Following internet “doomsday prepper” advice Mistake #2. Trusting FEMA and relying on others for supplies Mistake #3. Being unprepared for civil unrest Mistake #4. Looking like a “prepper” Mistake #5. Not being prepared to “bug out” if necessary


    Just joined the webinar. Question: I am white and my wife is black. How are we supposed to “blend in”?

    You mentioned travel during a crisis. Any further recommendations there – especially with a family?

    Now isn’t THAT interesting? {smile} I’m happy to see that BW have started marrying the type of men who attend these How Can I Protect My Wife & Family type of webinars. The above example is the first time in about a decade of having internet access that I’ve seen a prepper husband mention having a Black wife. These prepper WM have mentioned having Asian or Latina wives, but not Black ones.”

    It’s the worst of times in many ways for many people. It’s also the best of times in some ways for a much smaller number of people. I’m just happy to see more AABW make their exodus out of the dead Black community and join the winning category!”—

    And with that, Good Night, Ladies! 🙂

    • I’m the prepper in our family, at least mr. Zoopath goes along with it. I will give him credit for having good situational awareness.

    • “It’s the worst of times in many ways for many people. It’s also the best of times in some ways for a much smaller number of people. I’m just happy to see more AABW make their exodus out of the dead Black community and join the winning category!”

      Yes! On a positive note, I am seeing more and more BW in my every day life who are making empowered choices and moving forward into healthy networks and relationships. Some of this image-smearing is an attempt to tarnish victories that have already been won, because the tide has definitely turned for aabw. I remember even ten years ago, many bw and girls were afraid to utter a peep about their needs and experiences, even online, without the approval of bm strangers, not to mention bm in their social circles! BWE writers speaking the whole truth and setting clear boundaries in their online spaces have changed the game, especially for younger bw, some of whom will say bwe is just too “hard-core” for them.

      I’m grateful for the knowledge and ability to keep moving forward, and I’m happy to see many other aabw moving forward as well!

      • Powered by joy, thanks for sharing that about yet another attack on our image. In what universe, fictional or otherwise does it make sense for bw to be the “big bad”? This is likely an unintended consequence of all the sista soldiering that’s been going on the past few years. I will find out who these actresses are so that they can join the OITNB list of people I will never support again. It’s especially galling that BM are not being given similar treatment in the media, but they aren’t foolish enough to put themselves in the sacrifice seat and endure all the negative karma that comes with it.

      • Poweredbyjoy — I am responding to your comment on the BW portrayed in Heroes Reborn. There was no reply button on the original comment on this issue so I’m responding here, I hope you don’t mind.

        I watched an episode of Heroes Reborn where the BW woman shot a WM man at ‘point blank’ range and then proceeded to discuss how a list of people (to be murdered) was a godsend. I couldn’t stomach it. That was the first and last episode I watched.

        Also, did you notice that by having this storyline, they’re dehumanizing the image of a black woman as advocated by BW working to change the stereotypical image of BW? Many BW are discussing and showing healthy, fit BW as well as advocating natural hair for BW. There are so many images available on social media, of gorgeous, healthy, fit BW rocking natural hair.

        This show chose a fit, natural haired BW as ‘psycho’ killer. *tsk*

        Also, as if to counteract all the stats, reports and stories about BW and WM having stable, healthy and successful marriages, a lot of TV series are hell bent on painting BW-WM couples as dysfunctional and doomed. *sigh*

        I am glad the smart BW are ignoring negative messages such as those on Heroes, HTGWM, Scandal etc. and instead they are marrying good quality WM and they (BW) are making empowered choices about their health, needs and lives.

        • Hi Genoa!

          Yes, I did notice that poison pill. That actress and I actually look very similar in natural hairstyle, body type, etc., which is why that portrayal was especially jarring for me. There is a strong effort to put black women “back in their place” image-wise, by taking the fit, feminine, positive image of the “new” black woman and corrupting it, implying that all these smart, beautiful black woman are somehow too good to be true. Of course that positive black woman is not new and is reflective of many of us and everyday bw from all generations, but she is making a strong reappearance lately in the news, travel, government, pop culture etc. The majority of mainstream America now knows/remembers/admits that “video vixen” isn’t the only type of black woman out there.

