Nine People To Avoid Like The Plague

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(not my image!)

For those of you who have read my blog, you probably know I’ve written a post about this before. At the time it had to do with the type of people who had the tendency to detract from black women when they were having pertinent conversations amongst themselves.

https://notyourgirlfriday.wordpress.com/2014/03/09/the-chronicles-of-derailment-the-saboteur-the-sad-sack-and-the-sycophant-a-pondering-of-the-psychoanalytic-variety/

This post will focus on the types of people black women should avoid if you’re looking searching for a quality life. I’ve noticed that even though many black women have the makings of a great life, what tends to be the monkey wrench are the type of people black women surround themselves with. Usually in the cases of black women, these people hurt rather than harm.

Naysayers: These people are also known as “Negative nellies” & “negative nicks”. They come in all shapes and sizes but they’re very easy to spot.  For the younger crowd they’re the Chucky Finster of the group. In real life they’re the people who convince black women not travel because of some supposed, always/impending but never seen, disaster. (And no I’m not talking about the people who point out the safety of travelling to particular places, that’s only logical.) The Naysayers could have damn near perfect conditions in nearly any situation and still find something to complain about.  Not only are they an emotional drain and a sensory overload, they’ll have you doubting anything in your life that could be worthwhile.  Suddenly you find yourself deciding not to lose weight after all, not going after that promotion, or buying property that might profit you in the long run.

Beware: Naysayers love to believe that they’re “helping”, “guiding” or being “honest/keeping it real”. The only “real” thing about a Naysayer is how much they need a congregation of Naysayers to keep them going.

I would also be careful of Naysayers simply because you would be surprised at how quick their tune changes when they have something of worth. For example, I recall certain black women actresses naysaying weight loss and health concerns associated with obesity who then showed up 50 pounds lighter, after convincing who knows how many in the masses to follow their deranged thinking.

I would also be extra avoidant of those family members who fit this pattern. As many black women allow family members to have undue influence over them.

Bad Judgement:  Let’s just say that these people are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get from their bag of “tricks”. These people are the ones that have never shown any ounce of maturity, wisdom or discernment.  These are the people you see in the news who decide to meet a man at a hotel after meeting on PLENTY O’ FISH and having dinner at the waffle house and then being surprised when it goes to the dogs. (Yes this actually happened and a virtual cookie goes to whoever finds the article.) These are the people who move in with a guy after only knowing him months and then finding out after the fact that he was a molester.

These are the people who get sh** faced when they need to get drunk or the people who “casually” do drugs or casually, and without much forethought sleep around. They’re the people who generally don’t think about consequences until it’s too late and after the fact. Or they are the people who stupidly overshare every little detail about their personal lives on the internet in failed attempts to get attention.

Beware:  While it might seem “judgmental” to call out these people I’d call it cautious. For every person that exhibits Chronic Bad Judgment (CBJ) there’s probably two or three that have to pick up the up the pieces when they inevitably come crawling to someone else with their tail between their legs. From the friend that has to listen to the *umpteenth* sob story about what they did while they were drunk to the grandparents that inevitably end up raising the kids of that person who just didn’t consider all the consequences. People suffering with CBJ always end up asking their nearest and dearest to pick up the pieces. Or if they’re really terrible, actually end up blaming you for not “warning them”.

Which brings me to the next person:

 

Drama Queens, Emotional Wrecks, & Guilters (oh my!)

This is a lethal trifecta. For these people, the world is a stage and they are top billing actor/actress. (While the rest of us simply play supporting parts.) If I were to make a professional guess this group is most likely to contain the largest number of narcissists and other similar personality disorders. Regardless, you’ll know one of these when you see them. These people simply love drama. They are the type of people that make bad decisions, not because they didn’t know any better, but because (whether consciously or unconsciously) they need the fuel that drama provides to survive one meaningless day to the next.

