GET YOUR LIFE!

Hello everyone, I hadn’t expected to be back so soon but because of certain events in Ferguson and black women’s continued misbehavior I thought it time. I have been on the NYGF Facebook page talking about this but now I’m going to make a full post because I feel that at this point I have to say something.

To any and all black women reading this post:

Don’t be a fool.

If you believe that “saving” black MEN is going to be a successful and further more FRUITFUL endeavor, quite simply, you are a FOOL.

http://muslimbushido.blogspot.com/2014/08/african-american-women-who-march-in.html

You need to get your life.

I have seen numerous pictures of black women  stupidly deciding not only to harm themselves going to these protests but to  put themselves in the role of MEN and place themselves in harm’s way.  On top of it all, they are now bringing their CHILDREN into the mix.

Yes these SICK bastards are using (yes I said using) CHILDREN to help their “cause”. Disgustingly enough when I hear the news talk about children being tear gassed I never hear anyone ask why there were children there to begin with.

Since clearly some black people are lacking the common sense to behave decently I will say this:

I rebuke any and all behavior in which children and the elderly are put in harm’s way. Just because grown adult black women have decided to be stupid enough to be the “grunts” doesn’t mean that you are allowed to put your CHILDREN in harm’s way for a cause.

http://www.blackfemaleinterracialmarriage.com/2014/08/ucc-news-views-august-18-smarter-bw-continue-to-escape-when-black-women-pose-as-frontline-combative-shemales-they-teach-all-m.html

I guess to some the lives of ADULT BLACK MALES is worth more than that of CHILDREN.

To those people: you are despicable and VILE and deserve to have your children taken away by CPS.

You are repulsive, and the world can see your foolishness.

Now.

For the black women who continue to “cape” for grown ass men who have never seen fit to even make a grumble for a black woman when they are killed.

GET YOUR LIFE.

This may sound cruel, but thing of it is I’m dead serious. Some of ya’ll are acting as if the BM of the WORLD will f-ing fall apart if your dumbass isn’t there.  When really ya’ll need to #stayoutofit

https://notyourgirlfriday.wordpress.com/2013/08/14/a-lesson-in-neutrality-stayingoutofit/

These black women (you may be one) feel the need to SPEAK FOR, MARCH, and literally yes literally, physically protect MEN who can (But WON’T) protect themselves.

These black women (perhaps you)  probably feel something is wrong with the “black community” because they don’t support black women.(Somehow you were “conscious” enough to notice that but NOT conscious enough to STOP being the reason WHY BM don’t support you to begin with!)

These Black women use the folly of “What if this was my -….. I should support them.” And you probably don’t realize that black women can NOT be the speaker for MEN.

These black women (be honest I’m probably speaking to YOU) probably have built NO infrastructure in their lives, and are constantly finding “causes” to fill in the BLATANT holes in their own lives.

I’m not going to speak about the folly of black women supporting people with privilege. I have already written on this before. for any newcomer who has yet to read my most pertinent posts on NEUTRALITY start with the ones in the links below.

https://notyourgirlfriday.wordpress.com/posts-you-may-want-to-read-first/

Let me explain this once more. Just because, black women help BLACK MEN escape police brutality, it does NOT mean that said black WOMEN will be extended the same rights. As I have stated on FB, I have seen numerous posts giving saying  that black WOMEN who were victimized by said “enemy” were at fault for the SAME behavior that,before (when black men were involved of course) had people riled because it was a #civilrightsviolation.

Black MEN want to be Equal with WHITE MEN. That means having both racial and sex privilege. That means they have to have someone to be OVER. That means they have to keep YOU (who lacks both) in their place.

So black women joining the front lines with MEN, supporting them, and DYING and getting injured for their cause, will find later that this will all come to nothing. Except you will again be considered a mammy, a mule and masculine fool. Further, you can be damn sure once THEY get privileges to keep theirs they will BLOCK you from any protection.

These same men will drain you of your time and resources to get a step ahead then they will quickly cast you aside.

But, but, but, I have to stand for what is right! #justice!

Your righteous hypocrisy is clearly visible.  Your willingness to stay silent while your daughters cousins, mothers, sisters are hurt (and unbelievably on Facebook I’m hearing that black women are being harassed by the same black MEN they are marching for. one woman was shot in the head and STILL got back out there) while laying your life on the line for coddled black men is not only hypocritical, It’s dumb as hell.

Justice is not selective. Justice is not protecting those who have more privilege than YOU and can fight for themselves. Justice is not hypocritical. Those of you spouting the MORALS of why you’re behaving in certain ways act as if the world can’t see you and you hypocrisy.

Those of you crying that black men won’t march for you/ respect you even while you march and protest for THEM, don’t realize that YOU are teaching MEN to need WOMEN to do for them. YOU are creating the cycle of black men who can’t seem to get their shit together.

http://neecysnest.wordpress.com/2014/08/16/race-women-strike-again-when-sister-soldiering-goes-wrong-and-becomes-dangerous/

I’ve said before in a racist and sexist world black women taking on “mens” roles will NOT mean that YOU will get said privileges. It will mean that the  same people that needed your help will revile you later.

https://notyourgirlfriday.wordpress.com/2012/07/10/black-women-strategically-neutral-and-my-new-blog/

https://notyourgirlfriday.wordpress.com/2012/07/10/the-conundrum-of-black-feminism-explained-further/

https://notyourgirlfriday.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/all-the-women-are-white-all-the-blacks-are-men-the-beautiful-wondrous-redux/

Further it is clear you block heads have nothing in your life.

Newsflash: When the media leaves. When the liberal white people looking for a good cause to add to their “hashtag activism” (Thanks WOAD) find a new “cause” to watch like a spectator at a circus, when all the #feminists move on to something else,(and note most white people upset aren’t MARCHING or Harming themselves) Black WOMEN and their children are still going to be stuck in the same shit hole they were before.

Because instead of protecting THEMSELVES, these dumbass black women (maybe you) didn’t think to prepare for the inevitability of their lives turning to CRAP. Instead of focusing on grown adult males that can fight for themselves and are only using you as a temporary buffer, why don’t you spend your time getting the fuck out of neighborhoods like this.

Why don’t you spend time finding a way to provide for you children

Why don’t you see about making sure you don’t have to live in the brutal conditions you live in for the REST OF YOUR LIFE? Which won’t be long.

For the black women online who are watching and “supporting”, why don’t you get OFF line? Why don’t you open a CD and save money. Why don’t you spend your time building an emergency fund for you and yours? Why don’t you prepare yourself for the inevitable peace walls that will go up and the resources run out. *Khadija has talked about this before numerous times if anyone can find those posts I will give them a virtual cookie*

Like I said on Facebook, when you are as poor as Job’s turkey it makes no sense to give said turkey AWAY.  For those women who are Christian, the bible says nothing about giving away your resources when YOU are poor yourself. Or to People taking ADVANTAGE OF YOU.

http://www.revelation.co/2009/01/14/how-should-christians-respond-to-people-taking-advantage-of-them/

And as a collective black women are POOR.

Hell, when the average amount of money black women have is 1$ then you are POOR.

Instead of investing in the lives of black MEN you don’t know, bussing down to states you DON’T LIVE IN, why don’t you invest in your children’s future and save that money. Why don’t you spend extra time looking up scholarships so your kids can go to college? Hell, why not simply make sure your kids are keeping up in school NOW.

Instead of #bloggingforblackboys,  Why don’t you blog about the emergency food sources you’ve created, why don’t you blog about the emergency water you’ve bought. Why don’t you blog about how you’ve gotten out of debt and prepared yourself in case you lose your job. Why don’t you help other black women do this?

Why don’t you blog about the property you own.

Instead of getting upset at post like these

http://www.forharriet.com/2014/07/why-i-will-not-march-for-eric-garner.html

Why not get angry at the fact that YOU have nothing tangible in your life to protect your family from harm.

Instead of #marching, #boycotting #hashtagging why don’t you build infrastructure that can actually HELP black people, instead of behaving as if this is the civil rights days.

http://bougieblackgirl.com/rioting-ferguson-isnt-answer-black-economic-political-power/

Instead, teach them that the best type of power is the power that comes from building a life that can produce something TANGIBLE.

Instead of teaching them to #march or #hashtag why not teach them how to get their SHIT TOGETHER.

And instead of getting hurt, maimed, beat up, harassed, abused, for a cause for a group that HATES you and YOU won’t BENEFIT from,

Why don’t you

GET YOUR LIFE!

Until Next Time,

STAY NEUTRAL.

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443 thoughts on “GET YOUR LIFE!

  1. I wondered when you would post on this nonsense.

    I think any BW who goes to take on the police is a fool. A total fool. Here’s why.

    After 9/11, when Bush was president, he gave a lot of money to different cities all over the country so they could protect themselves from terrorism. I remember when that was going on because Mayor Bloomberg was angry with Bush, he said that most of that money should go to cities like NY and DC, cities that…well had already been attacked and are filled with the iconic images that are terrorist targets. Even though NYC did get a lot of money to fight terrorism, many other places also got money and funds and have just been waiting for the right time to use them.

    So look at Ferguson now. That’s what is happening. The police are so excited to use their firepower that’s been sitting in a warehouse for years. Also remember that many of these same cops were teenagers during 9/11, and were very, very affected by those images (I don’t care what anybody says, this country is STILL dealing emotionally with 9/11, not just us in NYC). So my point is, they’re ready and waiting; many of them are wannabes, who either didn’t or couldn’t make it in the army, and here come these BW and children going right into the line of fire.

    Not good, not good at all.

    • yawwwnnn….. what I miss……? another lonely independent strong black whatg macallit? wake me when the game is on….what yall cookin….?

  2. http://sojournerspassport.com/last-call-to-evacuate-black-residential-areas-before-the-peace-walls-go-up/

    I have a hankering for oatmeal chocolate chip. And a virtual cookie won’t interfere with my paleo diet. lol.

    The topic of this post is the same point I was making in mine, (the same point we are all making, I think)

    Investing resources (time, money, energy) into these things while you have nothing of your own is a form of grasshopper-ism. (From the fable, the Grasshopper and the Ant). You may think you are being productive because you are working instead of fiddling, but if you are not working at all (or enough) for yourself the result is the same: Winter comes and you freeze/starve to death.

    I have literally just come in from watering my broccoli and kale plants, and killing the japanese beetles that are determined to eat my fledgling blueberry bushes down to the branches. This growing food stuff ain’t easy, or at least not for a beginner. But I have to learn now because food is only getting more expensive.
    People get ready. Winter is coming.

  3. Brilliant. Learn to grow your own food, also take cooking classes, you’d be surprised how much money you save, and how healthier you will be. Places like William Sonoma have free technique cooking classes, and give out free brochures of the recipes; they always try to get you to buy their overpriced stuff, but you don’t have to buy anything, in fact most people don’t buy anything, it’s a good, cheap way to learn something.

  4. Ah, William Sonoma!
    How I suffered in that store as a child, while my mother lingered over lemon zesters and butcher block cutting boards! I finally learned to pretend I was planning my own kitchen to save myself from dying of boredom.

    I didn’t know they gave cooking classes. Lord knows I need to expand my repetoire.

  5. I think there is a clear distinction between the AAW who I’ll refer to as Sojourners (Khadijah’s coined term) and the unfortunate rest of the AAW collective who won’t ever get out of their “ranks”. I didn’t read up on too much of anything about Ferguson except for this blog post alongside Khadija’s and I just SMH. Sounds like the Civil Rights Movement all over again with women and children out on the front lines. What exactly are they expecting to happen? I was reading a comment section on a FB page and some of the women were commenting that AAW (who were a versed to this foolishness) would feel differently if it were their sons, brothers, and so on. I love the men in my immediate family dearly but ill be damned if I throw myself in the pits in defense of them. They wouldn’t want me to either. I cannot and will not put myself on the front lines for men. I was also reading a comment section saying that we should opt more more Black Law Enforcement. HELL NO. We do not need more racist black men in badges and uniforms. I really hope these foolish women don’t disrupt the Sojourners in our movement. I truly hope they don’t.

    • Oh, they’ve been trying hard to redirect Sojourners back to sista soldiering. Bitter has been thrown around a lot to get us back in line but it hasn’t worked. There are still the fools sacrificing themselves yet there are more now who have expressed sympathy to the family while saying no to getting involved.

      #stayoutofitit #stayneutral

  6. These protests are doing nothing to uplift the community period! Neither BM nor BW are going to gain anything positive from this mess. After the protests are over, the neighborhood will just have more abandoned and destroyed buildings and be even worse off because many of the effected businesses will choose not to rebuild and reopen, which will mean less services overall. Not mention the fact that the images being broadcasted across the world portray blacks as violent, unruly, and angry. The blacks in Ferguson are responding to the situation like an unstable, volatile, and developing African country would, showing and proving to some that they are not capable of operating within and navigating the social and political system of the U.S. Hispanics didn’t make immigration an issue by holding violent protests, which would alienate and scare potential allies. They are also reinforcing the idea that poor black areas need to be avoided, and the inhabitants need to be contained because any incident has the potential to lead to absolute chaos. I’m sure businesses and organizations that may have been planning to start new initiatives in Ferguson will probably start looking at other locations. They have been rioting/protesting for some days, but I haven’t heard anything about a list of demands or concessions that they want from the local government. Do they just want the accused cop fired? Do they want more stringent guidelines for using deadly force? Or are they just angry and frustrated, and these protests are just a way to let out some pent up anger and frustration? What are they really hoping to achieve with these protests?

    OLS and other posters, I agree that black people don’t seem to care about children, which is why some willingly and gladly have children without giving a thought to how they will provide a stable and loving home for their offspring. To some, children don’t matter. They are just a consequence of knocking boots–nothing more, nothing less. This is why folks don’t even blink twice when they see these YOUNG children in the midst of a dangerous and potentially deadly environment. My eyes popped out of my head when I saw picture of a 5 y.o. little girl and accompanying her family to the protests on The Atlantic’s website. I thought to myself “Am I the only one disturbed by this?” I was listening to NPR on the way home, and the reporter said that opening of schools was being pushed back another week. As a result, children are being denied access to their education and other useful resources because the adults in their lives would rather protest. Even though classes are not in session, some schools are at least serving meals, so the large numbers of children in the Ferguson school district who are reliant on free breakfast and lunches can be fed. Basically, some kids are going to bed hungry after being tear gassed, frightened, and traumatized. Those protests would be anxiety-inducing for any adult. I can’t imagine how a child would feel in the midst of that chaos. What did Malcolm X say about putting children on the front lines?: “Real men don’t put their children on the firing line.”

    I also agree that black folks should stop protesting and focus on becoming more self-reliant. This is the 21st century, and opportunities abound. We can do things and go places that our ancestors never could. 40+ years after the Civil Rights Movement, and we are still fighting for crumbs (increasing high school graduation rates, lowering incarceration rates, reducing the number of OOW births, etc.), while other groups (Asians, Hispanics, LGBTs) are thinking about how they can dominate and make their mark on the social and political landscape in the U.S. These groups are also utilizing more sophisticated means to manipulate and change the political system. If the black folks in Ferguson poured the same amount of energy that they have spent on protesting into saving money, getting an education, staying out of trouble, and cleaning up their community, the neighborhood and their standard of living would improve by leaps and bounds within a few years. I never want to hear another black person use the system as an excuse for why they can’t get a job, get an education, stay out of jail, etc. The system is out in full force with military-style equipment in Ferguson, but that is not stopping folks from protesting! Protesting is not going to put food on their tables or a roof over their heads, put money in their pockets, or keep them out of jail, yet they are willing to risk life and limb in order to exercise their right to protest. I guess people will always do the things that they want to do, but never what they need to do.

    • Thank you. I was thinking the same thing. What exactly do they want to happen? & SMH at the five year old girl going to march, protest and be tear gassed. Sounds like a war zone.

    • I COMPLETELY AGREE.

      When I saw Faith’s FB post referencing the black children who wouldn’t be able to eat due to school closings, I was on the verge of disgust. I am SO TIRED of hearing about the dependency of AAs upon the system and others for the provision of even the most RUDIMENTARY needs of life. WHY are you having children, if you can even afford to FEED them? But, hard working AAs will be pressured to take on the responsibility of being parents to these children, even if we don’t have children of our own. That’s the TRAP of the “It takes a village to raise a child” mentality. I’m tired of it.

      Correspondingly, what did AAs THINK was going to happen, if they didn’t pay their water bills in Detroit? Infrastructure is NOT CHEAP. NOR, does it SUSTAIN ITSELF. That’s why it’s DETRIMENTAL to keep socializing people to feel comfortable with not working themselves, or accepting other members of their group not working. It drags the entire society down, AS A WHOLE.

      AAs have got to get over this wanting to identify with the most downtrodden, unproductive, and reprobate members of their group. That’s not “love”. That’s not “ethnic pride”. That’s FOOLISHNESS.

  7. During the protests at Tahirir Square, people gathered to continue to teach the children.

    I agree with Bourgie Black Girl 100% about focusing on economic power. It’s easier to protest for a few days than to do the challenging, unsexy, generations-long work of building economic power. Apparently, the local black business owners are going through the wringer right now.

  8. OMG, it must be Sunday, because y’all are preaching the TRUTH in here!

    You are totally on point about children being less valued than men. You see that in family structure all across the country. When the new man shows up, the kids take the back seat, if they even get a seat at all. Rinse, repeat.

    One thing that needs to be addressed, is how to deal with cops in the first place. If you know that you are going to be profiled, and you know that racist cops are out to get you, you need to take steps to stay safe. Parents need to teach their kids how to navigate these encounters safely.

    Keep your hands calm. Don’t make sudden moves. Do NOT run your mouth! Save it for the judge, and better yet, let your attorney handle it. Telling off “the man” does not make you a man, it makes you DEAD. Dead people do not get the last word. Keep your comments to “yes sir, no sir”, and live to fight another day.

    • Very true. Parents need to teach their children that the police are a “necessary evil” if you will. Not that the police ARE evil, but they can be, however they are NECESSARY and that needs to be stressed as well.

      I watched a horrible video of a BW who was arrested by the police and taken off the train. Now, to be fair, I’ve seen them arrest and throw WW to the ground as well. But this woman really made it worse. When they asked her to step off the train she started cursing them out and that’s when things got bad.

      Remember what I said about the fear of terrorism? Well that’s what the police are feeling. To them, YOU are a terrorist. Two years ago a WM killed another WM near the Empire State Building, a construction worker saw the whole thing and told two police officers, who were standing in front of the ESB. When the man walked by them, they shouted for him to stop, then he reached inside his briefcase, bad move. The cops opened fire, it was so bad that a lot of innocent people were hit. Some people sued because they were like, damn, they couldn’t shoot someone who was right in front of them? But some said that the cops were probably scared, maybe they never shot anybody before, maybe they were scared he was going to detonate a bomb (I mean they WERE in front of the ESB). My point, this was a WM and the NYPD opened fire and shot him with no hesitation, I mean he was in front of the ESB, he could have had a bomb in his briefcase, they had no idea what he was going to do. It’s like the saying, “I’d rather be judged by 12 than carried out by 6.”

    • Thanks for linking this. I read the FB post yesterday morning and agreed. See what I see BW doing with BM is NOT love, it’s codependency. When you love a man, you let him be a man, you let him fight his battles, you let him fall if necessary. Wiping a grown man’s ass for them is NOT love, it’s a sickness.

      Khadija mentioned emotional incest. I first heard that term about 25 years ago from John Bradshaw. Emotional Incest is when a parent treats their child as a peer, as a partner. It’s what I see a lot of BW do with their sons; they’ll buy them presents when they don’t have a job; give them a roof over their heads when they’re dealing drugs; basically keep them from experiencing the consequences of their actions and the FB post is correct, the men hate the women for it. Why do the men hate them? Because they can tell it’s not love, love isn’t taking a person hostage, it’s letting them go.

  9. I thought long and hard about how I wanted to respond to this, without coming across the wrong way. First let me state that I don’t believe that Eric Garner nor Mike Brown “deserved to die” which are the common phrases used by even “educated” blacks when discussing these issues.

    However, the black community is known for allowing and excusing “bad behavior” from BM by engaging in the “negro slippery slope of it’s bad but not THAT bad” when it comes to actions. What amazes me is that even educated black folk expect this “excusing” to be perpetuated by the larger society in which we live.

    It goes like this: “Eric Garner was only selling loosies (loose cigarettes), not drugs, he has children to care for, yes it’s illegal but it’s not THAT bad.”

    “I’m not even sure IF that IS Mike Brown on that video tape but even so, he was going to college in two days, so it’s bad but not THAT bad, he didn’t deserve to die.”

    There’s this expectation that because the BC engages in this behavior that communities that prioritize safety and prosperity will also engage in this behavior, when it is their very opposition to this behavior that has created and solidified their safety and prosperity.

    • Gina:

      I understand how you feel about wanting to state your opinion without coming off as callous. While I do believe that protests in Ferguson are counterproductive, I also agree with the sentiment that the justice system deals with AAs harshly, and I feel like that is an injustice. However, like you, I believe that fact doesn’t mean that black criminals should be let off the hook, don’t deserve to be punished, or aren’t a drain on society. I try to pick my words carefully because I don’t want my criticism to sound like it is coming from a place of disdain for black people. A lot of the commentators on mainstream media sites who have come out of the woodwork to denounce these protests are using the situation as an opportunity to express their general disapproval of AAs.

    • Gina,

      If that was Mike Brown in the video, that young man was oh so wrong. You see how the person in the video strong armed the clerk.

      Eric Garner just made the mistake of standing up to the cops. The selling of lose cigarettes while illegal is one of those crimes that I just role my eyes about.

      Either way I think it’s pretty sad and proof that we as a people are in tuff shape if a husband & father of six has to resort to selling lose cigarettes to make some extra money.

      One other thing, I know this is not PC and may require my Black card but …. have we forgotten about “suicide by cop” ? Many of our people are misserable and are doing all sorts of dangerous and self destructive nonsense. Mr. Garner had to know it would not end well.

      • “One other thing, I know this is not PC and may require my Black card but …. have we forgotten about “suicide by cop” ? Many of our people are misserable and are doing all sorts of dangerous and self destructive nonsense. Mr. Garner had to know it would not end well.”
        Chicnoir This right here.

        Suicidal tendencies are real. (even in Black women) (even in me?)

        My 70 year old dad was on the Metro exactly two weeks ago and a DBR young AAM was on the train yelling at a young AA girl and it wasn’t clear to Dad if she knew the young “man” or not. But this DBR dude was raging on the train and no one said anything. My father had worked with secret police years ago so Pop don’t take no mess. So when this rage-oholic began bumping into my Dad my father told him first that’s no way to talk to a lady, two he was disturbing the peace and third he was violating his (my Dad’s) personal space and if he couldn’t contain himself my father was going to call the authorities. (My dad doesn’t like calling the Man on young bloods but this one was being unreasonable/foolish according to my Dad. My Daddy is always advising against trying to reason with a fool)

        All of a sudden this “thug” turned is rage towards my Dad and told my dad he don’t care he ain’t scared and he wants to DIE anyway. WTF. So when the train stopped at the next stop my father got off and got the attention of the train operator who called the Metro police who happen to be on the station platform .My dad told me the he was shocked that the guy was still there sitting on the train like nothing had happen. My father told me he even said to the guy ‘What, you’re still here?!’ Police arrested the guy and peace was returned to the train.

        I told my dad I was proud of him was standing up for the young lady (he said of course because I would want someone to do the same for my daughter) (tears) and two I told him this what I and other BW have to pick from the dregs of BM.

        And he quickly told me that’s not true because he said remember back in 92 after the LA riots that he told me that I should only focus on a quality man regardless of his RACE and I might have a better chance with men in the global world. (and he did say all those words of wisdom years ago but I was too BM codependent to see clearly) Sad to say it took me until 2010 to unplug from the Matrix .

        Not taking away from Evia Khadija OLS Halima Faith or Sara et al but Pops was my first exposure to commonsense BWE thinking because he saw the writing on the walls . But I think he was trying to reason with a fool back then. But thanks to the aforementioned ladies’ blogs and maturity and a slap from Reality…I’m Awake!!!!

      • this is why, when someone is a BIG built man, black or white (which tends to be the groups with the biggest men) if you go against a cop who is 5’6″ or under 6′ 0″, expect to get shot
        besides, if it was a female cop, i doubt that this would even be an issue–although i could be wrong.

        also, when blacks and whites riot and act up, its the ASIANS who will have the SPOILS when they are through. even how, asian men are outearning white men

  10. This post is SO ON POINT.

    All of this repetitious, self-sabotage is fatiguing. I’m just happy to read the thoughts of other BW who “get it”. I’m just going to share brief commentary on a few of the concepts shared in this article.

    Condoleeza Rice said her parents never agreed with putting children in the front lines during the Civil Rights Movement. She also said she can remember her father and other BM from her community policing their neighborhoods with guns at night to protect their families. She was fortunate enough to have a healthier representation of manhood, community, and family in her life. AAs today have it SO BACKWARDS.

    BM are JEALOUS of WM and want to be WM equivalents. This goes back to AAs deciding that the focus of their civil rights efforts should be association with others rather than building an equally strong collective of their own. Now, AAs feel inferior, simply because they are in the presence of their own people. They feel inferior when their partners or children are AAs. AAs need nonblack affiliation to feel valued and important. I’m too fatigues to expound upon this further.

    I was recently attending a class, and a lady was discussing how when she lived in LA, they would put up “Jersey barriers” at night, to keep people from traveling into undesirable neighborhoods. It reminded me of the “peace walls” Khadija wrote about. The concept makes sense. But, we know many of those areas likely had high concentrations of AAs.

    I, PERSONALLY, refuse to live anywhere with a reputation for high levels of police brutality. I don’t feel like dealing with it. Frankly, I like to maintain a positive relationship with law enforcement. I appreciate having their services available, when I need assistance. Though I have experience a heightened and unwarranted level of aggression from an AA cop. And, Sean Bell was killed by a half-black, half -Hispanic cop. So, any places with reports of elevated police aggression are on my “places to avoid” list.

    AA women/girls have been socialized to think they need to be in and live through the mess other foolish and unmotivated AAs go through to prove they care about the community and to help. All that I see happening is a drain of the resources of industrious individuals. I have no problem living with AAs. But, I’m not going to jeopardize my safety to prove I care about my group. If my group cares ABOUT ME, they will make sure I have safety and protection.

    I’m Christian. And, that is very important to me. However, I am tired of Christianity being manipulated to justify usury, abuse, and not using one’s intellect. Jesus never advocated being a fool. As a matter of fact, the Bible has an entire book, Proverbs, that focuses on using WISDOM and staying away from bad influences.

    I apologize for the disjointed-ness of my commentary. I am just too fatigued by all of this to share my thoughts in the format of a carefully constructed English essay. Lol.

    • Formavitae:

      There are some things that really stood out to me in your posts.

      You said, “Now, AAs feel inferior, simply because they are in the presence of their own people. They feel inferior when their partners or children are AAs. AAs need nonblack affiliation to feel valued and important. I’m too fatigues to expound upon this further.”

      I am sad to say that I see this with my age group (early to late twenties). I was talking with one of my BM acquaintances at school, and he mentioned that he doesn’t socialize with other black people just because. This is the attitude that some educated up and coming black professionals have. They think that because they don’t have any black friends that they are winning. They don’t see the benefit of cultivating BOTH black and non-black allies. Having a diverse professional network is key, and it is your black peer and mentors who understand AND care about the racism and prejudice that will try and derail your career and will hip you to some of the realities in your chosen profession that your non-black mentors are in denial about or simply want to perpetuate. Once you are admitted or hired, the school, company, organization that you have joined has filled their diversity quota and doesn’t truly care if you are happy or disappointed with the organization’s cultural climate. If you choose to isolate yourself from the sensible and successful minorities in your office, you will simply be clueless and frustrated about why you are working twice as hard, but not getting promoted or receiving pay raises like your non-black counterparts because no one has let you in on some well kept secrets. The sentiment that black is bad, and white is good is the reason why AAs have failed to maintain and improve many of the cultural institutions that they built in years past. It also why there will probably never be another Black Wall Street. Black people no longer want to partner with other black people to achieve common goals with the exception of protesting/rioting.

      You said, “I, PERSONALLY, refuse to live anywhere with a reputation for high levels of police brutality. I don’t feel like dealing with it. Frankly, I like to maintain a positive relationship with law enforcement. I appreciate having their services available, when I need assistance.”

      I agree completely. I don’t know why there isn’t a mass exodus out of Ferguson, MO. Not every town and city in the country is rocked by scandals like this or has a reputation for police brutality. If you want to live long as a black person, not only should you avoid crime ridden areas, but you should avoid areas where cops (Ferguson, LA, NY) or citizens (cough, cough Florida) have a tendency to shoot or abuse minorities over minor and sometimes nonexistent violations. I would also like to note that some cities (e.g. LA, NYC) with a history and reputation for police brutality are outside of the South. A lot of the atrocities being committed in these supposedly more progressive West Coast, Midwestern, or Northeastern states mirror the treatment that many black folks received under Jim Crow.

      You said, “AA women/girls have been socialized to think they need to be in and live through the mess other foolish and unmotivated AAs go through to prove they care about the community and to help. All that I see happening is a drain of the resources of industrious individuals.”

      This ties back to your earlier comment about black people not valuing or enjoying the company of their “brothers” and “sisters.” BW are essentially being set up to do a job that no one (i.e. BM) wants to do. While BW hold down the fort, BM are free to seek out privilege by infiltrating non-black social and professional networks. However, since most black people really don’t want to associate and partner with black people, chances are slim that BW will get to reap any rewards from the BM’s new found privilege (i.e. protection, money, stability, etc.). BW are working to support individuals that don’t care about them, don’t want to be associated with them, and don’t want to help them at all.

      • O.M.G.

        I just lost A HUGE response to you.

        Sigh…

        Ok. I’m going to start again, with a more condensed version. Lol.

        I’m in my 30s, and I have seen this abandonment of the AA populace and deterioration of AA interpersonal relationships seem to plummet at an EVER INCREASING PACE.

        I have been in a variety of educational and professional institutions. And, the “relationship” between AAs seems to be strictly related to political ideas and resource access. None of them seem to have a genuine focus on building community or families with each other. These relationships are all “FAUX”, IMO. I’ve never fit in with AAs, so I just stay out of it. But, the AA males focus on investing their emotional energies and resources into non-AA women. They just use the AA women for sex, resources, and connections, from what I can see. But, the AA women stay committed and available, regardless. I just can’t do it.

        I can’t discuss these things with my mother, because she’ll just say, “ALL BM are not like that.” Ok, mom. Whatever. There are some nice AA young men who go to her church, so, she doesn’t see what’s happening all around her, in terms of AA relationships. However, her father (IMO, “THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD”) who was born in 1900, once told me, in the 90s, regarding today’s young BM, “If someone tried to see me A DOZEN (TEN) of them for a quarter, I’d give them a quarter and tell them to ‘KEEP ON WITH THE BOYS.’ ”

        LOL!!!

        I often wonder if the young black boys my mother and other AA women work so hard to care and provide for (who aren’t even FAMILY), who seem to be so sweet now, will grow up to cherish and protect the young AA girls who will become the women like my mother and others. It’s unfortunate that SO MANY AA women don’t believe they even have THE RIGHT to expect AA boys/men to cherish and provide for AA women and girls.

        All I have to say is, I white girl can go to medical school (for example) and expect to be cherished and valued by a white male medical student. A Pakistani girl can go to medical school and expect to be cherished and valued by a Pakistani male medical student. An ETHIOPIAN girl can go to medical school and expect to be cherished and valued by an Ethiopian male medical student. But, an AA girl can NOT go to medical school AND EXPECT to be cherished and valued by an AA male medical student. As a matter of fact, the AA male medical student will most likely cherish and attempt to marry the white, Pakistani, Ethiopian, Dominican, Chinese, BlaHispanJaSWEDEnese medical student, instead. AS A MATTER OF FACT, if the AA male medical student can’t get any of those girls to return his attentions and affections, he’ll probably start screwing THE WRESTLING TEAM. (And, if you notice, even when they’re g a y, they prefer nonblack partners. It’s a sickness.) At least he won’t get any “black, nappy-headed” children from THOSE exchanges. HEAVEN FORBID, the BM has a child who looks like HIMSELF.

        And, all you said about the BS in the professional world IS REAL. I can attest, from personal experience. That’s why I am concentrating my personal, professional, and educational efforts on obtaining the knowledge and skills necessary to navigate this world and to be free from the control of others.

        I’ve said MORE than “A LOT”. Time for me to rest a bit. 🙂

        Florida (and many other places) IS NOT FOR ME.

        AA women aren’t going to get ANYTHING for their heavy investments. Honestly, the best thing AA women could do is invest in themselves and their daughters (children), because the oppression we receive from INSIDE THE GROUP wouldn’t exist, if we would stop giving those who fail to support us our resources and strength. Everything they “hit” us with is established upon all the resources to help make them “strong” in the first place. So, AA women need to just STOP IT (as Neecey said, in one of her posts).

        This is all A BIG MESS. AA women need to focus on keep THEMSELVES clean.

        • Correction: “SELL me a dozen…”

          “…keepING THEMSELVES clean.”

          I need to sleep. This “fatigue” is just TOO MUCH. Lol

        • Ok. One last comment, for now. 🙂

          Just to juxtapose my grandfather with today’s TYPICAL AA male:

          When my grandfather was in his mid-90s, he needed to have a bilateral, below-the knee amputation. He was wheelchair bound, after that. Although he had worked, FOR YEARS, and was still supporting his family with multiple pensions, he felt BAD about the fact that he wasn’t “going to work”. He would often say he needed to go to work. And, this is while he was in his MID TO LATE NINETIES. He maintained that mentality, until he died, at 104.

          THERE IS NO COMPARISON.

          THAT IS ALL.

        • @ Formavitae G-d bless your grandfather. May his memory be a blessing on you and your family.

          When did young people quit listening to their elders? IMHO, that’s exactly where all this trouble started.

        • @ Yocheved R

          Thank you, SO MUCH.

          My grandfather is STILL a great source of strength and encouragement for me. I think of him everyday and try to make him proud.

      • WOW,,, just wow,
        i also blame the c/RAP hip hop culture for this ‘inferiority’ since it has been around since the early 80s
        before this, some of us were getting ahead
        now c/RAP is really painting black women in a bad light

        this also reminds me of this song..in 2009
        “wooooaooooooaooooooaooooah”
        “woooaoooooooaoooooaooooaah’

        Bag Lady, you gon’ hurt cho back…..

        yeah, my kid likes Erykah Badu….its even her ringtone….LOL
        Before i watched the video, i thought it was about an old black lady on the streets but i found out later it was the bags were BagGAGE not bags of clothes
        about black women in blackistan–“punching bag lady”–“nickel bag lady” etc.

        black women shouLD never BE MARCHING and putting themselves and small children at risk.

        • Hip hop has done more irreparable damage to the AA community than many realize.

          Unfortunately, our group decided that it was more important for INDIVIDUAL AAs to attain gargantuan amounts of wealth than it was for the entire group to advance overall. AAs have their own “trickle down economics” philosophies that never work. But, IMO, the primary problem now is that the children cease to love and value their ancestors, and they’re being taught that that is “okay”.

          Each day, I see in the younger generation a lack of a appreciation for their own ethnic group. The goal seems to be being considered amiable by “others” with minimal interactions with “self”. But, this isn’t just about not “fitting in”, these younger people DON’T WANT to be associated with their own people, whether they’re good, positive people or not. This honestly makes me VERY RELUCTANT to have children.

          And, yes. Since I have never been into music videos, I also thought Erykah Badu’s song “Bag Lady” was about a homeless woman, until I listened to the lyrics. Lol. I’m glad to hear your daughter enjoys music with a meaningful message. On a slight tangent, I once helped a friend research songs with a “message”. There were SOOOO MANY songs of purpose and substance during the era of Marvin Gaye. I mean, the musicianship was EXCELLENT, the singing was REAL, and you could get you GROOVE ON, but depth was never sacrificed. I really regret that our society has lost its appreciation for SUBSTANCE.

  11. When I was growing up in the 50’s, my parents told me how to act with the police: You say ‘yes sir’ and ‘no sir’ and you do what they say. And if something happens you don’t think is right, ‘later’ is when you deal with it. Never seen a day when that wasn’t good advice.

  12. Pingback: What EVERY Black woman needs to read! | NEECY'S NEST

  13. Black women. It is seriously time to start thinking about an emergency. Are you prepared. This website is extremely good and this post in particular gives an idea of what to have in case of a crisis. As I said when I posted this on FB even having a few of things things can make a disaster easier to manage. For those people who went through Hurricane Katrina they know how having some of these things is important. Along with having emergency money just in case you lose your job.

    http://www.preparednesspro.com/items-to-hoard

  14. —-If you want to live long as a black person, not only should you avoid crime ridden areas, but you should avoid areas where cops (Ferguson, LA, NY) or citizens (cough, cough Florida) have a tendency to shoot or abuse minorities over minor and sometimes nonexistent violations. I would also like to note that some cities (e.g. LA, NYC) with a history and reputation for police brutality are outside of the South. A lot of the atrocities being committed in these supposedly more progressive West Coast, Midwestern, or Northeastern states mirror the treatment that many black folks received under Jim Crow.—–

    I agree with much of what you wrote, however, I hate to see some places painted with such a broad brush. I’m in Northern California but the problem “LA” has is that the county of Los Angeles is huge, Los Angeles proper is not, but many adjacent cities are often called “LA”

    Even when I talk to business colleagues who are in “LA” and they say ‘stop by next time you’re in “LA” I have to ask “Are you in LA-LA or…” and they are usually in a different city but the broader term “LA” is used to refer to so many areas.

    That nuance wouldn’t be so obvious to people who don’t deal with that, but as a life time west coaster the idea that blacks receive treatment similar to Jim Crow is just patently false.

    There is no comparison of a place like Ferguson with LA (or even NY for that matter without being specific as to what you mean by NY). Ferguson is a small town outside of St. Louis with a small population, primarily black, primarily lower income. LA is a metro with millions of people, ethnic diversity, an international airport (which may seem silly to mention but international imports have a huge impact on the economics of an area) numerous universities (some of which are top ranked), tons of high paying employment, high real estate prices and higher median incomes and a handful of native industries.

    I just don’t like to see this spread. I remember back when I was a student at Howard U, me being from Northern Cali and my roommate being from Southern Cali. We got ENDLESS questions about drive bys and crips and bloods like that defined all of Northern and Southern California (because no one quite knows WHAT to say or do about Central California).