          Outside of these desperate media smear campaigns, though, I see more and more black women transforming their lives, living well, and taking the world as their oyster. I hope to see more bw unplug from these toxic media/social media products permanently, using that time to build and beautify their own lives. I’m working on that myself!

  16. When it comes to media programing and these demonic shows, the best way to fight the attacks is to use social media and calmly address them with logic and facts, either with a bit of humor or a more serious tone, but always with facts! No crude or rude language, no berating or attacking individuals who work for these shows. I say this because if you do any of those things people won’t listen or take you seriously and will write you off as “reactionary” and “emotional” and you will leave them with a negative view of all BW (even more than usual) and will confirm to them that BW are all hostile and confrontational.

    Example of what you could do IF you have social media such as twitter: Watching [insert name of show] and find it curious that X is portrayed as Y when BW make up X % of sexual abuse.
    Or: Another new show trying to dehumanize BW again by portraying them as angry & violent, how original.
    OR: Currently watching [insert show name] drink everytime [name of BW] gets reduced to the angry/violent/sapphire stereotype
    OR: Really [name of show] another cliché of BW either portrayed as sapphire/jezebel/mammy?
    OR: Is there any show currently running where BW aren’t portrayed as either violent/angry/devious/promiscious or any other stereotype?

    Someone said something about BW always having to “go first” or be the only ones doing something otherwise considered inappropriate; YES! They even did this to our first black disney princess.
    Tiana was the first and so far only disney princess to have to work even AFTER meeting her “prince” (if you can call an unemployed lazy guy prince). She didn’t get the classic happily ever after where the prince took care of her–oh no–instead she was a frog and continued working her butt off while supporting her poor “prince”.
    And of course she was tough while her blond friend was the spoiled princess who got everything handed to her. I know many little black girls who threw that tiana doll away and didn’t want to dress up as a princess who didn’t even have a castle. No wonder they want to be Ariel, Aurora, Belle, Cinderella, elsa etc instead. Can you blame them?! This programing starts early.

    • I agree with your advice regarding the tone we should take regarding these demonic shows, however I don’t think it’s worth my time to petition demons. The creators of these depictions of bw are operating under extremely bad faith that only actual power or a withdrawal of support can contend with. I’ve never seen the princess and the frog but you have confirmed my suspicions about the underlying negative message for black girls.

      • Oh no, please don’t think I am saying we should support and watch these shows! Sorry, my bad, I didn’t mean to say that anyone should watch them and give them views!
        What I mean is I don’t think it’s effective to ignore them and for the white people who do watch these shows, and see the hashtags, they can sort of wake up from their brainwashing session and go “hmm, she has a point”.
        It’s more like protecting our humanity and for others (white people and other BW) to recognize that what they are viewing is propaganda.
        I am not naive, I don’t think it will suddenly make white people care about us collectively, it’s more of a way to protect what little is left of our and others human decency and for others to not be able ignore it quite as much as they would otherwise.

        What these demonic shows do is they desensitize people and because it’s a majority white country, we sort of need them to at least see our humanity (that we are thinking, feeling, beings) so they don’t abuse us more than they already do. It’s important that we don’t normalize these images out there.
        You saw the way that cop manhandled that skinny black girl….and you know they wouldn’t do that to a mexican girl because HER people would retaliate. The men of her group would go after that cop and kill his whole family, that’s why they don’t attack them, but black girls do not have that protection so we have to actually make sure that we are still recognized as WOMEN who need protection like every other woman.

        • BTW, this is only if you already have twitter, I don’t mean BW should become hashtag activists or anything lol.
          These tweets would be very casual and not spam, and only posted when the show is on and this is if you already know about it without having actually watched whole seasons.
          I don’t advise anyone to watch these shows because they bring down your spirit and damage your soul. I meant more if you came across them and already were on social media, more like a heads up to other BW and I guess it also shows “others” (white people) that we aren’t all asleep.
          Anywho, hope you get where I am coming from.