They are the type of people who enjoy complaining about every little things because it provides them some sort of emotion (however negative). They are the type of people who are always embroiled in a drama of the week. Or the type of person who loves to rant and rave about their deadbeat boyfriend but won’t *actually* break up with them. Emotional Wrecks are the same way. Like Drama queens they enjoy displaying to the world how angry, sad, happy, mad, touched, offended, etc. they are. For the most part these sort never reach any equilibrium and are very rarely happy unless they are reacting. On the other hand, guilters work in another way. They love to hold what someone else hasn’t done for them (usually whoever is closest) over their head in an attempt to coerce and force the other person to engage in their mostly absurd demands. They believe they are entitled to your resources, time advice, love, sex, money, friendship etc. They believe that if you had simply done something they wouldn’t be in the losing position they are in.

Sidenote: For those who are on certain websites, it’s been impossible to ignore that some people are always enshrouded in #drama. Someone is always getting “betrayed”, everyone is always getting offended, and someone is always on the outs. This is quickly forgotten until the next Drama of the Week arrives. For some, the Drama queen behavior is simply a way to boost page likes and website traffic and fleeting internet fame. For those who stupidly get involved with this foolishness: You are being used.

Beware:  Aside from pulling you into their ish, Drama Queens and Emotional Wrecks are drainers. That is, they are so invested in themselves, and what they think and feel, they are so awed  by the bones that comprise the body, that comprise the cells, that comprise the atoms of themselves that they leave no time for you to ever get anything in return. For black women, especially those who find themselves playing the mule to other people I’d issue a word of caution.  In the past plenty of BWE readers and writers have talked about women of other races who befriend black women and the black women end up the “listeners” or the mammy while they drain whatever they need from black women as they go about their drama.

Drama Queens and Emotional Wrecks are simply looking for someone to listen and usually the nearest body will suffice.  A lot of black women have an issue with feeling sorry for anyone with a sob story and end up being preyed on by men and women alike who are simply there to emote at them.  Do Not Be the Mammy to the Scarlett. Do not let them drag you in. You will know a drama queen or emotional wreck by the way the respond to you. Here is a test, if you begin speaking about your own issues and their jaws go slacked, they suddenly lose interest, their eyes glazed over with pained, forced attentiveness every time you talk to them that is not a coincidence.  Most likely they can’t bear to listen to you because they can’t relate to anyone but themselves.

For guilters, if the majority of your conversations end in some ploy to force you to do something for them they are to be avoided at all costs. These people are out for whoever is dumb enough to let themselves be manipulated because they believe they deserve to have someone else cater to them.  Cut the cord.

Anger Management:

While these argumentative people are entertaining to watch on low budget television from the safety of your own home, I wouldn’t want to be involved with these people on any daily basis. Simply put, these people can’t contain their temper. They are angry! AND THEY WANT YOU TO KNOW, DAMN IT!!!  These people can snap at the drop of a hat, but coincidentally they will always do it when it’s around someone they aren’t intimidated by. These are the type of people who blather about “disrespect” and “pride” only to be taped acting up on World Star Hip Hop for the world to jeer at. These people like attention. They are the ultimate Chihuahua nipping at the heels of everyone around them until they get whatever they feel is coming to them.  They are a loose cannon and to be avoided as soon as you see them coming.

Beware:  More than all the others I would avoid this one. These people are the type to get black women into situations that can quickly leave them drowning. They are the most likely to get you arrested after they assault someone in anger or expect you to go along with them in vandalizing property as “revenge”.  Unless you want 10 to life I’d advise you to avoid them like the plague.

To be noted: Like many abusers these people come in all shapes and sizes and they are very hard to spot because they like to pretend they are not as crazy as they seem.  But sooner or later something will make them blow. This group is also likely to have a high amount of narcissists.

Liars, Cheats, Thieves, Gossipers

Speaking of illegal, these people need to be avoided. Like those with anger management problems this group of people should be shunned. Because they have shown an obvious lack of good judgement and morals with this sort of behavior, it would be foolish to trust these people with anything else.

Beware: This group is a mixed bag. These people seem like normal folk on the outside, they can seems charming and likable but most of the time that is a façade to manipulate others.