    The median home price in LA is north of half a million. In Ferguson it’s below 100K. To tell black people they can’t prosper in places like LA (or NY for that matter) without being specific about the reality that most violent crime takes place in specific neighborhoods is just misleading.

    “LA” is absolutely a place where blacks can prosper. There are even high end black neighborhoods/communities that mirror those in other areas of the country, high performing black private schools and prosperous networks for black professionals and business owners. The isolated incidents of publicized police brutality does not represent the entirety of “LA”.

    • Gina:

      I understand not wanting to paint LA with a broad brush, but a lot of high profile cases have come out of there in the last few years. In addition, LA has also been mentioned as one of the most segregated cities in the nation:

      http://www.businessinsider.com/most-segregated-cities-in-america-2013-11?op=1
      http://www.salon.com/2011/03/29/most_segregated_cities/slide_show/1

      I get what you say about nuance. I spent much of my formative years in the Southeast, so you can imagine the kinds of questions I got from blacks and whites when I traveled/moved to different states and countries. People are often shocked when I say that I am from the South because they assume that we are all dumb, ignorant, close-minded, religious, anti-LGBT, anti-abortion, racist (if white), etc. In addition, I often met the sentiment that racism only exists in the South or that the racism in other parts of the country was minimal or non-existent. Folks would often refer to the racist incidents in their towns, cities, states, etc. as “isolated” incidents and ignore the dismal health, social, and economic statistics of black people in their areas, but want to harp on how terrible it is for blacks in the South. I greatly enjoyed my time in the South and may return for residency. However, this doesn’t mean that there are not some real, ugly realities about the region just as there are some real, ugly realities about Los Angeles even though it appears to be a bastion of liberalism on the surface. I could also say that the South is a place where black folks can prosper since our social circle consisted of numerous black professionals (i.e. doctors, lawyers, professors, etc.) that had all the trappings of the American dream, but that would be only telling half the story. These events may “isolated” incidences to you, but there are some communities in LA have a very contentious relationship with law enforcement just like the black people of Ferguson where police harassment and brutality are regular occurrences. We only get to hear about the few incidences that result in death or make it to the national news. These are probably communities that I’m guessing you don’t frequent because of your social and economic background. Socializing in certain circles is how I avoided some the harsh realities of growing up black in the South, but that doesn’t mean those realities are inconsequential and should be disregarded just because they didn’t affect me. They are many wonderful things about L.A., but there are also some not so great things just like there are both good and bad things about the South.

      This question has nothing to do with the previous paragraphs, but since you are from LA, I have a question: How much must one make before they are able to buy desirable property in LA? To qualify for a $500,000 mortgage loan, you would need to make ~$120,000/yr, assuming you don’t have any other debt like student loans, car payments, etc. How do families living in LA, NYC, or any other expensive American city live the good life or at least survive (i.e. not putting all their money towards rent, mortgage on a small home, food, transportation, etc.) on less than $100,000/yr? I always tell people that I would only move to LA or NYC if I was millionaire. They are fun cities to visit, but I don’t want to live in an area where I am pinching pennies even though I am working full-time at a “good” job. I put my salary from my previous job that I had before I returned to school into the CNN Money Cost of Living calculator and was told that I would need to make $92,812/yr to have a standard of living comparable to the one that I had in the South. I ask these questions because a lot of the best residency programs are in high cost of living areas. Also, I’ve always wondered if the perception of life as being expensive and unmanageable on a regular income is false.

      • —This question has nothing to do with the previous paragraphs, but since you are from LA,—

        I’m not from LA and I don’t recall saying that.

        I live in, and am from, Northern California. The San Francisco Bay Area to be specific. I would suppose that in many areas the average home cost is also as high (or higher) in several communities up here as it is “down there”. I live in the suburbs, the cost of homes is lower.

        –How much must one make before they are able to buy desirable property in LA? —

        Again, specifically WHERE? See, you can’t paint with a broad brush. I know people who live in LA proper, in good neighborhoods with average incomes (around 50-65K, which is perfectly doable out here) and I know a few people who live in multi million dollar homes.

        — I always tell people that I would only move to LA or NYC if I was millionaire. —

        I’ve seen people write that and I think that’s misguided. It reminds me of the infamous statement that the average cost of raising a child, until age 18, is $250K, and then people go “I’m not having children, it’s too expensive!”

        —there are some communities in LA have a very contentious relationship with law enforcement just like the black people of Ferguson where police harassment and brutality are regular occurrences.—

        That’s somewhat true (I still contend that police “brutality” is not a “regular occurrence”, if you were to compare the number of incidents to the number that result in use of force or weapons drawn, it would not be enough to consider it a “regular occurrence”), but you are literally talking about communities of maybe one or a few square miles out of a much larger city. So it’s classifying a broader city based on problems in pocket areas.

        I’m from Oakland. Let people tell it, if you drive through Oakland, you might get murked. I grew up there. There are bad neighborhoods, gentrified neighborhoods and neighborhoods of multi million dollar homes and high income residences. I have a white friend who moved to Oakland to have an easy commute to job in SF. It was all a matter of where. San Francisco has it’s “problem areas” also. Classifying an entire city, though, based on these things and making a statement like “blacks can’t prosper there” is just false.

        —These are probably communities that I’m guessing you don’t frequent because of your social and economic background.—

        You’re right and wrong with this one. NOT because of my social economic background, but real talk, if/when I go to LA, WHY ON EARTH would I be rolling through the hood? Let’s keep it all the way real. Because that is what it is. Why on earth would I go visit/spend time in high crime areas in ANY city?

        Even with all that said, I have friends who live in the south/midwest, who say things like “you should move”, usually because the cost of living is “so high” out here (usually the statement is “you could get a huge house in XYZ for $XXX,XXX). I would NEVER try to convince anyone who was against living in the area to move to the area. Yes the cost of living is high, but everything else supports it. The GDP of California is nearly 2 TRILLION DOLLARS. 20% (or so) of the world’s billionaires are here. It’s a hub of international trade. A great public university system, top ranked private universities. What is prosperity if not opportunity?

        I think if you’re going to tell someone that they should not live somewhere, it should be based of a more informed perspective rather than relying on reports like these. Even with the florida comment,

        –or citizens (cough, cough Florida) have a tendency to shoot or abuse minorities over minor and sometimes nonexistent violations–

        The few incidents are not enough to state that citizens have a TENDENCY to shoot minorities.

        • Gina. They need to move the [expletive] out of those areas. This is a very good time to use a broad brush. All of what you said sounds like derailment. Its not good nor is it safe. Thats just what it is. End.

        • Lurker weighing in..

          I hear what Gina is saying. I don’t think it’s derailment. I am from NYC, born and raised. I am in a IRR. I don’t have any kids yet, but I don’t have any qualms about raising them here in regards to police brutality.

          Like LA, NYC is a large city. The neighborhood you live in matters. If you’re living in a neighborhood with a lot of gang violence (some areas of Queens, some areas of Brooklyn, for example) those are the areas to worry about. However, despite what incidents are reported on the news in my experience as a Black woman living in New York police brutality isn’t a daily concern for me. Stop and frisk has never happened to me, as I suspect it would also be rare for a Black man who is wearing a suit instead of baggy jeans. Real talk, this is a very diverse city but class factors in who may get targeted as a trouble maker and stopped more by the police. In other places, if you’re “driving while black” in a well off neighborhood it’s enough to get stopped by police — in NYC most of us take the subway; rich people can live blocks away from a housing project in Manhattan. In the outer boroughs (the Bronx, Queens, Brooklyn) wealth distribution is more pronounced, as there are even gated communities for the well off. If you’re walking near one if those I’m sure cops would stop you simply for not looking like a resident of that area! (ie, racial profiling)

          Overall, I don’t think cops in NYC have the same mentality as the Ferguson PD who view the folks they’re hired to protect as “animals” and break out the riot gear with glee.

          Choosing where to “live well”, diversity matters. A town like Ferguson which is 70% black and poor, yet the entire local government is white dominated is problematic to me. Having blacks and other people of color in positions of power throughout the local government means accountability and far more likely that citizens are viewed as people first instead “animals” to be controlled. To me, Ferguson is a move out zone.

        • youre right about CA
          in fact, the tri county northern CA area is GROUND ZERO for the internet
          i call it TRI COUNTY instead of SILLY-CON VALLEE
          San Francisco, city and county, is was TWITTER IS and the symbol of TWITTER is meaningful since Francis WAS the patron saint of the animals
          San Mateo county is where youtube is and also Facebook
          even though Facebooks zip code is in E. Palo Alto which is in San Mateo county, the address is in Palo Alto which is Santa Clara county.
          that county is where YAHOO, GOOGLE., INSTAGRAM, PINTEREST, etc, etc. etc. is

          in Italian Catholic history, Francis of Assisi Italy was rich and had a rich father.
          but he took the advice of JESUS seriously when the rich young ruler in the Bible said to give it up
          Francis did, and Claire of Assisi was his friend who became a nun
          Later, when CA was Alta California, Junipero Serra, a Franciscan Friar, wanted to name the city of Yerba Buena after Francis
          Matthew is the first book of the New Testament, and is a good separator between Francis and Claire….(they didn’t get married and stayed celibate

  15. Let me also add one more comment without really referring to anyone specifically.

    When I mentioned I would get “you should move” comments from people, it was almost always from other black people, not from white people. I think as blacks, we have some very “interesting” ideas about wealth, especially generational wealth, because we lack it in our communities.

    I would grate my teeth every time I got a comment about how much bigger of a house you could get somewhere with what we pay in California. Once my mother said she was moving to Texas so she could buy a big house on her salary. I wished her the best and said I’d try to visit.

    A friend used to watch the Millionaire Matchmaker and one of the things Patti Stanger (sp?) would advise women is to live in the absolute best neighborhood they could, even if they needed to have roommates to do it. Because opportunity, networking and dating was typically based off proximity and if you want something, you need to go where the action is because it will not come to you.

    I think if you want to prosper as a black woman, you go where prosperity is concentrated for whatever it is that you do. I wouldn’t personally live in Ferguson because it’s too low income for me. I wouldn’t live in LA, but not because of the police issues, but rather I just wouldn’t be able to tolerate the prevalent superficiality that exists there because of the influence of Hollywood. But if I wanted to prosper in an industry where that was the best area, I’d grit my teeth and make the move.

    If I had my 20s to do over, knowing what I know now, I would have gone for the top tier even if it meant 4 chicks living in an apartment in the heart of San Francisco or Silicon Valley. Absolutely.

    My friend has a house, roughly the same size as mine, in Santa Clara. My home, maybe worth 200-220K, hers, close to a million. We bought them for similar prices. Back then blacks weren’t really trying to move to Santa Clara because it’s “soooooooo white” (and Asian, but I digress).

    Oh and her neighbors, well, they went on to found/co-found some of THE most prominent, lasting, companies to come out of the Valley, some are BILLIONAIRES. They may not still live “around the corner” but they don’t live far away.

    Knowing what I know now, I would have done it differently. I didn’t have the benefit of having those tips passed down to me because my mom, bless her heart, still does’t “get that”, even to this day.

  16. I have an friend who is young and stupid, she is so upset about the Michael Brown case. I’m a type of person who does not like to repeat important information constantly, but I did tell her she need to stop begging for black males attention. She is so ready to put her life on the line for this rubbish. I’m thinking why should I throw pearls of wisdom at swine. Thank you One Less Girl Friday, Muslim Bushido, Evia and others for writing words of wisdoms.

  17. @APA & Gina

    What you are BOTH saying has lots of validity because there is NO absolute truth about anything–except as they say: “death and taxes.” LOL! In any discussion, the light must always find the NUANCES and degrees and shades of degrees.

    For ex., from what I’ve heard about the rioting in Ferguson and the few glimpses I saw, I assumed that the entire city had been burned to the ground by now. HOWEVER, I just saw a clip where a city official there stated that all of the rioting, looting, etc. occurred in an area that was only about 1/2 mile long. Apparently, the rest of the area wasn’t even affected.

    The same goes for Chicago, NYC, etc. The hellholes are usually confined to relatively small areas. Yet, this is NOT the perception at all by outsiders. I had southern relatives who were terrified to visit me and my husband and kids in NYC even though we lived in a nice, middle class area of Queens–because they believed they would be killed if they ever set foot anywhere in any of the 5 boroughs of NYC. LOL!

  18. —Gina. They need to move the [expletive] out of those areas. This is a very good time to use a broad brush. All of what you said sounds like derailment. Its not good nor is it safe. Thats just what it is.—

    Yes people need to move out of unsafe areas. But an ENTIRE CITY or METRO does not become unsafe because of the high crime areas that are pockets of that city. If that’s the case, then there are few entirely safe cities to live in.

  19. —The same goes for Chicago, NYC, etc. The hellholes are usually confined to relatively small areas. Yet, this is NOT the perception at all by outsiders. I had southern relatives who were terrified to visit me and my husband and kids in NYC even though we lived in a nice, middle class area of Queens–because they believed they would be killed if they ever set foot anywhere in any of the 5 boroughs of NYC. LOL!—

    Absolutely, and I completely understand.

  20. Most other groups of people preserve children and young women because without those two, the species will die off.

    One man can make 9+ babies in nine months
    One woman will make 1 maybe two babies in nine months.

  21. What people aren’t realizing, particulary average White America is this is just a show of things to come. What until the economic situation in this country further detorates. Now we see how well armed the and sick( many are mentally ill returning vets) the police really are.

    This is exactly why I’m moving into the prepper movement(lowkey).

    • Yes! This, so much! I notice especially many white Americans believe that their high standard of living will always be there. Its sad and scary the entitlement i see in americans (black and white) that their standards will never change. I definitely am with you in the prepper movement!

      • What the police in have shown is that they are ready for war. They are ready to mow down American citizens. Black America is the canary in the coal mine. It happens to is first before making its way over to White America.

        When suburban Whites start rioting because their quality of life has eroded to barely above poverty level, it will be too late. The police and military will turn against them just as the police and military turn against ordinary citizens in third world countries.

        Anyway the thing about most human beings is they don’t worry about a thing until that thing hits them in the face.

        Ladies if you don’t have room to grow a garden or feel daunted when thinking about growing a “victory” garden. Just start off with a few herbs. Pininterst can help you out. I’ve seen herbs grown indoors or mostly indoors.

        For those of us wanting to grow gardens in the city, please have your soil tested for lead etc… This is very important if you have young children.

        • “..The police and military will turn against them just as the police and military turn against ordinary citizens in third world countries.”

          This has happened in the past in the U.S. against veterans:

          http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hooverville

          “..The Bonus Army, a group of World War I veterans seeking expedited benefits, established a Hooverville in Anacostia in the District of Columbia in 1932. At its maximum there were 15,000 people living there.[6] The camp was demolished by units of the U.S. Army, commanded by Gen. Douglas MacArthur.”

          http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/macarthur/peopleevents/pandeAMEX89.html
          http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bonus_Army

          Bottom line is that there is already a precedent. Anything one can do to become more self sufficient and to build their own “resilient communities” will be better off as the economic decline continues.

          As I have stated in the past, peace walls are coming and can/will take many different forms.

          Those that are perceived to be “parasites to the system “(i.e. non-contributory) will be cut off. It is already starting by cutting off infrastructure services and it will continue. As Khadija has stated in the past “AAs refuse to do for self”. In my opinion, their fate as a group has been sealed. Sensible BW need to continue their exodus while there is still time to do so.

        • Watch the documentary “Hard Times.” I think it states that poverty is rising faster in the suburbs than in the cities, which makes sense because there are less resources in the suburbs and you need a car to get around and if you can’t make car payments/pay for gas, etc…plus think of the money to heat your home and some of those homes are McMansions, and you have a recipe for disaster.

    • I started prepping this spring after having gone through a really bad winter in my area and losing power for several days. We did have food and water and a way to cook meals. However we were stuck in our home with no heat for several days because of a blown transformer. No heat in the dead of winter. With the motels in our area full we had to suck it up until power was restored. We will not go though that again. I am now much better prepared than I was several months ago and should this happen again we are ready. Do not let people call you nuts for prepping. Live by the saying,”When you’re ready you never have to get ready.”

      While there are few black preppers out there…or few who will go online to share what they know there are a lot of sites and YouTube up loads that can offer loads of information. This is where I started. You will also get some of the best and most sound information here.
      https://www.lds.org/topics/food-storage?lang=eng
      And here:
      http://www.preparedldsfamily.blogspot.com/

      The Mormons have been at this for centuries and have common sense advice for no only weather related emergencies but financial ones.
      People in all living situations, locations and budget levels have posted information that is easily available for any women to get started securing her home and family.

      • Ooh did you get a woodstove or generator? Or both?
        We have a soapstone woodstove that I luuuurrrrrvvvvve. I order the firewood by the cord. Saves money and trouble. Nothing like knowing you won’t freeze to death if the power goes out.

        • We went with a generator. My husband calculated the size that we would need and made the purchase. We plan to power down our home to only the things necessary. The generator will keep the refrigerator and freezers going as well as the heating system. We heat with gas but need the electronic ignition functional.

          We are now in the process of laying in a store of gasoline to run the generator and will have what we need before cold weather sets in.

  22. One thing I believe people should prepare for is economic disaster. And there are ways to prepare for that. If you can grow your own food, do so. Do you know how to cook? If not, learn; buy cookbooks, learn how to prepare meals that aren’t expensive. One of my friends goes to her butcher shop and gets the ends of meat, then she throws them in a pot and makes soup. Beans and veggies are a nutritious meal and inexpensive.

    Can you live in your house/apartment making say 70% of what you earn now?

    Get rid of most credit cards, pay cash for most things.

    Make your own coffee at home, don’t buy Starbucks, (too expensive)

    If you’re going to eat out, eat breakfast out, breakfast is cheaper than lunch. If you eat lunch out, have some soup, it’s usually less expensive than a sandwich.

    Exercise. You don’t have to join a pricy gym. Buy a few DVD’s and work out at home if you can; walk around the block, up the stairs in your house, when you exercise, you feel better about yourself.

    I rarely watch the local news. Why? Because most of it is b.s. One horror story after another designed to make you afraid, afraid enough to buy stuff. Look, on Saturday, I was at a swim meet. It was mostly Black and Hispanic children there, and then there was water ballet. No one was fighting, no one was cutting up or shooting each other. And I didn’t see a single reporter, or cameraman there. Now, if there’d been a shooting there, or a fight, you’d best believe the news would be there full force.

    • Oooh, I used to do water ballet!

      Later on, I worked as a lifeguard in DC in Chinatown before its gentrification. It was so edifying to work in a primarily black environment that was normal–low key, positive, etc. Years later saw one of the lifeguards on public tv speaking about education. There were only two problem makers, and wouldn’t you know, they were related.

      For real though, I think the best gift I could give a possible son, is to rear him outside the US, where the police are unarmed.

  23. I have notice lately that many cities are choosing to keep resources within their own communities. For instance Santa Monica, California has a superb public library, which was always pack with people checking out books, dvd’s and music for no charge. This city is consider homeless friendly, but now they have chance their tune. In order to attain an library card without charge, the individual must reside within the city limits. With identification stating they live in Santa Monica, for the outsider their is an annual fee of twenty-five dollars, which include staff that work there. Since this was put in place their is less people coming to the library. Because they cannot afford the fee each year. Sorry for being off topic but many people do not connect the dots and that why people need to prepare for the long decline of the economy.

  24. “Around The Way” is the name of a free app that lists the names of locally owned Black businesses according to zip code. From reading the reviews it appears the app has a few issues but it can certainly be used as a source. Just follow the money trail.

  25. Ladies Love all of your comments. So glad I found this site it give so much to think about and the level of conversation is always high in information, tact, class, and awareness. I just wanted to share this little idea with some as I’ve found it interesting and in the future may put this into action.

    http://www.tumbleweedhouses.com/products/enesti/

    This maybe an option if, you have or can get land not the ones on wheels, but the others. I have two friends who did this one in the San Francisco bay area and the other is San Diego both spent about 50K to get it all done and the one in San Diego sold it ~ 5years later for $500,000. Beats paying rent and some are small enough that you could put them in the back of an already existing house and charge rent to bring in another source of income.

    So ladies what do you think?

  26. Here is another site about tiny houses that I love to visit and am using to gather my plans. Really as house prices creep up along with rent these places become the thing to do. Also, if you install solar panels to get off the grid, a compost toilet that converts waste into methane for cooking,a garden and water conservation techniques… you could eliminate and cut a lot of your bills for good. What will you do with all the ca$h… Also, if, you already own or need or just want more space why not consider this instead of a messy costly renovation.

    http://www.littlehouseinthevalley.com/little-house-plans

    If, you know you are not the one to build it yourself, I understand building is not for everyone, but an awesome skill if you can do it. Here is a company that will do it for at reasonable rates at least you can get an ideas for plans if, the houses see just aren’t to your liking.

    http://newavenuehomes.com/?gclid=CMi9l8q_q8ACFQqCfgodvyEAxQ

      • Hey OLS,

        I just wanted you to know that prefabricated homes are safe and maybe in some cases more so than the traditional home

        .http://www.topsiderhomes.com/seismic-and-earthquake-resistant-homes.php

        So Glad you are safe and hey we live in the bay area small world. LOL… I’m not of just looking to do one, but two homes as I am in the process of buying land with a relative out of the country and will want a house there too. I’m also in school so this is a bit of a process, but I’m managing to make it work.

        It is all how you tweak it you have to decide what you need and what is most efficient. for example if, you are close to a power-line and hookup with solar panels you can get money if, you contribute to the grid. If, you live far from and choose not to hookup electric solar panels keep you from depending on and having a bill for your power. As with the PG and E disaster and rising cost I want to have my own generating sources for as much as possible. I’m even thinking about water towers just in case.

        • Wow very small world. I’m glad you’re safe. I had no idea those homes were just as safe as traditional homes. Thanks for the link. I’m also in school hoping to buy land in the next two years. I’m curious as to what your plans are. if you don’t mind sharing. At the moment I’ve opened a savings account and am funneling money each time I get paid. (every two weeks). I was thinking of buying land ( hopefully out of state) then I can build the house there.

        • Well after I finish with school. I plan on saving enough money to buy land her and out of the country. I plan on putting down a house that will be efficient as in solar panel, if I decide to be on the grid it will generate money for me if, not I’ll always have power and no bill and a lot of states give rebates for this. I am currently researching toilets that turn urine into nitrogen rich fertilizer and the other stuff into methane gas to heat the stove, along with making fertilizer. i plan on learning to hunt and butcher my own meat along with raising chicken, ducks, rabbits, and goats. I’ve already learned some skills and if, you do thins right you have skills, things to trade, along with animals that keep you fed as in meat,eggs, fur, milk for drink and cheese making. I plan on making my land work for me and a lot of this can even be done in an urban setting. Yes it is work, but work you dictate that pays you and you are the boss. Using animal fertilizer cuts down on the amount of land you need in order to grow your food too. I’ll have to save, but once I start with my small house I’ll be better off than most as the bank won’t be ever threatening me due to a loan and if, I decide not to work I can still pull in money and support myself and loved ones if, I choose. Living like this with like minded people will make it so that I can travel and explore all that interest me with ease. This is just the tip of the iceberg so to speak. I plan on doing some homesteading and eventually stop paying for housing, utilities, food, and most supplies as all can be made or traded for. For example, when I got free shooting lessons from my uncle’s in exchange for a casserole of lasagna, and some beef stew that I was making anyway. 12 lessons in trade.

  27. Hello, I’ve been a longtime lurker and your post have helped me see things in a way that I never would have had I not found you. I also found Khadija’s websites through yours so I wanted to say thank you.
    I don’t know if you’ve heard about this yet but this is an example of what happens when black women cape for someone who clearly doesn’t care about them:
    http://gendertrender.wordpress.com/2014/08/22/laverne-cox-launches-media-campaign-in-support-of-transwoman-synthia-china-blast-convicted-for-the-rape-murder-and-abuse-of-the-corpse-of-thirteen-year-old-ebony-nicole-williams/
    Laverne Cox made video asking for support of a man who raped, murdered and set fire to a 13 year old black girl. This man was also part of a race based gang (who attacked blacks) at the time. Laverne would rather support that monster than the black women (and girls) he claims to be.

    • WOW.

      This is absolutely disgusting. I had not heard of this, because I don’t follow mainstream media very much. I only heard of OITNB because a BWE blogger wrote a post about it.

      Frankly, I’m tired of there being so many apologists for criminals–particularly, rapists and murderers. And, just because this person has gender identity issues does not mean that we automatically should sympathize with them–JUST like we shouldn’t sympathize with a person simply because they are black.

      Furthermore, I really hope they don’t start requiring prisons to house transgendered males with the female population. Those people were born male, and they have the hormones and biological design for males. I would hate for females to have to start defending themselves against people who were biologically designed to be stronger.

      • —Furthermore, I really hope they don’t start requiring prisons to house transgendered males with the female population.—

        This is already an issue. I wanted to get the links for you, but couldn’t. Not just prisons, but also changing rooms and bathrooms and other “private” spaces for women. You can google it, I believe gendertrender.wordpress.com has a lot of info on it.

        • I think I saw, some months ago, an article about a trans little boy getting/requesting rights to use the girls’ bathroom/locker room. I am not surprised. We are living in a society that no longer wants to honor distinctions. Even a trans-female is not the same as an XX-female. This is one juncture at which BW and ALL women are going to have to decide what they believe their rights are and whether they are in jeopardy.

      • @Formavitae

        Your last paragraph speaks to my fears. I wonder if trans men FTM press uponmen to be treated the same way. Are trans men housed with male inmates? I doubt it.

        @firefly88

        You sister are what I hope to become.

        • “Are trans men housed with male inmates? I doubt it.”

          I doubt it also.

          I’m sure the trans men would endure a lot of abuse from XY men.

          I think they should provide accommodations for people who are trans or trying to sort out gender identity issues. Merely having surgery and/or taking hormones/getting therapy does not make trans and non-trans individuals have the same experiences or perceptions.

        • @formative

          I agree on the separation of trans gendered people in prison.

          About perceptions and experiences I’ve noticed trans women complaining about some “cis” gendered women being catty, back bitters, super competitive unable to work together etc…

          They are totally thrown about the ultra competitive nature of some women.
          I’m like welcome to the world of being a woman.

  28. Thank you for the warm welcome. I’m looking into being more self self-sufficient by learning to sew, grow my own food, and raise rabbits for meat. Rabbit’s manure makes some of the best fertilizer for growing food:
    http://www.hobbyfarms.com/farm-pets/pet-rabbit-information/using-rabbit-manure.aspx
    You can use rabbits for a meat source, fertilizer, and leather/fur accessories. I’m taking a leather course in my sewing classes to so I can make rabbit fur lined gloves.

  29. I hope everyone that was affected by the earthquake is okay!

    Wolfe,

    Thanks for the information regarding Laverne Cox. I am really speechless and baffled. The whole situation is a moral AND publicity fail. Even if you don’t care about BW, she/the organization could have at least said no to this opportunity based on the fact that supporting a murder/child rapist is not a good look! I’m sure her people could have found a transgender/transsexual woman who was in jail for petty theft, drug possession, or some other non-violent crime. This is a prime example of how many transgender/transsexual women do not identify with or respect women, period. You can really sense the disregard and dislike. For some of these transgender/transsexual women, our existence is an affront to them because we are the real deal. We don’t have to take hormones, undergo surgery, or perform elaborate beauty routines to look feminine or become women. We were simply born this way, and I don’t understand what is wrong about simply stating this fact. You can do whatever you please with your body, and I will be respectful and address you with whatever pronouns, names, and terminology that you feel are appropriate. However, I refuse to believe that you are as much of a woman as me. I don’t care how pretty, beat, or fierce you are because you had to spend thousands of dollars for your look and will have to take hormones for the rest of your life.

    Laverne Cox has responded to the outrage with a tumblr post saying that she wasn’t aware of the charges against the murder/rapist and that she doesn’t support the abuse, rape, or murder of young girls. I’m not buying her lukewarm response/excuse. It sounds like a cop out and is almost too embarrassing to be true. You call yourself an activist, but choose not to inform yourself about the issues to which you lend your voice. She basically just told everyone that she has no credibility and is nothing more than a puppet for a movement that she doesn’t understand. A simple google search could have told her everything that she needed to know, or at least her team!

    I’m going to say that she most definitely knew about the charges against Synthia-China Blast/Luis Morales. She just never expected the online backlash that she would receive because no one cares about black women or girls, right? It seems like everyday someone volunteers to show how much they hate black women and girls.

    • —This is a prime example of how many transgender/transsexual women do not identify with or respect women, period. You can really sense the disregard and dislike. … She just never expected the online backlash that she would receive because no one cares about black women or girls, right? It seems like everyday someone volunteers to show how much they hate black women and girls.—

      I completely agree.

      Ugh.

      I don’t know what is going to happen to the image of BW as other BW will gladly support trans women to the point of being “surprised” when soon the “face” of black women is no longer biological women, but trans women portraying a caricature of black womanhood.

      • Gina:

        You said, “…soon the “face” of black women is no longer biological women, but trans women portraying a caricature of black womanhood.”

        It’s already happening. I believe Laverne Cox was on the cover of Essence along with other black actresses next to the title, “All Eyes on Us: Alfre, Nicole, Danai, and Laverne Dish on Why TV is the New Black.” Don’t get me started about how she was the only decent looking black “woman” on the Orange is the New Black advertisement. Transgenders/transsexuals love to say that are more woman than real women because they have spent thousands to look like a caricature of womanhood–fake breasts, plastic surgery, heavy makeup, tight dresses, high heels, etc.

        • I’ll be honest, if I was one of those other actresses, I would have refused to appear on the same cover as Laverne, as not only is it an insult to BW generally, but it would be an insult to me specifically if we were both appearing together on the same cover as ‘women’. The fact is, that Alfre, Nicole and Danai have demeaned their own femininity (or had it demeaned by Messence), and probably don’t even realise it!

          Notice that men and transmen are never put together as if they are both men. No one is even trying to pretend they are. Transwomen always aim to either be there on their own, or with other women, but never with other transwomen (unless in gay-targeted or trans-specific publications/media), as they seek to benefit from the femininity of real women, knowing that in the process, the real women are perceived to have lost part of their own femininity. They don’t get that benefit if surrounded by other transwomen, as there is no femininity to ‘take’, so to speak. All. Other. Women. Know. This. Look at the attention that is given to Black male drag acts, or any BM dressing up as a woman. It is not just a recent thing. For all the attention that say, an Alexis Arquette got, he was never portrayed as a WW. For some reason, it is only when it is BM that do it, that it is suitable to refer to them as BW, as if we are interchangeable and our femininity is non-existent.

        • For the record, I know there is a difference between drag queens and transwomen, I just mentioned it as an example.

        • When I read this comment about the Essence cover, something immediately came to mind (I already knew where this was going), however, I am unfamiliar with Danai and had to google the cover to confirm.

          Confirmed.

          Let me tell you what you WON’T see: Laverne Cox, Halle Berry, Zendaya/Zoe/Rosario, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Maya Rudolph on a cover together.

          —Don’t get me started about how she was the only decent looking black “woman” on the Orange is the New Black advertisement.—

          She was the only “feminine” black woman on the show, as far as how her character’s personality was written. The others were written with very masculine/aggressive traits, storylines and personalities. I binge watched both seasons this summer.

          Having said that… I don’t BLAME the writers and I don’t think they were being racist. I think they were portraying something that black women are all too comfortable projecting and protecting.

          I know people got MAD at the showrunners for those posters, but why?

          — Sidenote:
          Uzo Aduba (Crazy Eyes), Laverne and Taylor Schilling (the main character) were presenting at the MTV VMA’s this weekend, it was painful to watch. Uzo did a bit that was “in character”, Laverne there (really looking and sounding like a man in drag) and Taylor was the only one really embodying femininity on the stage (in BOTH appearance and behavior. Uzo looked good but… the character bit was too much).

        • Gina, that didn’t even cross my mind till you mentioned. Looking a the cover, I understand exactly what you meant, with the actresses you mentioned. I wasn’t aware which ‘Nicole’ was on the cover till I actually searched for it. I don’t blame those other women though, they have the common-sense to protect their own femininity. I really don’t think these actresses on the cover with Laverne are truly aware of the effect it will have.

        • @JaliliMaster

          THIS. ALL. DAY.

          I can’t believe those women would agree to have L.C. represented among them, as though they were all THE SAME. BW have lost their minds, when it comes to notions of promoting “equality” and being “nonjudgmental”. It’s as though BW have ceased to recognize that their choices and images have implications for them and other BW into the future. BW have seemed to accept the notion that they are “replaceable” and can be substituted with that which is not them. AAs have just lost all ethnic and gender/sex-based COMMON SENSE.

          SIGH…..

          This is all too fatiguing for me. For the record, I won’t be watching any films with L. Cox or any other BW substitutes.

        • @ Gina

          “Let me tell you what you WON’T see: Laverne Cox, Halle Berry, Zendaya/Zoe/Rosario, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Maya Rudolph on a cover together.”

          EXACTLY.

        • Ladies,

          I wasn’t aware of this Messence cover with that man Laverne Cox on it (posed in a group with various NON-mixed, NON-“exotical” Black actresses as if they’re all the same—as if they’re all alike as women, including that m-a-n) until I read your comments about it.

          I co-sign Gina’s observation that: “Let me tell you what you WON’T see: Laverne Cox, Halle Berry, Zendaya/Zoe/Rosario, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Maya Rudolph on a cover together.”

          I also co-sign Formavitae’s observation that: “I can’t believe those women would agree to have L.C. represented among them, as though they were all THE SAME. BW have lost their minds, when it comes to notions of promoting “equality” and being “nonjudgmental”. It’s as though BW have ceased to recognize that their choices and images have implications for them and other BW into the future. BW have seemed to accept the notion that they are “replaceable” and can be substituted with that which is not them. AAs have just lost all ethnic and gender/sex-based COMMON SENSE.”

          Like Formavitae, I also find it exhausting to see so many BW hurl themselves under the tires of any all buses that roll past, including that “trans-gender” mess. I’ve come to accept that the masses of AABW won’t thrive or even survive, and will consequently Die In The Wilderness their mammy-mule choices have created for them. God respects free will, and so do I.

          I’m just thankful for the BW’s and Black girls’ lives that have been enhanced (and in some cases, saved) by BWE’s success.

        • @ Khadija

          “I’m just thankful for the BW’s and Black girls’ lives that have been enhanced (and in some cases, saved) by BWE’s success.”

          I TOO am thankful for the existence and SUCCESS of the BWE movement.

          I accidentally stumbled across a post, some years ago. ACTUALLY, I think I read a comment on a website, and someone had referenced “Black Girls Rock”. So, I googled that, and I think that was my introduction. I learned about you, Evia, Faith, Halima, and others through the links at your various sites. It was so REFRESHING TO ME to read other BW who shared many of my thoughts and perceptions of the state of the AA “community” and AA women’s needs.

          THANK YOU and all of the other caring women who work and provide the MUCH NEEDED instruction, wisdom, and guidance AA women and girls need to navigate these perilous and unsupported times.

    • “Laverne Cox has responded to the outrage with a tumblr post saying that she wasn’t aware of the charges against the murder/rapist and that she doesn’t support the abuse, rape, or murder of young girls. I’m not buying her lukewarm response/excuse. It sounds like a cop out and is almost too embarrassing to be true. You call yourself an activist, but choose not to inform yourself about the issues to which you lend your voice. She basically just told everyone that she has no credibility and is nothing more than a puppet for a movement that she doesn’t understand. A simple google search could have told her everything that she needed to know, or at least her team!

      I’m going to say that she most definitely knew about the charges against Synthia-China Blast/Luis Morales. She just never expected the online backlash that she would receive because no one cares about black women or girls, right? It seems like everyday someone volunteers to show how much they hate black women and girls.”

      I do not for even one second buy his excuse, when a simple google search would have brought all this up. And with all the details Mr. Cox knew of this murderer/rapist, he must have done quite a bit of research into this monster before offering his support. The thing about many transwomen is that because they are not women, all they can do is mimic the way women behave, walk, talk, dress etc, but they just don’t think or react the way most (or the average) woman would. It is like when Janet Mock made the comment about being raped as a teen made her feel validated. She saw this as an affirmation of her womanhood or femininity, that a man would do that. Whereas, any sane biological woman would have had the opposite reaction, but transwomen just don’t know that, because fundamentally, they are not women, and never will be, so no matter what, it is impossible for them to really be the way actual, genetic women are. The fact is, there is a fountain of womanhood within each of us that we can never get rid of, just as men, till the day they die, have a certain aspect of manhood/maleness, that will always be there (hence the reason transpeople, for the rest of their life, have to take these hormones. It is suppressing their inherent maleness, in transwomen, and femaleness in transmen, but they will never get rid of it, and they will never acquire that fountain of womanhood we have).

      That is one of the main sources of their resentment, as they know that as much as they might want it, they will never be ale to replace women, as men will not allow it. It is only foolish BW who are willingly giving up their space to people who are fundamentally not them. If BM as a collective, saw BW as the women they wanted to build their future with, they too would never allow this heinous attempt at replacing them with transwomen. However, most BM don’t care, as it makes no difference to them. It is not the women they see/desire as their ‘queen’ that is being replaced. It is not just an issue of BW not being protected. The dominant men in other groups want women, not males playing at being a caricature of women, so they would ensure that this cannot happen to the women of their group (or at least to the women they plan on building things with). It is telling that most of the males one sees supporting this transgender agenda are beta males, who intersect with the “mens’ rights” folks, who also intersect, quite heavily, with the PUA community. Fundamentally, at the heart of it, is a hatred/resentment of women. Some because they have little access to women, so are bitter about it, and some, because they want to be women, so are bitter about it.

      Right now, the only (or best) solution I can see is, as Khadija said on her blog some years ago, to partner with the dominant men of any group, who will offer that protection to you.

      • “It is like when Janet Mock made the comment about being raped as a teen made her feel validated. She saw this as an affirmation of her womanhood or femininity, that a man would do that. Whereas, any sane biological woman would have had the opposite reaction,”

        WOW.

        ” but transwomen just don’t know that, because fundamentally, they are not women, and never will be, so no matter what, it is impossible for them to really be the way actual, genetic women are.”

        YES.