        • Mia,

          I don’t know how much this will work. I still advise women to remain “neutral” to the public and vote with their dollars. I saw first hand the black women on twitter trying to rationalize with the sleepy hollow writers. I keep up with the fandom and for all their supposed hard work getting rid of the albotross that was the leads wife what did they do after “reasoning” with the writers but bring in two more useless ww characters. Lord, I’ve even hear rumors that the lead black woman character might die in the fall finale.
          And in all of that the twitter warriors were the ones who ended up being painted as crazy.

          Please, and I say this with all concern to black women. To simply WALK AWAY. divest from these people. Take your money and your support. I recently read that black people watch the most tv. We are making a large impact. Imagine what would happen if we simply DIDN’T support a show. They would have to pull it anyway. (not that you were saying we should watch them)Invest your money wisely and in quiet. “Educating” lost White people has never worked. Don’t waste your time getting stressed. Take up a new hobby, find a show worthwhile to support. Read a book, write a book, join a group, take a class. But please don’t waste your time trying to convince people who have made up their minds to see the errors of their ways. Above all remember that black women can’t afford to get involved with stuff like this online. Stay neutral.

        • I know that you weren’t advocating watching the shows. I’ve never been on the Twitter so thats not how I would give feedback anyway. You may be right that such strategically placed tweets could perhaps disrupt the anti-bw message in some small way in a few fertile minds however from what I’ve seen of Twitter 99% of the feedback would be racist and misogynistic. I just don’t think it’s a good roi. Good forbid that they use our criticism to attract more eyeballs. I think withdrawing support is our best option at this late stage. It would have been optimal to be able to wield influence in the preproduction stage but that ship has sailed. If all the other things that Lynn and Khadija mentioned we can do to better position ourselves have already been accomplished then sure, tweet away but otherwise probably not. I too was shaken by the spring valley incident, it truly brought me to tears. However, the hard fact is that if bw had sufficient protection all the demonic media protrayals in the world wouldn’t matter because predators would know better than to ever incur the wrath of those who care for us.

  17. After re reading my comments, and your comments onelesssolider and Zoopath, I realize my mistake. You are of course right and it would be a waste of time because we are already too deep into the madness. At most it would’ve probably have gotten an “oh” and “point taken” and then they’d move along as usual and forget all about it.
    I guess I got too frustrated by it all and wanted to interrupt the attacks somehow.
    Indeed it does get frustrating watching yet another attack on our collective image and spirits.
    The best thing to do is to place ourselves with likeminded people in the real world.

  18. Something that I think plays an important/integral role in promoting this dysfunctional thinking and behavior is the change in current/mainstream culture. There are thoughts I have that I have been reticent to share. But, I think they are important to keep in mind or at least consider, as we contemplate our state and our future. I will be back to post my thoughts later, as I am tired. As, I stated, I often feel overwhelmed, when thinking about these things.

  19. @ onelesssoldier,

    I cringed at Viola’s Emmy speech.

    I thought something was wrong with me because all the Black women on social media were loving it. I thought maybe I was being too prickly, unfair, and cold hearted. When she said the line about “beautiful white women with their arms stretched out to me”, I was done. I know it was a Harriett Tubman quote, but Harriett Tubman was a slave, not an A-list actress, with perfect makeup and hair, in a gorgeous gown winning an award.

  20. I have been thinking about this article. Your words are insightful and truthful. I have always made a point to avoid these silly women. Today I had to include my sister in that category. I was not sadden, but I cannot share my plans with her. She will not be joining me on my journey.

  21. I find the “popular culture” topic but difficult and frustrating to discuss–particularly, as I did not continue expressing my flow of thoughts “in the moment”. So, I have decided to list a few brief notes.

    1. Americans are getting happier/growing more comfortable with looking up to fools simply because they make “easy money”. Making “easy money” by any means/at any cost seems to be the new definition of “smart”–never mind the negative impacts that the influence of these fools creates. This has not only led to “the NEW normal”, it has also established new bounds for “acceptable behavior”.

    Actions of people like the Ks would have been considered “DESPERATE”, when I was growing up, and I was a little kid in the 80s. Those behaviors would have led to people being SHUNNED and a “laughingstock”, now it’s considered “good business sense”. And, I never would have guessed that people would emulate the outrageous behavior demonstrated by people on shows like “The Bad Girls’ Club”; nevertheless, I see “viral vids” online showing kids, teens, and ADULTS communicating and “acting out” in a similar manner.