 

Time Wasters/Energy Drains

If you’ve ever seen a dog chase his tail you’ll recognize one of these people. These people spend the majority of their time going around in circles. That is, they aren’t going anywhere. These are the people who complain about their dead end job but like to stick with it. They are the people who want to convince you to get drunk instead of doing something more productive or the people who generally are going nowhere at all and are quite content with their “laid back lifestyle”. For the college students they’re the ones who want you to get high with them instead of going to class or the people who refuse to do work for themselves and distract you from your work. (I’ve actually seen this happen in a college course I was taking. Of course the person being distracted by her dead beat friends was a black woman.) They are also the people that convince you to get blackout drunk before a test when you should be studying.

Beware: While these people love to behave as if nothing matters, until something suddenly does. And then all the time you spent going along with their ideas is down the drain and you can’t get it back.

Also noteworthy: For the younger audience that spends a lot of their time on social media: I’ve noticed websites like Tumblr tend to be a black hole of despair where the entire website acts as an emotional leech. I’ve noticed most of the people on websites like tumblr spend the majority of their time, “reblogging” useless “facts”, posting selfies,  hashtaggin #socialjustice and generally celebrating the fact that their lives are going south.

I know (from experience) how easy it is to be pulled into the TW/ED black hole of mindlessness that is Tumblr. I would caution anyone who spends more than an hour on that website (and websites like it) to step back and take a look at the content you’re coming across. A lot (and I would guess upwards of 50%) of the people on that site love to glorify actual illness such as depression, general anxiety, agoraphobia, social anxiety, suicidal tendencies and other personality disorders and other mental illnesses. On websites such as this uses thrive on staying in a mental drain cycle as a way feel unique or special. While many love to talk about how they “identify” very few ever advocate getting help and usually use their “diagnoses” (usually done by themselves) as a talking point for “likes” and internet fame instead of getting whatever help they need.

You will know an emotional drain because while there may be many complaints there will be a lack of proactive behavior. In other words they will stagnate. You will know a time waster (easy to spot on places like Tumblr) because it will generally not add anything of value to your life when all is said and done.

Promiscuous, Drunks and Partiers

It would be one thing if the promiscuous, drunks and partiers liked to go solo. But, like the time wasters and energy drains these people don’t operate that way. The main goal of the PDP police is to patrol other people’s behavior until they can find a willing or, at the very least, reluctant companion. It isn’t enough for these people to enjoy their activities and leave it at that. If they did I wouldn’t have included them.

For anyone who run into one of them, PDP’s (more often than not) have a general air of discontent (and usually fall into another category listed). These people want to make sure that they pull you down with them.  They are the ones who like to pressure you into taking “just one drink” tell you that you need to “loosen up” that you’re a “goody two shoes” if you’re not sexually active or that you need to have multiple partners before you get married and that if you don’t you’ll never have a good married sex life (yes this has actually happened to me). These are the ones that go out of their way to humiliate and deride you until you give in and join their lifestyles and won’t be happy until you’re as low as they are.

Beware: Those engaged in this lifestyle may choose to do so for a number of reasons (usually most of which are unhealthy.)While they may be able to temporarily enjoy themselves, I’ve never seen anyone who is glad that they kept up their lifestyle long term. Many involved in this group need to feel that they aren’t “being judged” and as a result need to pull someone down along with them, or at the very least, deride and mock you, for your choices so they can feel better about themselves.

Helpless/Lazies

If you’ve ever heard the phrase, “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink” this is probably who it was coined for.  The helpless and lazy couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag with a map. Unfortunately for the black women that get involved with these people they end up picking up the slack.  These are the people who are too lazy to get a job and so they need to borrow money from you or they simply can’t find the right job for them. These are the people who can’t raise their own kids and so they pawn them off on their unsuspecting (usually black grandmothers) while they helplessly float from place to place.

Beware:  This willful stupidity is nothing but an act.  If necessary they probably could do what needed to be done they just enjoy having someone else do it for them because it’s easier. Do not be conned or guilted by people who claim they don’t know how to do anything.