        And, that is why I cannot get on board with a lot of these “movements”, because I realize they don’t just want me to acknowledge their right to live freely, without abuse from others. They want me to acknowledge that they are THE SAME as me. And, I WILL NOT. I believe they have the right to live in peace, as law abiding citizens–just like anyone else. They have the right to work and pursue goals, like everyone else. They have a right to medical care and dignity, as individuals. But, that’s the extent of my support.

    • He knew of the case, he just didn’t care and I’m not shocked that many of his black womanist, feminists and digital activists sympathizers have yet to call him out on this. Oops, they want, because many of them aren’t anything but walking contradictions and hypocrites who really don’t give a damn about the lives of black children anyway.

      Once again power and the visibility of a black woman’s image is given to a man, but this time it’s a misogynist in a dress. BTW, the dude is on the October cover of ESSENCE magazine, SMH.

      • PREACH!

        ” I’m not shocked that many of his black womanist, feminists and digital activists sympathizers have yet to call him out on this. Oops, they want, because many of them aren’t anything but walking contradictions and hypocrites who really don’t give a damn about the lives of black children anyway.”

        Yes, all of this! The only blacks that matter to those black women are men and men in dresses. They don’t give one blink to black women or black girls. I’m not seeing black women nearly as outraged over Ebony Nicole Williams as this overly drawn out Brown/Ferguson case…Indeed, you can tell a tree by the fruit it bears, and most of these “Black Female Power” trees only seem to bear fruit for black men…Amazing.

  30. —-The thing about many transwomen is that because they are not women, all they can do is mimic the way women behave, walk, talk, dress etc, but they just don’t think or react the way most (or the average) woman would. It is like when—-

    I’ve often thought about that as a few black transwomen became very “mainstream” over the past year. How it must be very different to “present” as a woman without all the emotional baggage of growing up female. And yes, there is emotional baggage, especially as a black woman. Too dark (because the BC praises dark skin in men and shuns it in women), too skinny, too curvy, too “fast”, too “prude”, hair too nappy, too short… and to be able to craft an image of a black woman, that a biological black woman would be shunned for crafting (tons of plastic surgery, weaves/wigs).

    But most dangerously, to intentionally uphold and participate in a beauty standard that still sidelines black beauty because it specifically benefits them. To continue to perpetuate the subjugation of black women (while trying to look like one) because it benefits them.

    I once got into it with someone who claimed transwomen were women and shouldn’t be othered. But the “trans” is very necessary because transwomen LOOK like women, but they don’t have the same biology nor biological issues (ovarian/breast cancers, reproductive issues/rights, female specific conditions, etc.). Remember the “pregnant man”. See how quickly that was shut down. If the pregnant man were black, she would probably be the new face of black motherhood.

    And recently over the summer, there was a lot of “social media mocking” of the women who create makeup tutorials on YouTube (some are … questionable, but some have valid skin issues, nevermind you can find MORE videos of non-black women doing this) passed around along with trans and drag-esque memes. Mainly from black men and other black women looking to be “better than” the makeup girls.

    —It is telling that most of the males one sees supporting this transgender agenda are beta males, who intersect with the “mens’ rights” folks, who also intersect, quite heavily, with the PUA community. Fundamentally, at the heart of it, is a hatred/resentment of women.—

    Part of it is hatred of women, but part of it is also that transwomen HAVE to play into femininity as defined by the male gaze, because otherwise, they wouldn’t come close to “passing” as women. These men (and I know far more about them than I care to) are partially bitter that bio women don’t play it up FOR THEM and that the women they have the most access to are not the “dolled up” gals. Trans women play right into this and affirm exactly what they believe women should look like.

    • Even many in the trans community criticise/don’t like Laverne Cox, because he isn’t able to ‘pass’ as a woman. Even Stevie Wonder would know that was a man before he even opened his mouth to speak, and erase any doubt. That is why I find it doubly annoying how so many BW are all too willing to discard their own femininity, when even those in the trans community, know the value of (a woman) having and projecting a feminine image. Despite all the success Mr. Cox has gotten, including the positive press coverage, many transwomen don’t like the attention paid to him, as they only want the very feminine transwomen who can actually pass as women to be their ‘representatives’ in the media.

      • —Despite all the success Mr. Cox has gotten, including the positive press coverage, many transwomen don’t like the attention paid to him, as they only want the very feminine transwomen who can actually pass as women to be their ‘representatives’ in the media.—

        Well it makes perfect sense, from a “self-interest” perspective. They want to succeed as a collective and succeeding as a collective means putting your best foot forward. Which is crazy because BW will gladly accept Laverne as a representative, even if it means their own erasure.

        • It is sad that on one hand, transwomen think Laverne is not feminine enough to ‘pass for a woman and represent them, yet many BW think Laverne is feminine enough to be a representation of them. So these women require even less femininity in their image than transwomen do. Lord have mercy!

        • Based on the links Khadija and Fabfro provided, my mind has been blown away. These transgender males are taking me back to Soc 101 class Media in Society university course. I could write a dissertation but I’m one for parsimony and as such will cut and paste from wikipedia

          Simulacra and Simulation” breaks the sign-order into 4 stages:

          1.The first stage is a faithful image/copy, where we believe, and it may even be correct, that a sign is a “reflection of a profound reality” (pg 6), this is a good appearance, in what Baudrillard called “the sacramental order”.

          2.The second stage is perversion of reality, this is where we come to believe the sign to be an unfaithful copy, which “masks and denatures” reality as an “evil appearance—it is of the order of maleficence”. Here, signs and images do not faithfully reveal reality to us, but can hint at the existence of an obscure reality which the sign itself is incapable of encapsulating.

          3.The third stage masks the absence of a profound reality, where the simulacrum pretends to be a faithful copy, but it is a copy with no original. Signs and images claim to represent something real, but no representation is taking place and arbitrary images are merely suggested as things which they have no relationship to. Baudrillard calls this the “order of sorcery”, a regime of semantic algebra where all human meaning is conjured artificially to appear as a reference to the (increasingly) hermetic truth.

          4.The fourth stage is pure simulation, in which the simulacrum has no relationship to any reality whatsoever. Here, signs merely reflect other signs and any claim to reality on the part of images or signs is only of the order of other such claims. This is a regime of total equivalency, where cultural products need no longer even pretend to be real in a naïve sense, because the experiences of consumers’ lives are so predominantly artificial that even claims to reality are expected to be phrased in artificial, “hyperreal” terms. Any naïve pretension to reality as such is perceived as bereft of critical self-awareness, and thus as oversentimental.

          Any of this strike a cord? Redefining Realness: (side eyeing you ms.mock.)

          Reading between the lines the above explains the battle waged those who wish they could be the real thing (while keeping their male privilege)and their attempts to actually erase/replace US. Riddle me this, if they feel like they should have been women why are they always the over exaggerated version of femininity. They pick up on the “cattiness” of women but never the caring and helpful spirit as shown in reality and on all these blogs (Halima’s; Evia’s; Khadija’s: OLS et al). Because they think we are just beyotches and that’s what they want -to be high maintenance male privileged harpies. You can put lipstick on a pig but yet it is still Chauvinistic Pig. And they are still telling the world — you have nothing to worry about from us as BM.
          Again men rather fight to be able to female identify, dress as women; be surgically altered to appears as women from the waist up; commit heinous crimes against women but be demanded to be locked up with women than actually fight for the projection and ensure respect for REAL,BLACK.WOMEN and CHILDREN. Gurl Bye. Get your life.

    • Laverne Cox has successfully challenged the media to refer to him as an actress, a woman, her/she when he is in fact a man. I do not believe a white man could successfully campaign to be referred to as a white woman. So he is to be on the cover of Messence as one of four black actresses – SMH I sometimes think I have entered Bizarro World when I read the news or watch television these days. Common sense is going the way of the dodo bird. Stay neutral indeed.

  31. The best way for a black woman to become fully self-sufficient is to stop wasting her dollars by supporting those who do not support them and buying only what they need. A real agenda requires a little discomfort in order to fully succeed.

    Land acquisition is next, in order to grow food to sustain you. Keep non-perishable emergency supplies and water on hand. Learn to use a weapon for protection. Google survivalist websites for info, because I follow many of them being that I learned a lot of this stuff from my husband and while I was in the military.

  32. Thank you so much to those that have listed these great resources for being more self-sufficient!! Going along the theme of “Get Your Life”, we are seeing more evidence of what writers like Khadija posted about YEARS ago about the instability of the US economy the value of the ‘almighty dollar’. I don’t think its a coincidence that this news is manly coming from non-American media sources and ours have been hush hush with the exception of a few American bloggers:

    Russia, China agree on more trade currency swaps to bypass dollar: http://rt.com/business/179032-currency-swap-russia-china/

    My ‘Get Your Life’ strategy is quickly becoming more global rather than domestic because I do indeed foresee a time where (I hope I’m wrong) it won’t make any sense to continue living in the US.
    I’m glad there was some mention above about keeping your options ABROAD open. There may come a time where it will be in the best interest for some of us to use our passports, overseas connections, and global job skills and depart. I am no longer delusional and naive (thanks to Khadija and my own parents wake up call years ago) that I can go through the motions with my education and relationships and it not negatively affect me.
    It is even more imperative for bw who have been dragging their feet on expanding their social and professional circle to act NOW, especially if these friends and colleagues are living in other countries with just as much stability, if not more, than this country. I know some may call me paranoid, but I’d rather have peace of mind knowing that there are family and friends abroad that can fight on my behalf in case their comes a time where I need to call another country home.

    I know travel has been encouraged a lot more for bw to do in recent years, so I encourage those vacationing abroad to really make an effort to squeeze in certain events that will give them an opportunity to be exposed to like-minded individuals. We encourage bw to attend wine tastings, take sailing lessons, volunteer or attend charity events, attend festivals, and embassy events in their hometowns…you can also attend these same events when you travel to London, Berlin, Paris, Sydney, etc, where a bw can still utilize her bubbly personality, intelligence, and feminine card……

    • Good advice. AAs, in general, need to see THE WORLD more. I really do believe AA women need that experience, to help them realize there is more to life and there are more opportunities than those presented in the defunct AA “community”.

      • Some airlines have fantastic offers with low prices for trips to countries in South East Asia. A number of countries e.g. Thailand offer affordable rates on hotels. Alternatively stay at a hostel where room rates are cheaper and you are more likely to meet and mix with other travellers and this affords you the opportunity to make friends or get advice on places to visit and prices. The street food in countries such as Thailand, Indonesia and Vietnam is delicious and cheap! There are various places to visit whether it is markets (I recommend this!), beaches, museums etc.
        There is a wonderful world out there. Go explore!

        • @ Chongo

          Thank you, for your recommendations and advice.

          My best friend is half-Thai and half-Indian. We’ve discussed visiting Thailand together, before. And, I’ve always had a desire to travel the world. I’ve been working hard but looking forward to begin taking annual, international vacations in the next 2-3 years. This information will be beneficial.

          Just in case you hadn’t heard, there is a site “Black Girls Travel”. The owner arranges trips for groups of AA women to take together. I know they’ve taken several trips to countries in Europe.

          Enjoy your adventures!

    • Also, if you are abroad, you might be able to attend some events in the American embassy where you are. Similarly, you can attend in other ones in America if you have a friend that is from that country and is attending themselves. You don’t only have to be a plus one for a male.

      Take up a hobby that you’ve never tried before. Even if you don’t enjoy it the first time round, at least you had a new experience and might even meet new people. Also, in my experience, the guys are always very eager to help you out/show you the ropes, when you are a newbie.

      For those who cannot easily afford museum tickets regularly, they usually hold some free or charity events. It is worth checking them out. Also, if you volunteer at some events, you might be able to gain free or subsidised entry. It is really all about knowing when and where to look. Many galleries routinely do free showings of certain artists. Even if you are not into art, or especially if you aren’t, you might as well pop in for the free wine and have the odd chuckle at the really pretentious interpretations of the paintings. I guarantee you, there will always be someone there who also only just came for a free glass of wine, and there would be those who are genuinely interested in art, who would happily strike up a conversation with someone who doesn’t pretend to like every single painting.

  33. One Less Soldier: thank you for this frank and truthful post.

    I followed events briefly regarding the Mike Brown shooting. I heard various talking heads and news outlets for the first two days. Day three, I stopped listening and only got updates via social media.

    I commiserate with Mike Brown’s parents but I cannot ignore the fact that very few people were willing to face down tanks, inhale tear gas or march for black girls and black women who have been brutalized or murdered by the police. Black boys and black men > black girls and black women. That is the message that the general media and the black community perpetuate. Not true and no thanks.

    Via social media I saw black women and little black girls on the front lines. I saw mothers and their children and I thought – what the heck!? Has common sense taken a sabbatical?
    My mother advised me to avoid protests and marches. “You have the right to live but no one in the police or military cares about your unalienable rights during a show down.” I wish black women would keep their babies and children away from Ferguson and focus on improving their economics and lives as black women which would lead to improved lives for their children.

    Are black women angry, frustrated and fed up? Good. Redirect that energy to improving your life. Khadija’s blog (two blogs actually) has awesome articles that black women can use to improve their lives. Evia has founded a phenomenal network, Bougie Black Girl gives great advice and tips for black women as does Halima. Neecy is embarking on a wonderful journey. There are vast resources. Bloggers, the internet, libraries – all available for the black woman.

    We should do something that doesn’t involve grunt work, being bloodied and battered physically. Use stealth mode, strategize and thrive.

  34. OLS…I can’t remember the post that this reference was in, but you were speaking about a Latina who did a Bon Qui Qui character in her standup or something like that.
    Well anyway I was on another site and it seems that her mocking of BW has paid off.
    A cosmetics company has her doing this character in one of their commercials to market their products.
    While the blogmistress and most of the BW on site were against it, wayyyy to many were giving the woman of color pass.
    It was so sickening. They are so complacent being ridiculed, that they really couldn’t understand what the big deal was.
    Sigh….

  35. It is good to sit out these protest and not jump in. Case in point a blog I often read that is very pro black did a piece on black women being victims of police brutality and other crimes too. I noticed that while the blog master is a black man who often post a lot of pro-black man and women stuff that all of the comments coming in were from women except the ones he posted. This was being slapped by reality. If ever I thought that black men in general gave a crap about black women there was my answer staring me in the face. very few care the blog master is a purple unicorn.

    So, while people are glued to their t.v. sets worrying about this mess I’m making plans doing research and finding ways to make my dreams come true. I stay with positive productive blogs and really only want that kind of vibe near me. Also, I’ve become more selective about who I tell what to as people tend to make judgements about your life and what you should be doing and how long ir should take you. OLS, perhaps something on this is in order how to keep in stealth mode and the advantages of limiting what people know about what you are doing.

    • What a Man What a Man…
      Here’s the thing…when mean Black men actually show up and protect Black women they are no longer hiding behind our skirt tales. By protecting the honor of BW, they are actually daring to stand as men—toe to toe/mano y mano with others males. Apparently, in spite of all their bravado, BM must find this to be a very daunting task. To actually stand as men—soldiers, if you will, ready to throw down the gauntlet for the weakest of their race–women and children–sends a message to the world that they are to be taken seriously.

      That could have been my Son….
      But instead of protecting women and children, they lead the way in literally and figuratively throwing BW under the bus. Yet BM wonder why the world doesn’t respect them in spite of their great musical and athletic/sexual(?) abilities. BM’s failure to respect and protect women and/or children tells the world that BM are no real treat. They fail to see the connection between protecting women/children and actually being called and respected as Men.
      They want the Title for the Greatest males to live but can’t/won’t/don’t get in the ring to do battle for BW’s honor. So much for the BM is god.

      Here’s another thing, Black women foolishly/naively believe that if they get in the ring ALONG WITH THEIR CHILDREN and spar with heavy weights, that BM will stop sitting on the sidelines and tap in. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Bloody, bruised and battered is all you have for your efforts along with contempt from those you profess to love. BW fight and die trying to protect the Honor of BM. Twisted.

      But what about your DAUGHTERS?
      Unlike BW, notice how BM NEVER say wait that young girl or Black female could’ve been my daughter, my niece; my wife; my grandmother and I should do something? They seem to utter zip zilch nada. Not a peep not an action, no correction–some have the audacity to say any horrors visited upon a BW’s person are deserved because of something she must have done. We all know she had it coming. She guilty of something. (never innocent)

      You know the tree by the Fruit of Is.lam it bears
      To respect and protect BW would mean that BM would have to stop being coddled and suckled. They would be held to standards and accountable for their actions. They would have to exercise personhood. They would have to come up with a game plan and actually execute it. They will have to figure out how to exist without the Da Man’s resources he might pull once BM decide to stop being children and take the role as Adult males in charge of their own destinies even if it means being uncomfortable and doing the heavy lifting and back breaking tolling. Protecting women and children means that they matter and by extension the males protecting them matters TOO. Here’s the last thing, BM don’t really believe they matter and ostensibly neither do BW and Children. See the connection? .
      Stay. Neutral. By. Stopping. Your. Codependency.

  36. I’m Awake

    What you said is like the alarm clock going off, the hot coffee a brew and a cold shower happening all at once. It is time to wake up and get it moving.Knowing the deal is so important so, you can see what’s in front you clearly and move around it without feeling like you’re missing something or have your emotions get all twisted.See other know us better than we know ourselves and will do most anything to keep us benefiting them at our expense. No they will not come to our aid not even when black women wake up no. I think that black women will have to get with those that care about us individually and rebuild our own collectives that benefit us first and our offspring and collectives respectfully.

  37. Here is another site I would like to recommend. It’s call root simple .com, everything you need to know about preparing an urban garden.

  38. I wanted to leave this link here in the hopes that this lovely but misguided woman can receive some of the effort she put out.

    Ameeena was on the front lines in Chicago trying to stop Black on Black crime. Now she is suffering from cancer and has created a gofundme page to assist with her medical bills.

    But in typical fashion, the Negroes she risked her life for cannot be bothered. If folks feel compelled to donate, please do!

    http://www.gofundme.com/Protector?forcedesktop=1

  39. Soul Alive,

    Yes, I saw the BW Think Tank post about that whole pathetic spectacle. IIRC, she mentioned a WM’s Kickstarter fundraiser that had raised over $50,000 in support of his potato salad recipes. 😦 at the contrast. But, as that Think Tank writer said, THAT’S what BW’s one-sided loyalty looks like.

    Since you mentioned it, let me mention a couple of observations from the Chicago area. [I’m from Chicago, but I moved to the suburbs after the influx of Section 8 welfare queens and their violent bastard-baby spawn turned my Black middle-class childhood neighborhood—and most other historical Black middle-class childhood neighborhoods in Chicago—into a violent slum.]

    (1) Aside from what have become pro-forma expressions of dismay by individual AAs in response to the local media’s daily and post-weekend tally of shootings, nobody’s talking about the constant self-inflicted deaths in Chicago’s Blackistans. Including the masses of AAs. Nobody cares. Normal life goes on in the outer world outside Blackistan. I go to an AA hair salon in the city. There’s on AABM barber who has a chair there, among the AABW stylists. Neither he nor his AABM customers (including a BM pastor) ever talk about the non-stop killings. Or about anything else concerning the [already dead] “Black community.” These men talk about football and other professional sports they watch on TV. When “Black community” issues come up, it’s always the BW in the salon talking (and worrying) about that mess. While the men keep talking about football . . .

    (2) Local AAs aren’t paying any real attention to anything that Rev. Jesse Baby Daddy Jackson or Rev. Hot Comb/FBI Confidential Informant #7 Sharpton are saying.
    http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/Al-Sharpton-918273

    Out of nosiness, I still listen to the local AA-owned Black talk radio station (WVON) here. During recent years, Rev. Hot Comb/FBI Confidential Informant #7 Sharpton has started encroaching on Rev. Baby Daddy’s “turf” by hosting what he calls town hall meetings in Chicago’s Blackistans purportedly to address local Blackistan issues. FBI Confidential Informant #7 Sharpton has increased the number of invasions into Rev. Baby Daddy’s turf after Rev. Baby Daddy’s ex-Congressman son was imprisoned. I will also note that Rev. Baby Daddy became VERY quiet locally after his politician son was arrested.

    From the reports given on the local Black talk radio station about these town hall meetings, it sounds as if these meetings are not very well attended (relative to Chicago’s AA population—or even relative to the percentage of Chicago’s AA population that is affected by Blackistan issues).

    My impression is that local AA slaves don’t care about anything except entertainment. Even the disruption of the free baby-sitting service that local AA slaves receive from the Chicago Public Schools didn’t rouse them out of their stupor:

    “Nine out of 10 of the Chicago Public School students potentially impacted by proposed school closings this year have a predominately Black student body, according to an analysis by the Chicago Sun-Times.

    “Of those 129 schools located mostly on the South and West sides, 117 are majority Black,” reported the Sun-Times. One hundred and nineteen “have a percentage of Black students higher than the district average. [Of] the 129 schools….88 percent of the students are black.”

    Chicago’s majority or all-Black residential areas are concentrated on the city’s South and West Sides.

    The proposed closings are a sharp contrast to citywide data, where only 41.7 percent of CPS students are Black.”
    http://www.ebony.com/news-views/enough-black-students-overwhelmingly-affected-by-chicago-public-schools-proposed#axzz3CYupXvch

    I don’t recall hearing many comments or conversations about this at the hair salon. [Not everybody who goes there is middle-class with their children safely tucked away in a private or magnet school. Some of the patrons are mothers of children who attend “regular” neighborhood schools in Blackistan.]

    (3) The hosts and the guests on the local Black-talk radio station typically repeat the same empty excuses and recommendations that I heard similar folks say on that station 30+ years ago when I first became aware of the station. {chuckling} http://wvon.com/

    Slaves call in to vent. Some of the same “professional talk show caller” slaves I remember from 30+ years ago—they must be elderly by now because they were adults when I first heard them constantly call into that station 30+ years ago when I was a pre-teen. Imagine that—a whole lifetime spent accomplishing nothing but empty talking! Anyhoo, in terms of listeners taking action, it just doesn’t happen unless it’s entertainment-related: I have the impression that listeners do run out to see whatever Black-oriented entertainment productions are being mentioned on the shows.

    All in all: No 1 curr . . . And AABW shouldn’t care either. Much less waste any time or energy on the already-dead, so-called Black community.

    Activism NEVER pays off for BW the way it does for BM. As was discussed in detail in a post mentioning the examples of Mary McLeod Bethune, Coretta Scott King, and others:

    “For Black women, activism does not provide the perks it often provides for Black men. No free money. No husband to remain faithful to you while you sleep around with other men. No adoring harem of male groupies. The only woman I can think of that “had it like that” was a White author named Ayn Rand. Apparently for a number of Black women, crusading activism was a dead-end leading to an asexual, ascetic lifestyle. Who wants that, except a nun?

    From what I can tell, one of the relatively few “Black History Month Heroines” that appears to have been involved in activism while also making sure to get her personal needs met (the way she wanted) was Lorraine Hansberry. She was a bisexual or lesbian who married (either out of genuine love for her White husband, or to use him as a voluntary or involuntary cover story), while still dating and sleeping with women.

    http://sojournerspassport.com/get-what-you-need-first-then-do-x-y-z/

    • It’s scary and another reason to get clear of those grasshoppers–YESTERDAY.
      On a related note Khadija I’ve been spending some time at the Archdruid blog you have linked on your site.
      He makes a good case that there is some seriously bad stuff coming down the pike. The willfully blind will get hit hard first and the most severely.

      • HomesteadGlamourGirl,

        Oh yeah, bad things are ALREADY happening to vulnerable AA women and their children—the recent water cut-offs in Detroit are a “canary in the mine” sort of warning.

        One evening last week I happened across a documentary about the [AA slave] violence in Chicago that was airing on the Russian cable news channel, RT. It was off-kilter in a way that might not be apparent to people who aren’t from Chicago. It was strange seeing Chicago’s issues filtered through the eyes of a foreign documentary crew.

        Let me emphasize that I DON’T remember if the anti-violence program that was mentioned in that documentary is the same one that Ameena Matthews worked for. But one local (WM) newspaper reporter who has covered the anti-violence program mentioned in the documentary was interviewed in the documentary. The Chicago Sun-Times reporter said that one of the reasons local authorities aren’t really onboard with the program is because some of the [BM] anti-violence workers who were hired by the program are allegedly STILL involved in drug trafficking for their gangs.

        The racist-sounding commenter at this link made an accurate observation in response to the documentary (emphasis by me in bold):

        “This show gives a rare inside view of Englewood, a place where no sane white person would ever go, unless they were on the police force. However, it is only a small part of Chicago, and actually an irrelevant one.

        While blacks move farther south and west in the City, the Robert Taylor Homes on State St. from 35th to 51st were demolished, and now the parts north of China Town–South Loop and West Loop–are full of newly built expensive condos. Previously, these were slums, but now they are high class areas. . . “

        http://rt.com/shows/documentary/159444-chicago-gangs-killings-us/comments/

        • Re: the water cutoffs in Detroit: this is a comment from the archives of the Sojourner’s Passport blog. Natasia said:

          “Seriously. I’m currently studying environmental racism/urban economics at my university, and I’m way too familiar with the rising costs of energy and gas (and, for that matter, how marginalized communities – like African-Americans – will NOT be helped when it’s needed most). Although “white people are doing it too”, most African-Americans, however, are not in the same financial position to protect themselves in times of emergency. So, when the United States finds itself in an extreme situation of environmental degradation (within OUR lifetime), you’ll probably reconsider your current position and wish you had put that money towards building wealth.

          My point is, adjust now or regret it later.”

          In the comments section of this post: http://sojournerspassport.com/windows-window-coverings-and-thermal-long-underwear/

          Water cut offs now, electricity later… literal and practical “peace walls” currently in place and more being constructed every day.

          But to add a “what we can do for ourselves” note, my husband has started assembling the raised garden beds and cold frame that came last week. Playtime is over.

        • HomesteadGlamourGirl,

          You said, “Water cut offs now, electricity later… literal and practical “peace walls” currently in place and more being constructed every day.”

          Yes, indeed.

    • Thank you Khadija for your insights and response as always. I know that you will always have the inside track and something completely relevant and valid to add.

      And I agree with you, the apathy amongst Black women with things they should be going hard for is both astounding and frustrating.

  40. Homestead Glamor Girl,

    What you said about vital services being cut off makes perfect senses and this has happened in California already. Anyone remember the rolling black outs. I remember the Filipinos at my job saying that they didn’t come all this way for this and if, it get’s too rough that they had other places to go. Also, if a big disaster hits make sure you have a to go bag with money, clothing, credit cards, and other stuff. I was reading stats on women and disasters and ladies we in most places die at a rate of for everyone man 15 women. So, be prepared to leave and have a passport and other documents and copies ready just in case.As you chances for survival are greater if, you keep moving and get out fast. Like with September 11th expect cell phones and such not to work well for a while and get a battery operated radio to listen for news and keep ahead of the crowds.

    • Good points Firefly88,

      Keep small denominations of money-single bills and quarters. I remember hearing how a man had only large bills ($20) and a disaster hit and when he went to the store they couldn’t make change so he had to leave his change.

  41. Not too long ago when I think it was Hurricane Sandy and link cards didn’t work. You know who were the most affected. Got my birth certificate and starting the process of my passport. Also, taking courses for another language. We are slooooooowly recovering from the recession and we are seeing the handwriting on the walls and peace walls. Black women are going to be the hardest hit because we have been on a drug called denial for so long, that when things start to crumble all of these so called safety nets,i.e. link cards, social service programs are not only going to not be there, they will be distributed among non-black first and everyone else second. We know that non-black have gotten ahead off of blacks and when it come time to distribute any goods, their families will come first and foremost.

  42. I’ve heard three backwards mammy mule Black women today arguing in defense of that pin brain Ray Rice. Not a kind or empathetic word said about his girlfriend.

    I remembered OLS’s “stay neutral” post and just listened. Intresting enough, the one person who went to bat for the girlfriend was a White woman.

    I mammy mules have no sense of self preservation.

    • Chicnoir,

      There will always be a certain percentage of mammy mules who are cutting their own throats and digging their own graves in support of zero accountability for BM’s violent crimes against BW.

      What I found shocking and encouraging is that the spillover effect of BWE’s consciousness-raising has been so successful—so soon—that now, even some “mainstream” BW in the public eye are raising questions about the mass lack of reciprocity.

      “ESPN’s Jemele Hill wants to know why are some black men so determined not to protect or support us”

      http://www.lipstickalley.com/showthread.php?t=762549

      A “mainstream” BW who’s in the public eye would NOT have said anything like that in public just a few years ago [pre-BWE]. I remember AABW’s conversations during the original O.J. drama and murder trial. AABW dared not raise any “Why are AABW expected to cheerlead and worry about O.J. Simpson when it’s clear that he doesn’t give a rat’s behind about BW?” questions. AA women who asked reciprocity-related questions during that trial had to do so very quietly (not in public) and only among the closest of BW friends. That is, if they didn’t want to be denounced and shouted down.

      I also remember AABW’s conversations during Pedophile R. Kelly’s sexual molestation trial. There were the same BW-hating and Black girl-hating mammy mules shrieking in support of zero accountability for that pedophile’s crimes against underage Black girls.

      The difference between then and now is that back then the vast majority of non-deranged AABW who are against Black children being molested were VERY quiet, subdued, and mealy-mouthed in their opposition to R. Kelly getting away with his crimes. Because at that point, it was almost a form of blasphemy for an AA woman to publicly say anything that did not support any BM sacred cow who was on trial.

      Off the top of my head, I can only think of one “mainstream” AABW in the public eye or media (local media—Mary Mitchell who had a op-ed column at the Chicago Sun-Times) who didn’t mince words in speaking out against R. Kelly’s crimes at that time.

      I also remember “mainstream” AABW’s conversations and public comments surrounding Chris Brown’s beat-down of Rihanna.

      Because of BWE’s victory, the center of gravity of AABW’s conversations about these issues has changed. Questions that previously would’ve been considered unthinkable by “mainstream” AABW are being asked every day. Online and elsewhere. Everyday, increasing numbers of “mainstream” AABW have started publicly asking questions about reciprocity and requiring “receipts” that they dared not/or didn’t even think to ask about before BWE.

      Praise God, it’s a new day!

      • —A “mainstream” BW who’s in the public eye would NOT have said anything like that in public just a few years ago [pre-BWE]. —

        The ironic thing about this is if the Sister Soldiers would just stand “at ease”, there would be no backlash against BW speaking out. BM have no power to “lash out”. Everything they can withhold from BW has already been withheld. There’s nothing more to take.

        Today, pretty much the ONLY backlash BW get from speaking out is from other BW, caping FOR BM. And they won’t be able to sustain the single sided loyalty for much longer.

        ——-

        Thank you to all of you amazing women who have been pushing forth the movement for the prosperity of BW. For liberating the information and generating the dialogue. Before BWE these conversations were had in pockets, in private. Not in the places where black women frequently congregate (like churches). Now millions have been exposed to the movement and can liberate themselves, to the extent they desire, armed with the knowledge and support.

        Not everyone heeds the wakeup call, but plenty do.

        • Gina,

          You said, “The ironic thing about this is if the Sister Soldiers would just stand “at ease”, there would be no backlash against BW speaking out. BM have no power to “lash out”. Everything they can withhold from BW has already been withheld. There’s nothing more to take.”

          Exactly! Brain-dead mammy mules and Sista Soldiers are the primary guard dogs protecting DBRBM. This is a problem that will ultimately solve itself because the mammy mules and Sista Soldiers are not thriving (due to their stunted lives filled with non-reciprocity). They will perish because there is absolutely nothing and nobody sustaining or supporting them. As I mentioned in a fictionalized post written as a hypothetical 23rd century BW history student, I believe we’ve reached “Peak Black Women” which is similar to “peak oil.”:

          “PEAK BLACK WOMEN”

          The most surprising aspect I’ve discovered so far in my research is the parallel between peak oil and what I’ve thought of as “peak Black women.”

          . . . As with fossil fuel depletion, there was wide scale use of Black women’s energy and resources without any thoughts about sustainability. As noted, Black women’s energies were used to propel the African-American collective forward during the 20th century’s Civil Rights Movement. However, nothing gained by this Black-women-fueled progress was ever reinvested into African-American women. There was very little to no reinvestment into Black women via marriage or any other interaction. Black women’s resources were harnessed solely to serve Black males—who were marketed as constituting “an endangered species.” Black women were exhorted to mobilize on behalf of Black men who got into trouble with Whites.

          Interestingly, this included mobilizing to support Black men who gave all their worldly goods to non-Black wives.

          . . . Obviously, this one-way flow of resources was not sustainable in the long run. As with peak oil, there came a time when the African-American collective ran out of all the “easy to find” and “readily available” energy contributed by Black women. After decades of increasing non-reciprocity, this one-way energy drain began to break down. Increasing numbers of high-resource African-American women woke up, sought better lives in the global village, and stopped contributing their resources to African-American parasites. The Black women who chose to remain behind in all-Black social circles, and the Black residential chaos zones became progressively poorer. And had lower and lower levels of personal energy available to be drained to sustain others.

          “Peak African-American Women” happened at the arrival of the 21st century. Since African-Americans’ advancement was based on harnessing Black women’s energy, the total collapse of the African-American collective that occurred after peak Black women was inevitable. And irreversible.”

          “Letter From A 23rd Century History Student To Her Faculty Advisor”
          http://sojournerspassport.com/letter-from-a-23rd-century-history-student-to-her-faculty-advisor/

          The mammy mules and Sista Soldiers are on their way into the abyss. Unfortunately, they’re trying to take as many other BW and Black girls as possible down with them.

      • I’M LOVIN’ THIS!

        Now, we can FINALLY have some sensibility in discourse related to AA women’s issues.

        I, for one, am OVERTIRED (my word–lol) of being accused of being, wanting to be, thinking/acting like a “white girl” JUST for wanting AA females needs to be considered and for wanting AA females to be protected.

        BWE has brought SUCH JOY into my life, SIMPLY by making it possible for AA women to feel safe considering and voicing their own needs. I’m TRULY looking forward to seeing more AA women and girls attain the love and success they so RICHLY DESERVE.

  43. Ladies the rice thing is all the mire reason to stay neutral and vet the people in your life. It is sad seeing black women be victims of abuse because they never taught how to pick a proper mate and how to break things off when red flags start occurring. I watched they way he hit her as if he was hitting another man and then just dragged her out of the elevator. WOW… no no one protects us, but us and the best protect we can give ourselves is to influence our women friends and family not to put up with this stuff. That woman may be stuck with that DBRBM Bowl movement of a man as they often make good on their threats to kill you, the children, and themselves.

    I would also contemplate leaving the church or any organization that okays or stays silent on something like this.It is time for us to free ourselves from this limited state of dealing with opportunistic situation and people. This may mean dropping a church, a religion, family, friends, and even a job. But the freedom you get with the change to heal are well worth it. Us ladies here are ahead of the curve as we are at least aware and on some level making changes for ourselves. I’m glad more and more Black women are waking up and realizing that charity starts at home and you must give to yourself first before you can give to other.

    • Khadeja

      Amen!!!!!!!

      I can’t get over all the likes and winks on that post. Black women are waking up. Ten years ago that comment would’ve gotten no more than 10 winks.

      I just want to thank all of the BWE authors for spreading the word.

      @firefly
      Not only did he punch her like a man, he dragged her body out of the elevator like a rag doll that he dumped once the elevator doors opened WTH. As awful as the punch was, his treatment after shows he had no remorse.

      It’s funny when you check out these online conversations, its White women who are fighting the good fight against Black male apologists and mammy mules. It’s like White women have a natural preservation activation button that not many AABW don’t have. That whole Ike&Tina meme on IG *exhales slowly* So many Blk women were reposting that garbage.

      Let me tell you something. I follow some rachett Kreyshawn like White girls on IG. I got three different Blk babby daddies White girl rachett. Not one of them reblogged those horrible Ike&Tina making fun of domestic violence.

      I’m just happy more of us are waking up and getting a clue.

      • AAs make comedy/jokes out of inappropriate things FAR TOO MUCH. They really need a new gig/sense of humor that isn’t predicated upon being so mentally lame.

      • …Not only did he punch her like a man, he dragged her body out of the elevator like a rag doll that he dumped once the elevator doors opened WTH. As awful as the punch was, his treatment after shows he had no remorse…

        ^^Yes, which indicates he has done this before whether to her or some other woman, it is with all probability not the first time he has punched a woman. Frankly, he handled her like a corpse.

        The clock is ticking down on these males and it cannot come soon enough for me. They are being replaced in all forms of sports and entertainment, their “day in the sun” is OVER.

        • “Frankly, he handled her like a corpse” Nope far worse a least with a corpse there will be a proper burial.

          The way he wiped his hands after dragging her limped unconscious body out of the elevator, reminded me of my gardener dragging a bag of leaves to the curb.

          Indeed these walking in the daylight vampires’ “day in the sun” is coming to close. Stick a fork in ’em.

        • “Frankly, he handled her like a corpse” Nope far worse a least with a corpse there will be a proper burial.

          I would normally agree with you but there are far too many murdered black women who are are never properly identified to have a proper burial.

      • I watched the video from the inside of the elevator. He left her on the floor, half in, half out of the elevator. The only reason he picked her up was because another man came on the scene, there is no video but it looks like he told him not to leave her there.

        Last weekend I read, “Is Marriage For White People?” by Ralph Richard Banks, a BM married to a BW, BTW. I also watched some of his panel discussions on youtube. It’s interesting to hear him say, “Black women are being held hostage by the BC” and to hear BW disagreeing with him, even attacking him. At one point he said, “Black women shouldn’t have to sacrifice their lives for the community, and here I am, a man saying that.”

        • Wow. So many people disturbed by the concept of AA women seeking suitable partners outside of their ethnic group. Hmm.

          And, notice the “sister” highlighting how these inequitable relationships may lead to resource transfer to the AA MALE, improving HIS social standing, and possibly making HIM a better marriage partner for the future, even if short term.

          I JUST CAN’T ….with these male-identified women.

        • Thank you for sharing this video/series. HE SLAYED. I literally clapped my hands together, over my mouth and said OOOHHHH! at his response to the woman who said… I just have to write this out…

          The BW says that BW are being (and should be, she’s advocating this) the opportunity scholarships and small business loan programs for these working class black men and that it’s possible that they may go on to become middle class (even if those couplings/marriages are only short term).

          (She’s basically saying– paraphrasing– don’t tell BW to date out, that doesn’t solve the problem. Let them be the financial aid so the BM can get on the come up and move on to the next– presumably BW although this is not specifically stated–, even if it is for a short term marriage/coupling)

          Basically… she’s cray.

          Banks replies with… (WOOSAH!)