    SINCE WHEN did the behavior of JACK*SSES become the new “social template”?

    I’m not going to try explaining myself more. I will just say that these new “standards” and the growing support for a lack OF SHAME in the mainstream culture contributes to helping AA women/girls feel more “comfortable” doing things/making decisions that aren’t in their interests in the long run and create a greater “EXPENSE” for them that others will not have to pay.

    **Additional note: Women FROM ALL groups are trying to “cash in” by becoming “baby mamas” of foolish, but wealthy, men. There is no longer any shame in being “A HO”, as long as you can capitalize off of it.

    2. These new “conversations”, “ideologies”, “social movements”, “platforms”, and the like are leading us to ignore the OBVIOUS facts of nature and find a sense of “virtue” in promoting/entertaining that which is “problematic” AT BEST and “destructive” at worst. I’m not going any further. Do with that what you will.

    AA women–do YOU REALLY have time/mental energy to waste on things/ideas/movements that are fallacious and serve you NO BENEFIT?

    3. Removing certain “stigmas” helps to erode certain fundamental/beneficial constructs of society and FILCHES the value of certain characteristics/decision-making patterns/behaviors. And, “stigma” removal is often accompanied by redefining/lying about certain other things. I WAS going to share an example, but AA women NEED TO “THINK”.

    WHAT “value” changes rob from others?

    WHAT “equivalencies” are untrue?


    These 3 points, and others, cause me to feel that the “hill” in that “uphill battle” AA women often find themselves in grows “steeper” by the day. My advice to AA women is:

    REJECT STUPIDITY (even if that rejection isn’t “popular”).

    Find a way to CIRCUMVENT the “war” others are trying to FORCE upon you–AND WIN.

    • Formivatae,

      I agree with everything that you have said in your comment. Unfortunately the general public is feeding this trend of mental/physical/spiritual decline. The masses of the American people lap the depravity up. Children are growing up with these imagery and ‘iconic’ people to emulate. I’m not surprised at the young people who act out because their parents have not laid any moral groundwork. Older people, supposedly mature adults get the side-eye from me big-time! I cannot abide to be associated with people who do not know how to conduct themselves in public. There is a time and place for everything!!!

      The AA Collective in US is at the forefront of supporting this ‘movement’ for ‘anything goes’ in life. The masses of AA (Acting Black Crew) do not want to do any better, present themselves any better, or exert any effort in improving their circumstances. They are truly the permanent underclass, just like Khadija said, at this point. The only way to not get sucked is to not be there! Divest, socialize with the dominant culture, and CUT OFF ANY relatives if you receive pushback. That is the only way some AABW will be saved. This is why I don’t feel any guilt for not supporting the BC and leaving it. I will not be sucked down with the ABC crew.

      • Lynn,

        I agree with your assessment that this change in times/standards is indicative of “mental/physical/spiritual decline”. I ALSO give “the side eye” to so-called “mature adults” these days. The habits and behaviors being modeled are DOWNRIGHT SCARY.

        In regards to your commentary on the sci-fi show, I personally believe there is an effort underway to marginalize BW to the point that all resources procured by BM will be available to nonblack groups as a resource booster. And, the way to maintain that “boost” is to ensure that there is no offset to the resource investments of BM resulting from a concurrent investment in BW (from nonblack groups). IT’S ALL ABOUT MONEY (RESOURCES), imo.

        This is all A MESS. But, the bottom line is that AAs/blacks have TO WANT to thrive as an individual group for that to happen. And, frankly, it just doesn’t seem like they do, and other groups are capitalizing off of this.

      • Hi, OLS.

        That is a very FLATTERING and COMPLEMENTARY proposition. I APPRECIATE that you respect my views/values to the point of extending such an offer. I TRULY DO. However, I am not a “blogger”, though I truly admire those who are.

        I visit these sites because it makes me happy to see other AA women/girls “getting the picture” and to share exchanges with like-minded (at times) others. I come to witness and support the work YOU (and others like you) do. I WANT YOU ALL TO SUCCEED.