 

Money wasters/Resource wasters

If they were to suddenly win the lottery, inherit from a dead relative, and find a golden goose, Money/Resource wasters would somehow manage to squander it all. The problem with Money wasters is that they are inherently irresponsible with what they have or like to “live like there is no tomorrow.” There is no “planning for the future” no “rainy days” and certainly no “savings”. They love to spend. It doesn’t even have to be useful and it doesn’t even have to be necessary. They are the ones that blow tax refunds on new rims or line the closet with purses instead of investing solidly.

Beware: Black women frequently involve themselves with these people simply because black women always love a down on their luck story. Money wasters/ Resource wasters generally come to whoever is nearest with monetary requests and black women usually have to bear the brunt of loaning money. Do not become a personal bank for people who insist on throwing away anything of quality that they have. And if they begin to guilt you run for the hills.  Black women: I know black women love to give out money for that kickstarter they saw for their aunt’s daughter’s cousin, or loan their boyfriends money to “help a brotha out” (I’ve even found myself doing this with my own family.) Run, don’t walk away.

To my readers: I’m very sorry this post took so long to put up. I’m about to graduate and I’ve been very busy recently and I’ve also been writing a lot.  Hopefully the next post won’t be toolong in coming, (i’m sure it will offend someone). If you want you can join the Facebook page for this blog as I’m on there more than I am on here. I’ll try and do better in the future regarding getting posts out on time.  And feel free let me know if I’ve dropped the ball.

Until Next time,

Stay Neutral 🙂

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9 thoughts on “Nine People To Avoid Like The Plague

  1. CONGRATS, for your upcoming graduation!

    School keeps one SERIOUSLY BUSY. You have to take care of your responsibilities and yourself. I just appreciate that you take the time to blog and share your ideas with us.

    THANKS!

  2. Hey congratulations! So glad to hear another black woman is rocking it.Never stop pushing beyond the stars.

    This is a great list and I have my way of enforcing things for myself. 1 before I give out money to others I have to ask my self the following questions. Can I afford to give this as a gift. No then I don’t give out. Do I have all my bills paid off and do I have a year’s salary saved which is my minimum goal cause you never know and nothing is as secure as your own savings. Is there a way to empower this person so they can make their own money.

    Also I remember something about the five people you are with the most and or cloest
    to make up your personality. Do some personal cleansing and get rid of dream crushes, soul suckers, and emotional users. Look for places that will attract the type of people you yourself want to be. For any way you can get away from give them the shut down. Don’t report on anything new. I changed my number once and didn’t give it to the people on the fringe. Stop returning their texts and most cells have block features use them. No need to explain just do.

    Emotional users mirror them back and they’ll go away. Complain about something trivial for 10 minutes then say oh, girl I’ve gotta to go then before they can reply hang up or leave. Pay attention to your phone and turn everything they say into a you thing and your experience. They’ll fall off like flys.

  3. This is an EXCELLENT LIST.

    Over the years, I’ve dealt with each of these types of people. I’m not going to go one by one. But, I did want to share some things that I’ve learned that may be beneficial to others. I don’t have any specific outline for presentation in mind. So, I think I’ll share my experiences first and specific lessons after.

    EXPERIENCES (not exhaustive, but a few I wanted to point out)

    A little about me first:
    – When I “love” people, I LOVE them.
    – I am altruistic, by nature.
    – I try to be a good friend in “action” and not just words.
    – I care about the less fortunate.
    – I value “human beings” and not “classifications”.

    I think I want to share 3 specific experiences. I’ll tell you about the situations first (my perspective, of course). Then, I’ll go into more detail about what I learned during the “lessons” portion of my post.

    EXPERIENCE 1

    When I was 23/24, I worked full-time, had my own apartment, and was planning to return to college full-time to complete my degree. A woman approached my uncle telling him her 15 year old daughter was his. My uncle asked me to “help” this girl and not let her go down the tubes (basically).
    This girl was a lovely girl and seemed very sweet. She was naturally pretty, with a slim but curvy figure. Her mother was unemployed and they were poor. Though slightly overwhelmed by the prospect, I was EAGER to “help”, as I thought may be able to show the girl a more “positive” side of life and encourage her to take a different course than those in her environment. Now, MIND you, I wasn’t even old enough to be this girl’s biological mother.