          It’s too much to ask of BW for them to sacrifice the relationships they want for the benefit of BM. BM need a lot of programs and rehabilitation, but that should be through programs NOT relationships and there’s no evidence AT ALL that this sort of “standing by the BM” approach has bolstered the BC. He then runs down the stats (70% OOW, etc), We’re not helping anyone by promoting bad relationships for the sake of the community.

          Ladies, you MUST watch this video. I’ve heard about this book, I’ve read it been dissected numerous times. HE SLAYS.

          Neurochic what do you think of the book?

        • And watching the other Q&A videos, you really start to see how opposed other WOMEN are to BW being told to date outside the race. Oooohweeee. Talk about feeling threatened.

        • Actually, I liked the book very much. He slays Tyler Perry movies and he also slays “Waiting to Exhale” which made me say, “whoa, he’s got a point.” What he said about Exhale, the movie is, that at the end of that movie, only one woman had a man. He said something like, “They’re living in Phoenix, a city where Black people are 5% of the population, and no one even mentions dating outside the race?” Makes zero sense and I was like. Damn, he’s got a point.

          He has one chapter dedicated to BW’s fears about marrying outside the race, and kind of slays all of them. One fear is that “if I have children, they won’t have a Black experience.” Banks said that even if you marry a Black person, your children’s experience as Black people won’t be the same as yours. He said his mother was from the rural South, he grew up in the inner city of Cleveland and his children are growing up in Northern California. He said that his children have a different experience than he had growing up and that parents can’t control the identity their children choose.

        • wow they really believe that bw should sacrifice everything and be a doormat for bms. I had to play it over and over just to make sure I was hearing what I was hearing. Ladies, if, we get it together collectively it is obvious by their behavior and reactions that we are a real threat to their cushy reality. The party is over and it is time to go…

  44. Neurochic, thanks for your response about the book.

    I just had an a-ha moment.

    I too live in Northern Cali, thought Banks (teaching at Stanford) obviously lives a little south of me. Not a lot, still within commuting territory, but still. I went to school out of state so I have friends dispersed throughout the country. One thing that has come up, repeatedly, over the past 8 years is the observation that “black men from California” are a “special breed”. No one explains this specifically, but I usually get the eyeroll– yeah but you live in CAAAAAAAAALI.

    Sometimes when I can get people to think about what they mean I get responses like “they don’t like black women” or (more bluntly) “they’re b–ch made” and other phrases. Which is really hard to see when you live in the midst of it.

    I’ve been shifting my perspective over the past few years and if any of you have studied/researched such things, it takes a lot of WORK and continuous dedication to shift your perspective about things, especially if they are deeply held beliefs.

    In many ways, it’s like losing weight. It takes a complete and total shift, and constant dedication. You have to stay on it or you slip up and revert some.

    So I was thinking about it the other day, where DOES this “stand by the black man” mentality come from because I don’t remember it being explicitly taught to me, it HAD TO come through osmosis. I have been thinking (for a long time) that a significant portion of it comes from the black church, but I won’t get into that bc one thing BW don’t want criticized is the church.

    Then I read your post and I was like well damn. I was a reader of Terry McMillan books up until Stella. Then I started thinking about books that I read BACK THEN and movies that I would have considered my favorites BACK THEN.

    Then I compared that to books that I read now (I don’t read much fiction anymore, even though I have nothing against it) and the TV shows I watch now. Music too. As of late, I’ve been like ugh I can’t stand to listen to most of Mary J Blige’s catalog and I attributed it to getting older and getting tired of THAT mess, but now that I think about it, I think it is due to this “mental shift” and not wanting to hear the “woe is me because I have a no good negro but I can’t let him go” anthem.

    But I really had this AH-HA moment because back to my “California problem”. do you know how many of my black “friends” have said “just move out of California”. Two I’m actually no longer friends with after many years of friendship because I felt that “something else” was motivating the advice.

    My response would be like “move OUT of California” to “find a man”? Who the hell does that? No really, seriously. Cali is a great place to live and I’m a total Cali snob, so the suggestion was insane.

    (Although I do believe it to be reasonable to move to find a better life but that’s in cases where either you don’t like where you live, or there are better opportunities elsewhere, not when you love where you are and practically your entire family is there.)

    I honestly had serious suggestions for that, over the years, and the attitude was like “well I’m trying to help you but you won’t listen.” One, we are not friends because I was like “why would I move away from my SUPPORT SYSTEM, sell my HOUSE, move my BUSINESS just on the hopes of finding a man.” Black man wasn’t explicitly stated (by them or me) but it was understood that was the intent.

    Y’all really have to appreciate how crazy this was. This is why those friendships don’t exist any longer.

    So I can really relate to this comment about Arizona. One of my good (white) friends lived there for decades and at that point in time was living in the Arizona metro, her first question, when we discussed the issue, was “does he have to be black”.

    I’m just making that contrast and kind of shaking my head at the same time.

    • Gina,

      You said, “So I was thinking about it the other day, where DOES this “stand by the black man” mentality come from because I don’t remember it being explicitly taught to me, it HAD TO come through osmosis. I have been thinking (for a long time) that a significant portion of it comes from the black church, but I won’t get into that bc one thing BW don’t want criticized is the church.”

      That “stand by the BM” thing is something that Halima referred to as an “orphaned precept” during a discussion at my first blog. She described the morphing of an idea that was originally functional in its ORIGINAL context into something profoundly dysfunctional. It took a Google search to find that comment, and I’m happy I did because it’s something to keep in mind.

      —-“Halima said…
      To add to the discussion about bw as foot soldiers and bw blindly supporting bm, you can observe another operating ‘orphan precept’, which started out as:

      ‘support black men beause the white man is undermining his efforts to be the provider and protector of his family’

      along the years this shortened to: ‘Support the black man because of the white man’.

      Now we have simply ‘support the black man,’ a wholesale concept in itself and one which is now totally disconnected from the original intent to support bm IN their efforts for their families and the black group.

      And so with this ‘program’ in operation, bw are jumping to the support of every and any bm, even those who have raped, abused and gang banged.

      black folk have always been pratical and pragmatic in their philosophy and it served well, we lost it when we went all ‘touchy feely’ brotherhood among blacks.”—-

      As I said in my original reply to her comment, once she broke it down like that, it reminds me of the ever-shifting & manipulated “commandments for animals” in George Orwell’s novel Animal Farm. And the end result is the same: what had started off as a ideas in support of COLLECTIVE Black liberation (from White oppression) are twisted into ideas in support of another form of oppression (BM’s tyranny over BW).

      And most of us are like the sheep in the book mindlessly repeating the slogan “Four legs good, two legs bad.” Instead, we’re chanting things like “save our young Black men,” “Black men are an endangered species,” etc.

      AA women are condemned for applying critical thinking to these varioius “rally around BM, no matter what they do or fail to do” slogans and orphaned precepts. Thankfully, with each day that passes fewer and fewer AA women are listening to any of that mess. 🙂

    • @Gina, re

      So I was thinking about it the other day, where DOES this “stand by the black man” mentality come from because I don’t remember it being explicitly taught to me, it HAD TO come through osmosis. I have been thinking (for a long time) that a significant portion of it comes from the black church, but I won’t get into that bc one thing BW don’t want criticized is the church.

      I can’t say what role the black church had since I’m not a churchy bw, but I think a lot of the “stand by the black man” came from typical AAbw being gagged about their TRUE thoughts about black men. EVEN until today, MOST AA women will NEVER say out loud how they REALLY feel about most AA men. Some of y’all know I’m telling the whole truth here. LOL!

      In my experience, most AA women self-gag or will only say pretty things about AA men due to fear of being accused of disloyalty and traitorous, which means being in collusion with white folks to destroy bm. Looking back, I think a lot of that self-gagging thinking was stuffed into bw during the “Black Power” and “Fight the Power” “Pan African/Black Nationalist” days of the 60s and early 70s because it was instilled in AA women during that time that they had to have the bm’s back totally and completely since he was supposedly going toe-to- toe against “de evil wm” and that AAs all HAD to be united in order to stand any chance.

      That was a wonderful precept but it only worked ONE way in that the AA woman had to stand by the bm and have his back, and had to excuse his mistreatment (brutality against her body, infidelity, other shortcomings,) because he supposedly was a warrior on the battlefield fighting against wm every day. LOL! I know that sounds ridiculous these days, but that’s how it was presented in those days. The idea was that racist whites were draining black men of his “manhood” and practically everything else, so a bw couldn’t expect to get but so much from a bm. So, in a relationship, if she brought 90% to the table and the bm brought 10%, there was the unstated promise that he would make it all up to her one day when “wee bee free.” LOL This is how it was explained to AA women, so over time, she got used to getting less and less from AA men and giving more and more, without even thinking much about reciprocity.

      Also because of fears of being disloyal and guilt, most AA women could NEVER even talk to each other about it.I remember once in a discussion among AA women at the black church here about 6 years ago, one AA woman spoke up and said that black men should have been willing to die fighting for the honor of bw during slavery. She said she had no respect for AA men because they weren’t willing to die for their women whereas she believed men in other groups would do that for the women in their group.

      There was SILENCE in that room for a very long time. LOL! The other women didn’t know what to do. It was obvious most of the women there were scared to talk.Since I’m IR married, I wasn’t about to say anything and have them pounce on me. LOL! The women there ranged in age from 25 – 80 because these were church members. Soon, someone changed the subject completely and that was the end of that.

      I came from a background where I was raised to see ANY man as being “no good” IF he was a no good man and therefore dismiss a no good bm or any unworthy man from my thoughts and not feel guilty or have any thoughts about him at all.

      • “I think a lot of the “stand by the black man” came from typical AAbw being gagged about their TRUE thoughts about black men. EVEN until today, MOST AA women will NEVER say out loud how they REALLY feel about most AA men. Some of y’all know I’m telling the whole truth here. LOL!”

        I TOTALLY AGREE WITH THIS.

        I rarely say much, because I know people will resent my thoughts. I’m an introvert, but I have several opinions, nonetheless. However, I realize that my character, personhood, intentions, and everything else will be castigated and socially tarnished by publicly expressing ideas like ending support for BM who do not support BW and children. That’s why I’m happy I found BWE spaces, so that I can share my genuine thoughts, when I feel like opening up. I’m tired of the dysfunction in the BC, and we need to remove the incentives and cushions that make it easier to wallow in it. But, that type of ideology and talk is SACRILEGE to a large proportion of the AA population.

        • @Formavitae

          “I rarely say much, because I know people will resent my thoughts. I’m an introvert, but I have several opinions, nonetheless. However, I realize that my character, personhood, intentions, and everything else will be castigated and socially tarnished by publicly expressing ideas like ending support for BM who do not support BW and children. That’s why I’m happy I found BWE spaces, so that I can share my genuine thoughts, when I feel like opening up. I’m tired of the dysfunction in the BC, and we need to remove the incentives and cushions that make it easier to wallow in it. But, that type of ideology and talk is SACRILEGE to a large proportion of the AA population.”

          I get it that each of us has our own personality and we’re entitled to it. However, there are a lot of black folks in any gathering who are NOT introverts.

          in general–anywhere in the world, SILENCE is often interpreted as CONSENT. These days, so many AAbw wonder why no one steps up to speak for or help to protect bw, well the SILENCE of AAbw about all of these issues is one of the core reasons. Why would anyone step up to help to put an end to a situation if the people in the situation are silent about it.

          What is especially tragic about this “conspiracy of silence” is that the silence is the main reason why so many young black girls and younger bw continue to get involved with and have their lives ruined by “no good”/DBR bm. These inexperienced women see those men as “normal” men. On top of that, these males have been glamorized in popular media, but that could not have happened if AAblack WOMEN had stood up and identified these males as GARBAGE.

          A “no good”/DBR man of any group is like a lethal weapon in any environment where there are young people. He NEEDS to be pointed out continuously to younger girls AND boys. In a typical black area, the black boys also need to understand that these are NOT males to emulate and they need to know exactly WHY. When our sons were growing up, we definitely pinpointed the ZEROS around them whenever there was ANY male of any ethnicity around them who was a misfit and headed nowhere in life. We separated our sons from those types, in a hurry. As they got older, they did that themselves.

          The fact is that someone who is headed nowhere will pull others around him along with him/her.

          There are “no good” men in EVERY group and always have been. When I was growing up, the bw in my neck of the woods certainly talked OFTEN about the males who were garbage or defects. The women were not silent at all, and NOT PC. So I knew exactly who and why these males were “no good” and avoided them. Some women still got involved with them, but it didn’t happen nearly as much because these women knew they would get NO sympathy later on since they had willingly chosen to lie down with garbage.

          These days, black folks act like every “no good” black person is the result of racism. LOL! This is NOT true. Some people are just misfits. Many bm in prison are there because they are pure criminals–NOT “political prisoners,” (LOL) as some black nationalists and types like that would have us believe. But this is a big part of the reason why some AAbw will “stand by her man” even when he has a CAREER of being an inmate and has committed heinous acts against other black folks. She sees him as a normal man, a political prisoner.

        • @Evia

          I certainly agree, with each of your points.

          I was DISMAYED to read about Rice’s wife blaming the media for destroying Rice’s opportunity and THEIR happiness. Finally, society had acknowledged the abuse against a BW and taken steps to penalize the offender. Then, said BW rails out in disappointment, against her defenders.

          Sigh…

          I also agree that fruitless individuals need to be pointed out and labeled as what they TRULY are. I think another issue with this is AA’s reluctance to classify a person (particularly BM) as having no value. They always want to talk in terms of “potential” or “what God can do”. I’ve seen this repeatedly in my life. AAs like to see their women in the process of constantly rehabilitating their men. I’ve seen older BW encourage relationships between hardworking AA younger women and no-good, lazy bums, because they believe the women will be good influences and bring out the best in the men.

          I HAVE YET TO SEE THAT EFFECT.

          SOOO many things about the AA mentality and perspective need to change, if this madness is to ever end. I’m PERSONALLY beyond the point of fatigue. I just try to make good choices, lead by example, and share my advice where it’s wanted. Otherwise, I take the approach Jesus shared with his disciples: in effect, if you go to share the good news with someone and they are unwilling to listen, kick the dust off your feet, and keep movin’.

  45. Khadija,Wow–this is right on time. I had to remind the Micomsa group the other day of this. I’m happy that you gave Halima the deserved credit for capturing this “orphaning precept” practice of black folks in 2 words! This really explains so much about AA’s social degeneration.

    I view those precepts as GIFTS–from somewhere. It depends on what we each believe.

    I remember you saying that AAs have a tendency to take the most awe-inspiring, thriving initiatives/movements/ideas and water them down or bastardize them to the point where they no longer resemble the original idea, but I didn’t recall that Halima had said it first. But this whole process starting happening back in the day because so many AAs departed from common sense after the Civil Rights movement. They “orphaned” the common sense culture that AAs had accumulated over hundreds of years that had sustained us for centuries.

    As we’ve both pointed out at times: Big Momma and BIg Papa too vanished after we got our Civil Rights, after we “overcame.” After AAs thought they had “overcome,” most (as we can see) became determined to take the easiest, most comfortable route, most cowardly route, most pleasurable route, most leisurely route, the route that allows them to stay in their comfort zone and do important things only if they feel like it–even if they and their children have to suffer and die an early death doing this. So they ARE sinking and dying. Prior to the Civil Rights movement, AAs largely did what they NEEDED to do because they had no choice. BIG MOMMA and BIG PAPA didn’t care if you liked them or loved them or liked what they said, they said what NEEDED to be said and STAYED or your case, and enough other AAs either supported them to the max or they stayed quiet if they disagreed because they had the common sense to know that sometimes, medicine is bitter.

    So, thank YOU, Halima (if you read this one day) for capturing this so perfectly in the term: “orphaning precept.” This is at the root of so much AA present day dysfunction.

    Since I’m older than the rest of you, I’ve seen this “orphaning” happen so many times, but I didn’t have a name for it. For ex., back in the 70s and 80s, others (including many whites and practically all other groups of POC) considered AAs to be super-courageous, progressive, admirable (because we were making phenomenal strides against great odds) and therefore we were the group to watch, study, and COPY. We can still hear mention of this.

    AAs were actually FEARED by the federal government of the United States. Think about that!!!! Sometimes, people may not like others they fear, but fear often means “respect.” What I’m saying is that some of the most racist whites may have hated AAs, but they sure as heck respected us a heck of a lot because they believed that enough AAs were united and were on the march UPWARD. And, we were moving upward. This is exactly why black leaders AT ALL LEVELS were watched like hawks by the FBI and other authorities and black groups were infiltrated (cointelpro), etc. Along with that, we were thought of very positively by lots of other POC. I can remember how others viewed us and the feeling I got from that. Some Africans who came here in the 70s and 80s actually wanted people to think they were AAs–and not for scholarships, or immigration purposes or anything like that. And I can ever clearly remember the first time I went to Nigeria back in the early 80s. Nigerians virtually wanted my autograph simply because I was an AA. LOL! Some of them felt good to even stand near me and take a picture with me–and not because I was an American, but because I am a BLACK American–from the same general bloodline as Dr. King, Fanny Lou, Malcolm, Rosa Parks, etc.

    This is the truth, y’all. I experienced this. I’m not saying that every POC thought this way about AAs, but so many did!. This is all a part of the reason why my self-concept is so positive as an AA woman. I was lucky! I came of age and lived the most formative and prime years of my life at a time when AAs were applauded and AA women were generally considered desirable as mates by a LOT of men. I’m not romanticizing the situation back then; I’m speaking comparatively.

    Truth be told, I thought MOST AA women felt proud of themselves–just like me–UNTIL I started blogging. LOL!

    But can y’all imagine anybody watching or being afraid of ANY black man “leaders” these days? That’s totally laughable. LOL! What “leaders?” What “black man” would that be? I can remember though that back in the day, a prominent wm, maybe a government official (?) was vilified to the high heavens as a racist and had to resign from his post when he pointed out that all you have to do is give any black man “leader” a white Cadillac and a white woman and he would no longer be a threat. Well, black folks went ballistic about that comment! There was such a circus about his comment until the man had to resign. His political friends had to distance themselves from him! This may have been the beginning of “political correctness.”

    We can still witness some of this. Since the Civil Rights movement, no one in the U.S. (no matter what race nor the amount of money or power) dares to PUBLICLY say the “obvious,” and if they do, they’re figuratively beheaded in the media. We’ve seen a few cases like this recently in the news. White folks have to virtually plead “insanity” and offer to kill themselves for saying anything true about “certain” black folks. LOL!

    Things have become so bizarre. But it’s all a hilarious farce because whose progress is this really hurting? NOT white folks.

    Anyway, the AA image has been so diminished and BY AAs MAINLY due to this orphaning precept process! Thought precedes action. If your thoughts are watered down, your actions will be watered down too. And AA women–with everything to lose from it–are some of the chief perpetrators of this orphaning. of the GIFTS we were handed.

    I just wonder what would happen if certain BWE writers were to stop writing. How many AAbw would stand aside and allow BWE precepts to be orphaned? I think about that sometimes–since I have a granddaughter.

    Anyway, this is largely why so many of you younger AA women are now swimming upstream against the current. Y’all are not experiencing the ease of life that your AA women counterparts did when we were your age because so many of your moms, grandmoms, aunts, older female cousins and other AA women went right along with this orphaning and bastardizing of our those uplifting initiatives, good ideas, and other gifts handed to us simply because the easy route, the “feel-good” route was to support black men who many of those women KNEW beyond any doubt were of total No Value to any bw.

    • Evia,

      Yes, Halima said it first and she broke it all the way down!

      And I’m happy she did, because there’s significant history underlying what has morphed into utter madness. It didn’t just drop out of the sky.

      As you said, as soon as the Civil Rights Movement broke down the walls of segregation, the AA masses AND misleadership cadre immediately started watering down the common sense precepts that had enabled AAs to survive the very worst conditions—conditions that have literally obliterated other groups of people, oh like the Native American nations—prior to that point. And we see the rotten fruits of that choice.

    • AddendumI do not agree with her comments on delaying education or work; however one needs to be aware that with regards to fertility we do not have the luxury that men do to start first considering having children in our late 30s to 40s.

      • I completely agree with this and I could write forever on the topic. I applaud this woman for getting real. While I don’t want to write a long post on this I will say this:

        The genesis of encouraging women to delay child bearing is for no other reason than to create a larger “pink collar” workforce that is available at lower wages.

        As more and more women seek fertility treatments, this will receive less and less coverage through health insurance. It already is difficult to get decent coverage for infertility as pregnancy is seen as optional not essential. And this is one of the most expensive medical treatments that an otherwise healthy younger woman will ever need from an insurance carrier.

        I am going to say this one more time so that people get this: You are encouraged to delay children, and focus on your career, because your lower wages combined with your education and experience, are essential to a non-industrial (i.e. non manual labor) workforce. It does not economically or systemically work without the labor of women. This is not about what makes the most sense for your life goals, or your family, or your long term plans.

        You can leave in your mid to late thirties and forties because now you have “aged up” in terms of pay, seniority and accrued retirement benefits and are primed to be replaced by a fresh young batch of lower paid new faces. Please believe me when I say this, I studied this in school. These things were written/predicted/prescribed back in the 80s (among other things). A lot of the gains women made in the workforce, that are attributed to feminism and affirmative action, were actually out of necessity.

        Please believe this.

        • –Wow Gina could you expand on your last two sentences a bit more.—

          I went to find my old books, but I don’t have them. I lost a lot of physical books from water damage. One of the things I loved reading “back in the day” were business books written by economists, sociologists and other people who study and publish research that gets passed on to structure policy. Think tanks and other such groups.

          They study trends and pass along recommendations, long before those trends come to fruition.

          So the books were published in the 80s and it spoke of how the failure of the public school system was going to create a problem for corporations because there would be millions of under-employable people.

          We are not talking about drop outs, we’re talking about people who “successfully” complete K-12 education being unemployable even at low wage jobs (this is why in America we will probably never truly see a living wage as minimum wage. People get distracted into focusing on what they believe is “right” and what they believe people “deserve” and not what makes economic sense, but I digress.). The book cited things such a high percentage of people aged 19-24 (fuzzy on those ages) not being able to decipher a bus schedule or file a set of folders in alphabetical order.

          So what happens is recommendations are then made so that corporations can have an employable workforce. These researchers are concerned with spotting trends, identifying potential problems and posing solutions that solve the problem, not pleasing the public.

          Nonetheless, this is how we now have things like offshoring work and importing knowledge workers from other countries. This was a known need in the 80s, and probably before that if I had read older books.

          Follow this: why are companies offshoring low level customer service jobs and other phone work– because there’s not enough of an employable work force being produced by the educational system and it is more economically feasible for companies to offshore than to invest in “remedial education” (which was one of the phrases often used in this book). Why do we import educated knowledge workers fields like medicine, science and tech? Because our universities were behind the ball in producing enough graduates to meet demand. NOW you see a focus on STEM that is reaching down through high schools and JR high, and a lot of that demand will be filled by women going into STEM, but that is years down the line.

          (sidenote- when you do have children, don’t have them study liberal arts, humanities and the like unless you are wealthy because I think that’s how a lot of us black women, have shot ourselves in the foot by getting plenty of education, but in fields where there’s little or no employment demand– NO SHADE).

          So now we have to rewind this back in time to go back to the 60s and 70s. America moved away from a manual labor based economy and into a white collar and service workforce. There were industries that were increasing (booming) in growth but there were two issues:

          1- The jobs were considered “feminine” (secretarial, administrative, service, retail)
          2- Even if they wanted to hire only men, there weren’t enough men to hire for these jobs

          So… again… research and recommendation… corporations need to bring more women into the workforce ( have you guys ever heard of the phrase “pink collar ghetto”?) However, that posed another problem– maternity leave, payment during maternity leave and child care.

          So… for higher earning women (and I mean high earning women) corporations could justify paid maternity leave because the value of retaining that employee is high, so it’s worth it to shell out the money to keep that person tethered to the job. But even still, the vast majority of women (in America) who received paid maternity leave receive it as disability leave. Family medical leave and other federal laws do not mandate paid leave, they mandate job protection. Usually payment for maternity leave is covered under medical disability.

          Other corporations got into “corporatized daycare” this is when you have the growth spurt of chains and corporations that offer day care (kindercare etc). Again, that was a projected necessity to accommodate women being in the workforce. But please also remember that the majority of these women are employed in lower paying jobs.

          But still that is expensive… costly. Once you have children, you cost more. You’re using more benefits, statistically taking more time off… etc…

          But I’m getting off topic here.

          This shift coincided with the timing of feminism and affirmative action. Thus feminism and AA are often credited for getting more women and people of color into the workforce, but that was going to happen anyway. See… what you did NOT see along with these two movements was diversity in employment. Women were still mostly employed in “feminine/pink collar/service/administrative jobs” and AAs were still employed in clusters of jobs that primarily were in the low wage category.

          That is not to say that these two movements were ineffective, just that sometimes they are given credit for things that were going to happen anyway, as far as jobs are concerned. Now I know there are other things impacted by Affirmative Action, but I haven’t studied those (like school admissions etc).

          So this push for women to “focus on their careers” solved two corporate problems– 1, it brought more women into the workforce DEDICATED to their jobs and 2- it solves the expense issue of maternity leave, parental benefits and child care.

          I absolutely positively hated when Sheryl Sandberg took her Lean In tour to Howard University. The arrogance of assuming that her message was applicable (or the deviousness of knowing it wasn’t but pushing it anyway). Most non black female high level executives are not single, they are married to men who earn more than them. Now you’re going to see that change because the younger generation was fed this focus on career line, but when you’re looking at the women who are in their 40s and 50s now…

          I learned that bitter hard truth when I started looking at the profiles of white women who own large/successful business, with 7 figure revenues and up. Most are married “up.” Over 50% of college educated BW who marry BM are married “down”. ANECDOTALLY— because I have no research on this— most non-black female executives and entrepreneurs who marry “down” (especially if they marry blue collar or artsy men) find their professional growth stunted.

          —– this is one of the reasons why the black women in the Banks video (posted above) got my blood boiling when she said that maybe BW are the economic opportunity and small business loans for these blue collar BM. My blood was boiling because she’s an academian so she’s part of these groups of people who spot these trends, but that either out of pure evil or extreme intra-sexual competition, suggested that BW bear this burden of lifting them up.

          The unemployment rate for BM is only going to get worse because the (blue collar) jobs that were the dominion of BM will go to immigrants.—–

          So what you are going to see over the next few years (because I haven’t read “that far out”) is an increasing push to get women into STEM (as is already evident) not necessarily out of the kindness of promoting women, but out of necessity. Even though we can import knowledge workers, it’s still costly and comes with other issues.

          If we’re not careful, there will be another displacement where instead of importing college grads and workers from other countries, companies will recruit them out of high school so that they are educated in American universities.

          BW are going to have to be more selective about what we study in school. As Khadijah as often written– get out of helping professions (I, for one, am disturbed at the number of BW who get master degrees and incur massive amounts of student loan debt in helping professions which DO NOT PAY well enough to repay the debt comfortably). Not just because this will impact our employability but will also impact who we have access to as potential mates because college enrollment will become more and more female dominated (the white female to male ratio is tipping also it’s just that there’s a greater disparity among blacks).

          Sorry that went on so long.

      • Karen,

        Thanks for sharing!

        Like Gina, I also applaud this woman for getting REAL about this issue. This story ties into something that all the main BWE bloggers have repeatedly discussed: AA women and teenage girls can’t afford to listen to 99.99% of the well-meaning but misguided messages given to them by other adult AA women.

        If you’re an AA woman who wants to maximize her odds of finding a quality, loving, family-oriented husband AND having healthy children, you don’t have time to waste. The article Karen posted is a good example of how there really are “seasons” for certain things. Some things really ARE time-sensitive. The odds of easily getting pregnant and having healthy babies are best if you get married and start your family while you’re still in your 20s. Which means that you can’t afford to listen to time-squandering messages such as:

        “Focus on your books [while you’re in college].” NO, you need to focus on your books AND on having dating experiences while in college. The way Becky and Mei Ling do both while they’re in college.

        To be clear: I mean actual dating as in courtship. Not hook-up experiences. This is important because, in light of the above-mentioned optimal timetable, you want to be emotionally ready for marriage by the time you’re around 25. So you’ll have a couple of years together as a couple before starting to have children.

        If you want to have the opportunity to have a normal amount of dating experiences, then you MUST NOT attend a historically Black college! [Contrary to the “mainstream” advice to teenage AA girls.]

        I talked about this at the first blog. I invited readers to guess why HBCUs are becoming literal deathtraps:
        http://muslimbushido.blogspot.com/2009/08/please-join-me-for-round-of-geostrategy.html

        —“Here are 3 (somewhat) interlocking hints:

        1-In what way can we say that Washington, D.C. (where Howard University is located) has replaced San Francisco?

        2-Historically Black colleges; and

        3-The gender imbalances at HBCUs. According to Understanding Gender at Public Historically Black Colleges and Universities: A Special Report of the Thurgood Marshall Scholarship Fund, Inc., “Females are a majority (63%) of the total number of students enrolled at the 45 public Historically Black Colleges and Universities. . . ” pg. 10. http://www.thurgoodmarshallfund.org/downloads/2006_gender_study.pdf

        What’s the emerging, life-threatening problem at these schools that nobody’s really talking about? A problem that will only get worse, using our previous collective behavior as a roadmap?”—

        The answer is the unchecked spread of HIV/AIDs at HBCUs.

        As I said then:

        —“Here’s the equation:

        Gender imbalance that favors BM students at HBCUs—

        + the resulting increased amounts of mansharing by BF students on these campuses

        + Washington, DC replacing San Francisco as an HIV/AIDs capital (so dating BM from off-campus in DC is also HIGH-risk given the epidemic conditions there)

        + the inherent homophobia of the AA community, particularly the Black South where the bulk of these HBCUs are located

        + the resulting increased closeted, “down low” behaviors by a percentage of BM students who might feel freer to self-identify as gay/bisexual if they weren’t at HBCUs

        + a spike in HIV infection rates among Black students that was briefly reported on in 2004

        + fewer “degrees of social separation” between AA college students/graduates and HIV+ jailbirds and drug addicts

        = HBCUs becoming HIV/AIDS magnets and centers!”—

        This phenomenon was in the news briefly a decade ago. Here’s the news story I referenced during the comments to that post.
        http://www.nbcnews.com/id/4556054/ns/health-aids/t/black-colleges-seek-stem-hiv-cases/#.VBOtWo10zIU

        From what I can tell, nobody’s currently talking about the HBCU (BW students man-sharing the fewer BM students on these campuses) angle to new infections. But it has been noted in the media that Southern States Are Now Epicenter of HIV/AIDS in the U.S.
        http://insurancenewsnet.com/oarticle/2014/09/08/southern-states-are-now-epicenter-of-hiv-aids-in-the-us-a-552766.html#.VBOtyo10zIU

        I’m saying all of this to say that AA girls and women can’t afford to listen to the 99.99% of the messages and false guidance that’s being given to them by “mainstream” AA women. Interestingly, a couple of commenters to that post sang the praises of their experiences at HBCUs even though one of them admitted that she had to date men from the local area in order to have dates. The other pro-HBCU commenter repeated the Oft-Repeated To AABW message of “Keep your legs closed and focus on your education.”

        Meanwhile, as I told her: —“Keeping one’s legs closed DOES NOT address the fact that the situation on these HBCUs is totally destructive of a young BW’s opportunities to position herself meet and MARRY a QUALITY man. Friendship is good, careers can be nice; but marriage is ALSO very important. And being marooned at these gender-imbalanced HBCU has an extremely negative impact on a young BW positioning herself to be in line for marriage.”—

        • —If you’re an AA woman who wants to maximize her odds of finding a quality, loving, family-oriented husband AND having healthy children, you don’t have time to waste. The article Karen posted is a good example of how there really are “seasons” for certain things. Some things really ARE time-sensitive. —-

          Absolutely. Another thing 20 year olds have to keep in mind is that marriage-minded men are not being given the same message. Marriage minded men are GETTING MARRIED. Thus, career focused women, who decide in their 30s that they want to get married, are mostly left with these types of men:

          1- Men who don’t want to get married and are honest about it.
          2- Men who don’t want to get married, but know that most women do, so they are dishonest about it in order to seduce marriage minded women into long term relationships (serial monogamy). These are the time and youth wasters.
          3- Men who wanted to get married, but were UNABLE to, because they were considered unattractive or unsuitable to the women they were chasing. They can get VERY bitter and spiteful towards women (this is most of the manosphere).
          4- Married men (cheating).
          5- Divorced men (not saying this is bad, but it can be a minefield for a never married woman).
          6- Men who have witnessed the scales tip in their favor and plan to take full advantage of their newfound power and options before “settling down”.

          Your pool of marriage minded men who just happened to not get married is actually quite small. When you’ve followed that script and you’re looking for a male equivalent, you’re looking for a unicorn. So you’re left with quite the minefield.

          This is how women get pushed back into trying to have their first child late 30s and early 40s. They didn’t do the math. You decide you want to take marriage seriously at 30, well now you have to FIND someone but the “market” has changed dramatically. Then you have to court, get engaged, then married. Then people want time before having children.

          Do the math on that.

          —“Focus on your books [while you’re in college].” —

          Do you remember when this hit the fan? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/susan-patton/why-i-told-female-princeton-students-to-find-a-husband_b_2988154.html

        • @Khadija and Gina

          This is all good advice for the highly educated and driven AA woman/girl who wants a family.
          I’m tired of seeing so many professional, beautiful, and accomplished AA women single and childless (though some prefer this), while so many women with no jobs, ambition, or development continuously pop out children right and left. The people who add greater development value to society are not reproducing, while those who make no efforts to offer anything just won’t stop reproducing. This is contributing to further, dysfunctional lopsidedness of the AA collective.

          Ponderings, such as these, are why I am always posting that I feel “fatigued”. Lol. But, in all sincerity, I’m tired of feeling tired.

  46. Yep
    I never went to a HBCU and am when I transfer to a university will not be look for one either. It is still assumed by many that black women don’t or won’t date out. It doesn’t help when you have mule braying this at the top of their lungs. It is in any young woman’s interest to check out campuses with a large diverse population of men and consider going abroad.

    If you know you want marriage and children that should be made plain up front so as not to waste your time with men who are looking for something else. Once you leave school it becomes harder to find a mate not impossible, but more effort is needed.

  47. Gina,

    sustained standing applause for your comment dated September 13, 2014 at 4:20 pm

    Your entire comment dated September 13, 2014 at 4:20 pm needs to be printed out and given to every high school senior AA girl and AA freshman college coed. Because all of that is some REAL TALK that can save young AA girls and women from making painful, life-damaging mistakes.**

    I hadn’t seen the follow-up post you linked to, but I do remember the online kerfuffle surrounding the original story. The irony (as the woman explained in the post in the link) is that the woman “intended [her original post] as little more than honest advice from a Jewish mother.” Key words: Honest. Advice. From. A. Jewish. Mother. Unlike the dishonest, All About Supporting Black Males to Their Daughters’ Detriment advice that most adult AA women give young AA girls and women.

    A money quote from the link (emphasis added in bold):

    “Again, I understand that all women don’t want marriage (to men or other women) and or children, but for those that do, identifying the right partner is critical. One of the criteria by which I am defining the right partner is someone with shared educational and intellectual appreciation. Yes, that can be found after college and outside of Princeton, but the concentration of outstanding men (and women) will never be greater than it is as a student. I wanted to encourage the wonderful young women on Princeton’s campus to take advantage of this while they can. From a sheer numbers perspective, the odds will never be as good again.

    That’s the plain truth.
    ——–
    **The BW Think Tank writer recently said something on her FB page that echoed some things I tried to get across at my 2nd blog. To paraphrase, she mentioned that 40+ is a time in life when most AA women GIVE UP and resign themselves to spending the rest of their lives in whatever life circumstances their earlier choices [read = mistakes] have created. It doesn’t have to be that way. Wherever there’s life, there’s hope of making a change.

    Most adult AA women never got any good, practical, up-to-date, common sense advice from our mothers. For a variety of reasons that are too long to get into here. Anyhoo, my point here is that too many of us are in the habit of hearing about an opportunity and having the knee-jerk reaction of “Oh, that’d be a good thing for the young people.” Meanwhile, there’s typically NO requirement that anybody be “young” to take advantage of certain opportunities. This came up during a post discussing a guide to finding employment on a cruise ship. As I said in a comment there:

    —“AAs’ cultural, knee-jerk habit of putting arbitrary and SELF-imposed limitations on whatever opportunities are available is a mindset that I’m trying to dismantle with this blog.

    Let’s consciously try to STOP coming up with arbitrary “reasons” why something is not for us. I’m amazed at how QUICK we are to eliminate ourselves from various opportunities.

    Let’s review a few of the self-imposed road blocks that we toss in front of our own fulfillment:

    (1) BEING 30+. So many times, and with so many things, I hear AAs automatically describe certain life-enhancing opportunities as being for “young people,” “the youth,” or people “under 30.”

    Meanwhile, there’s NO actual requirement that anybody be young, part of the youth, or under 30 to take advantage of these various opportunities. I’ll be blunt: This sort of self-defeating thinking is why many AA women 30 and over feel as if their lives are already over, and that they might as well be dead if they haven’t done/experienced certain things before they hit 30. This type of thinking often leads to a state of depression, defeat, and surrender to negative circumstances and surroundings.

    Life is not a race. Yes, the more good things that one can get/experience sooner in life is usually better. But that doesn’t mean that one is prohibited from enjoying various things at whatever age one is able to access them.

    Like I mentioned earlier, I’ve seen cruise ship employees who weren’t nubile young things in their 20s. Yes, many cruise ship employees are in their 20s. But there were significant numbers who were clearly at least in their 30s. And for all I know, some of these folks I assumed were in their 30s might have been in their early 40s. When I’ve been on cruises, I wasn’t focused on the employees like that. I just recall noting that not all of them looked like college kids; there were plenty of “been grown for a while” folks in the mix.

    (2) KIDS AND/OR BEING A SINGLE PARENT. Yes, it’s harder to do various things with small children in tow. But that doesn’t mean that it’s impossible, or something that we should automatically eliminate as being plausible. The point is to actually investigate various possibilities before writing them off.

    (3) LACK OF MONEY. This particular self-imposed barrier always amazes me because we’re watching other people (including foreign Blacks) all around us who don’t let that stop them. We take ourselves out of the running while everybody ELSE is clamoring to scoop up these opportunities. Just consider all the folks from the 2nd world (poorer, former Communist European countries such as Hungary and Romania) and 3rd world working on these cruise ships.