        Currently, I work 2 jobs and have other responsibilities I am managing. I prefer to keep my online involvement to that of “guest”, although my posts tend to be quite long and extensive on occasion (lol). Furthermore, I have certain values and beliefs that influence my analyses. And, if I were to “highlight” certain aspects of the culture for “scrutiny”, there may be some who “take offense” to my selections. I prefer, instead, to encourage others to THINK about what they’re supporting and to analyze the quality of influences on their lives and choices.

        Once again, “THANK YOU”. I consider you a very WISE and INTUITIVE woman. Your respect is TRULY valued.

    • OMG! Formvitae, this so true! Sadly, i’ve noticed this myself. Now that you said this, this reminds me of a comment I read on nytimes. The article was about white children who are born into good middle class families choosing to do heroin and engage in dysfunctional behavior.

      this is one of the articles i’m speaking about:

      The comment said something like: “I blame hollywood and pop culture. Before EVERYONE wanted to follow the foot steps of high class people. No one ever wanted to be associated with poor people/poor behavior”

      Furthermore, I’ve noticed how its ‘cool’ to have or engage in a messy, dysfunctional lifestyle. Those who don’t are seen as square or ‘uppity’. My best friend & I were just speaking about how black people of all ethnicities have glamorized ‘the struggle’. In fact it’s become normal to hear black people say ‘Life is a struggle’. It’s ingrained in the pysche. Those who live by high virtues and morals are made to feel ‘othered’ or looked at as alien like. My mom also recently spoke about this… from the way people dress to the way people dialect has changed.. it seems as if it’s the ‘in thing’ to behave atrocious. And if it makes you money, even better!

      By the way, I seriously think muslimbushido and others need to stop seeing other races ESPECIALLY white people’s lives in rose colored glasses. The dysfunction has spread to ALL RACES.

      • I’ll like to add, I think because of social media, its infiltration in our every day life, and it being a 24/7 thing non stop. I think the days of ‘most people engaging in high class’ behavior and seeing it as better are permanently gone. There’s a reality show called ‘Ladies of London’. Some of these women come from ARISTOCRATIC FAMILIES. You have got to see how they behavior! UNBELIEVABLE!

      • I agree with comment except do the last part. To equate the position whites and Asians with the position of African Americans is such a dangerous false equivalency. African Americans have been engaged in self destruction for decades whereas white people are just now allowing their standards to slide.

      • Moriah,

        I completely agree with your assessment re embracing shoddy behavior. I am reluctant to refer to it simply as “lower class”, because I do not believe that “poor” economic status automatically equates to “poor” character. There are MANY people lacking financial/material resources who have EXCELLENT values. And, there are many people with EXORBITANT WEALTH who are depraved.

        I disagree that muslimbushido and others are looking at white/other cultures with “rose-colored glasses”. They just recognize the behaviors/attributes/social constructs that help foster success. They also acknowledge the realities of the social infrastructure that’s currently in place. The typical AA does NONE of those things and doesn’t want to believe that differences in values/practices accounts for many of the differences in results/products of various people groups.

        • I agree with the last part of your comment and meant to say something earlier. I don’t think Muslim Bushido is looking at cultures with rose colored glasses either. because i think she does a very good job of calling them out as well and the ways in which they try and take from AA bw without reciprocity. I think its important to note what other cultures are doing to get their successes and even though other cultures may have their issues they have a completely different way of behaving in the world and way more success than AA blacks and AA black women. As you said its important to point this out and note the differnece because while some may be low class they arent letting those people speak for them…. well until recently that is.

      • Moriah

        There is a splintering Of White America.

        Char.les Murray wrote a book about it. Apart:The state of white 1960-2010. Don’t spend your money on this book. The guy dislikes Blks. Borrow it from the library.

        I think we can all agree those who are falling behind are not who we want to emulate.

        • I’ve heard of this book and read the reviews on amazon. Truth be told, oh well! it was only a matter of time before white america would fall apart! You can’t plant weeds AND EXPECT FLOWERS. Another thing that needs to be acknowledged is the decline of America will AFFECT US ALL in one way or another. It is what it is. The best thing crafty BW can do is PUT THEMSELVES FIRST AND WORRY ABOUT THEMSELVES.