    Steps I took: Her grandmother, whom she was living with was presented as “unreasonable”. So, I decided to allow the girl to live with me. I only had a 1 BR apartment but was considering possible alternative arrangements. I made plans to contact a local neighborhood school to see about getting her enrolled. And, I took her to the supermarket to buy groceries for her family, as she told me they didn’t have any food.

    [Now, MIND you, I was working a standard 5 day a week full-time daytime job (with overtime on occasion). In OTHER words, in order to do things like visit the school, I would need to take time off work to go and handle logistics (it never got to that point, thankfully).]

    Anyway, this all fell apart, rather quickly. The day she was supposed to start staying out my place, I dropped her off at the library, because she said she had a homework assignment she needed to work on. I told her I was going to the supermarket to buy groceries and would be back to pick her up from the library at a certain time. I went to the market, bought groceries for her and her family, and went to the library at the appointed time. SHE WASN’T THERE, and the library was closing. I had no idea where to look for her. FORTUNATELY, I saw her walking down the street with some guy (her “boyfriend”, who was at least 18 years old). We went to her mom’s house. Her mom was friendly, but she had these random dudes sitting around in her house who were looking at me with a lot of….bitterness???… I couldn’t understand it. But, I was eager to get THE HELL out of there.
    I told the girl how it was important for her to be where she was supposed to be because I was concerned for her safety and would not know where to look for her. She said okay. The next day (I think) we went to pick up some clothes or something. The food (with fresh meat) was sitting on the table, the same place where I left it. I couldn’t believe it. Maybe, they didn’t have a refrigerator (which I didn’t consider at the time). But, I decided I wasn’t going to waste any more money buying them food.
    It started to look like an overwhelming situation, but I felt guilty about not helping this girl. So, I went to talk to an older cousin of mine who is a social worker. She is a very good person. VERY religious. VERY “SINCERE” Christian. Anyway, she told me that while she is willing to help, she wouldn’t bring that into her house. We had an extensive talk, and I felt much better about my feelings and knew the best thing for me to do was return that girl to her family.
    The next day, I drove the girl to her grandmother’s house. While she was there, I told her I thought it was best that she stay with her grandmother. (LOL) She said okay. I later heard from her grandmother that the girl or her mother had gotten some people to pick her up and take her back to her mom’s place (which is what she wanted).
    Sad to say, one of my aunts told me, a few years later, that she saw this same girl walking down the street and she looked “90 years old”. She had “teeth knocked out”. Her mother had put her and her sister out as prostitutes. SUCH A SHAME. She was a BEAUTIFUL GIRL (and so was her sister). Her “crazy” grandmother was poor, but had sold her home/all she owned and moved FAR away to the OPPOSITE side of town, where it was even difficult to access public transportation, because she wanted to shelter this girl and her siblings from her mother. But, the girl INSISTED on being in her mother’s world. Fortunately, the younger siblings were still with the grandmother (as far as I know). I also heard that the girl and her mother eventually cursed my uncle out and laughed at him, telling him they were only trying to get some money out of him.

    OH well…..

    I’m going to break this post up, because this is pretty extensive.

  4. EXPERIENCE 2

    I have a friend who is an intelligent person and has always worked. She’s a nice person. Anyway, she once called me asking for financial assistance with a situation. Without hesitation, I said yes. The banker asked me if I was “sure”, and I said “yes”. This person always worked, and I always viewed her as responsible.
    Anyway, when the time came for her to repay me, she “didn’t have the money”. At this point, I was working AND I was a student. So, I was counting on her repayment to take care of some responsibilities I had of my own. Now, I asked a man in my life for assistance, and he helped me. However, I do not like asking others for help, unless ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. And, I honestly didn’t want to ask my parents for money to help me with this situation.
    In the meantime, she continued not to pay me. However, she also called me, telling me how “proud” I would be of her for buying certain nonessential, superficial items. I was thinking to myself, “No. I would be ‘PROUD’ of you, if you paid me BACK–or at least TRIED to.”
    In the end, she paid me back the following year or so. I had already paid back the person who helped me, before she paid me any money. She later told me she knows not to borrow any more money from me. I was thinking to myself, it wasn’t the MONEY that was the problem; it was the PRINCIPLE. However, I didn’t correct her or object, because I figure it’s best this way. If she ever does anything like that with me again, this “friendship” is A WRAP.