    Consider that the man who wrote the book mentioned in this post describes 2 tiers of payment structures. One for 1st-world employees—umm, that would be US as AA women—and one for everybody else. Why in the world would we eliminate ourselves from being eligible to collect and save that sort of money? Meanwhile, folks from the 2nd and 3rd world are clamoring to get their turn at receiving LESS pay than what we would get as first-world (US citizen) employees!

    Tom Joyner has been organizing cruises for the Black folks in his NOT-upscale audience for years. So noboby can convince me that the cruise ship observations are completely unknown to “typical” AAs. There’s a significant number of so-called “ordinary” AAs who have seen cruise ship employees themselves. There are plenty of AAs—who are not middle-class or upper class—who have been on those cruise ships to the Caribbean. Those same Caribbean cruises that I’m trying to get more AAs to stop restricting themselves to, and instead go see some other places . . .[ ]

    . . . Ladies, let’s consciously work on keeping our minds and our eyes open to opportunities! 🙂 “—

    http://sojournerspassport.com/how-to-work-on-a-cruise-ship/

    • Khadijah, I completely agree with everything you wrote.

      My mother and I have (right now) a very strained relationship. About 2 years ago, I stopped being silent. My motto now is “silence kills”. I’m not always the most tactful when I speak up, but I speak up.

      Anyhow, this argument arose when my mom said “I raised you better than that” and I said no you didn’t. I then went on to say look at the children of your siblings, THAT is how you raised me. I can’t even begin to go into the factors that led to me avoiding those traps (but not all of them, which is how we got into this argument) but considering what I was taught and equipped with, I feel that I did well… considering… Could I have done better… possibly? But that would have been a severe anomaly.

      I bring this up because of this:

      —Most adult AA women never got any good, practical, up-to-date, common sense advice from our mothers. For a variety of reasons that are too long to get into here. —

      We did not. And even in my personal relationship w my mother, I flat out told her to stop talking. Don’t give me any advice, feedback or input or we would not have a relationship. Because she has given me very bad advice but then shamed me for the outcome. The last time we got into it she gave me (again) very bad advice and I asked “is this based on research, experience or knowledge or some fairy tale idea of how you THINK the world works?” She hung up. I told her that she was not qualified to advise me and to continue to do so would be acting against my best interests.

      The reason I point this out is because this is UNTHINKABLE in the BC. What I did, is practically blasphemous. Because its more common for BW to have a co-dependent, even toxic, relationship with their mothers, that they are unwilling to detach from, even if that relationship is destroying their spirit and their life.

      This is not to say that all, or even most BW have these dysfunctional relationships w their mothers, although I think many do. And I don’t advise anyone to take the path that I took, because I can handle the fall out of how I handled it. But everyone who claims to love you, and to be there for you, and is family advising you, sometimes there are some underhanded things going on that they are aware of or are unaware of.

      —“AAs’ cultural, knee-jerk habit of putting arbitrary and SELF-imposed limitations on whatever opportunities are available is a mindset that I’m trying to dismantle with this blog.—-

      One day I would LOVE TO read you and Evia’s thoughts on something that I have often wondered about but have no answer to. I know this post might not be the place for it, but if you have already written about it, please link to it:

      One of the things I have noticed with my peer group is that our mothers chose weird life paths after the marriage or relationship that produced their (often only) child(ren) ended. So I’m not talking about multiple children by multiple men because that doesn’t seem to be the script for our mothers. I won’t say they stayed celibate (although some appear to have done so) but they did not remarry nor did they get into an Oprah/Steadman relationship. They stayed single (I’m not saying they didn’t date), often wistfully spoke of finding a husband or waiting for God to bless them with one, made no serious attempts at re-marriage (i.e. no engagements) and devoted themselves to church and female-centric socialization (i.e. girls trips, girls events, women’s conferences).

      What is that?

  48. Part 1

    Gina,

    You asked, “One of the things I have noticed with my peer group is that our mothers chose weird life paths after the marriage or relationship that produced their (often only) child(ren) ended. So I’m not talking about multiple children by multiple men because that doesn’t seem to be the script for our mothers. I won’t say they stayed celibate (although some appear to have done so) but they did not remarry nor did they get into an Oprah/Steadman relationship. They stayed single (I’m not saying they didn’t date), often wistfully spoke of finding a husband or waiting for God to bless them with one, made no serious attempts at re-marriage (i.e. no engagements) and devoted themselves to church and female-centric socialization (i.e. girls trips, girls events, women’s conferences). What is that?”

    They gave up. Because, truth be told, the original marriage was NOT a source of happiness or fulfillment for them. So, AA women in our mothers’ age group weren’t in a hurry to get into another unfulfilling marriage to another AA male (and they have no concept of dating out). Because they knew they’re sad marriage was not an exception. They knew that most of their AA women friends’ and female relatives’ marriages were also unfulfilling on the wife’s end.

    Truth be told, historically most AA marriages were bad ones in terms of meeting women’s emotional needs. This is why, unlike women from other Western ethnic groups, most middle-aged and older AA women use emotionally heavy, negative, burden-laden terminology when discussing marriage. Marriage to AA males produces the total opposite of the carefree, Not A Worry Or Burden In The World effect that marriage to “mainstream,” normal American WM produces for Becky.

    The problem is that AAs lie about all of this. Lie or remain silent (lying by omission).

    This is something else that recently came up on the BW Think Tank page. It was mentioned that when asked or interviewed about the secret of their 40-year, 50-year marriages, elderly AABW give the trite, pat answer of “communication.” Meanwhile, when you get these married-for-40+ years-AA women in private, they admit the ugly reality behind most of these marriages. They admit that they’ve been unhappy for the past 40-50 years. They admit that their AA negro male husbands put them through 40+ years of living with these men’s adultery (the negro having had a second family with his side piece/concubine in another neighborhood, etc.), and/or emotional negligence, and/or emotional abuse, etc.

    Several Think Tank commenters pointed out that it’s similar to the dishonesty surrounding how AAs talk about AA negro males in the U.S. military. And what these AA negro males leave behind all around the world. Collectively, we lie and pretend that being in the military shaped up these males. We never talk about how these negroes leave behind legions of half-Black abandoned babies in every country where there’s a U.S. military base. We never talk about how these AA negro males cheat on their stateside Black wives and girlfriends to produce these bastard babies around the world. A Think Tank commenter mentioned this documentary that was made by one such half-Black abandoned child in the Philippines, called Left By The Ship.

    http://www.leftbytheship.com/

    As one YouTube commenter said:

    —“Bijo S
    2 months ago
    Why are so many of them black asian mixes? 

    Bijo S
    2 months ago
    Black men living up to the stereotype of not taking responsibility for their children.”—

    Yep, that about sums it up. And AAs tell lies or lie by omission about all of it.

    Continued in Part 2

  49. Part 2

    Before I forget, let me add that I don’t particularly empathize with the Filipina Mei Lings featured in the documentary I mentioned above. A lot of those Mei Lings were angling to get a green card off of those AA negro males by having babies. Those Mei Lings gambled, and they lost. Oh, well.

    Gina, you said, “We did not. And even in my personal relationship w my mother, I flat out told her to stop talking. Don’t give me any advice, feedback or input or we would not have a relationship. Because she has given me very bad advice but then shamed me for the outcome. (emphasis added in bold)

    Unfortunately, what you described is a common “game” that far too many AABW run on their daughters. I would say that the majority of AA mothers are unhelpful to their daughters (to varying degrees, from negligence to outright deliberate sabotage), and then want to play surprised when there’s a negative outcome.

    I was in my 30s when I finally let myself realize that my mother had a “frenemy” type thing going with her relationship with me. Because before then it was too painful for me to face the reality that my mother was never wholeheartedly “in my corner.” It was always clear to me that she favored my brother and male cousins over me and any other female relative. It was always clear to me that she coddled and verbally walked on eggshells with my brother and male cousins, while feeling free to verbally rip into me (and try to tear me to pieces).

    Even though I stopped following my mother’s advice when I was in undergrad, it wasn’t until I was in my 30s that I let myself see that I could NEVER trust any advice my mother gave me. Because it was tainted with a degree of not wishing the best for me. And tainted with a degree of resentment of me. That was a deeply painful realization.

    I had to find a delicate balance between doing what I could to honor and be a source of comfort to my mother WITHOUT allowing her to hurt me. I had to train her to stop verbally tearing me down. Which is what I did when I was in my early 30s. Nothing really changed. She simply learned not to say certain types of hyper-critical things to me. By her silent actions, she continued to do things that showed me how much she favored—and would always favor and value—my brother and every other male relative over me.

    Our relationship was never healed. It was never going to be healed. I saw no point in trying to engage her in a conversation about all the hurtful mess she had said and done. Even though that’s the modern common wisdom—to dredge up all that old mess and confront people with it. I didn’t do it because I knew she would interpret all of that as verbally beating up on her and attacking her. I also didn’t want to hurt her or cause her emotional pain in her elder years. At that point, what was the point? In my particular set of circumstances with my particular family history, there was no point.

    I’m so very thankful that I made the above choice and resisted the urge (and the well-meaning advice) to confront her or try to engage her in a conversation about all of that mess. My mother passed away some time after I had made that conscious choice to find a gentle balance between NOT letting her be in a position to hurt my feelings again and being as kind and helpful as possible with her.

    Even though she’s gone and I miss her, I’m still deeply angry with my mother about the many ways in which she was NOT in my corner. Some of that anger has cooled as the years go by. It’s more like embers instead of a white-hot flame. Aside from the residual anger,** I have peace of mind about the situation with my mother. It was what it was. She did the best she could do given how SHE was raised and grew up. I made what turned out to be the best choices under that set of circumstances. I know that if I had followed the well-meaning, modern advice to engage her in conversation about her BM-identified behaviors that hurt me, I would’ve felt crippling guilt after she passed.

    I’m telling all of this personal stuff to say be careful and cautious about what you say and do regarding a mother who has failed and hurt you in critical ways. For your OWN sake and future peace of mind. You can’t un-say things. You can’t un-do things.

    Mommies don’t live forever, and it’s best to err on the side of having a clear conscience when the day comes that Mom passes away.

    **About anger. Those of us who were short-changed or sabotaged by our mothers have the RIGHT to be angry about it. None of that mess was right, fair, or correct. And it stands in a stark contrast to what mothers in most other ethnic and racial groups do in terms of their daughters. In many cases, it takes YEARS to climb out of the holes that our mothers shoved us into. In far too many cases, the effects of our mothers’ failures are fatal. I know, and know of, a LOT of dead AA women who died/were murdered/died from stress-related, lifestyle ailments in their 30s and 40s.

    Many of these premature deaths can be laid at the feet of the (sometimes deliberate) bad, life-damaging advice given to them by their mothers—that bad advice put these women’s lives on an subpar-to-outright-bad trajectory. Even though the game and the pattern (to soothe their own consciences) is that these mothers act *perpetually surprised* at the negative outcomes their bad advice helped to create.

    • —I’m telling all of this personal stuff to say be careful and cautious about what you say and do regarding a mother who has failed and hurt you in critical ways. For your OWN sake and future peace of mind. You can’t un-say things. You can’t un-do things.

      Mommies don’t live forever, and it’s best to err on the side of having a clear conscience when the day comes that Mom passes away.—

      Thanks for that advice, I will incorporate it. For me, the realization is so “fresh” and “recent” (and I really mean recent) that I can only hope that enough time passes before she passes, so that I can “move through it.”

      —Even though the game and the pattern (to soothe their own consciences) is that these mothers act *perpetually surprised* at the negative outcomes their bad advice helped to create.—

      You know, it was like, you need to be quiet because if people know this, they are going to look at ME and question ME as a mother and question whether or not *I* did a good job. It was/is keeping appearances and the fear of being judged (on her part).

    • I mentioned, “I had to find a delicate balance between doing what I could to honor and be a source of comfort to my mother WITHOUT allowing her to hurt me. I had to train her to stop verbally tearing me down. Which is what I did when I was in my early 30s. Nothing really changed. She simply learned not to say certain types of hyper-critical things to me.”

      For clarity and a specific example of how I handled this: When my mother would light into me with some extremely hyper-critical comment, I didn’t try to engage her in a discussion of how hurtful that felt to me, how she never did that to my brother and was always made a point of saying encouraging, supportive things to him, etc.

      What I did was say “Please stop tearing me down.” whenever she did that. In the beginning, her first response was to argue that she wasn’t trying to tear me down, she only meant blah-blah, other types of deflection, etc. I would repeat “Please stop tearing me down” until she got off the hyper-negative verbal attack on me and started talking about something else. Eventually, she learned to stop verbally ripping me apart. Of course, would try to turn it around by making comments about how “Everything I say to you is the wrong thing, as far as you’re concerned.” I ignored those sorts of comments and would try to get our conversations back on a more positive track.

      Once I realized the game that was being run, I wouldn’t let myself get drawn into those type of fake “let’s talk about our issues” conversations with my mother. Because from past history of how those conversations always went, I knew it was a game. She wasn’t genuinely interested in hearing how I felt or how her nonstop criticism of me had affected me. She just wanted an opening to give her rebuttals and justifications. With our particular family “script,” it was a situation in which even if I had “won” the discussion, I would still lose in the end: I knew that if I ever got through to her with how hurtful I found her behavior while growing up, she would feel guilty and feel like a failure as a mother. And then I would feel guilty about causing her pain and sadness in her elder years.

      Everybody’s mileage varies because everybody’s particular situation and family “script” is different. I’m making the exception of publicly talking about some really personal stuff because I want to provide some practical food for thought for other AA women dealing with similar issues with their mothers.

      Since most AA women are silent about this sort of stuff, each individual AA woman who has these sorts of issues is often left feeling like she’s the only one who has a mother that’s not in her corner. And who can’t be trusted. With no practical food for thought as to how she might handle the situation. And, as with everything else, the conventional wisdom does not necessarily apply to the type of situations that many AA women are facing.

    • Thank you, Khadija for sharing your story! I too have a similar relationship with my mother. My mother has always favored her male children over me, her only female child. When I was little my mom would straight up say to me: I wish I had all boys. Girls are so much trouble. Talk about how f’d up that is!

      My mom’s destructive ways fall into more typical ABC crew type, though. I’m sure everyone here has known/have family “Acting Black Crew” members. In fact, my mom and her kids are the only functioning branch on her family tree! We all, including my mom finished school and have middle class/upper middle class income and live comfortably. After my parent’s divorce, my mom provided well for us in spite of never seeing a dime of child support from my dad. I will always be grateful and admire her strength.

      But when I got into the workforce and started to make a decent wage, my mom used all kinds of guilt tactics to get me to give her money. I did a lot of things for her, gave her upwards of $1000 bucks at a time, vacations, etc. but nothing was ever enough. I was always asked “Is this it” whenever I did something; or she would up the ante by saying she ‘needed’ more. Keep in mind none of us ever had to go back home once we left, nor did my mom raise any of her grandchildren. My other siblings have gotten married and provide for their families. I do not have children, and in my mom’s opinion, she felt entitled to me ‘taking care of her’; basically provide everything she needed and want since she turned 45. 45!!!! Even though my mom has diabetes and high blood pressure, she was able and did work several well paying government jobs. These conditions are manageable, and lots of people work while having diabetes.

      Throughout my 20’s and early 30’s we would have arguments when she visited me about her coming to live with me. I always told her she could, but she still needed to get a job. So, I would be shouldering all the living expenses, but she needed to work for spending money. My mom NEVER saved, so I knew anything I give to her is all pissed away with nothing to show for it. Well, several years ago things came to a head during her last visit. I had come home from work and my mom had gone through my papers. Looking at my bank account statements, investments and everything! She confronted me and I will never forget what she said: I went through all of your papers. I know how much money you have. HALF of that belongs to me!!! Pure ninja bullshyt! I could not believe it. Just like you Khadija, I wanted to tell her off. Years of anger about being treated as an ATM out of guilt because she was a single parent just wanted to come out and say the most vile stuff to her. I just left and checked into a hotel room. I left her money to catch a cab for her plane flight the next day.

      I did not talk to my mom for 3 years. My older brother would tell me how much she changed; but she has not. Case in point, my mom quit her job two years before SSA kicked in, lived off her b/f, and is now struggling to live off of SSA. My mom always had cushy government desk jobs, not jobs where a lot of labor was involved. But it was ‘too much’ for her. Immediately after she quit she bought a SECOND car. She now has two cars and a house and it STILL claiming how broke she is! Unbelievable!

      I say my mom belongs to the ABC crew because just like the majority of the deviant Black underclass, she wants to take advantage of highly functioning family members. Never wanting to work and feeling entitled to the fruits of others hard work. This Thanksgiving will mark the first that I have spent with my mom in a least FIVE years. Half of the continental US is between us and I’m happy to keep it that way for the rest of her natural life. My mom is a predator and will use any tool in her arsenal to squeeze every dime she can out of me.

      I have few Black friends because the majority of Black folks share this trait. Since I take care of my business, live below my means other bw tend to get jealous. Or they want to take advantage by telling me their sob stories and trying to get ‘loans’ from me. I work with a 60 year old bw, all her children are grown, and she had the nerve to ask me for gas money on payday! All because I paid for her lunch one day, now I’m rolling in money. Classic case of a Black person interpreting an act of kindness for weakness.

      I avoid my mom’s manipulations and criticisms by distance and rarely talking to her. I only give her money in the form of gifts on the requisite holidays and birthdays. Sometimes I feel guilty but I know it preserves my sanity. Just like Khadija I have come to accept that I will never have more than a superficial relationship with my mom. The typical ABC corruption in her will never go away. I’m thankful that me and my other siblings escaped that corruption. But my whole extended family is rife with it. I live in a state where none of my relatives live. I never tell them what I do or how much money or other assets I have, or where I live.

      If there are any other young bw experiencing the same thing I say run and never look back! Do what you have to do to ensure that your income and hard work will go into providing for you and your family now and in the future. Don’t be fooled by anyone in your family’s sob stories. Trust me, if you don’t give them the money they will find a way…..or not. Don’t feel guilty. Any acts of kindness are interpreted as weakness by the deviant Black underclass. One of the greatest tragedies Black people have done is to reduce all of their relationships and blood ties into pimping them for money. In addition to OOW, this behavior drives functional family members to move away and the underclass is left with only the predators that have nowhere to go. Of course this is not all Black people but ENOUGH of them are to be a drain on productive Black folk. I would say the majority of Black folk fit this model to some degree. Don’t associate with them.

      • Lynn ,

        You’re welcome!

        You said, “If there are any other young bw experiencing the same thing I say run and never look back! Do what you have to do to ensure that your income and hard work will go into providing for you and your family now and in the future. Don’t be fooled by anyone in your family’s sob stories. Trust me, if you don’t give them the money they will find a way…..or not. Don’t feel guilty. Any acts of kindness are interpreted as weakness by the deviant Black underclass. One of the greatest tragedies Black people have done is to reduce all of their relationships and blood ties into pimping them for money.” (emphasis added in bold)

        THIS right here above!!! That’s another dynamic I’ve seen among far too many AA families, and I’m talking about ostensibly working-class and middle-class AA families: The predatory relatives spend their own money on toys and vacations, but somehow feel entitled to tap into responsible female relative’s hard-earned money to buy the necessities they chose not to provide for themselves when they bought their toys.

        I’ll also add something I mentioned in this post.
        http://muslimbushido.blogspot.com/2014/01/basking-in-victory-of-bwe_12.html

        Striving AABW need to understand that they’re often living in an “Oliver Twist” scenario with Oliver Twist-level problems waiting in the wings. Meanwhile, Carefree Becky is living out an episode of “Friends.”

        As Karen said in her comment below, ” The reality is that “Becky has to work her fingers to the bone” to end up in the situation that most AA BW must deal with as standard operating procedure.”

  50. —Since most AA women are silent about this sort of stuff, each individual AA woman who has these sorts of issues is often left feeling like she’s the only one who has a mother that’s not in her corner. And who can’t be trusted. With no practical food for thought as to how she might handle the situation. And, as with everything else, the conventional wisdom does not necessarily apply to the type of situations that many AA women are facing.—

    Thank you SO MUCH for sharing. This eerily hits home because so much of your mother’s script resembles my mother’s script. And I’m sure this resembles the relationships a LOT of BW have with their mothers, for which there is no real foundation for help and dealing.

    Because too many BW are stuck in a process of guilt, shame and most detrimentally (IMO) approval-seeking from destructive relationships.

  51. Formavitae, re:

    “I was DISMAYED to read about Rice’s wife blaming the media for destroying Rice’s opportunity and THEIR happiness. Finally, society had acknowledged the abuse against a BW and taken steps to penalize the offender. Then, said BW rails out in disappointment, against her defenders.”,/i>

    Many people will say Rice’s wife is stupid or a typical battered woman, but the fact is that by this time, she’s actually damaged beyond repair. This is not a put-down. Many AAs (as well as others) ARE damaged beyond repair and no human being can actually put the pieces back together again. Only divine intervention (God, by whatever name) can make a difference in the life of Rice’s wife and bw of that type. Most people view them as stupid, but life has driven them crazy by the countless poisonous messages they’ve received, the lack of support, the lack of assigning their personhood any value, etc. The sad part though is that most other AAbw will also be painted as being as “stupid” as her because MANY AAbw’s behavior is actually similar to hers in –“standing by their (no good/DBR) man.” AAbw have EARNED the reputation for being like that.

    “I also agree that fruitless individuals need to be pointed out and labeled as what they TRULY are. I think another issue with this is AA’s reluctance to classify a person (particularly BM) as having no value.”

    Yes, I know that AAblacks are maniacs about making excuses for “da po bm.” I know that even if a bm is a serial killer, some AAblacks will still try to hunt and peck to find the positive in him. For ex., drug dealers are actually a type of serial killer, so black drug dealers are serial killers. Typical whites are willing to roast alive a white drug dealer who sells drugs to white kids but many black folks will make excuses for a black MALE drug dealer who they KNOW is selling drugs to black kids!!!! There are certain indicators that tell me that black folks who subscribe to the black construct are GONERS and that’s one of them.

    I hope that no bw reading this will have children IF she, as a parent, won’t be able to tell her children in an UN-PC way that some black folks (as well as others) are NO GOOD–and explain all the reasons why they’re no good. This is critical vetting prep knowledge. As a parent, you OWE it to your child to protect your child, and your child is counting on you, the parent, to do that. LOTS of AAbw would make “better choices” in selecting males IF AA adult women were to tell them the unvarnished TRUTH about many of the bm surrounding them. These young women may argue and act like they won’t listen (just like I did when I was a teen–LOL) but you STILL need to tell them because once you tell someone something, they won’t forget it. LOL! No, it won’t stop some of them from wallowing with garbage, but it will make a difference with SOME of them and gradually, this will get through to more and more of them.

    I’m NOT saying that AAbw should ever get on the internet or in public forums and talk about men in an UN-PC or coarse way because it violates the decorum expected in public spaces and will boomerang back on that woman and women of her group since that’s viewed by many as unladylike. But this needs to be done AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE in less-public or private spaces. This is what saved me. My mother and grandmother were far from perfect but when it came to dealing with males/men, they did NOT mince words. They didn’t believe in giving a man a chance to bring them low. And at this point, I can say that EVERYTHING they told me about men and people in general proved to be the overwhelming truth.

    Trust me–women in other groups get these kinds of messages across to most of the younger women in their groups and they don’t use a billion words. As a matter of fact, I’m going to talk to my Iranian friend about this issue and ask her to be precise about how this is handled among Iranian women and their daughters.

    If you keep a young black child away from the garbage in your family and social circle or POINT OUT the garbage (and we’ve all had trash around us at some point) and tell a young black girl from the time she enters school: “Don’t spend any time with the ZEROS,” she will actually put that into practice–because no one wants to be associated with zeros.

    Parents should have ongoing discussions with their children about the zeros. This is what my ex-husband and I did.

    Some youth won’t pay attention and will go under, no matter what. But many more would be more careful and not go under IF adults would tell them the unvarnished truth.

    However, realistically speaking, I also know that lots of AA women won’t be truthful with their daughters and other young bw BECAUSE these adult women themselves wallow with garbage and refuse to face the truth about their own no good choices..

  52. Gina, about your question re why AAbw are not likely to even try to re-enter a serious relationship or marry, I totally agree with Khadija when she says:

    “Truth be told, historically most AA marriages were bad ones in terms of meeting women’s emotional needs.”

    I’ve known many AA women in my age range who did marry (since we were EXPECTED to marry at relatively young ages and men also were expected to marry) but these women experienced: crushing disappointment, infidelity, a lot of EMOTIONAL as well as some physical abuse, substance-abusing husbands, destroyed credit, intense pressure to be mules/heavy lifters, etc. in their marriages, but they don’t usually talk openly about the details because it would sound like they’re blasting “da po bm” ex-husbands, so they remain SILENT, full of shame, and single/alone. The emotional abuse is really terrible in the cases I”ve known about because it robbed the woman of her confidence as a woman (if she ever had any) and makes her tend to doubt men in general. Having the trust violated and being called “ugly” “fat” “stupid” repeatedly by a man who’s taken vows before God to love and cherish you takes a toll on a woman, especially since she doesn’t usually have others who will openly disagree with his view of her. She usually has NO ONE to talk with about what she’s experiencing since she’s ashamed and will be blamed for “not being woman enough” to hold on to the man.

    Many AAbw deal with a lot of SHAME. Whew! They won’t ever reveal, except maybe to a therapist, some of the shameful things they allowed a man to do to them. This is actually the KEY reason I decided not to become a licensed therapist. While I was at NYU’s grad school training to become a therapist, I heard WAY too much from my clients. I switched my major! LOL!

    Many AAbw (and maybe many women in general) definitely cannot defend themselves against the EMOTIONAL abuse from emotionally abusive men. If a woman is beaten down emotionally, she’s easy to control. This is why most abusive men will first work on a woman emotionally to weaken her.

    How many of us would want to put ourselves in the position of going through that again?

    • —How many of us would want to put ourselves in the position of going through that again?—

      So this I pose to both you and Khadija (sorry for misspelling your name previously, there’s no edit button):

      With that being the case, what’s the solution? I ask this because I don’t necessarily see indications that this stopped with that generation, I still see it happening. They didn’t necessarily go on to live a “prosperous” or “healthy” single life. TBH, most of them ended up over-reliant upon their daughters (bc the expectation is not usually of the sons, though it DOES happen if they have groomed a “mamas boy”) to fill the role that would have normally been filled by a spouse. For example, living with their daughters, as roommates, even when it’s not financially necessary, thereby stunting their daughters’ ability to marry.

      • Gina,

        You asked, “With that being the case, what’s the solution? I ask this because I don’t necessarily see indications that this stopped with that generation, I still see it happening.”

        The solution for WHOM? Whose solution? Because more than a few of these co-dependent AA mother-daughter situations are zero-sum games. Especially the Mommy As Perpetual Roommate scenario if living expenses are dependent on both parties being there in the home.

        For the daughters, the solution is to detach from their mothers to the extent that’s necessary to maximize the odds of having a healthy, abundant life as an adult. How easy or difficult that is in terms of the amount of resistance one’s mother gives depends on how needy and/or demanding one’s mother is. I didn’t have problems with that because my mother basically ignored me once I became college-aged. Except to say hyper-critical things when things were going well with me. And to silently watch me flounder—with what always felt to me like a degree of satisfaction—whenever I had difficulties. Her attention and emotional energy was invested in my brother and my cousins. So, she wasn’t trying to cling to me or hold me back from anything.

        By contrast, I’ve seen many situations with other AA women whose mothers hang around their necks like anvils holding them back. Some of these type of mothers will accept their adult daughter moving on with life when they see the daughter is determined to do so with or without their approval. Other types of mothers have to be escaped from under the cover of darkness. [Because if this second type of mother knows of their daughter’s escape/abundant life plans, that mother will actively sabotage those efforts.]

        So, in my view, “the solution” depends on each case-by-case situation.

  53. I can relate to what a lot of what some of you were saying about not getting good advice from your mothers. The advice that she gave me growing up was to keep my head down, study, go to college, and then go to professional school. I forgot to add go to church because everyone’s problems in life can be solved if they just go to church and pray. This is about the only valuable advice my mother gave me growing up. My mother is a physician, but not once did she ever sit me down and talk to me about sex. The only advice that she gave me on that subject was a 1-minute snippet about how I can get pregnant even if a guy just places his private parts inside of me only a few seconds, so it’s best to wait until I get married to have sex. No mention of condoms, birth control, or STDs. Thank God, I was surrounded by classmates whose parents gave them comprehensive sex education, so I was exposed to the necessary and vital health information that I needed. I also didn’t get much emotional support from my father because he was and still is emotionally unavailable and left all the child rearing to my mother. My father is a professor, but I can’t recall him sitting down with us to help us with our homework while we were growing up. The main and only motivator that father used to get us to “behave” was verbal and physical abuse, and my mother could barely stand up for herself, so she just stood by and let my father handle us anyway he wanted to. Many people hear about my parents’ professions and assume that I had the easy life. The reality is that I grew up in very dysfunctional family where my parents were unable to provide the support that their children needed because of the turmoil within their marriage. Honestly, my siblings and I have had to fight to ensure that we develop into emotionally and mentally healthy individuals.

    Anyways, the point is my mother can’t offer any advice on the subject of finding a suitable partner or building a strong marriage because she hasn’t accomplished any of these things herself. She hasn’t learned to change and flip her own scripts, so she can’t help me. I have had to figure a lot of stuff out on my own, and I suspect that is the case for a good number of black women, which is sad. A lot of us are entering the dating scene, or life in general, with few insights because our parents have failed to educate us about the basics. I believe that some of the resentment may come from the fact that they may feel like we have had an easier way in life. My parents often tell my siblings and I that we should have absolutely no complaints about our upbringing because we had more luxuries than they did growing up in Africa. My mother even told me one time when I was voicing my disappointment in my childhood that I could have had a prostitute or a drug addict for a mother, so I should stop complaining. They feel like it is okay to let us flounder because we have some “advantages” that they don’t have.

    Graduating from college and working prior to professional school was the best decision I ever made. It allowed me to become financially independent and get out from under the thumb of my parents. I was able to make my own decisions, explore new interests, and form new relationships. My new found independence also allowed me to flip the script with my parents. I was able to accomplish a lot of goals and milestones in my life during that time without seeking their help or approval, which made me realize that I don’t have to let my parents control my life. My relationship with my parents is getting better not because they have changed, but because I’ve changed the way that I interact with them. I know certain scripts will come into play when certain topics are brought up, so I avoid those topics. Insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting the different results. There are other family members who are more reasonable about certain topics (i.e. dating, sex, marriage, etc.) and who I can seek out when I need advice on certain issues.

  54. The post above was my deep and heavy post. This post is my lighthearted post.

    I agree with what other posters have said about the need to be proactive about dating in your early to late 20s if you want to be married. I go out, but I tend to go out with a gang of girlfriends. Recently, I have been going to more events by myself, and I’m also working up the nerve to go to some of the local, trendy bars for a drink by myself during happy hour. I’ve noticed that my friends and me tend to complain a lot about the lack of dating options at school or online, but we do a piss poor job of actually doing anything about it. We stay home, but then complain about not meeting people. Yes, we are busy with school, but we can definitely set aside 1-2 hrs/wk for a social activity unrelated to school. If you can lay on the couch at home and watch TV, then you can definitely make time to hit the town.

    These last few months, it was like I had an epiphany. I was like I need to force myself to go out and meet new people because there is too much going on in this town for me to sit at home. I’ll invite my friends to come, but if I can’t get anyone, I still attend the event by myself. This was the same strategy that I used to build my social circle when I moved to another state for my job and how I met a lot of the guys that I dated after college. Hopefully, it works again. I was also toying with the idea of using a matchmaking service if I can find a reputable one in my area/region.

    • Not everyone will agree with this, but this is my POV:

      The idea of a “meet cute” that evolves into marriage is pretty much a creation borne of movies and books (IMO) and is not the most common path to marriage. I’m not sure where the idea came from that the way to find a partner for marriage is a result of “getting out and meeting guys” because this is actually not a common way that MARRIED couples meet (it is a common way to meet for coupling but mostly for short-term or primarily sexual relationships).

      If you are serious about finding a husband, you need to follow the paths that produce the most marriages, to the extent that they are accessible and/or comfortable to you.

      • Gina said, “If you are serious about finding a husband, you need to follow the paths that produce the most marriages, to the extent that they are accessible and/or comfortable to you.”

        Can someone PLEASE explain where those paths are for those of us 35+ years old and want a quality, marriage-minded man? I understand that dating men from global village is a path. However, I’m referring to actual places/opportunities to meet these men (besides a bar or at work. I don’t care for the former and the latter has yet to work for me). I’m trying online dating without much success. I’m talking about strategies here, of WHERE to position myself.

        Can the women that are successfully married share “where/how” they met their husbands? Was it platonic first? Blind date? Fix up? Met at an event? What event? Did it help to travel?

  55. Gina, I know personally of 2 mother-daughter relationships that fit a similar profile, but the mother and daughter in each of these relationships appear to be co-dependent. This means the daughters are living off a share of the mother’s financial and practical resources since the daughters are baby-mamas with 1-3 children and NEED another income and practical help with their children. Therefore, these mothers use their income from her job, savings, or pension/social security to supplement the daughter’s income and function as a co-parent. The mothers of these women also derive emotional benefits in that they derive a sense of security and have family life with their adult daughters and grandchildren in their lives. This relationship with their daughters prevents them from living life alone and having no one to count on in case of illness. They function as the baby-daddy for their daughter’s children in ALL ways. These mothers are professional AAbw women who experienced disappointment in their past marriage. They gave up trying to re-marry a LONG time ago though one of them has a “gentleman friend” who is a ‘friend with benefits.’ She can’t depend on him for anything other than that.

    I also know of 2 father-daughter relationships of this type where these two daughters (who are baby-mamas) are having their income supplemented by their fathers earnings, savings, or retirement income. Interestingly, these 2 fathers have remarried (since it’s men who ask women to marry). However, the new wives are partial caretakers of their husband’s grandchildren. One of these women hates her husband daughter and this causes many problems in their marriage. The other wife seems to be okay with the arrangement.

    I don’t know of any mothers or fathers who CAN depend on their daughters in the way you describe.

    I wanted to re-marry and I did, but that’s because my first marriage was a successful relationship–though we dissolved the marriages since we had different goals for the future. My ex-husband and I will always be good friends and he’s remarried too. I also wanted to re-marry because I wanted a partner with whom I could share my life in all kinds of ways as I got older. I’m not the type who’d ever want to live dependently on my children in ANY way.I love my sons, but I’d never want to live day-in, day-out mingling with them. No one knows what the future may bring, but I’ve done everything in my power to prevent that from happening.

    There is no longer any pressure on AAbw to marry or re-marry. I’ve talked with men who don’t believe that AAbw even want to get married since most AAbw will not OPENLY admit they want marriage. Many also don’t prepare, and position themselves to get married or re-marry. This preparation might include not having children OOW (for younger women), getting therapy (at any age), becoming fit, broadening themselves in all kinds of ways, etc. Also, the bulk of AAbw are STILL viewing bm as their only option for mating/marriage/re-marriage. IOW, they pursue a lose-lose long-term relationship strategy.

    And as I’ve pointed out for years, many AAbw seem to pursue life in a sequential manner rather than in a simultaneous/concurrent way. I don’t believe that most of us have enough time to live an interesting, full life if we do it in a sequential way, so I believe in doubling and tripling up. LOL For ex., between the time I was 18 and 24, I had dated a LOT, like at least once a week. By the time I was 24, I was fully ready for marriage. I’d done all kinds of partying (since lots of young folks did that in those days), and I’d done lots of inside-the-country traveling, and had a wide variety of social experiences. I was cautious but I believed in trying anything once if it interested me. I did all of this socializing and experimenting WHILE I was in college and grad school or simultaneously/concurrently. Likewise, I got married and had my first child WHILE I was in grad school.

  56. —since most AAbw will not OPENLY admit they want marriage.—

    I know. It bothers me to see so many women (who clearly want marriage) not admit to wanting marriage out of ego or not wanting to appear “weak” or “needy” as though it is a sign of strength. And… self-fulfilling prophecies and all of that.

    —And as I’ve pointed out for years, many AAbw seem to pursue life in a sequential manner rather than in a simultaneous/concurrent way.—

    Excellent point.

    —They gave up trying to re-marry a LONG time ago though one of them has a “gentleman friend” who is a ‘friend with benefits.’ She can’t depend on him for anything other than that.—

    I remember a few years back when it became news about the rapidly rising STD rates in the over 50/60 population.

  57. APA, re:

    “Anyways, the point is my mother can’t offer any advice on the subject of finding a suitable partner or building a strong marriage because she hasn’t accomplished any of these things herself. She hasn’t learned to change and flip her own scripts, so she can’t help me. I have had to figure a lot of stuff out on my own, and I suspect that is the case for a good number of black women, which is sad. A lot of us are entering the dating scene, or life in general, with few insights because our parents have failed to educate us about the basics.”

    It seems that you’re saying your mom just didn’t have anything else to give you since she wasn’t accomplished in the relationship area herself?

    I say this because my adult sons have asked me: Why I didn’t tell them how women REALLY are? LOL! I can remember being dumbfounded by that question because the question seemed to imply I had deliberately withheld vital information from them about women.

    They weren’t angry or resentful, but we talked about that for a long while and they told me that I’d given them the impression that women in general were like me and a few of my close friends who they call “Auntie” whereas they’d discovered that (younger) women are very different than I’d led them to believe. After discussing the topic, the conclusion was that times have changed and the younger generation has changed with the times. But I felt terrible about that for a while and felt I’d shortchanged them, or had indirectly/inadvertently led to believe faulty information. But I also knew I told them what I KNEW. I certainly hadn’t WITHHELD any information from them about women. I would definitely rather fall on a sword any day than to try to sabotage my sons in any way.

    By reading some of the comments here, I was reminded of that question of theirs.

    On the sex front, my grandmother was a churchy woman so she NEVER talked to me about sex! Left up to her, I’d still be a virgin. LOL! However, my mother was very frank and detailed when she talked to me about sex. She told me to always, always, always protect my body when dealing with a man sexually, to never allow a man to mishandle my body. She also stressed that I should vet men and never, ever depend on ANY man to protect me from pregnancy, no matter what he said. That being stressed, she said I should enjoy myself sexually with a man AND expect him to have the consideration and skills to make sure I enjoyed myself. The idea was to give as good as I got in the sexual relationship IF I was with a man who SHOWED consideration and caring.