    • Formvitae you are absolutely correct, it seems that the spirit of discernment has abandoned an increasing large number of people ( or maybe it just got tired of being ignored). One of the the things I fear most is my children being infected by this derangement. I’ve seen many instances where parents invest so much into their children but they are led astray by fools and users. Everyone may have equal worth as a human being but not all choices and lifestyles lead equal results. That is one of the reasons why we plan to home school.

      • Zoopath,

        I have the SAME FEARS. That’s why I ALSO am planning to homeschool any children I have, unless I find an institution I TRUST to instill the values I agree with. I don’t just rely upon the designation of “private” or “Christian” to feel comfortable.

        I was raised well, with good values. But, I was very naive because I was so sheltered from other realities. Fortunately, for me, the values I was raised with meant A LOT to me, so I’ve adhered to them (for the most part), and they’ve kept me out of “A WORLD of trouble”. I’ve also never placed a high value on being “popular”. The “worship” of the mean kids never made sense to me, even at a very young age. And, it still doesn’t now. Not all young people feel that way or can handle not being “accepted”. So, I plan to raise my children with good values but to also OPEN THEIR EYES before sending them off into the world, whose values FREQUENTLY differ from mine. It’s nice to know there are other adults who feel and are working toward the same as well.

        • Yes, the key is the timing of when to exposing them to the not so nice differences that they will encounter. I plan to give them a firm foundation of values and discernment. Then when they are mature enough yet still young enough to be under our influence introduce then to deviant constructs and concepts and help them use the tools we’ve taught them to critically evaluate them.

    • Cosign
      I truly believe YBW are mimicking the backwards behaviour on reality shows, ig models and the Sharkeishas of the hood.

      Remember how everyone laughed at the YBW she beatup. People have more empathy for YBM being beaten up.

  22. This is a CRITICAL topic and I applaud the quality conversation that has flowed. Let’s zero in. At this point we know what the absence of self love looks like.

    For me, the most important question is what is self love for an AABW? Exactly what IS it? It’s not wearing one’s hair natural or going to church regularly/volunteering for church duties or wearing the latest fashions (although these are nice things, they’re mere window dressing) or having a college degree or having a good job or being generous to family. These are not indicators of self-love.

    How does self-love start for AABW and girls, particularly those who did not have it modeled for them OR given to them by their mothers, grandmothers, aunties, etc?

    Do AABW recognize the need dismantle the internal barriers to self-love? Do they recognize they have no self-love?

    The truth is many AABW do not like themselves. Many AABW don’t respect themselves. Fundamentally, most AABW don’t TRUST themselves. Trust is the foundation of love. I’m not trying to go all spiritual, but if you don’t trust yourself, by extension you don’t trust God either, no matter how well-dressed, well-educated and churched you are. That’s why so many churched AABW with these positive attributes are as psychologically destitute as the Shenqiuas. Well-educated, accomplished, middle-class bred Sabrina = ghetto skank, serial baby-mama Shenqiua, which is why they manifest similar life choices. And results.

    • I think this is a very good question and one that should be answered before anything else is said.

      To all the black women reading. What do YOU consider self love? And do you believe you have it?
      Please commment.

      • For me, self-love is about mindset as well as actions. I have a supportive, positive attitude toward myself, my goals and needs. I prioritize actions every day to support my needs and goals. I treat myself with (at least) the same consideration, kindness, and respect that I give to others. I’m honest with myself when I don’t live up to my own standards and make a plan to improve. On a baseline level, I enjoy who I am, from personality to physical attributes. I definitely received love and positive support in childhood, so it must be tough for someone who has never had that to “get” self-love.

        One thing that could be helpful at first is to focus on your actions toward yourself rather than trying to generate a ‘feeling’ of self-love. Make a list of actions that a loving person would take towards the person that they love. Then actually do those things for yourself on a consistent basis. If you didn’t have healthy models of love, you may need to seek them out. Look for examples of healthy couples, families, and friendships in your daily travels. Research them online, in books, even in old magazines and television shows.