    EXPERIENCE 3

    There is someone I’ve befriended in recent years. This person has LOTS of professional experience and has earned WAAYYY more money than I.
    She has a specific objective she is trying to reach. There are certain challenges she’s facing, and we’ve discussed her goal and challenges quite a bit. Although I have not had her professional experiences, I offered her some advice, based upon what I would do in this set of circumstances. She didn’t want to do what I recommended. And, I figured she knows her life and herself better than I do.

    That was over a year ago.

    Recently, she made another effort to pursue this objective. AGAIN, she faced certain challenges. However, THIS time, she was communicating with someone directly connected with what she’s aiming for, and this person advised her to do THE SAME THING *I* advised her to do. I actually felt a little “validated”, because someone else with direct professional connection and experience identified a strategy that I also saw in the situation.
    AT FIRST, it seemed she was going to take this professional’s advice. I was thinking to myself, “If you had listened to me, you would have had AT LEAST one year of progress towards this goal, under your belt.” However, she recently told me she isn’t going to do that (for now).

    Ok. Whatever. You know what’s best FOR YOU.

  5. LESSONS

    I’m going to preface, by saying the following:
    1. Black (AA) women CANNOT “save” the ENTIRE WORLD.
    2. Black (AA) women SHOULD NOT TRY to save “THE ENTIRE WORLD”.

    Ok. I think I am just going to combine the lessons I’ve learned into a series of paragraphs, rather than going experience by experience, because I TRULY am just trying to share some GENERAL ideas.

    Some people are FLAT OUT USERS. Some people don’t want to work. Some people want to do the bare minimum while expecting others to provide them “the extras” in life.

    Sometimes, it’s a family paradigm. I met someone who was willing to get from others what she was able to provide herself. Then, I realized HER FAMILY was THE SAME WAY. They were willing to take from her, what they could (and/or needed) to get for themselves. Some people think, “If it’s there, why not take it?” It’s important for AA women to recognize this, because there are people who will ask to utilize your resources simply because you have them, even if they don’t need them.

    There are also those who will try to utilize the resources of others around you THROUGH you. I knew someone who felt that just because my parents had more resources than hers she could expect certain things from me. Ok. Just because my parents may have certain resources doesn’t mean that I have automatic access to those resources or that I am willing to ask them to utilize those resources so that I can do something FOR YOU. I can’t believe the sense of entitlement some people have.

    Some people just want a “sounding board”. They aren’t really interested in your advice. They aren’t really interested in your thoughts. They just want someone to listen to them. THAT’S FINE. But, it’s best to be honest about what you’re really looking for.

    “Friendship” is an INVESTMENT. “Communication” is an INVESTMENT. I try my best to be an “active listener”, because I believe that’s what people deserve. I don’t like to give the impression that I’m being attentive when I’m really letting things “go in one ear and out the other”. And, brainstorming for solutions requires a lot of mental energy. Mental energy is EXPENSIVE and can take time to recuperate. Once I recognize that someone really doesn’t appreciate or desire my solutions, I stop going into the brainstorming process with/for them. I let them derive their own conclusions and action plans.

    This is how I deal with people looking to “communicate”:

    Unless I am expecting an important call or something, I keep my phone ringer OFF. That goes for my mobile phone AND my home phone. I screen my calls and allow messages to go to voicemail. I need my rest, and I allow myself to get it. Once I have rested and/or taken care of my responsibilities, I will review my voicemails/call list. When I have the time and attention to share, I contact people back for a sincere communication exchange. This keeps things honest while also allowing me to take care of my own needs. If I know someone is TRULY in need, I will do my best to be there for them, even if I’m tired or busy, because they are human beings and humans have value.