  58. I am learning so much from the comments here.

    Many of the stories of these bad relationships between BW mothers and daughters mirrors stories I have heard from WW friends about THEIR mothers. Many WW that I know have told me how their mothers hated them, one said that her mother had never even seen her own grandchildren because she resented her daughter so much. I had a roommate in college some 30 years ago whose father refused to pay for her college unless she took the courses HE picked for her (courses she did poorly in because being an English major wasn’t her thing).

    Many of those women were either alcoholics, mentally ill (clinical depression/bipolar), or never wanted to get married and have children in the first place. I have a WM friend whose mother and father detest him, so much so they kicked him out of the family, why? Because he’s not what THEY wanted him to be (a priest).

    I think the reason WW might have better marriages is because in this society, WW are still seen as the ideal, therefore more men want to marry them, therefore they have more choices in men; a lot of it is a numbers game, WW’s odds are better.

    I think that if BW want to marry, they need to know who THEY are; not what the BC says they should be, but who they are, what they like to do, what books they like to read, what movies they like to see, what type of career they would like to have. You have to be a good partner before you can partner up with someone. Too many times BW feel they have to fit into the tiny box labeled “Black Woman”, a box the BC tries to push us in.

    As for the “helping professions,” if it’s in a BW to go for a career in those professions, then go for it. BUT, only if it’s in you. Don’t go into teaching or social work just because your community, your parents, your church thinks that’s “honorable.” Some people are naturals at helping, others are natural at high finance, others are great in business.

    And something that my parents did teach me (thank God), always be able to make your own way, have your own support system. You may marry the most wonderful man in the world, but in life, stuff happens. I once knew a WW who was in a relationship with a WM for decades; he went through a traumatic event and completely changed; went into a dark place and never came out of it. She would have lost her mind had it not been for her support system.

    • —As for the “helping professions,” if it’s in a BW to go for a career in those professions, then go for it. BUT, only if it’s in you. Don’t go into teaching or social work just because your community, your parents, your church thinks that’s “honorable.” Some people are naturals at helping, others are natural at high finance, others are great in business.—

      I’m going to attach a whole bunch of caveats to this:

      Try your hardest to avoid getting a degree in a helping profession unless it’s one that is historically known to pay very well. If it’s for you, evaluate whether it’s truly for you, and not a result of social and cultural conditioning. Just because you are natural at helping doesn’t mean you need to make it a career, and even if you do make it a career, it doesn’t mean you need a degree in that field explicitly.

      Why? We are more likely to take on student loan debt. When that study came out about the net wroth of black women being so low (even degreed career women) what didn’t get as much attention are high levels of student loan debt coupled with lower paying careers (racism, sexism and demand).

      We’re too SOFT on this as BW. Asians are not. This is why they are winning and outpacing even Whites. The Tiger Mom mentality has merit, but people think that’s “mean”.

      Upthread I wrote about how women were shuttled into the workplace because their labor was needed. I also wrote that there is a shift in favor of STEM, because economically this is where our country is evolving– into a leading knowledge-based economy. This has been the case for some time– look where all the business growth is focused (a lot of it is in tech and bio tech). Economically, and industrially, the USA has lost a lot of “lead” in segments, but one thing this country is well known for producing– that is extremely difficult to replicate– is innovation.

      Everybody sitting around like “science majors aren’t for everybody, I really want to be a social worker” will be the next underclass workforce. If you must teach– STEM, not Kindergarten. Because what’s going to happen is that will STAY a pink collar ghetto with constant complaints about not getting “paid what they are worth”. You are going to see more and more instances of people with science degrees (as in some degrees are a bachelor of science not a bachelor of arts) be recruited into teaching (given preference over those w degrees in childhood education) by having their tuition paid or student loans forgiven as long as they are teaching STEM subjects, while those who wanted other degrees struggle financially with their loans, tuition and wages. Because we HAVE to churn out more STEM oriented students.

      We import nurses from the Philippines because we don’t put enough through the system. Nursing is HARD. It’s not the helping profession people think it is. As such there is a disparity with black “nurses” as most are actually CNAs and not RNs.

      A Filipina who wants to come to America will get a nursing degree, no matter what she actually WANTS to do. This is why they graduate a disproportionate number of Nurses. We cannot AFFORD to sit around talking about “what comes natural” or we will be displaced and shuttled into lower and lower paying careers.

      Now, the other point… about majors. If you study a “feminine” major, when you’re likely to spend a good portion of your waking day focused around school. Who are you going to meet? WOMEN. It’s more strategically advantageous to study a male dominated, or gender balanced, discipline. But that won’t be for long, as more women are being shuttled into STEM because it’s NECESSARY.

      It’s not going to hurt you. Suck it up. It may not be your passion, so what, a lot of people end up working in other fields than the one they got their degree in, but a more “in demand” degree is better backup plan than the one you loved.

      Play to win, not to tread water.

      • ^^I 100% concur. My degree is in a STEM field. My field is and was male-dominated. I have been self-employed for quite some time now and the industries I specialize in are also technical and WM male dominated.

        The benefits back then were that I was able to pay off my student loan very fast and was exposed to a large pool of eligible men. Now, it has enabled a career that has continued to provide me with opportunities along with a very good network of primarily WM who have provided business opportunities.

        I had originally wanted to go into medicine but after doing the math (as I had to finance my own education via scholarships and student loans), I calculated a better ROI with my chosen field of study.

    • neurochick,

      You said, “Many of the stories of these bad relationships between BW mothers and daughters mirrors stories I have heard from WW friends about THEIR mothers. [ ] . . . I think the reason WW might have better marriages is because in this society, WW are still seen as the ideal, therefore more men want to marry them, therefore they have more choices in men; a lot of it is a numbers game, WW’s odds are better.”

      Respectfully, I’m going to have to say a big “NO” to all of this. Because Becky’s context is totally different from AA women’s context.

      Unlike AABW, White Woman Becky comes from a functioning collective, so she doesn’t have to be savvy in the first place in order to marry well and live well. In order to live well in general, all Becky needs to do is cooperate with the comfort zone that WM have collectively created for her.

      Secondly, Becky has multiple layers of community and institutionalized safety nets to catch her (and ensure that she lives well) when, for whatever reasons, her mother doesn’t give her helpful guidance.

      In addition to WM forming Becky’s safety net, men of color in general and BM in particular ALSO function as Becky’s safety net. WW know that employed AA males (and high-income AA males in particular) are a husband resource for them in the event that they can’t snag a suitable WM.

      Meanwhile, as a collective, AA women and girls generally have:

      NO safety net;
      NOBODY positioned to catch them when they fall;
      NOBODY who’s in their corner;
      NO reliable, trustworthy source of guidance;
      NO functioning community/collective; and
      NO cultural narrative that centers THEIR experiences (which is why I disagree with responses to AA women’s predicament that essentially say “Becky’s also got challenges—no, she doesn’t. Not anything like what AA women and girls are dealing with).

      So, I would never compare Becky’s concerns to AA women’s concerns. Becky doesn’t have any serious, intractable problems. Collectively, WM have made sure of that.

      • Thank you Khadijia for pointing out that disparity in comparing AAbw with Becky.

        Very powerful and much needed NUANCE separation in your reply!!! And this gem*:

        “…all Becky needs to do is cooperate with the comfort zone that WM have collectively created for her. ”

        No AAbw here can ever argue with this gem! *When a piece of wisdom is beautiful and shines against the darkness of voluntary or involuntary ignorance one must honor and point out the value.

      • I thought that was what I said, a WW from a dysfunctional family has a better chance of marry well than a BW from a dysfunctional family because the WW is held as the ideal. I guess I should have added that she has the worldwide support that BW don’t. i.e. safety net, protection etc.

        I guess the point is this: I once knew a WW who had trouble getting a job, she had never been to college; I told her that if she could get a haircut, take the nose ring out, put on a suit and be taken more seriously than I could, even if I had a degree from Harvard.

  59. Hah, I wanted to share that I got schooled on “finding your passion.” I was told that finding your passion is great, but you still have to eat. “If you want to help, volunteer.” About 20 years ago, I did volunteer work at some AIDS organizations, and most of the women there were upper middle class WW, so there you go.

    Years ago the son of a friend went to college and majored in acting. Another male friend of ours, a BM who owns his own business said, “if he wants to act, then he can do it on the weekends; he should have majored in something he can actually do.”

    My friend said, “if white people who have safety nets and protection are telling their children not to get liberal arts degrees because they can’t find jobs, then black folks can’t afford to “find their passion” when it comes to making money, look for something that will pay and do your passion on the weekend.”

    • In addition, people from functioning communities are getting their needs met, so they do not require a “meaningful” job in a helping profession in order to feel good about themselves.

  60. “So, I would never compare Becky’s concerns to AA women’s concerns. Becky doesn’t have any serious, intractable problems. Collectively, WM have made sure of that.”

    Exactly, Khadija! And I get SO tired of discussions about ANY situation/problem/plague that’s ripping AAs to pieces when usually an AA person will say: “This is happening among whites too,” and that’s whether the discussion is about bw having OOW children, bw pumping gazillions into buying other peoples’ hair, bw not getting married, bw delaying having children, bw’s eating disorders, bm abandoning their children or being deadbeat dads, black students failing academically, bm sagging, etc. I’ve been in countless discussions with AAs and it’s guaranteed for a magical thinking black person to throw in the “white-people-do-it-too” (WPDIT) gambit, which some of them use to SILENCE the talk about what bw or bm are foolishly or destructively doing or cause confusion.

    This is similar to the “orphaning precept” practice that Halima has described because it “waters down” and distorts the problematic situation so much until it ceases to look like the poison it actually is.

    Whites have HEGEMONY! AAs need to be forced to read and dissect what hegemony means.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cultural_hegemony

    And hegemony is the CULTURE of whites around the globe. It binds them because it works so well for THEM and enables them to maintain their dominant position. Mostly ALL whites practice this CULTURE to a greater or lesser extent and ALL of them benefit from it, just like most males practice sexism to a greater or lesser extent. It’s undeniable that this CULTURE of HEGEMONY has been totally wonderful to whites. Magical thinking blacks believe that IF they whine and complain long enough and pitifully enough or protest and riot, that whites will give up hegemony to avoid being seen as “de evil white folks” by blacks. Well, LOL!!!!!! Not going to happen EVER.

    And even when whites become a minority, they will still maintain their HEGEMONY. And I point that out because perpetually surprised, magical thinking Negroes believe that as the numbers of whites go down in the U.S. that their power will shrink. Just WOW! This level of naivete is flabberghasting!
    This is NOT going to happen. Minorities control majorities all over the world 24-7-365.

    In order to move up and maintain the position in the social, economic, and political hierarchy, EVERY group must have a CULTURE. AAs refuse to accept that, so they do all they can to obfuscate and blame their failings on racism and everything else but their magical thinking and the behavior this produces.

    Nothing I say is meant to offend anyone here but we MUST start telling the unvarnished truth. I’ve always preferred the unvarnished truth.

    So, I also don’t mean to offend anyone here when I state emphatically that in 2014, “AAs DO NOT have a culture.” Magical thinking AAs refuse to face this, let alone make the required commitment and sacrifices needed to begin to build or reconstruct a culture or even powerful organizations. Instead, they whine. AAs will continue to be perpetually surprised and picked off one-by-one because that’s what always happens to solo birds who bury their “brains” in the sand.

    • You are correct about hegemony, that’s what happened in South Africa. Whites were a majority, yet they still ruled. Culture is what binds people together. If you’re the member of a culture and meet someone else from that same culture, BAM, it’s like an instant bond. That is very true.

      It’s always great to learn things I don’t know and I learn a lot here. I have to remember that things are WAY different than they were 30 + years ago when I was in college. Back then college was affordable and if one became a teacher you weren’t saddled with a six figure student loan debt. Right now it doesn’t pay to be a teacher unless your family has money.

      And Gina’s right, STEM is the way to go. I used to put job descriptions in “Science” magazine, way back in 2005 or so, and most of the CV’s came from China, then India, Eastern Europe, Western Europe, Ghana, Nigeria, Kenya and lastly the USA.

  61. Another thing is that a number of folks have sent me the article about a bw actress (Daniele Watts) MARRIED to a wm who was detained by police for kissing/being affectionate with her white husband in public since she was mistaken to be a prostitute by a white cop.

    http://www.forharriet.com/2014/09/actress-daniele-watts-wrongfully.html?m=1

    So before anyone else sends me this link, let me also point out ONCE AGAIN that this among other reasons is why I’ve often told bw they need to build and maintain THEIR OWN networks and organizations — NO MATTER WHO THEY MARRY. Back in 2007, I started writing about AAbw and other bw in the U.S.forming a strong nationwide organization and ONE of its purposes would have been to combat the negativity in the media about ALL bw among other problematic situations.
    The negative image of bw in the media greatly devalues the personhood of ALL bw.

    But many AAbw are obviously STILL betting they can get bm to protect them when the fact is that in 2014, it’s numerous AAbm who are the chief culprits in putting the negativity in media about black women or supporting it with their silence or nonchalance. Remember that SILENCE is interpreted as CONSENT or at the very least, a lack of concern.

    I’m a REALIST. Even though I’m married to Darren, I know I STILL need to invest in my OWN family, my OWN customized community, my OWN place of refuge because two well-functioning sources of refuge are always better than one. This is why I’ve trail-blazed and worked hard to actualize the notion of intentional communities for like-minded women (people). However, the overwhelming most of the women I’ve encountered so far are not prepared to make the commitment and sacrifice needed to actualize an intentional community. So, I will continue (in writing) to work at erecting and actualizing a well functioning IC in my Butterflitia series (currently being edited).

    Anyway, someone sent me a note this morning saying this couple will seek to have this outrageous situation legally addressed. And I predict that the situation will be satisfactorily resolved, but this will continue to happen because everyone knows by now that bw in the U.S. are most likely solo birds who can be shot at like pigeons at a pigeon shoot and without any repercussions. Neither money nor fame will protect individuals ones of us. Oprah’s experiences should prove that.

  62. “It’s always great to learn things I don’t know and I learn a lot here.”

    Neurochick, we all should feel blessed to learn new things that will prevent us from making the same mistakes. So, just like you, I, too, am thrilled to have something clarified or to learn something new. No matter how raw or ugly reality may be, I want to learn the REAL lesson NOW, so I won’t have to keep repeating it.

    • Evia, yes very true. My mother always says that, “we Black folks were better off during segregation.” Now she doesn’t mean that in the legal sense but in the sense that during segregation, Black people knew what we had to do to survive; we knew the society wasn’t fair and in order to make it in the world, there were a few things that you couldn’t do. Like this: If a white woman gets tattoos all over her body, she’s seen as edgy; if I get tattoos all over my body, it’s ghetto, dangerous. Sam behavior, different races. During segregation Black people knew that.

      Today, Black people, men and women feel, “I’m free, I can do what I want.” But that’s not true, as you said Evia, we don’t have the hegemony, (I call it agency) to do what we want. Now that’s not fair, but that’s the way the world is.

      I have a male friend who is white, and an artist. When he’s low on money he can always get some kind of construction job, why? Because he has relatives in the construction industry, because his nationality had been doing that kind of work for years (he’s Irish). Can a Black person do that? Probably not. So that means a Black person really can’t afford to have a career which can’t make you enough money to live.

  63. Neurochick, while I agree with your mother’s viewpoint, in my opinion, there were already nonrecoverable structural deficiencies in the BC similar to an undiagnosed malignant cancer, once segregation ended, the cancer spread that by the time it was recognized for what it is, it was too late.

    What we did have back then was “racial discipline” and knowing that those who make the rules control them. Practically all of that has been lost… Those of us who still know this typically do not experience the types of issues that Ms. Watts experienced as we would have never “othered” ourselves in the first place or made ourselves an easy target.

    With regards to the “mother-daughter” dynamics that AA BW experience (and the ladies here have shared), I can only concur as I had to “emancipate” myself at 17 and never looked back. The reality is that “Becky has to work her fingers to the bone” to end up in the situation that most AA BW must deal with as standard operating procedure.

    I have built my own “community” (or tribe) with people who share the same values as I do and therefore, am not alone. I can only reiterate what Evia stated and sincerely advise all of us to build those tribes or communities.

    • “What we did have back then was “racial discipline” and knowing that those who make the rules control them. Practically all of that has been lost… Those of us who still know this typically do not experience the types of issues that Ms. Watts experienced as we would have never “othered” ourselves in the first place or made ourselves an easy target.

      I completely agree with this. I just heard about that story this afternoon, and I did notice that in the transcript of the encounter with the cop, it seems that she was the one ‘doing all the talking’. Her boyfriend (I’m not sure if they are married as he was never referred to as her husband), it seems, kept schtum through it all. So someone calls the cops because they believed you were engaging in a lewd act in public (so they both would have been breaking the law), and the officer either asks to see only her ID, or asks them both but she refuses. I kept thinking that (1) why did her partner never feel the need to speak up, instead of leaving her to do it, and (2) why did she feel the need to ‘stand up for herself’ solo, when her partner was right there with her?

      • You have raised very valid questions, if he is her husband than she chose “poorly”. Real men defend their women and it should have been him to do the talking and to manage the situation.

      • The officer asked them both. He complied, she did not. She comes across as wanting to create a cause to stand for.

        Regarding her guy and why he didn’t do anything:

        I think BW have it worse, with this attitude that a man should stand up and protect a woman, no matter her level of participation in creating a negative situation. I believe that decent, modern day men are very aware of this and know better than to risk their life, liberty or livelihood for someone who either created or exacerbated a situation that puts them in harms way.

        I say this so carefully because I don’t want to turn this into “victim blaming” or “degrees of worth” just to point out that protection is not absolute.

        http://www.forharriet.com/2014/09/actress-daniele-watts-wrongfully.html

        • As I stated above, “it should have been him to do the talking and to manage the situation.” meaning she, should have allowed him to handle it.

          Based on what has been stated in the media thus far, it appears that she showed a major lack of racial discipline with the police and had she behaved otherwise (i.e. let her partner handle it), this never would have made the news. If it is true that they were “making out” in a public place, then they both have demonstrated a real lack of judgment.

  64. JaliliMaster,

    On his FB page, it says that he is in an “open relationship with Daniele Watts.” His FB page says nothing about being married, so I’m not sure why For Harriet article refers to him as her husband. As for him being silent, it seems like the police didn’t bother her partner much because he promptly showed them his ID according to his FB post. He probably kept quiet because the police weren’t talking to him and because he probably realized that his talking to/further engaging the police officers may cause the situation to further escalate. The police didn’t waste any time handcuffing and tossing her in the back of the squad car once she refused to show her ID. By staying calm and silent, he was able to keep an eye on her as well as document the situation. He did good by making sure to document the situation with photos and joining her in filing a lawsuit. However, I may be giving him more credit than due.

    I have some thoughts and questions about these types of recent incidents. It seems like every other week that there is a story about a black person being harassed, injured, or killed by the police unjustly. However, there have been few stories about how these incidents have led to any policy changes. This isn’t the Civil Rights Movement where a single incident (i.e. Rosa Parks) can galvanize a whole nation against the injustices faced by people of color. If that were the case, a good number of states would already be discussing and proposing some new legislation. These incidents aren’t being transformed into political victories because there isn’t an organized system in place to support black people when they make the decision to take stand like there was during the Civil Rights Movement. If you refuse to comply with the police and are treated harshly, your story may or may not make the nightly news, and you may or may not have people rallying to around you like they did for Michael Brown’s family. This lack of community support means few or limited resources to demand justice via lawsuits and media campaigns unless you personally have the money or social influence to do so. Basically, if your story doesn’t go viral, don’t count on any support from the BC or mainstream society. I hope that I don’t sound cowardly for asking this, but why risk getting manhandled, injured, or killed for not showing your ID when the collective payoff hasn’t been all that great? I believe in standing up for your rights, but I want people to stand for their rights in ways that are effective and in ways that don’t require more black folks getting manhandled, injured, or killed. Let me go on record and say I believe that the officers were 100% in the wrong and should be punished harshly. I also don’t believe that Ms. Watts deserved the treatment that she received. However, I think people should think about self-preservation first, and then argue about laws, rules, and technicalities once they are out of harm’s (or the police officer’s) way. I just hope that by taking this approach that I am not helping to further erode civil liberties.

    • Also, there are reports that folks called the cops on her and her boyfriend because they were allegedly having sex in a car with the door open. Some audio of the incident has been released. I’m not sure how real it is, but it doesn’t paint her in the best light. From her FB post, I thought she was like, “Sorry officer, but I don’t feel like it is necessary that you ask to see my ID, and it is my right as citizen to decline,” and then big, bad, mean officer handcuffed her and threw her in the car. From the audio, it appears that she was popping off at the mouth, and even prevented her boyfriend from showing her ID to the cops. Near the beginning, you hear her partner say, “I have her passport.” She says a bunch stuff after this. She starts off good and then goes off the rails, talking about her publicist, her father, having the right to “make out” with her boyfriend in public, etc. “Later on, the cop asks her boyfriend, “Can I see her ID?” To this, she replies,”…absolutely not…” She yells a little more, and then tells the officer that she is going to leave, which she does. I think this was the point where she was handcuffed. The audio does have some strong language, but it may be worth listening to it to get some more perspective.

  65. “I think BW have it worse, with this attitude that a man should stand up and protect a woman, no matter her level of participation in creating a negative situation. I believe that decent, modern day men are very aware of this and know better than to risk their life, liberty or livelihood for someone who either created or exacerbated a situation that puts them in harms way.

    I say this so carefully because I don’t want to turn this into “victim blaming” or “degrees of worth” just to point out that protection is not absolute.”

    Gina, I love it that you mentioned this. I was thinking the SAME thing. There are lots of nuances in this situation, but the way a man behaves in this type of situation depends a lot on his background, Man A may quickly or brashly assert himself, step up and do ALL of the talking. Man B may be more of the quiet type who assesses a situation before asserting himself, or takes care of it later, but it doesn’t mean that Man B is any less of a real man. He may be more of the “real” man of the two, depending on how a “real man” is defined. Of course, certain types of bw will only be interested in a Man A type, but Man B will appeal to another slice of bw. Bw are NOT a monolith.

    It’s so critical for women to know what type of man they want, so this strongly relates to bw vetting men and securing a CQLL man. Some bw will get into a relationship with a Man B and criticize him for not being more of a Man A type and some bw will choose a Man A and then try to tone him down.

    I think that SOME bw bring certain needs to the table in a relationship with a man that are not nearly as critical with typical women of other groups. I’m not saying this applies to anyone here, but i think that SOME bw NEED a man to stand up for them in any public situation to prove to THEM and others that he thinks she’s worthy. This is hard work for any man to have to do this constantly! SOME bw NEED a man to stand up for them in public situations to prove that he’s got enough “kick-azz” gumption so that they can feel physically safe around others. Bw like this tend to have been exposed to more scenarios where her worth may have been in question in the past or where physical aggression and verbal attacks may have been typical or a more frequent occurrence than say an Asian woman may have experienced. I’ve met AAbw who would expect a man to get in a cop’s face or any man’s face and if he doesn’t do it, then she consider him a PUNK. I’ve warned my sons to stay far away from women like this!! LOL!

    Sure, I believe that if the cop had physically attacked Daniele, her boyfriend (and we don’t even know whether this was a serious relationship or a 2nd or 3rd date) should have stepped in to do his best to protect her. That is, IF Daniele didn’t provoke the attack. If so, the boyfriend should have restrained her as soon as she started.

    I could go into this at great length, but I can’t here. I will say that in my experience and from my observations over the decades, wm who grow up in more middle class and higher environments are not used to being evaluated on how much “kick-azz” gumption they display in a public or potentially deadly scenario like this. Even if they have it, they are strongly discouraged (based on what I’ve seen) in their upbringing from displaying it in this type of scenario. They get their lawyer and come back later. 🙂 Bm who have kick-azz gumption in this type of scenario are usually applauded by SOME bw and other bm. This is much less-so the case among middle class whites.

    Doesn’t apply to all, but this is exactly a key reason why some wm would steer clear of certain bw. They know that most likely, they won’t live up to her expectations in the “kick-azz” or confrontation area because it goes against the way they’ve been shaped. They see how more than a few bw are aggressive and verbally confrontational–just like in this case with Daniele. Daniele’s behavior definitely doesn’t help our collective image. SMH

    We could just as well ask her why did she do all the talking she did? I’m sure that most of it wasn’t even necessary. If she had answered the policeman’s questions IN AS FEW WORDS AS POSSIBLE and followed her man’s lead and showed the cop her ID, this may have had a very different outcome. You have to choose your battles.

    I received notes saying this is probably a publicity stunt.

    • — I’ve met AAbw who would expect a man to get in a cop’s face or any man’s face and if he doesn’t do it, then she consider him a PUNK. I’ve warned my sons to stay far away from women like this!! LOL!—

      I remember years ago on a pretty level-headed blog with a good comment crowd, the discussion turned to what you would expect “your man” (because it was a BW focused blog) to do if you heard an intruder in the house (like an actual intruder not just noise).

      Even among UMC educated BW, I was surprised at the number who would expect the man to go down into the situation to confront the intruder, probably with a gun or other weapon (IRL we are NOT Liam Neeson in Taken).

      They were completely taken aback when a few of us pointed out that the type of guy who would go “head first” into a confrontation, with a weapon, was likely (not in all or most cases, but just more likely) to have a laundry list of other issues to go along with it. Be careful what you ask for.

      If this was an actual publicity stunt, she should be fined, and she’s stupid for doing it. Casting directors use Google.

  66. Someone just emailed this YT clip. I understand her a lot better now. If she’s being real here, I have to change my view of this whole situation. I applaud some of what she did. But I certainly wouldn’t advise anyone to copy what she did. LOL!

    • Thanks for the video. I can’t support her. I live in California. While I’m not completely aware of all the laws in all the municipalities, I do know that because we are a border state with an immigration “issue” police have more leeway to ask for identification in many areas (if not state wide).

      I just can’t with her.

      Especially since she keeps claiming to be a public figure, standing up for those who may not have a voice, yet keeps citing her CONSTITUTIONAL rights!

    • I was curious so I googled the audio and found a transcript

      http://www.dailykos.com/story/2014/09/15/1329845/-Daniele-Watts-Wasn-t-Detained-for-Prostitution-it-s-Much-Worse-than-That#

      I still can’t with her. I get her point, but my goodness, talk about not knowing the time or the place. Even from the perspective of being concerned about her career, I don’t know how she thought it would be a good move, considering the career ending situations that have happened with (mostly white) actors and actresses when they refused to just SHUT UP!

  67. Re Daniele’s behavior, as someone said in the comments section at that site, this didn’t happen in a vacuum. As a black person, she had reason to be alarmed even though she should NOT have been “making out” in an open car in broad daylight. I don’t know whether this was a publicity stunt as some may believe, but even if it was, Daniele performed an outstanding public service and what she did will help a lot of people. So, I’m proud of her for choosing this particular “stunt.” LOL As a result of her experience, we are all becoming better aware of an alarming trend of people calling the police to “report” others for sometimes petty things. This could happen to any of us. If I don’t particularly like my neighbor, I could call the police and claim they’re disturbing the peace with loud music or something–even though I simply might not like the kind of music they’re playing or may just want to cause them trouble. I didn’t even know that it was nearly that easy to get the police to come because I’ve often read how it is so hard to get the police to come

    I also believe that there are MANY things in life that are more important than a job/career. Trust me–I’ve been there. People who know me know I’ve been willing to leave behind a well-paying professional career with great benefits to maintain my self-respect. Sometimes, for some of us, it’s necessary to take a stand, knowing full well what the consequences will be.

    • I just watched the video, and I agree that it does shed a bit more light on the incident (and IMO, also makes the actress come across much better). However, to any BW reading this, if you are on your own and you encounter the cops, it is best to just show your ID. There was someone else there to video what happened as well as corroborate her story. If that wasn’t the case, things would be quite different for her. I am of the opinion that it is better to have the annoyance of being disturbed by the police, and then suing afterwards, than to get into a ‘situation’ were you could end up hurt, or even dead, and the police can spin whatever version of events that suits them best!

  68. Not on the actresses side. I was on her side until I heard the audio of the actual confrontation. Someone called the cops after she was asked to stop her behavior by occupants at the studio she was parked in front of. When the cops showed up she knew exactly what was going on and why they were being questioned. Listened to the audio her husband/boyfriend and the man on Facebook that says he is in an open relationship hands over ID. Then he was going to hand over her passport and she lost her mind. Crying about her daddy and her “fame.” No one called her a prostitute. She took some ugly cry pics and acted the fool. We don’t have to take the side of every black person that says the cops done them wrong. She needs to take the L and move on.

    • It’s even worse because she tried to use race, and the recent incidents of police brutality/murder, to make herself into someone speaking up “for the people” when her entire platform is based on lies and misdirection.

      She’s currently employed on the show Partners, starring Kelsey Grammer and Martin Lawrence. I would not be surprised if she gets written off very soon.

      This is a mess. And it makes it so much harder for the black woman, who really has a bona-fide issue, to be heard. It’s the worst kind of crying wolf and as a group, we end up paying the price.

      • So true Gina..
        I don’t know what she is thinking. I just saw the TMZ images of her and it shows her in some very not so okay poses. Like her chest exposed and her grinding on his lap with the door open and him using the sun roof for leverage. If, they weren’t f**king it was close enough. Yes, you are right it is no behaving, trash acting bw who will make it near impossible for a bw who has a legitimate complaint against the police.

  69. Regarding Ms. Watts and company. After looking some more into this as it unfolds I have found that the man that she is with may have been eager to give the police what they were asking for due to the fact HE HAS BEEN TO PRISON BEFORE. He may be standing down and letting her take the lead with everything as he has a record. Two they both showed poor judgement in that they put themselves in a situation where they know the police might actually be called in and would question them. I didn’t see anything from TMZ, but I’m not a big t.v. watcher anyway. I hope that young black women don’t follow in her footsteps with such men.

    They both need to rethink their relationships. One why would any man that cares for you if, true have you sexually exposed, two why be with a man who can’t use his voice to protect you due to his bad previous decisions, three why would you pursue this employment killing type of publicity for either party involved. and last is it really worth it playing with crazy police out there.

  70. Also in the news all these football players coming under fire for domestic abuse and abuse in general. I guess these bm didn’t get the message that Becky don’t play that. LOL… I wonder how long before they stop recruiting bm for the NFL all together.

    • I am sure the owners either have or are developing a timetable to replace them with Samoans and Eastern Europeans. It has been done before. Horse racing was sport that was dominated by black jockeys and baseball is already going through a transition with Cubans and other groups.

      Black males’ “day in the sun” is over and they have worked their fingers to the bone to destroy all the chances that their ancestors made possible.

      • Karen:

        You said, “Black males’ “day in the sun” is over and they have worked their fingers to the bone to destroy all the chances that their ancestors made possible.”

        I agree, and it’s sad. BM have no sense of self-preservation. Sports is the one of the few desirable occupations that black folks dominate, yet these men want to throw all that away. These players don’t even take their “jobs” seriously despite all the money that they make. You constantly hear about their escapades involving strippers, groupies, clubs, etc. In addition, many of them are too stupid to even save a penny of their earnings, which is why so many of them are bankrupt after they’ve left league despite earning millions.

    • Soul Alive:

      I wouldn’t even call what they have a relationship. According to her boyfriend’s page, they are in an open relationship. I hope that she is sleeping with just as many partners as her boyfriend. All I will say is that he is getting a major come up due to this relationship. His behind would never gotten the chance to appear on national television if he wasn’t dating her. He gets to be on national television, gain notoriety through his association with her, and sleep with whoever he wants. Sounds like a win-win situation to me that a lot of men would kill for. However, I fail to see what she gains by being with him.

      • Yep this is why it is so important to deal with your issues because she like other damaged women will seek out situations where others are taking advantage of them.

        She may not even realize that she is exposing herself to a very damaging situation and is giving way more than she ever should. I predict that, once he has gotten the most out of this ride he will dump her as being with her is eventually risking jail time and what else is there to gain from her.

        Also, this leaves her with the tarnished reputation that people will long remember her for and he can brush off as what was I thinking as he took the passive roll in all of this. This is something to point out to young black women coming up and how to assess men, situations, and protect ones assets in this case her reputation which is key to her earning potential.

        If, she wises up quickly she could save some face, but a lot of damage is already done. She would need a PR person to help her get this out of the public spot light quickly, separate herself from this guy, and change the conversation around her to something positive. Her next beau or serious date would need to be of much, much better quality too.

  71. Wasn’t a time that the football league was all white? Like in the previous comments,the black men in sports are slowly being replaced. I had said this to my father, he was like no it won’t. Yea, well see. My father was also telling me there was a time that they had black caddies. These white owners who sign these bm checks are sick and tired of these prima donnas and
    Becky, Mei Ling, Carmen not having this mess.These football players are having this sense of entitlement. Basketball is slowing replacing them. Jeremy Lin come to mind and other Eastern European men come to mind. Whites not going to keep investing in players and you are steady making the league look bad. You can’t cry foul because this was at your doing and not the “evil,devil white man”. ,

    • Oh, I didn’t know until someone pointed out to me that Ray Rice was a boxer at one point. So, on two fronts this man at two times in his life was paid to hit people and inflict pain. He knew what he was doing and it is very doubtful that it was hit first time knocking her out.

      If, I was a BM on a football team I would be joining hands with women against domestic violence as that maybe the only was to deflect the sh*t storm approaching. But then again they are not really known for their thinking or making a plan to get out of a gladiator sport intact.

      Never quite understood how we are all to feel sorry for someone who has the opportunity to make millions if, not hundreds of millions and blows it all. Just how many houses, car, and shoes do you need??? I don’t get why they don’t get financial planners, and weed out their social gardens. Why would you hang out with people who have nothing to lose when you have so much to lose. The only thing they will do is bring you down and have you lose your hard earned victory.

      If, you know society judges you harshly due to your hue why make it easy for them? Keep a low profile and make power moves for you and yours. Oh well guess they never learn.

        • Gina,

          You said, “There are a lot of areas of entertainment/sports I think will be “lightened up” because of the way blacks have tarnished it.”

          Oh yes, entire swaths of the entertainment and sports industries will be lightened up and “de-blacked.” Frankly, I don’t care anymore. I don’t care because 95+% of the time the ONLY thing AA males have consistently done with their access to entertainment/sports biz millions is to funnel that money right back to White people, via marriage/shacking up/breeding with White and other nonblack women. As I said in this post:
          http://muslimbushido.blogspot.com/2013/05/follow-money-and-resources-trail-part-2.html

          —-“Negro male entertainers have had access to Hollywood-levels of money for at least the past 45-50 years. The door has been open for BM in showbiz for the past fifty years. But unlike WM in showbiz, negro male entertainers refuse to lift up women from their own race. Once the typical negro male entertainer gets access to Hollywood-level resources, he shuts the door behind himself and “makes it rain” for nonblack women. The typical negro male entertainer does not care – at all – about BW being made invisible or being denigrated in showbiz. Negro male entertainers have never cared about anything that affects BW.

          Judging from their collective actions, negro male entertainers have NO real interest in building an entertainment industry of their own. The vast majority of negro male entertainers also have no real interest in asserting control over any particular niche in showbiz. Whatever AA-created crumbs exist, such as Tyler Perry’s mess, is built from the money spent by AA women consumers. Meanwhile, none of AA women’s money ever works its way back into BW’s pockets.”—-

          The same applies to most negro male professional athletes. Negro male celebrities’ mass transfer of wealth to nonblack women has been going on for GENERATIONS. Even though these same negro males typically depend on BW to be the wind beneath their wings to get their careers off the ground.

          I don’t care about negro male celebrities. I’ll let Becky, Mei Ling, Lupe and the other nonblack women these males prefer be the ones to concern themselves with the ongoing removal of negro males from the American entertainment/sports industries. Or not. My only point of concern in this is that the masses of AA women subsidize their own erasure, denigration, and demise by supporting and worrying about these negro male celebrities.

          A pop quiz for the reading audience: Do YOU continue to buy music or any other products from negro male entertainers like *Maxwell?

          “Take That, Take That: Maxwell Swirls It Up With His Blonde Boo-Thang And Claps Back At Fans Mad That He’s Dating White Women – “Go F**k Yourself!”
          http://bossip.com/816092/take-that-take-that-maxwell-swirls-it-up-with-his-model-boo-thang-and-claps-back-at-fans-mad-that-hes-dating-white-women-go-fk-yourself/

          If so, you’re a fool and you deserve the disrespect that you get from these negroes. Let the Beckys (most of whom are probably unfamiliar with Maxwell’s music, and who certainly were NOT the ones who made his career possible) buy his music.

          [*Of course, Maxwell isn’t the only one. He’s just the first example that came to mind while typing this. The same dynamics apply to the majority of negro male celebrities.]

        • Chicnoir,

          There will be a split between us. Those who wake up and realize and move on and those that insist that it is some else fault never looking to learn from their mistakes or come up with new strategies to stay out of the fray. I’m not saying it’s easy out here and at times they are not gunning for us, but if, you know this don’t act like you’re new to the game. Make it hard for them to get at you make it a war of attrition so, as to deter attacks.

      • I used to feel the same way about athletes and entertainers, who get these rare opportunities and then blow them. It seems that the NFL’s tightened stance on domestic violence has created quite the fallout:

        http://www.cnn.com/2014/09/15/us/nfl-fallout/

        The overwhelming majority of team owners are white. The times you do find a black team owner, for any sport, they are usually a minority owner. I’m sure they absolutely hate paying millions to an African American “thug” no matter what he brings to the game.

        There are a lot of areas of entertainment/sports I think will be “lightened up” because of the way blacks have tarnished it. For example, I find it interesting when blacks complain about “blue eyed soul” taking over R&B. R&B has become so trashy, dominated by shirtless, tattooed, weed smoking BM with raunchy/vulgar lyrics (many of whom would be rappers if they could). OF COURSE the cleaned up images of Sam Smith and Adele are going to dominate the “sound”.

        It will be interesting to see how this impacts sports (because I think it will start to trickle down into other sports outside of football). I wonder if they will start training potential players on conduct OR start factoring character in heavily when recruiting.

  72. Gina and Khadija

    These men just don’t get it.

    A bm acquaintance said to me that they are singling out bm and that he knows wm are guilty of this too on the nfl. He went on and on about this. I sat there and listened and took mental not of what he was saying. I found that one these men don’t give a sh*t about women and specifically bw suffering from abuse inflicted on them by men.