        I’ll try to think of some positive examples of novels, non-fiction, movies etc. that demonstrate self-respect and healthy boundaries and post them later….

  23. OLS,

    You asked:—“To all the black women reading. What do YOU consider self love? And do you believe you have it?”—

    I believe self-love is:

    (1) The ability to identify what’s in the best interests for ME, MYSELF, and I; and

    (2) the ability to do what’s in the best interests for ME, MYSELF, and I.

    Yes, I feel that I have self-love. Because unlike most AA women, I’m comfortable with thinking about my own individual wants, needs and aspirations with *and* WITHOUT factoring in what other people want or think.

    It all depends on the context—the people who have by their actions heavily invested in me and continue to actively support me get factored into certain types of decisions (to varying degrees).

    But there are certain types of decisions in which I ONLY consider my own individual wants, needs and aspirations. Even the people who have shown themselves to be my real family (as demonstrated by their actions over the long run) are NOT factors when it comes to certain types of decisions.

    What I notice about most AA women is that their sense of “self” as an individual is very weak and/or non-existent. Most AA women derive their identity, self-definition and sense of self either *solely or primarily* from:

    (a) their connection to others—typically, the males in their lives; and/or

    (b) the service they can provide to various other people.

    The above is why most AA women’s default setting is to raise the “I can’t consider doing Self-Actualizing/Self-Interested Thing X because what about my [Black] husband, boyfriend, baby daddy, father, son, brother, uncle, nephew, etc.” self-imposed obstacle to freedom and fulfillment. It’s also why most AA women’s default setting is to raise concerns about “giving back to others” and other Servitude For Other People’s Benefit type of phrases, slogans and statements.

    It’s also why most AA women have the habit of seeking various other people’s permission for just about everything: how to feel, what to think, what to say, what to do, etc. By contrast, AA men are not asking for—nor are AA men receptive to—BW’s feedback or permission for anything. At all.

    By contrast to many AA women, most males and men have a clear sense of individual self and individual self-interest. Males and men generally don’t have their sense of self—and certainly not the primary source of their sense of self—intertwined and bound up with the women and girls in their lives. Nor are most men—and especially not AA men—preoccupied with “giving back to”/lifting up/worrying about others.

    I suspect that part of many AA women’s inability to focus on self as an individual comes in at least a small part from evolutionary biology. Latching onto other people is a survival strategy, so I can see how women in general are inclined to focus on relationships and connections between people. The problem is that there are a number of gender role reversals, mass male abandonment, and assorted other dysfunctional issues in the AA collective that have reached terminal stage. The inclinations that aren’t as deadly to women in other collectives is pure poison to AA women because the overall social and family context is totally different.

    Those are just my 2 cents; everyone’s mileage may vary.

    • Thanks for that Khadija. I was trying to compose a response but couldn’t because self love can veer into metaphysical/super soul Sunday territory and if that’s the level of evolvement needed for bw to make better choices then it truly is a wrap. Thank you for breaking it down to its simplest elements.

  24. OLS,

    To answer your question: What do YOU consider self love? And do you believe you have it?

    Thank you for asking such an important question.

    For me, it is –

    1. Moving and feeding my body properly on a daily basis.
    2. Saying yes to what works for me and/or no, if it does not.
    3. Making and keeping regular health care appointments.
    4. Being around people who are willing the share and help each other grow as a people.
    5. Having a life and death plan.
    Over the years, I have observed the difference in the way a ww lives after the death of family members vs AA women. While the quality of life for the ww significantly improves, for the AA women (not all), the struggle continues or they maintain the status quo.
    6. Instead of buying another flat screen tv with more bells and whistles I will ever use to watch more mentally draining programs, put money in an emergency get the heck outta dodge fund, take a class, buy books or travel.

    I believe I have it, but it did not come naturally. It took me sometime to get to that point and I continue to look for ways to keep it!

  25. For me self love is taking care of yourself first and not seeking approval. I’ve been practicing Inner Bonding created by Dr. Margaret Paul and it’s helped me make better decisions. Basically, you lose the need to control or judge other people and yourself to guard against pain and you treat yourself with compassion.