    I also no longer give the designation of “best friend” to people based upon the length of time I have known them. My best friend is my “best friend” FOR A REASON. We honor and respect each other and each others’ needs. We have a reciprocating relationship. And, we are genuine. We have learned to accept each other for who we are and accept our differences. We AGREE, because we have values in common. But, we don’t try to “force” each other to be who we ARE NOT.

    I could go on and on…but, I have other thoughts to share.

  6. PARADIGMS

    If you’ve ever read my writings, you will know that I am big on paradigms. I’m not talking “psycho-babble” paradigms. I’m talking “principle” paradigms.

    It’s important for AA women to know that things are not automatically “normal” SIMPLY because they “exist”. Not all things “in existence” are deserving of validation. AA women/girls are frequently surrounded by people with dysfunctional and destructive paradigms. They need to learn to decipher what should be “accepted” and what should be “weeded out”.

    Once you are accustomed to being around healthy and successful people, you will get a better idea of the paradigms that are “normal” for that subset. People from these groups usually aren’t looking for others to “take care of them” or be “champions” for their causes. They take care of themselves and share the plight of their group or their interests simply as a form of education/awareness raising. They appreciate when others show concern and offer assistance, but they don’t “EXPECT” it. They generally appreciate being able to take care of their own and appreciate people who manage their own responsibilities without depending on others. This is “NORMAL”, for them. AA women need to learn that SELF-CARE is the norm for the thriving world. And, focusing on themselves is viewed as being “sensible” not “SELFISH”, as many “leeches” would have you believe.

    Something that I have learned with time, which I believe will be beneficial for AA women, is to get to “the root” of anything that it presented. If presented with an idea, choice, or alternative, it is good to ascertain, “What must be true/the case/etc., for this idea/choice/alternative to be true/valid?” Not all things are clear. So, to be wise in decision-making, it is important to be able to determine what things are predicated on, so that you will know what you are truly selecting/doing.

    Just so you know, my ideas and advice are based upon the following world views:

    I believe in the soul. I believe in the spirit. I believe in God. I believe in moral accountability.

    Values/theories I ascribe to are influenced by those things. Some choices are “options” for me. Some choices are not, as I am not willing to pay the “spiritual debt”.

    I have a STRONG ethics and principles orientation. This orientation has always worked for me, though it may not work for others. I have never lost anything by remaining true to this orientation. And, anything that seemed like “a loss” proved to be “worthless” in the end. That is not to say that this orientation does not come without a degree of pain/sacrifice. IT DOES. But, I can truly say, I’M HAPPY. I have also made decisions that WEREN’T congruent with my ethics and principles. In those cases, I never gained what I THOUGHT I would. I usually ended up losing something, instead.

  7. CHOICES

    Whenever you make a choice, you are doing A MINIMUM of two things:
    1. You are “REVEALING”.
    2. You are “ESTABLISHING”.

    These don’t even include the impacts of your choices on the world around you.

    I’m going to keep it simple, because I’ve talked enough.

    The choices that you make show who you are, at a certain point in time. They are a combination of your values, priorities, analyses, etc. The choices that you make work to build who you become. They promote certain types of development and demote others. So, when making a decision or allowing others to INFLUENCE your decisions, it is important to keep this in mind.

    This is an EXTREME example, but I’d like to use it to illustrate a point.

    Not ALL men could have been a Hitler. Yes. Hitler had the position, power, influence, following, resources to do what he did. However, he was only able to do those things because of whom he TRULY WAS. PLENTY of people would have been able to have the same access to power, influence, etc. and not do what he did. The circumstances did not create Hitler. They simply enabled him to be who he truly was by nature.

    It is the same for us as “everyday people”. We each have a set of circumstances that highlight our true nature.

    CHOOSE CAREFULLY. CHOOSE WISELY.

    That is all I wanted to share today.

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