    He qualified his statement by saying that he doesn’t agree with abuse, but he thought the situation wasn’t really about that at all. I said oh really so what is it all about??? That is when he got on the soap box and started on this rant about see that’s the problem black people especially black women can get the issue so clouded.

    He informed me that it was obviously an attack on black men and that if, it was a black woman being abused by a white guy it never would have made the news. That white women are behind this and want to get the black man out and that black women need to step up and do something or black men are going o feel betrayed and one day return the favor by marrying fewer of them. He went on and on like this and other bm were agreeing with him.

    I said wow so maybe all those bm in the nfl married to ww should have a talk with the other ww and tell them to lay off as it was not a bm beating the crap out of one of them. Yeah, maybe bw are blocking your way and should say nothing about bm on this one and y’all should just marry more ww as they’ll have your back cause if, we have more Ray Rice to look forward to maybe bw should be marrying nfl players.I said don’t get me wrong I’m all for a bm getting what he can just ot at my expense. I said yeah maybe these ww are still a little sore or shell shocked over Nicole Simpson i don’t know and don’t really care as the issue isn’t about bm being singles out, but about waking up and choosing better and those that are awake are taking notes and making changes.

    Boy where they pissed afterward as i walked away. It confirmed what both of you have been saying that these men just don’t have a clue and will go on blaming everyone else for their mess and squander away what they have been given. Yeah, let’s see how long Becky,May Ling, Lupe and so will want them when the dust settles. Smarter black women would have moved on by then and be generations away from these dbr bm. No ladies most of these m don’t give a flying fig about your abuse, suffering, or reputation, but want you to solider for them. LOL the nerves to tell me bw better get it together and do for the bm bo men are to do for women first and real men don’t ask women to do such things.They sure in the hell wasn’t asking Becky who is now kicking them straight in the a**.

    • I don’t think ALL of them don’t get it. I’m not even sure that MOST don’t get it.

      –sidenote to make a point: if you’ve ever watched a young child learn language one of the things you have to be mindful of is that they clearly understand what you said. The biggest factor being whether or not they were face-to-face when they picked up the word. So sometimes a child hears the word, but not quite right, and they can go on repeating the word incorrectly unless someone corrects their enunciation. This is emulation without full understanding. If it carries on too long, that child can become an adult and pass along to his/her children a further diluted version of the real word.–

      Many BM operate like this. An attempt to emulate the power of dominant men without fully understanding it.

      Let that sink in.

      I do not believe that all or most don’t get it. I believe they are emulating without understanding. And since BM have no collective power over anyone else but BW and children, they use BW as pawns.

      Because BW are willing to be pawns because they believe if they help him up he will reach back and lift her up.

      “This is an attack on BM” works! I’ve seen far too much outrage coming from BW to fight the fight for fully grown MEN but ignoring the atrocities committed against women and children. IT WORKS. It’s a manipulation, but it’s a manipulation of the worst kind that other men don’t respect because it’s bottom-feeding and not a display of power.

      I think some of those guys, the ones of fewer resources, they do blame WM for their woes. But others, well they know that’s the trumpet call for the sister soldier and they have learned to use the line.

      The biggest strategic play BW have is to simply be INDIFFERENT to their struggles. Or as NYGF puts it, neutral.

      ——–Regarding the NFL:

      This is about to get REALLY interesting because it seems like the NFL is getting like “well since you NEGROES clearly don’t know how to act and have no home training, we need to start teaching you how to behave.” I wouldn’t be surprised if it spilled over into other sports and trickled down into high school sports.

      • The NFL should have done that years ago; the same way Berry Gordy sent his acts to charm school, so they wouldn’t look ignorant when interviewed. Watch films of Motown acts from the 1960’s, listen to how they speak, how they walk, and act. HS sports should have been doing that decades ago.

        • Yes, but there’s a difference btwn the dynamics of sports and music. Berry Gordy’s (and him being black changes the dynamics a bit) artists brought in money (the artists were truly an asset to him). Arguably a lot of these problem creating players don’t specifically bring in money to the team (there are some that do), but rather the team, as a cohesive unit, brings in revenue (so a lot of these problem players are liabilities).

          So there HAS to be resentment coming from white sports team owners having to train (mostly) black men on common sense behavior that most people get from home WHILE ALSO paying them hundreds of thousands to millions of dollars.

          Had these athletes been self-preserving it would have been something they did for themselves to protect their position but far too often you see BM getting “high off their own supply” and thinking nothing can take them down.

          I do think this has cultural implications far outside the NFL. It will be interesting to see where all of it goes.

        • Neurochick,

          However, unlike Barry Gordy, the NFL approach is not going to be about teaching players, but punishing those who step out of line, which is not a bad thing IMO. Some of the behavior that these players are exhibiting (e.g. spousal abuse, child abuse, assault, murder, etc.) can’t be fixed by charm school or professional development classes. These men have deep, behavioral and mental issues that require early intervention during adolescent and teenage years, and honestly, I don’t think that it’s the NFL’s job to make sure that these grown ADULTS behave like decent human beings. The “teaching” will take the form of refusing to sign or continue contractual agreements with players that have past indiscretions during high school, college, or their tenure in the league.

          These problems start early. I went to an SEC powerhouse for undergrad. Let me list a few of the incidents that occurred with some of our football players: robbing other students at gunpoint, getting arrested for selling cocaine, getting into a fight outside a club and shattering a police car window when confronted by the police, brutally assaulting and robbing students for fun, DUIs, and just violating NCAA rules in general. Luckily, the individuals with the most egregious and scandalous offenses were dismissed from the school. However, if the violation can be covered up or ignored, then these players get to continue playing and enter the draft. Most of the players that we hear about in the news have had incidents during their college years that were ignored and swept under the rug because of their talent on the field. The bad publicity that the NFL and NCAA has been receiving has made doing this a liability. As a result, school administrators and team owners are now dismissing players with greater frequency for inappropriate/criminal behavior. Soon, there will be no more Michael Vicks or Ray Lewises.

        • @APA – these are the bitter fruits of the black community ignoring these criminal behaviors and men not policing the behavior of boys and men.

          As far as I am concerned, this is “full circle”. BMs have set themselves on a trajectory that is returning them to “sharecroppers”. Within the prison system they are already slave labour in states that have “chain gangs”.

          They have willfully refused to build anything of their own or to uplift the women and children of their group which is why they are not respected.at.all.

          Smart BW need to keep it moving as the heyday of black athletes, entertainers, etc., has come to an end. I predict we will see a major shift in the makeup of pro sports within the next five years that will have BMs being replaced by other groups of men who behave like normal men and not criminals.

      • “Many BM operate… attempt to emulate the power of dominant men without fully understanding it.

        Let that sink in.”

        WOW Gina, I’m let that marinate.

        They are flexing power without any real power but over BW and children.

  73. Hello ladies

    So I came across these lovely young sisters who play the violin togeather. There names are Chagaux.

    It’s so lovely seeing young Black women doing things besides being mules and rachetts for VH1. These two are doing events for high fashion companies currently.

  74. Karen I totally agree with your last comment. I think we BW should seriuosly tske heed to Evia’s comment about OOWL children. Most of these problem players come from this sort of background. A boy needs a father to make him a man.

  75. “Negro male entertainers have had access to Hollywood-levels of money for at least the past 45-50 years. The door has been open for BM in showbiz for the past fifty years. But unlike WM in showbiz, negro male entertainers refuse to lift up women from their own race.”

    Khadija, as you say, this trend has been going on for decades now and WILL continue at a more rapid rate in the future. I predict that in the next 15 years, the overwhelming most of bm in this country who seriously want a mate and who have the ways and means to get a mate will either be living with or married to a non-bw. I’ve seen this occurring all along, so this is an OLD reality to me. But I can tell from the notes I get and from reading some of the sites aimed at bw, that bw are the last to know this.

    And this makes bw look dumb or slow.

    So, let me state this flatly: Practically EVERY AAbm (and similarly situated bm) who wants a mate and has the ways and means to mate and marry a non-bw IS going to do it–in the coming decades.

    Racism against bw, as perpetrated by black men, is REAL. This is a fact that bw need to squarely face and strategize around it, minus the public teeth-gnashing, screams of shock, weeping and moaning and either snide or hateful comments made about the non-bw with the bm. It really makes bw look SO small when they do that. They only have themselves to blame for continuously supporting, propping up, and FOCUSING their attention on black males in the first place because this is an OLD reality. Of course, nothing is absolute, but the higher up the black man is or will reach in terms of his status, money, talents, skills, education, social fluidity, etc., the greater the probability he is to have the ways and means to mate and marry out. Black men are going to stop even choosing lighter women (or the usual stand-ins for ww; they’re going to go directly to white).

    So, even if we look at the bm who has not yet “arrived,” that’s where he’s going when he gets those ways and means. The overwhelming most of bw should face this and teach their daughters this from a young age and jerk themselves in a completely different direction for mates. As for those bw who are determined to be the wind beneath the wings of black men simply because he’s black should NEVER expect those males to choose a bw who looks black (unambiguously black) as a mate to share his fortune and fame. It’s the difference between their expectations and the reality that causes bw disappointment and shreds their spirit. For ex., lots of bw love and SUPPORT Idris Elba. His current significant other and new baby mama (or wife?) is a white-skinned woman.

    http://www.hellomagazine.com/celebrities/2014041817310/idris-elba-baby-son-winston-elba-born/

    His first wife was a bw from Ghana and he talks in this article about how the marriage broke up because he was broke.

    “Elba said the marriage dissolved when he could not find work and ended up homeless for about two months.
    “I was going through a really tough time some years ago,” he told Britain’s Now magazine. “I couldn’t get an acting job and my marriage was in a horrible place, so I ended up homeless. I slept rough in my brown Chevrolet Astro van for eight weeks.”

    http://rollingout.com/entertainment/idris-elbas-ex-lovers-and-girlfriends/2/

    As we can see, the women in his life became progressively lighter/whiter as he became more successful. Naturally, his present girlfriend/wife would never look like his Ghanian ex-wife or his mother.

    What I find surreal about this OLD reality of racism perpetrated against darker bw by bm is that it is STILL like BRAND NEW NEWS to so many AAbw! They talk about it as if it’s not the norm and seem to have spasms as they find out about each high status bm who has a non-bw girlfriend or wife.

    I believe most of them are genuinely “surprised” by the preferences and choice of the males for women who don’t look like their mothers since so many bm have okey-doked bw so flawlessly. What I find astounding about this is that even though I haven’t mingled deeply among AAs for most of my adult life, I have clearly seen this pattern since my 20s, whereas so many bw who live virtually 24-7 among other AAs couldn’t, didn’t, or can’t see this–even NOW? I guess that having only surface mingling with AAs may have enabled me to see AAbm more clearly? I don’t know.

    I believe that bw deliberately refuse to face the implications and ramifications of this OLD reality because they don’t want to deal with the need to switch at least 90% of their focus OFF bm as mates or anything else. Bw don’t want to have to do the work of changing their focus or MENTALITY and find a completely different strategy for mating success and thriving. They’ve done their daughters a profound disservice by not making this critical need to switch–plain to their daughters and other younger bw. If bw had faced this reality at least 30 years ago and put the bulk of their resources behind actively strategizing in totally different directions, they wouldn’t have allowed their bodies, minds, and spirits to have been blown up or dragged down and have their purses continuously emptied and energy drained by propping up men who ultimately poop on them.

    This is why I knew from the getgo of my blogging stint that providing a completely new mating paradigm was the best thing I could do for AAbw–because mating is THE KEY activity in life. This is why I began pointing at interracial marriage or OUT-marriage to quality men as the way to go. But it’s not the only strategy; it’s simply one strategy.

    It’s not like bm have been hiding their preference. This is why I (and many non-black people too) KNOW with at least 95% certainty that higher status, wealthier, better-employed bm are going to share their fame or fortune, or other resources with a woman who does NOT look like their mother.

    It sometimes seems to me that we live in a world now where most other folks live in one world and way too many AAbw (and similarly situated other bw) live somewhere else in a delusionary world about a LOT of things–not just mating, and seemingly DELIBERATELY. Honestly, whenever I encounter a new AAbw these days of any age, I’m very careful in what I say to her because I can’t predict which world she lives in. LOL! But as I talk more with her, I find out that she almost always lives mostly in that delusionary world. And she’s usually unhappy or overly stressed.

    It’s really critical for AAbw to analyze this type of “blindness” and figure out why they were or are blind to this OLD reality among other things. I say that because it’s likely that something else IS happening in their midst right now that they also can’t see. AAbw really need to go on a hunt for their blind spots!! Of course, I could point to a few that I “think” are there, but I won’t. I’m tired of writing so much. LOL! Besides, the women, themselves, need to become more responsible for pinpointing these areas.

    • Not to be catty but I guess I must be white skinned too since I’m the same color as Idris Elba’s new baby mama (BTW, I think the mother of his first child wasn’t a bw at all). But I do know what you’re talking about, I bet she looks nothing like his mother.

      Both of my cousin’s daughters are married to wm, which kind of freaked her out, but I said, “good for them; why mess with low class knee-grows?” She now sees I was right.

      • @Neurochick re:

        Not to be catty but I guess I must be white skinned too since I’m the same color as Idris Elba’s new baby mama”

        Yes, some women are whiter-skinned and we know that the overwhelming most of bm with greater resources these days are on the hunt for a lighter-brighter-whiter woman. Edris Elba is typical, but his starter wife (according to what I saw on the internet) was a Ghanian woman of a darker skin shade. That was typical also for a bm–to start out with a darker woman.

        Some bm and their bm-identified groupies still continue to try to deny this in order for ALL bw (most of whom are not lighter-brighter-whiter) to continue to be the ‘wind beneath the wings of bm.’ As a matter of fact, these days, lots of people (of all groups) don’t even EXPECT for a bm with stronger resources (status, money, fame, education, high-paid employment, good family, social currency, etc,) to make a commitment to/marry a darker skinned woman. So whiter-skinned women who want a bm DO have a greater advantage or a much higher chance of getting a bm IF they want one.

        Someone had sent me some research that was done on this topic by 3 male researchers and of course, the findings proved that–as if anyone needed that research done to know this. SMH I never posted it because it was just more poison.

        I hope that one day soon, bw of various skin shades–from the darker to the whiter-skinned ones– will get the courage to have an HONEST discussion about this type of discrimination that we all already know is going on bigtime. What irks me and angers many darker-skinned bw is that many lighter and whiter-skinned bw will try to do a tap-dance about this and try to gaslight darker bw or say that darker bw are either imagining things or are doing something wrong. I’m NOT saying that all or even most lighter-whiter bw who want a bm can actually GET the bm they want or any bm. Some women (of all groups) don’t have the know-how or are not in the position to COLLECT even when they have advantages. I’m saying that lighter-whiter bw are not discriminated against by bm (even these days) nearly to the same extent as darker-skinned bw; they do get the opportunities with lots MORE bm. And some of those bm have the wherewithal to bring a lot of resources of all types to the table IF the woman is interested in bm.

        I’m definitely NOT presenting typical bm as any “PRIZE.” Y’all know I don’t think like that! But I do consider a QUALITY man of whatever group as a prize.

        My Experience: I’m a brown-skinned bw who gets lighter during cooler months. So for about 7- 8 months out of the year AND due to different pigmentation of areas of my body, I can be considered kinda sorta light brown skinned (not light-skinned) and one of the experiences (advantages) that medium-brown to light brown bw usually have is that self-hating blacks don’t usually bother us AT ALL about our skin shade OR we are sometimes complimented about it. Personally, I know I have never heard ANY negative comment about my skin shade from any bw or bm even when I knew they were black self-haters. They DID make their digs at my natural hair texture. Whereas, I’m sure you know that many darker skinned black girls and bw are terrorized about their skin shade by other self-hating black folks, and starting from an early age. I’ve seen and heard lots of this throughout my life. Bw still write to me every day about this.

        Another advantage I had is that when I was single and in my 20s, it was typical for me to get quite a lot more attention (opportunities) from bm of all calibers than my darker girlfriends/acquaintances when we went out together–which was often. This was just the norm. I was not cuter than those women; I was just lighter, and likewise, my lighter girlfriend got more attention (opportunities) than me. Thus, the pool of men of various calibers was larger for some than others.

        I’m thrilled that these days, I’ve been able to help bw to see that by broadening the pool to include non-black men and non-AA men who like or prefer darker women, the playing field is much more balanced now.

        Just like in South Africa after apartheid had ended, the blacks and whites had what they called “Truth and Reconciliation” discussions, I think that bw of all skin shades should do the same. It couldn’t hurt.

        • –I hope that one day soon, bw of various skin shades–from the darker to the whiter-skinned ones– will get the courage to have an HONEST discussion about this type of discrimination that we all already know is going on bigtime.–

          If we’re going to get all the way real about colorism… I’m able to pass the paper bag test. When I’ve made comments online about colorism, I could not begin to tell you how many times I would get criticism for being a “hit dog” (i.e. hit dogs holler) and responding just because I was mad from being excluded only to reply that I actually am not dark skinned and did not need to be to speak out against something (whether or not it personally affected me).

          I honestly believe that a lot of BW don’t want to address colorism because they want to keep the “social pecking order” in place IF they can benefit from it via genetics or utilization of the beauty industry. The tide that has changed over the course of my experience is that light skinned is being phased out for biracial which is being phased out for “exotic” (i.e. tanned or somewhat “of color” but not partially black).

          I don’t know how it’s going to play out. IMO in general, most women play to a beauty standard as long as they CAN play, and only develop empathy and a willingness to speak out when they too become excluded.

  76. Preppers call the refusal to adapt to a new reality as “normalcy bias”.

    A commonly used illustration is the disaster movie, in which the dam is breaking, the tornado is coming, etc. and everyone is scrambling to get out or get cover. There’s that one person that is knitting or staring into space saying, “Oh no, no need to run, everything is fine.” They refuse to see reality and usually they die.

    I guess what Evia is talking about is a kind of extreme, sustained example of normalcy bias. “X has always been one way, therefore it will always be.”

  77. My friend and I picked up her daughter from homecoming dance. I asked her were any of those black males dates white/non-black and she said yes. So this is starting in high school and I told her point blank to leave black males alone because they don’t mind you being there to lift them up, but when they get on their feet, see yea!. I was watching preachers of L.A. and is it me but I see a lot of black women have sadness in their eyes when it comes to black male spouses. Compare that to black women with non-black significant other so spouses. I am not saying that non-black so automatically make black women happy, but I do see a difference in the facial features of black women who date non-black men versus black men. So I told her to expand her dating options because she went to the prom with some of her girlfriends and that sends a message that were not good enough to date but they don’t mind having and using our time, resources and money. I pointed her to this site which OLS have more informative links for her to learn from.

  78. ”I guess what Evia is talking about is a kind of extreme, sustained example of normalcy bias. “X has always been one way, therefore it will always be.”

    HomesteadGlamourGirl –My question then is: IF it’s “normalcy” to AA women for the overwhelming most of AA men who have the most resources (of any and all kinds) to mate and marry out, then why does the wincing, surprise, shock, snide and sometimes belligerent comments from the women start up all over again when the next bm with hefty resources mates or marries out? LOL!

    That bias may be a part of it, but I think it’s also that lots of AA women (including some who consider themselves to be highly “conscious”) have used their statements, attitudes, and behaviors to voluntarily create and participate in a delusionary, crippling view of life for bw that they pass down and pass around among EACH OTHER. But these days, as more AA women try to comfortably enter mainstream society, their delusions are clashing with reality. ‘The chickens have come to roost.’

    I’ll cite some examples of what I hear often from AAbw that stunts them on various fronts. But let me first say that in a typical month, I’m either in a lengthy discussion or a conversation with 3 groups of women: AA women, white women, and African women. I don’t agree with everything I hear in any of these 3 groups, but it gives me much fodder to compare these 3 groups.

    However, this site focuses on AA women, so here’re a couple of prevalent parts of the AAbw’s delusion. Their delusion may be “normalcy bias” but it works against them when they enter the reality of the non-AA world.

    1. I was at a social gathering in August where a blatantly overweight bw (like Mo’Nique used to be) strutted around deliberately drawing attention to her “bigness” and without being asked–proclaimed at one point: “I love every inch of my fat azz! And lots of men love a woman with more meat on her bones!”

    Everybody smiled or laughed. This woman is lying, but none of the bw or bm sitting there called her out on the BS. Overhearing this woman share her delusion, I would bet that the other bw who wanted another helping of food or another piece of pie NOW felt better about helping themselves to a second and third portion. Variations of this proclamation are repeated constantly by various AAbw. This is how that part of their delusionary world is created.

    I know ww and African women who are BIG but when within a similar circle of friends and family, they openly worry about their eating habits, their trans fats, calories, and cholesterol. No one laughs about this among them. BIG is not healthy or cute. They know that in western societies, MOST people merely “tolerate” overweight/borderline obese people socially and some people have a virtual hate for obese people. Not trying to hurt anyone’s feelings, and it’s not “fair,” but this is just a FACT.

    2. A bw tells me: “I don’t believe in sitting back and waiting for the man to bring in the income. I think that women who do that are LAZY!”

    This woman is either lying or maybe just not a critical thinker or has done an okey-doke on herself because her next words are nothing but complaints about how stressed she is or about all she has to do at work, at home, for the kids, for others, etc. or about how she never has time for this or that. And, of course, ALL of the women I’ve had this conversation with are overweight (and anxious and more than a little depressed) because they don’t have time or the presence of mind to focus on self-care like diet, getting a fitness regimen and ways to stick to it, or finding ways to know themselves, or finding peace and contentment in life.

    More upscale, emotionally healthy men do not prefer women who don’t focus on self-care. That’s bad for her and for him. This type of woman is not a vibrant, appealing mate. So, in the longer run, this tends to be a lose-lose situation for the woman. Moderation is the answer here. A man wants a woman who is productive but also focuses on self-care.

    Yes, a woman bringing in a 2nd income allows for more luxuries, but in my experience, a typical man of this type would in the longer run prefer to live in a 1-bedroom apartment/home and have one car than to have a stressed/depressed, overweight working wife who doesn’t focus on self-care who he may live with in a 4-bedroom home with 2 cars.

    I also must stress that I have NEVER and would never advise a woman to be content to be a permanent SAHM (stay at home mom) these days. I do NOT believe that’s a smart thing to do in this culture–at this point. IMO, that puts a typical woman (especially if she’s a mother) at great risk of being shortchanged later in her life. Being a SAHM can be done successfully and it is possible to avoid being shortchanged, but typical women are not equipped knowledgewise to be a SAHM (aside from temporary periods) and come out on top or break even. Some are lucky or are uniquely positioned to come out okay, but most are NOT–based on my experiences and observations over 35 years, and my readings.

    Just making it clear. I’m NOT one of the BWE writers who advocates that a typical woman be a SAHM–but if she does, it should only be for temporary periods or ONLY if she can stay at home and simultaneously create income that she can keep for HERSELF.

    3. So many darker-skinned AAbw and similarly thinking bw have convinced themselves that being a dark-skinned bw is like a “curse.” SMH This is a part of the delusion. But the fact is that being dark-skinned is largely a “curse” among MAINLY disease-brained BLACK people who continue to poison dark-skinned bw and either downgrade or reject them for being darker-skinned. But because so many dark-skinned bw LOVE their poisoners and want to remain around them, they blind themselves to who their main poisoners are and instead blame “society.” Yes, once upon a time, it WAS a curse to be non-white in this country, but these days, an average sized bw who happens to be browner or darker and who behaves like an intelligent WOMAN with a pleasant attitude can go far IF she separates herself from other disease-brained blacks. I suggested the persona of the pleasant, graceful Butterfly for bw to emulate in this regard. Not saying the darker skinned bw will be viewed yet as the ‘fairest of them all,’ I’m talking about the leaps and strides she can make.

    • Evia: I have seen the same things you write about. I used to have a term for it, that was rather crude so I’ll write it in a more palatable way:

      A good portion (perhaps even a majority) of black women cultivate a persona/look/lifestyle that explicitly appeals to low class black men. From the attitude, to the values, to the hairstyles, attire, body shape/size, it only appeals to a very low class (socioeconomically AND class in terms of ideology) segment of black men (specifically) and this is why they have such a hard time mating successfully whether they choose to mate with black men or not.

      Most don’t give any thought whatsoever to what kind of fish they are trying to catch with that “bait”. For example :

      -“I don’t believe in sitting back and waiting for the man to bring in the income. I think that women who do that are LAZY!”-

      The man who has the same belief is likely to have contempt for women and see BW, in particular, as lazy and gold diggers. He’s also likely to use economic manipulation (financial dread game) to maintain power in the relationship and in the absence of that ability, to cheat to maintain power. They don’t think things all the way through when adopting these stances.

      -And lots of men love a woman with more meat on her bones!”-

      Overweight-ness is statistically more prevalent among poor and low income men/women.

    • Evia,

      In my humble, non-clinical opinion (LOL!), what you’re describing are all variations on Stockholm Syndrome. A quote:

      —-“Throughout history, people have found themselves supporting and participating in life situations that range from abusive to bizarre. In talking to these active and willing participants in bad and bizarre situations, it is clear they have developed feelings and attitudes that support their participation.”—-

      http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/stockholm/3/#toc_is-there-something-else-involved

      Obviously, as a collective, AABW “have developed feelings and attitudes that support their participation” in all sorts of self-defeating mess (often with the encouragement of those others—BM, nonblack women, etc.—who benefit from AA women taking themselves out of the game of life).

      From the same article:

      —-“Studies tell us we are more loyal and committed to something that is difficult, uncomfortable, and even humiliating. The initiation rituals of college fraternities, Marine boot camp, and graduate school all produce loyal and committed individuals. Almost any ordeal creates a bonding experience. . . [ ] . . . Investment and an ordeal are ingredients for a strong bonding — even if the bonding is unhealthy. . . Abusive relationships produce a great amount on unhealthy investment in both parties. In many cases we tend to remain and support the abusive relationship due to our investment in the relationship. Try telling a new Marine that since he or she has survived boot camp, they should now enroll in the National Guard!”—-

      Bottom line—it’s been my observation that envy is the only thing that frequently snaps these delusional AA women out of their various delusions (such as fat acceptance, muling, Sista Soldiering, etc.). It’s only when they feel envy and resentment as a result of seeing AABW who USED TO BE similarly-situated to them starting to live well (as a result of breaking free of the dead Black community indoctrination Matrix) that these women snap out of that mess. These women are impervious to reason and enlightened self-interest.

      Since most of the go-to examples these women use to feel good about remaining obese (like Jennifer Hudson and her 6-year “engagement,” Mo’Nique and her messed-up “marriage,” etc.) STILL are NOT living well or thriving even after they’ve lost weight (due to their continued participation in other dead Black community okey-dokes), these women can still tell themselves that they “love their fat a$$es,” etc. These women typically were/are angry that J. Hudson and Mo’Nique had lost weight. But it won’t be a “tipping point,” envy-inducing crisis unless and until women like J. Hudson, Mo’Nique lose weight AND start living well.

      Misery loves and demands company (which is what the “I love my fat a$$” impromptu public pep rallies are about). Misery only REALLY starts to get uncomfortable for a lot women when their “company” starts disappearing and they see they’re being left behind.

      • Some BW are looking for a return on their “investment”. What comes to mind…

        And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going”

        And I am telling you
        I’m not going
        You’re the best man I’ll ever know (the best THAT YOU EVER KNOWN DOESN’T MEAN THE BEST. EXPLORE!)

        There’s no way I can ever go
        No, no, there’s no way
        No, no, no, no way I’m living without you
        I’m not living without you
        I don’t wanna be free (Stockholm Syndrome Much?)
        I’m staying
        I’m staying
        And you, and you
        You’re gonna love me, oh ooh mm mm
        You’re gonna love me (Good Luck With That)

        And I am telling you
        I’m not going
        Even though the rough times are showing
        There’s just no way, there’s no way
        We’re part of the same place
        We’re part of the same time
        We both share the same blood
        We both have the same mind (It’s Called Gas-lighting and Okey Dokeying)

        • ImAwake,

          {chuckling} Exactly! These stubborn, hard-headed mammy-mules and Sista Soldiers insist upon living out deranged, scary-crazy torch songs like that “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” madness.

          {smh}

    • “HomesteadGlamourGirl –My question then is: IF it’s “normalcy” to AA women for the overwhelming most of AA men who have the most resources (of any and all kinds) to mate and marry out, then why does the wincing, surprise, shock, snide and sometimes belligerent comments from the women start up all over again when the next bm with hefty resources mates or marries out? LOL!”

      What I mean is, what is normal to many AA women is that the overwhelming most of AA men of any socioeconomic level will marry an AA woman. That outmarriage is rare.

      That may have been the norm in 1964 or 1984, but not as much anymore. So many AA women are acting as if the same reality exists in 2014 as it did in 1964– it does not. These are the ones who are perpetually hurt, surprised, etc. It’s like the people before Katrina who behaved as if there wasn’t an impending disaster–even though they had been warned.

      All the sensible people realize that just because there wasn’t a tornado yesterday doesn’t mean there isn’t one bearing on you right now–so you’d better act accordingly.

      Fortunately, AA men’s “outmarriage rates” are hardly a disaster for AA women–unless they let that be the case.

  79. “A good portion (perhaps even a majority) of black women cultivate a persona/look/lifestyle that explicitly appeals to low class black men. From the attitude, to the values, to the hairstyles, attire, body shape/size, it only appeals to a very low class (socioeconomically AND class in terms of ideology) segment of black men (specifically) and this is why they have such a hard time mating successfully whether they choose to mate with black men or not.”

    Ding! Ding! Ding! Gina, so absolutely true! This is why I continue to talk about the needed change in MENTALITY among AAbw. I’ve talked with the Micomsa women about how I’ve observed that so many AAbw have very ODD or “peculiar tastes” when it comes to men, but you wrapped it up tight! This is definitely a major reason why so many AAbw have a harder time than the average ones of us when it comes to dating and marriage. I’ve noticed that SOME AAbw use the ways of the “low class black man” as their yardstick to measure white and Asian male behavior by and they use that same yardstick to measure the behavior of quality bm from other cultures. For ex., in public physical confrontations, they expect these non-AA men to behave like Kanye West. LOL Not going to happen.

    You’ve pinpointed the KEY problem–a low class subculture that really needs to be recognized as the main culprit and eradicated. Everything else is like putting a band-aid on a hemorrhaging wound. And I’m just going to say it right here. There is even a good percentage of faithful BWE readers who have read all of the BWE articles and comments for YEARS, but they are STILL afflicted with slabs of this bottom-feeder thought system. Sometimes, when they write to me or chat with me, they slip up. LOL!

    For ex., whenever I hear a bw talk about “foine” men, that’s a dead giveaway. Or when she talks about a man being “too soft.” There are various other indirect slips-ups too.

    Trust me, mature middle class and higher women of other groups and/or women with COMMON SENSE don’t evaluate men in that manner unless they’re on a vacation in the islands and they just want a toy-boy for a few nights. LOL Aside from the desperate, grossly immature, or those with crippling emotional issues, they do NOT give a man major points just for being good-looking or having “muscles.” I also realize that some segments of lower class ww and Hispanic women have begun to do this same thing. However, I really doubt whether more than a handful of typical women with African parents in this country or Asian-American women will ever go in that direction.

    A few months ago, a bw ivy league grad who is quite successful careerwise asked me for my help and was willing to pay me to help her rid herself of her “Blackistani thinking,” as she put it. She recognized this as her biggest problem. I told her I really couldn’t help her because I’m only marginally aware of the larger landmines of that “peculiar tastes” or Blackistani thought system.

    So, “exorcising or deprogramming Blackistani thinking” may be a new field of counseling for some of y’all. I am serious about that.

    The fact is that ANY bw, these days, who is more than minimally focused on black men (especially those from this part of the world) romantically–is very much afflicted with this thinking. AA men (and similar bm) should be viewed the same as any other man and IF they were viewed in that way, the overwhelming most of them would never make the cut.The OOW rates would drop almost to zero since the bulk of these males would never get any woman’s serious attention as a romantic mate. That, in itself, would force many more of them to try harder to become better material for mates/husbands and for fatherhood.

    We raised our sons to try hard to make the cut, so they exerted themselves. It becomes a genocidal mating arena (as in the current AA black “construct”) when some men can make the cut by just showing up–emptyheaded and emptyhanded.

    I’ve chatted with bw or ALL socioeconomic classes who were raised primarily as “black American” women and I’ve also chatted lots with bw who were not raised as “black American.” There actually are some black American women (both parents were AAs) who were NOT raised as black American–due to certain circumstances ( for ex., raised by these AA parents in another country or culture). And then there’s a good number of AAbw like me who for a variety of reasons managed to avoid the typical indoctrination. These women may all look virtually the same, but there are such STRIKING differences in our thinking and therefore in our outcomes.

  80. —A few months ago, a bw ivy league grad who is quite successful careerwise asked me for my help and was willing to pay me to help her rid herself of her “Blackistani thinking,” as she put it. —

    That’s really interesting. Since she’s Ivy League educated (i.e. predominantly white universities) then that means she actually put in effort to hold onto it. At that time, it probably was part of her identity as a black woman.

  81. ” In my humble, non-clinical opinion (LOL!), what you’re describing are all variations on Stockholm Syndrome.”

    @ Khadija–
    Yep–These women LOVE their captors, their poisoners, and will become straight up sista soldiers in a NY minute and sacrifice themselves to protect their poisoners. That is pure Stockholm Syndrome. And we know that folks who are suffering from Stockholm are dangerous. They will try do you in if you try to harm or eliminate their captor. This is why most people are ignoring and will continue to ignore the cries of AAbw for help. AAbw in that situation must separate themselves from the entire environment of the captors.

    This is why I, you, and others have pointed out that it is certain AAbw who are the fiercest defenders of the predators who prey on bw’s bodies, minds, spirits, and POCKETBOOKS. And I’ve pointed out that if anyone actually plans to neutralize predators, they’re going to have to get past those bw sentinels and guardians of the predators.

    “That’s really interesting. Since she’s Ivy League educated (i.e. predominantly white universities) then that means she actually put in effort to hold onto it. At that time, it probably was part of her identity as a black woman.”

    @ Gina–
    The biggest fly in this milk is the issue of IDENTITY. AAbw, for the most part, do not know what it is that constitutes the AA black woman’s AUTHENTIC identity. This is an area that AAbw really need to put everything on the back burner in order to focus on re-inventing the identity of the authentic AAbw and create the most beneficial identity FOR THEMSELVES. This can be done individually. I’ve done this.This is why I’m PAB.

    This woman had latched onto the identity of a black American female/woman that was given to her early in life by selfish others and she carried that identity to the ivy league school and clung to it, as you said. Only after reading BWE/Common Sense ideology did she realize what had happened to her and the disaster it spelled for her future.

    I admire her for trying to take the active steps to shed the bogus identity, but she needed help with the process in a methodical way. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to give it to her.

  82. Yes I got all of my dating of bm done in high school. I started expanding my horizons while in my senior year and the difference I experience was so profound. This was at the encouragement of my uncle who happens to be married to a ww. He told me not to limit myself and to really examine who wanted me and why.

    I must say that bm leaving bw behind in the dust as far as marriage goes would serve black women well if, they get a grip and understand you are better of with people who want you and that these bm don’t want you so move on and find someone in this big world that does. Yes, it takes some paying attention to self but this too is something black women need.

    It is a major shift to go from catering to the whims of others to having a man cater to you and your needs. I already see within my own family among the black women how there are those that have married out and up and are really happy and those that stayed in and are pulling up some man who is not really worthy of them. Both sets have told their daughters to marry up and to be open to marring out. One of my cousins married to a black man has gone as far as to move her family to a state the is majority white upper class so as to push her three daughter to marry up and out.

    Black women can make this work for them and to their advantage if. only they’d open their eyes.

    • Uhhh I just hope her daughters are getting exposure to other Black people from the same class who share the same values.

      All sorts of issues arise when young Black children are completely isolated.

  83. Oh and talk about how these bm act when they see a bw with a nonbm. Once they know you are not even looking their way they will do everything in their power to get your attention. it is quite amusing. When they know that they don’t stand a chance some go away shocked and miffed and besides themselves when all they can do is emotionally dump and belittle and you go on your way smiling acting as if, all you hear are tweeting birds. I wish every black woman could experience this and understand that making your own decisions to live better and for self is so right, rightious, and powrful.

  84. I want to post this here:

    http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2014/09/29/hookinguprealities/newest-pew-report-on-american-marriage/

    Susan Walsh is white, and she is upper middle class (MBA from Wharton, SAHM mom even after her children are grown). As such, her perspective is focused on that segment of the population.

    Having said that, she is one of the few who takes a DATA driven approach and applies it to dating/mating strategies. Especially this:

    This report focuses on many factors we can’t control as individuals. Your race and ethnicity, your age, and societal trends are all fixed. You have no ability to influence the economy. At this point in your life, your education level has been pretty well determined, give or take a potential trip to grad school.

    The extent to which you can control your own future and likelihood of marrying a quality man will be determined by your dating strategy. The key elements of that strategy should be:

    1. Don’t waste your 20s.

    This is prime time for mate searching. Go beyond your comfort zone to meet new people.

    2. Filter, filter, filter.

    Reject men who are not ready to settle down.

    Reject men without productive employment and financial prospects.

    3. No sex before monogamy.

    No exceptions. And while I’m at it, no monogamy without emotional intimacy. Don’t waste time with men who are not emotionally viable.

    Remember, the highest quality men get snapped up early and don’t come back on the market often, if at all. As the number of 30-something never marrieds rises, there may be more promising prospects in the dating pool, but the Avoidant attachers, the sociopaths and players will always be disproportionately represented in this group. Don’t play in that sandbox if you can help it.

    • @Gina-

      Thank your for posting this link! At 35+, it’s been CHALLENGING finding quality men to date. I’ve tried three popular online dating sites and even casting a wider net in the global village has not yielded success.

      I’m hoping that Evia or another marriage ‘expert’ will provide strategies on WHERE to meet quality men. The gym? Sports bars? Wine tastings? I can’t count on fix-ups from friends because I don’t have a lot of them and the ones I have are single, dateless and very unhappy. So, I’m working on getting better quality friends too. But, getting married is my primary drive.

      Also, since Evia has been married twice, clearly she has a mindset that “she deserves” marriage. I hope that she and other successfully married women will share their insights on where/how they met their husbands. Blind dates? Fix ups through friends? Friends first? Met at work?