  26. Self love is walking on the sidewalk instead of in the middle of the road when it comes to trouble and suffering. Self-unlove is walking in the middle of the road and being surprised you get run over. Self love is simply not pursuing pointless pain. Black women are very socialized to think all pain has a point, that they should just walk around in the middle of the road and if they get banged up, why, “life is suffering”. This is bad, it leads to not having reserves to deal with the real woes that come along.

    Self love is also having healthy boundaries so you can ask for help or resources when you need them and further, so you can put yourself around at least a few people who will love and care for you. Healthy boundaries mean you can let the right people in when that needs to happen, but keep out the wrong people.

  27. Excellent question OLS. I never consciously thought of self-love….to me the concepts outlined by BWE align very closely to a person having strong self-respect and I have oodles of that.

    – I have enough respect for my body to not abuse it with drugs, alcohol or junk food
    – I have enough respect for my body to not seek validation through sex (rampant promiscuity), or engaging in self-destructive behaviour
    – I have enough respect for my mind to seek out higher levels of education and by constantly engaging in self-directed intellectual development
    – I have respect for my culture, values and family and I show it by how I live my life and how I nurture my familial relationships
    – I have respect for the country and community that accepted and embraced my family by engaging and participating in civic life, following the laws, volunteering and being a good citizen
    – I have enough self-respect to be selective about who I let into my life (more on that below)

    When you have a strong sense of self-respect the concept of reciprocity is a GIVEN; you don’t keep giving and doing for people who don’t give back. My sense of self-respect would simply not allow it.
    And if I did allow it, I have people around me with even stronger sense of self-respect who would point it out to me.

    I’ve been told that I have the good luck to have excellent supportive circles of friends and to have had mostly good relationships with men (even ex-es). That was not luck. I’ve met users, manipulators and other toxic people in my life but these people, sooner or later, reveal themselves through their actions (everybody does). A person with a healthy sense of self-respect removes themselves from the orbits of low value people like that.

  28. I think it’s hard for BW to know what love is when our society doesn’t even know what it is. In most movies and TV shows, what’s seen as love isn’t love at all. It’s dysfunction. It’s what I call “junkie love” because it’s the type of “love” junkies get into. Lots of sex, lots of passion, lots of drama. Those types of relationships are normalized. Look at TV programs, movies. Everything’s over the top, larger than life. Black people also watch too much TV, which doesn’t help either.

    I say step away from the TV, and read things like this:

    Stop doing the same thing and expecting a different result (that’s the definition of insanity).

    Stop looking to TV for relationship advice, or any type of advice. TV exists for one thing, to make money, to make you want to purchase things you don’t need; TV makes you think you need them.

    One more unpopular thing to write here: Love is difficult for any woman. Why? Because love is about a partnership. Love isn’t a master/slave relationship. I’m old, I remember a time when a woman HAD to get married because of economics. There used to be job quotas and school quotas, only so many women allowed into law/medical/any type of professional school. There were jobs listed for men only. So as a woman, in order to be financially taken care of, you had to get married, and in my opinion, that’s not the foundation of healthy love. See if I’m with you because without you, I’d starve, that’s all kinds of wrong, because how can I really love you, and how can you really love me? But I’m old, so maybe I’m different.

    • Agree! Especially to the last part. Marriage is an arrangement, and housewifery is actually a form of control because the woman depends on the man for her and her children’s life as she has nothing of the own. That’s why you always have to have something of your own.

  29. About the Chancellor Williams’ description:

    Perspective is a powerful drug. The take-away of Chancellor Williams’ was not that Black Men have a disdain for Black Women. What’s more, Kmt was much more complicated than such a superficial glossing. For instance, Kmt, as we know it, had its origin in the unification of Upper and Lower Kmt. But this made many Black people flee and also caused a rift with Kmt’s neighbors. Kmt goes on to become the first casualty of Africa in Africa. It’s childish to make the assertions made on the evidence shown. Were there Black families that married white families? Certainly. But at what point in Kmts history? And why? Believe it or not, Kmt was violently invaded at that point. I.e. Kmt has a First Golden Age followed by its First Intermediate Period and followed by a Second Golden Age when seek racial purity. In other words, a deeper analysis would draw you to an entirely different conclusion.

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