      I need strategies and a plan that I can work right now.

      • @Black Petals

        Have you tried a matchmaker? A matchmaker was the strategy I used and I’m a 35+ lady (lol) and got married in May of this year.

        If you do go that route, I would only caution you to vet the matchmaker prior to parting with your money. This is even more critical if you are considering a non-black woman as a matchmaker.

        If your preference is non-black men, you have to make that very clear from the beginning and stay firm. Personally, that was my preference because understanding the modern dating landscape, I knew I didn’t have the time nor interest to waste on black males.

      • So this is only my opinion, so take it or leave it. But it is an informed opinion.

        I think most of the ways women are socialized to think about meeting and dating/mating with men is based off how we would want men to behave if we could dictate their behavior, but not as they actually are.

        You’re thinking “I’ll go to an event where guys are, strike up a friendly conversation, and maybe it leads to a relationship and who knows” because that’s a female narrative (mostly from romantic fiction– books, television, movies).

        Most guys are thinking “I’ll go to an event where women are, strike up a friendly conversation, and maybe I get laid tonight.” I’m not saying that they are by default not interested in a relationship, but their primary reason is sex.

        This is why it’s so hard to get guys to show up to speed dating and other such women-driven matchmaking events, because that’s not how they MATE.

        There is a difference between short term and long term strategies. And while you are quite capable of a “cold meeting” at an “event” where guys are, you are going into a short-term strategy with long term objectives. As suggested below, matchmaking is a great idea. Interpersonal connections are also another.

        On hooking up smart, there is another article (paraphrasing) the person you are likely to marry is already in your social circle (or something like that). You should read it.

        • @lostgirl–THANK YOU!

          Going to a matchmaker never occurred to me. I was giddy upon reading your post. That is a excellent strategy!! You have no idea how happy your post made me. Plus, I’m very encouraged to hear of your success. Congratulations on your nuptials. I love hearing of Black women getting married.

          You mentioned vetting the matchmaker–would you elaborate on that? I assume you mean for her/his track record of successful matchups leading to marriages?

          @Gina,
          Thank you for giving me insight! I welcome your “informed opinion”. I appreciate how you phrased it, short term strategy vs. long term objectives–that is a correct assessment. Seeing it from that angle is helping me rework my thinking. I want marriage, period. I’m working on my increasing the number of my interpersonal relationships.

          Right now, they’re scarce and that’s the probably the reason I’ve had so much trouble finding quality men to date. Once people are over the age of 35, it seems they socialize less and less, and it’s difficult to meet new people. They’re busy with their jobs, family, kids and already have a set group of friends. They’re very insulated and more often than not, unwilling to invest time in making new friends.

          Nevertheless, I’ll be using the wonderful advice given here today! I can’t thank either of you enough. 🙂

        • —- Once people are over the age of 35, it seems they socialize less and less, and it’s difficult to meet new people. They’re busy with their jobs, family, kids and already have a set group of friends. They’re very insulated and more often than not, unwilling to invest time in making new friends.—-

          I haven’t found that to be the case. What I feel comfortable saying is they socialize DIFFERENTLY. “Going out” seems for the “younger set” or a different lifestyle (like a perpetual party girl, no offense) but other types of activities are still popular. It’s getting cold, so you can’t really use things like running clubs, hiking clubs, etc., but you can use other interest-based groups.

          And again, just like we discussed upthread about tilting your education in favor of male populated environments the same can be said of interest groups. So think outside the box. You mentioned gyms, sports bars and wine tastings and I think those are… I guess what people commonly think of. So here are a few more ideas:

          crossfit boxes
          indoor rock climbing
          computer/technology shows/groups (I swear there are NEVER a lot of women at these, sadly… go to something-con… almost all guys)
          professional associations catered towards men
          collectibles shows/events (again, steer towards male things)
          toastmasters (really, seriously)
          meetups
          conferences in male dominated fields (but beware lots of married men looking to hookup at these)

          People who would have a very active “rolodex” (I can’t believe I wrote rolodex) of men (primarily because they need to make connections):
          Personal shoppers at high end menswear stores
          Anyone working in the appearance industry for men (i.e. barbers/hairstylists)
          Headhunters/recruiters
          Corporate sales reps (sales reps that sell to corporations)
          Event planners
          Sales reps of higher end goods
          Social/political activists/fundraisers

          If you don’t want to feel “out there” work/volunteer at a few events.

          The goal is just to expand your connections. I think as BW we are categorically socially isolated.

        • @Gina,
          You said, “I haven’t found that to be the case. What I feel comfortable saying is they socialize DIFFERENTLY.”

          I stand happily corrected! Your post is packed with valuable information and EXACTLY what I need. I can’t thank you enough for taking the time write a detailed post and share your ideas!

  85. Did anyone else read the Elle mag(August issue) with Sloan Stephans. She is the young lady who is poised to take over when Venus and Serena retire. OMG did the writer do a hack job on the poor young lady, who is in a BW/WM relationship BTW with another highly ranked Tennis player.

    Think of all the most negative stereotypes of Black women in the media right now, she made sure to slander Stephans with every single one, minus being a BM.

    I think it is imperative that any Black women who is trying to achieve a high rank in public eye undergo extensive media training and charm school.

    • I read it, and wasn’t remotely surprised by anything that I saw in the article. Sloane Stevens has shown herself to not be the brightest, nicest or classiest person around, and it always comes out whenever a microphone/journalist etc is around her. The part in the article where she was flicking the visors across the room and acting petulant, refusing to continue signing them for a children’s charity; you know it is one of her agents that would have had to pick all them up from the floor. If she keeps playing the way she is playing, getting knocked out in the first round of every tournament, it will seriously affect her ranking. In such times, her agents will remember all these things she did, and will happily drop her. The same thing happened to Bernard Tomic, when he was dropped by IMG, no one likes a jerk, especially when you are that young and have achieved little.

      I saw the attitude she had to Serena, the way she was willing to insult the Williams sisters in public, something she would never dare do with/to any other top players or legends of the game. She bought too much into her own hype and believed that she was the ‘next Serena Williams’. She isn’t. She now seems to have grown resentful of Serena Williams, believing that there is only space for one Black star on the tennis circuit, so thinks that Ms. Williams is taking her spot. For all the grief and hateration the Williams sisters get, there are many people in the tennis world who like (or at least, respect them), and as a result, Ms. Stevens was pseudo-blacklisted due to her attack on Serena, and a media and management company representative said as much. It no doubt would have affected her sponsorship opportunities. It is now at a point where it seems she intentionally behaves in a brash and rude manner, as if to say ‘F’ you to the world, because she is angry at how things have gone for her over the past year.

      All that said, I did notice the following quote from her mother. It says a lot about the mindset of the family she came from:

      From news reports, she also for the first time discovered that her father had pleaded guilty to rape in Missouri in 1994 and had been arrested in 2009 on sexual-assault charges, all of which her mom had kept from her. “I wanted her to have pride in him,” Smith told a reporter right after the accident. “I’m telling you, John was a very good man with addiction issues that were never addressed early on.”

      If that is what one would describe as a ‘good man’, I wonder what it would take for her to consider someone ‘bad’!

      • I believe the quote from the mother illustrates how so many young BW get screwed over by their mothers. Sybil Stephens rather save face than admit her mistakes. Hence, Sloane grew up hearing praise and gaslighting about a man with deviant behavior.

        As for the beef with Serena, Stephens is simply acting like many blacks who are rising in their field. Sloane believes there is only room for one successful black person; therefore, she tries to sabotage and/or take down other blacks, never daring to try the non-blacks. Her behavior is sad, but common

        • @DiraD

          You make a good point about Blks at the top being ultra competing with one another. Naomi Campbell and Tyra and Chanel Iman and Jourdan. Although the latter two recognized what was happening and ironed out their differences. Gabby has said something similar has happened amongst Blk actresses.

      • I don’t know that I would say she slandered her, because her statements appear to be true.

        As I see it, Sloane is grieving and her mother isn’t dealing with it, likely because the family is living off Sloane’s money. They probably mistakenly think that talent trumps all. Elle is… IMO one of the more editorially respectable women’s/fashion magazines. It’s highly likely this is a “slightly sugar-coated” portrayal of how she came off.

        The Williams sisters are remarkable not just for their talent, but also because they had the parental support and “home training” to navigate a predominantly white support with little incident. Sure Serena catches heat sometimes, but it’s mostly for her on the court behavior.

        In that article, Sloane comes across as DBR as your typical black NBA or NFL player… Worse… because most of them wouldn’t have stopped signing visors “for the kids.”

        Every modern-day “big name” athlete has made more money in endorsements than salary for their job. Tennis is not like the other sports, there are no contracts. She is being foolish by behaving such a way when being interviewed by a writer for a prominent international magazine.

        • I don’t know that I would say she slandered her, because her statements appear to be true.

          Most of what she said (about Serena, and earlier in her career, about Venus), wasn’t even that bad, it was more about the motivation behind it that irritated me. She wanted to publicly embarrass Serena, for reasons only she can state, knowing full well that bad publicity can affect what an athlete can earn from endorsements.

          Elle is… IMO one of the more editorially respectable women’s/fashion magazines. It’s highly likely this is a “slightly sugar-coated” portrayal of how she came off.

          There was a site where some commenters were criticising Elle magazine, and I would have agreed if it were some other publications. Elle tends to at least try to be sensible, and they have a fashion editorial slant, so there are some things that they just would not do. I have no reason to believe that the interviewer tried to encourage Sloane to act/speak this way for the sake of controversy.

          Sure Serena catches heat sometimes, but it’s mostly for her on the court behavior.

          I admit, Serena does not help herself sometimes. That said, the fact that the Williams’ sisters detractors insist on lumping both her and Venus together when criticising, tells me that their main motivation is something else. They both have almost completely opposite personalities, yet whenever Serena does something wrong, they always attack Venus as well, so I don’t buy that most of it is particularly objective.

          Every modern-day “big name” athlete has made more money in endorsements than salary for their job. Tennis is not like the other sports, there are no contracts. She is being foolish by behaving such a way when being interviewed by a writer for a prominent international magazine.

          You see, that is why I love tennis. I follow both the ATP and WTA tours religiously. You either perform, or you are out. On endorsements, that is why Sharapova is the highest earning (significantly more than Serena), even though she does not win as much. The real money is in the sponsorship deals. Li Na also earns more than her fellow players, predominantly because she is the first Chinese player to have grand slam success, and every brand out there is trying to get into that lucrative market. This is another example of how ‘group success/elevation’ can directly benefit individual members. Also, the new up and coming players (both male and female) know that the wider the appeal they have, the more money they make. It is obvious that Eugenie Bouchard is being set up to be the next star, but in typical fashion, the Black female players coming on the scene now don’t seem to want to get with the programme.

          I remember the hullabaloo that was created when Taylor Townsend was dropped by the USTA. People wanted to pretend that her size was no issue, but it is and always will be. It is not just about playing well. It is also about which players can bring in the most spectators, both male and female. If you insist on ignoring the advice of those that know more, have more experience, and have been around the block, but only accept the opinions of those that are telling you what you need to hear, things are not going to turn out that great. I have watched her play, and she is talented, no doubt, but she depends too much on a power game, using her size to dominate. That would have worked in the juniors, but in the seniors, you need a whole lot more. Many people have tried to ‘diss’ the Williams’ sisters game, saying it is all based on power, but that is not true. They have that once in a lifetime talent that one only sees once in a generation. They completely changed the way the game is played, and there are many (racists) out there who are resentful of that. Most of the younger players coming on tour now just try to hit through the ball, trying to mimic what they think is Serena’s style of play. Many haters criticised them for the way they play when they first came on the scene. Now, almost all of the coaches are using Serena’s serve as the template. I admire the way they succeeded in a ‘white’ sport, despite all the hate they got, and have dominated it for so many years.

      • I think her alleged behavior at the children’s charity was what pained me the most about the entire article. It showed a cold sort of selfishness toward sick children.

        I remember Sloane’s slick comment about Serena not talking to her anymore. Sloane should remember that Serena and Venus Made things easier for her just as Athea Gibson paved the way for the three of them.

        Where is the next Maxime Powell for our people who are moving up in the mainstream.

        Sloane’s mom is just reading the script of ” Good Blk woman 101″
        No matter what a Black man does, he is always a good Blk man.

        • —but in typical fashion, the Black female players coming on the scene now don’t seem to want to get with the programme.—

          You know what I think that is? I have seen this so much. I think BW, categorically, believe they will get more cultural/social support from other blacks than any realistic person can reasonably expect. Thus, they underestimate the amount of “crossover appeal” they will need to cultivate.

          BM will get that support, by default, because of the way the culture is conditioned. And I think BW mistakenly think they will get that too.

        • BM will get that support, by default, because of the way the culture is conditioned. And I think BW mistakenly think they will get that too.

          This is where I think that BM hyper-masculinity comes in. That is why when female athletes complain that male athletes are only judged based on their performance, it is only half true. Many times, the ones with the largest endorsement deals aren’t necessarily the best players. It is the ones who have the widest appeal (i.e to both male and female fans, to a cross-section of the population, international appeal, etc), that end up making to most money. David Beckham is a perfect example of this. He has never been the best player on any team he has played in, yet he is the richest footballer in the world today, due to his endorsements.

          It is harder for the female athletes, as they have to play on their femininity to really appeal to most people. The problem is that many of them assume that means to play up their sexuality, so refuse to, even though it does not mean the same thing. Sometimes, it can be as simple as looking reasonably cute when you are competing, and projecting an amiable/appealing/endearing personality to the media. The male fans prefer someone they like to look at on the field/court etc., while the female fans like someone they want to be like. Masculinity in a woman doesn’t achieve any of this. The smarter athletes out there realise that one’s career can end any time (due to injury), so making as much money outside of their prize winnings is important. I see many Black fans complain when the Black sport stars they like aren’t getting as much money/endorsements/publicity as others. They think that because they identify with the individual, everyone else should as well, and that sponsorship deals should only be based on one’s performance, but it just doesn’t work that way. It is important to have as much ‘cross-over’ appeal as is possible.

          A good example of this was the controversy during the London 2012 Olympics, with Lolo Jones and two of her Black team-mates. I remember how one of them complained that no one was telling her own story, about how she has suffered, all the abuse she went through, because she thought, falsely, that that kind of publicity was going to get her more sponsorship. Before they really hit the big time, most of these athletes already have a manager, are signed to a management company, a publicist, etc, to help sell them. From a young age, their parents already know what’s up. The Black ones are the ones least likely to do this, thinking that if they just compete and perform well, all the other stuff will come rolling in. For most, it does not happen that way. They don’t see what goes on behind the scenes, the team of people behind each athlete, all they see is the end result, and assume all this stuff came rolling in after the athlete in question won some big trophy. Even Andy Murray decided to form a company with Simon Fuller (the man behind the ‘Idol’ franchise), that would focus on his business interests, to ensure he was able to generate as much money and endorsements. He improved his image, did a series of photo-shoots with various sport and non-sport related magazines, etc:

          The Scot’s Wimbledon victory, together with a surge of goodwill – and the US Open victory and Olympic gold that preceded it – had some sports marketing experts making wild claims that he could boost his earnings to $50m a year. But of greater concern to Murray and his advisers will be choosing the right business ventures to protect his brand and position him for life after tennis.

          How is it that everyone else realises that it is business, but for the most part, many of the Black female contenders don’t (because even the BM know this, and act accordingly).

        • —It is harder for the female athletes, as they have to play on their femininity to really appeal to most people. The problem is that many of them assume that means to play up their sexuality, so refuse to, even though it does not mean the same thing.—

          You bring up a great point, but I think this can be said for many women, IN GENERAL. Especially black women. They DO conflate being feminine with being sexualized and don’t know where to draw the line.

  86. The first case of ebola has been found in Texas. For the bw living in Texas or have family there. I would advise you to brace yourselves and be prepared for this to spread. We have already seen what has been happening with the shelters in place in Sierra Leon and how many people have gone without food and water. Make sure you have enough supplies to last a few days. You never know what could happen.

    • For those into planning for an emergency or disaster please look into getting a crank flashlight and radio. Some are pretty inexpensive on Amazon.

      • Yes. There are a lot of good supplies for emergencies and disasters on amazon and other stores online. I know I have gotten batteries, can openers, other things on amazon and they don’t cost much at all. Candles are also a good deal on amazon.

    • Hopefully the German government also insists these international students pay back into the system by working in the country and paying taxes. If too many international students show up, take the advantages and leave, then the German citizens (i.e. taxpayers) will not support this over the middle or long term and rightly so.

  87. @Black Petals–re your question above about how to meet men as potential prospects for marriage, my answer is “EVERYWHERE.” They’re around you in every setting all the time. And there are definitely gazillions of them online!

    But everything is connected. You live in a general social environment where LOTS of women have dropped the ball REQUIRING marriage. Of all groups of women, AABlack women can least afford to do that, YET they’re the most likely to take an anti-marriage stance and everybody knows that by now.

    That whole slack marriage environment impacts each woman when it comes to whether she will get a marriage proposal. Not saying you, but the fact also is that many women are not REALISTIC about marriage. They either don’t know or are not sure of what exactly marriage’s benefits are. Many women (and men) have fantasy or Hollywood views about BOTH choosing a partner and marriage. Some women’s expectations and knowledge about men, marriage and being the type of woman a CQLL man values, learns to love, and would therefore want to marry are totally distorted, Notice I didn’t say “fall in love.” LOL

    Also, many women don’t know their value; they appraise themselves either under or over their market value.

    Many women say out loud these days that they aren’t sure whether they even want to get married and plenty men love women of that type because they know that sooner or later, they’ll be able to get one or more of those women into bed AND get other goodies that men WANT from women that they can’t or don’t want from men (affection, a listening ear, feminine companionship, etc). For sure, many AAbw have allowed bm to warp their desire for marriage and cause them to be conflicted about marriage, Thus they spout stupid stuff about not being ready for marriage even though they’re sexing the man, cooking, cleaning for him, having babies by him, heavily contributing financially/more than he is to the relationship, supporting him emotionally, socially, and practically, etc. SMH

    In other words, since the vast majority of AA men don’t want marriage (“tied down” to one woman or not to a bw) and increasingly refuse to marry bw, they’ve convinced bw to also not want or not REQUIRE marriage. The males have convinced the women to give the “milk” (their bodies, hearts, time, energy, youth, money, other valuables) away for free, and the women therefore are giving away freebies while chanting that they don’t know why they shouldn’t just continue to give it all away for free.

    I’ve married twice because I REQUIRE marriage. I have a marriage MENTALITY. Each time that I wanted to marry, I put myself in environments where the men had a higher probability of being marriage-minded (more educated, higher income, from more traditional, stable backgrounds, etc,) and I actively probed for details about the type of relationship he wanted. If any man who was interested in me gave me any inclination that he had a different (non-marriage) goal for his association with me, I did a 180 and took myself out of his presence quickly. I considered myself to be a “good catch,” so why would I reward any man who wasn’t smart enough to know that he was about to lose me, And if his goals were different than mine, then we might be acquaintances in the future (if he had something else of benefit to me), but I definitely wasn’t going to allow him to tie me down, mating wise. Without telling any man all of my business, I’d let him know that as long as there was no ring on my finger, I was totally free, I’d let him know this subtly though. I wasn’t giving him an ultimatum because I only wanted to be with a man if he really, really wanted me.

    And remember, I’ve ALWAYS advocated that a marriage-minded woman date/closely mingle with 2-3 quality men simultaneously. She should assume that the men are doing something similar, This drastically cuts down on the time it takes to find a CQLL mate for marriage. For the record, quality men are the ONLY type of men I EVER would advocate associating with–for any marriage-minded woman. Any other type of man is off-limits.

    To be clear, dating/closely mingling does NOT mean she’s having sex with any of them,

    • @Evia,

      Thank you such much of these wise insights. I’m marriage-minded. No one has (or can) dissuade me from that. I understand the value of marriage and intend to experience it for myself. 🙂 I don’t listen to other women, AAbw or otherwise, spout nonsense, silly behaviors and practices, and embrace it as wisdom for myself.

      I see my critical, long-term error has been not putting myself in the right environment and the few times I was in the right environment I didn’t take advantage of it. It’s time that I select the right environment with high quality marriage-minded men (and women, for friendship). I’ve noticed that there are certain men who get married and stay married! They’re raised to value marriage and family and see it as a rite of passage.

      I’ve always realized the critical role that a social circle (can) play in my success, whatever the goal is. Gina mentioned the possibility that the potential husband is already in my social circle (which is, currently, very small). I’ve heard that before and hearing that again on this board means I must take a deep breath, push past my comfort zone and increase my social circle. Also, use a matchmaker! I’m feeling very encouraged.

      For any Black women, especially young Black women reading this post, please understand that you need a strong, healthy social circle around you at all times. Especially when you’re ready to marry.

    • Yes i heard about those. I don’t want to spool people but there have been many prime examples in the past of disasters striking (or even the mention of it) and mass panic setting in. I would encourage (again) anyone who lives in these area or outside of them to please take precautions and get supplies( before people begin to go on runs. It is better to be safe than sorry.

      • ITA. I am not trying to scare anyone, but it seems that AAs are usually the least prepared in disaster situations. I suggest ppl buy food (low fuss like soup), water, Gatorade and bleach.

        • Yes! that is something I’ve noticed too. That black people are the last to have any resources in these situations. It would behoove black people to have their shit together just in case things hit the fan

  88. Yes. I am making extra preparations. We are always prepared to feed ourselves for at least a week (especially if the power stays on!) But I’m going to beef up supplies tomorrow. On my usual grocery run I will be getting extra bottled water and picking up more rubber gloves, rubbing alcohol and lysol. A few face masks if they have them.
    And vitamin C http://orthomolecular.org/resources/omns/v10n13.shtml I figure it can’t hurt to have more than usual on hand, I always have some just for the cold season, and it should be good for a few years.
    This whole thing is reminding me of one of Khadija’s old posts: http://muslimbushido.blogspot.com/2009/04/geostrategy-nerd-close-proximity-to.html

    • Add at least two boxes of trash bags and Lysol to the list. A small amount of driedfoods are also good if you can swing it. It you don’t eat many fruits & vegtables, get yourself a bottle of muti vitamins. You need your imunne system at top performance right now.

      Trash bags are super important in the event someone in your house become sick you will probably need to bag and maybe even dispose( fire) the trash yourself.

      • The general rule for can goods is three cans per person per day at the basic level. NOI also has a basic level disaster preparedness recommendation list.

        Stay alert and be prepared ladies. Good bless you all.

      • Yep, I have about a year’s supply of trash bags. We only go to Costco a few times a year, and trash bags are ne thing that’s easy to get a big supply of. We are also equipped to bury decomposables like food scraps if needed.

  89. Homestead Glamour Girl,

    Thanks for the shout-out! I co-sign the suggestions you and others have made here. It’s not about scaring people. It’s about the consistently observed FACT that AAs are typically the least-prepared for ANY sort of emergency situation. It’s also about the FACT that, unlike White America, the AA collective is jam-packed with people with already compromised immune systems (due to self-induced poor nutrition, higher HIV and tuberculosis rates in Blackistan, fewer degrees of social separation between HIV- and tuberculosis-ridden jailbirds and “normal” AAs—like the chickenhead Rachel Noerdlinger who’s the first assistant to NYC’s First Lady, etc.—). I briefly considered doing a post making the same suggestions that you and others here have made. But I changed my mind. Anybody who’s not bothering to at least stock up on some supplies must not be concerned about any of this. Well, God respects free will, and so do I.

    I decided to mostly be quiet about this—just like our government. I see that in a potential pandemic scenario, the government strategy is to keep talking that “Everything’s okay. We’ve got it under control”-talk right up until the moment all hell breaks loose (if that is how this ultimately plays out).

    It makes no sense to panic. Panic is counterproductive. But it does make sense to be cautious and do what one can to be prepared. As far as I’m concerned, the U.S. government is not serious about prevention/stopping the spread of this plague. If they were, they would have banned any and all travelers from Africa from entering and/or returning to the U.S. If they were serious, they would also ban any and all travelers who are participating in this year’s hajj from entering/returning to the U.S. (In this plague context, the hajj is a perfect opportunity for a plague-infected person to mingle with people who will then return to their home countries and spread the plague in every corner of the planet.)

    *By the way, Ebola has spread to Sudan—it’s just that the Sudanese government has prohibited reporting about it. http://en.starafrica.com/news/sudan-bans-reporting-on-ebola.html

    • @Khadija

      I read that. Other governments will want to keep quiet and issue a media blackout. Even our government is leaving a few thing out. Why are doctors who are fully suited up when dealing with infected patients getting ebola?

      The government can’t won’t help us in this sort of situation. Hurricane Kutrina taught us that. The medical personnel at the Houston hospitol taught us that. Had his nephew, cousin, friend whoever the person is not started calling around after patient zero was discharged from the hospitol. He may still be out and about in the apartment complex. Eventually infecting the his partner and her five children. Five children who would have gone to school in the early stages with what may have presented to school officials as a bad cold, flu and or stomach bug. Thereby opening the door to further infection.

      *sigh*
      Let us all be glad ebola is an airborn disease.

      • Chicnoir,

        Yep, the government is leaving more than a few things out of their statements to the public. There’s an election coming up next month.

        Here’s the link to a book that’s been highly recommended by more than a few sources I read: Herbal Antivirals: Natural Remedies for Emerging & Resistant Viral Infections

        http://www.amazon.com/Herbal-Antivirals-Remedies-Resistant-Infections-ebook/dp/B00EEM7WDS/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1412442975&sr=8-2&keywords=Stephen+Buhner

        • @khadija and @chicnoir I have read that the government is not being entirely truthful about it being transmitted through the air… it makes one wonder if they’re lying about that what else are they hiding?

        • This is all kind of trippy because I remember (nearly 20 years ago) reading The Hot Zone and spending a cool two years (at least) slightly paranoid about ebola. If any of you are into reading things like that (I was at the time), it might be worthwhile.

      • —Why are doctors who are fully suited up when dealing with infected patients getting ebola?—

        They are level 4 biohazards and there is some… well there are “relatives” of the virus that are airborne… nonetheless I mentioned The Hot Zone below. I’m sure people will be bringing that up now that these outbreaks are happening.

        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Hot_Zone

        • I was just talking to someone about the HotZone the other day. I read a quote where Steven King(the king of scary) said it was one of the scariest thing he has ever read.

          I find myself shaking my head and at times giggling sadly because the government (state and federal) had a plan together to squash social unrest in Fergueson(kill’um and run them over with tanks) but really nothing in place for a bio terrorism attack.

          I’ve been reading and hearing about the threat of a bio terrorism attack well over ten years. Why does Texas and possibly other states, fail to have a plan in place?

          One of the major ways to stop a disease like this is to have a means to dispose of linens and other items of the sick.

          Kinda off topic…Hell the Europeans new to burn the linens and things of those who had smallpox. Why do you think they gave the blankets of the infected to the Native Americans?

          Every state should have a plan in place incase of bio terrorism. Every two years police and other emergency personnel should be required to do a thorough test run. Why every two years well people forget, die,and move on to other means of employment.

    • @ Khadija
      I just wanted to give a nudge to those who may be recently awakened from their slumber, and still rubbing the sleep from their eyes.

      I do have a post up at my blog with practical advice and links to easy checklists of supplies to get and actions to take.

      For instance it is a good idea to have some way to keep warm during a power outtage. If this thing hits it’s stride in the next month or two and incapacitates some of those who run and/or repair the electric grid, a power outtage that would normally last a day or two could stretch to a week or more–in the winter, when we can least afford such an event.

      What people need to keep in mind is that one disaster can increase the severity of another, and precipitate another. If we have a widespread pandemic, it can incapacitate the people who keep the everyday necessities of society running: farmers, food truck delivery drivers, doctors, grocery store workers, and the aforementioned electricity workers, for example. This can mean widespread food shortages and power outages. All of which can contribute to further trouble with the economy.

      I’m calling my firewood guy in the next few days. The last thing I need is to be in a cold house with the power out, and all the firewood delivery guys in bed sick! Normally I’d wait another month to lay in a few cords for the start of winter.

      • HomesteadGlamourGirl,

        I visited your blog, and the info that you provided was nice. I went to the store and picked up some canned goods and water last month. My plan was to buy some canned goods and bottled water every month when I do groceries, but I will pick up some more today.

        Have you tried/purchased foods from the Nitro-Pak Preparedness Center? They sell a lot of freeze dried, prepackaged meals. I may try saving up for the Family Dinner Entree Pak, which would be more than enough for me (~1 year supply), so I don’t have to worry about stocking up food for disaster situations.

  90. Sorry for the long post I just can’t believe it has taken this long to remove the bed linens and disinfect the home of patient 0. Like why are you increasing the likelyhood that those four people inside will become ill.

    Why wasn’t there a company in place with the permits already had to handle this sort of situation? I sincerely hope other states are moving to secure such permits in the event more people become infected.

    The reason the president and other high ranking goverment officials are telling us not worry is they are trying to protect the almighty stock market. Anything for a dollar.

  91. I know this may be off topic, but what is going with ISIS and the beheadings? Even my father was saying we need boots on the ground. Why is the president not putting boots on the ground? I told my friend who is a nurse to double glove and wear masks. How come the white doctors came over here covered up, but the African man was on the plane uncovered while putting people at risk?
    I will be stocking up on water and non perishable items as well. I would rather have them and not need them than need them and not have them.

    • Shaylah,

      You asked, “I know this may be off topic, but what is going with ISIS and the beheadings? Even my father was saying we need boots on the ground. Why is the president not putting boots on the ground?”

      Here’s my guess: As savage, Satanic, and gruesome as these beheadings are, there are logical reasons why the demons in ISIS engage in this behavior:

      (1) They want to provoke the U.S. into further damaging the U.S. economy by spending money the country can’t afford on “putting boots on the ground”—yet again—in the Middle East. After all, the joint Taliban & U.S. strategy of provoking the Soviet Union into spending money its economy couldn’t afford on fighting in Afghanistan worked. The wasted money, lives, and other resources spent on endless fighting in Afghanistan caused the collapse of what used to be the world’s other superpower called the Soviet Union. Bin Laden believed a similar strategy could work against the U.S.

      To a large extent, Bin Laden succeeded: The U.S. economy is no longer a financial superpower. Meanwhile, major governments who were smart enough to stay OUT of fighting Bush Jr.’s wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have prospered while watching the U.S. waste money it couldn’t afford in Iraq and Afghanistan. China, Russia, and Iran have done very well investing in their own economies while watching the U.S. waste money on fighting in the Middle East.

      [I’ll note for the historical record that the Afghans have defeated every single empire that invaded Afghanistan. They defeated and drove the British empire out of Afghanistan in the 1800s and early 1900s. They defeated and drove the Soviet empire and its troops out of Afghanistan around a century later in 1989. They’ve defeated and are driving the U.S. empire troops out of Afghanistan. It’s as if nobody who sets policy for the U.S. government was aware of this historical fact before deciding to stick around and occupy Afghanistan. Instead of simply leaving after destroying the Taliban regime.]

      This article discusses this strategy.
      http://seattletimes.com/html/nationworld/2014950510_osamaecon04.html

      In short, I think these beheadings are a trick bag to trick the U.S. into destroying what’s left of the U.S. economy by sending large numbers of troops back into the Middle East.

      (2) These gruesome beheadings are what’s called force multipliers in military terminology. From Wikipedia: “Force multiplication, in military usage, refers to an attribute or a combination of attributes which make a given force more effective than that same force would be without it.”

      In the case of ISIS, the widespread fear and terror created by these beheadings saves ISIS from having to use as many troops as they otherwise would. The fear created by these beheadings “encourage” Iraqi soldiers to run away instead of trying to fight ISIS.
      http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/jun/11/mosul-isis-gunmen-middle-east-states

      These beheadings also “discourage” people in the cities and towns captured by ISIS from resisting them.

      Anyhoo, anybody who’s interested in getting the scoop from a (somewhat racist, but knowledgeable in his field) retired military intelligence officer should check out this blog.
      http://turcopolier.typepad.com/sic_semper_tyrannis/iraq/

  92. @ Khadija,

    thanks for the education and enlightenment. I am going to read up more. The president gave a speech on how the economy has added new jobs. Not from where I see. I have another friend that works in daycare and the Uptown area has a mixture of Africans, Chinese and a lot of foreigners that live in her area. Thanks for preparing us and not scaring us because I think you have mentioned to be forewarned is to be forearmed. Well it sounds like something you will say LOL! Thanks again for you educating us on to take heed and suit up.

    • Gina,

      I wonder when will BW finally get it through their heads that BM don’t care about them. It is a waste of time and effort for any BW to put her resources and energy into supporting and caping for modern-day BM. BW march and fight for them, but they are silent when it is their turn to fight for the rights of BW who have made considerable sacrifices for them. The above is an extreme example, but even in my day-to-day activities I hear BM blatantly dismissing and ignoring the issues that face BW while expecting and wanting BW to support their interests.

      For example, one of the hospitals in our area puts on a minority MEN’S health fair where free blood pressure, diabetes, vision, and other health screenings are given. I was talking with one of my BM classmates who was helping with the health fair about it and asked whether the hospital or other community organizations have a similar program for women. His response was that there are already enough organizations focusing on health issues for minority women, so the hospital doesn’t need waste resources establishing a health fair for women. Ironically, this minority men’s health fair was established by a local, black, male physician.

      Even when BM have positions of power and privilege that allow them to help BW, they blatantly refuse to do so. They feel like helping BW is a waste because we don’t need or deserve it. However, they expect us to wholeheartedly support any issue that pertains to them. I should note that said BM student was recruiting me as a volunteer for this event, while simultaneously telling me that he thought minority women’s health issues are not important. Helping or propping up men who don’t respect or care about you is a losing situation.

      • Yes I have heard/read/seen BM say that BW already have enough services/programs and continue to hold onto that ideology even when presented with data that disproves that.

        But this Ferguson thing reminds me of a scene from a movie (because I watch too many movies). In the (awful) X3, there’s a scene where the “bad guys” are storming a base and the “good guys” are armed with new-technology weapons. The “bad guys” start to rush the base and Magneto holds up his hands to his “inner circle” and says “In chess, the pawns go first.” So all the nameless mutants rush the base, meet their demise and he says “that’s why the pawns go first.”

        What most BW don’t get (and honestly, I didn’t for a very long time) is that BW are being used as pawns– INTENTIONALLY. Most still believe these guys are “good guys” with the right goals. NOPE.

  93. I’m going to make this all the way REAL. In a pandemic or larger scale, prolonged disaster scenario (Katrina, NYC Blackout in late 1970s, etc.), those of you who are gathering emergency supplies had also better factor in how you’re going to protect your supplies because some of those people who are NOT preparing for such situations are going to take what you have IF they can.

    I experienced the NYC Blackout in the late 70s. The Blackout itself only lasted a couple of days but the effects of it were felt for days afterwards. It took many days for the the situation to get normal again and lots of people suffered in all kinds of ways. The weakest, poorest, most disconnected, or most vulnerable people suffered the most–as usual, but middle class areas were also hit hard. There was NO food at the large supermarkets almost instantly because the first people who got to the store either bought it all or stole it all. All the frozen food spoiled quickly since it was very hot in July and stores didn’t tend to have generators in those days. There was wide-spread looting. It was like the Wild Wild West. Looters were quickly selling half-rotten/rotten meat and other foodstuff they’d stolen and taking what they wanted from other people they could easily intimidate. The police did NOT respond because there was so much strife throughout NYC until everyone was on their own and let’s face it, the police were mostly guarding the banks and the homes or neighborhoods of the fat cats. LOL People couldn’t get gas for their cars, so they couldn’t go anywhere and it was dangerous to leave your house unless you were ready to hurt somebody or be hurt. I was in NYC visiting some African friends during these few days and I can remember that only the husband went out to try to get things. The woman and I stayed inside for days until things had normalized. I remember that a bunch of us did go out in their car after the lights came back on and it looked like a war zone in some areas due to the arson.

    So, these days, I’d suggest that having a supply of well-hidden cash money on hand is critically important because the ATMs may be dysfunctional and will quickly become depleted. And even trying to get to an ATM will be hazardous. You WILL need the cash money to possibly buy protection if you’re lucky, and you may even need the money to buy your life when stronger armed others see you or decide to pay you a visit.

    Women will definitely be in danger of rapes, so you need a supply of items to prevent disease and pregnancy. That may protect you physically but you must also prepare yourself emotionally beforehand to prevent long term emotional scarring afterwards. Not saying this WILL happen to anyone reading this, but we know that these rapes go and way too often, even in the best of circumstances.

    This is why some segments of people are now arming themselves, purchasing ammunition, and joining networks of others. Even in the recent Detroit situation, those people who had stockpiled water in their apartments were not safe IF others had known they had the water. That could have easily evolved into a “survival of the best-armed” situation if it had gone on for much longer because people know they can only last a few days without water.

    Just trying to keep it real. I want each of you to ask yourself WHO and where will you get help to protect your body and your supplies? Do NOT expect law enforcement to come.

    • Evia:

      I too experienced the NYC blackout in 1977, I was a teenager. It didn’t last a couple of days. In fact, it began at 9pm and our lights came back on at 8:30am the next morning. However, things didn’t get back to normal in places like Brooklyn or Queens, so you are right that some areas didn’t get back to normal for days, especially areas outside Manhattan. Also, at that time, the police were concerned that Son of Sam would strike again, he was caught the next month, but people were worried he’d strike during the blackout since so many people were outside then.

      But I was working for the City at that time, I though I didn’t go in to work the next day (which was a Thursday) I did go in to work on Friday. Yes, it was July and hot (I think it was July 13th to be exact), but the supermarkets in my area had food (and I lived in a black neighborhood at that time), and the police were around, I remember police cars all over the place that very night. Yes, there was a lot of looting during that blackout, but none during the last blackout in August of 2003. (which lasted longer than the one in 1977).

      But I believe that if you are preparing for disaster, keep it to yourself, it’s your business.

      • @Neurochick re:

        “I too experienced the NYC blackout in 1977, I was a teenager. It didn’t last a couple of days. In fact, it began at 9pm and our lights came back on at 8:30am the next morning.”

        Then y’all were lucky. Not the case in the area of Brooklyn I was in. And in some parts of NYC, there was no blackout at all. I’ve noticed that whenever there’s a blackout covering a large area and sometimes even a smaller one, the electricity comes back on at different times depending on the repairs on the grid & etc covering those different areas. For ex., after Hurricane Sandy, some people didn’t get their electricity back on for weeks, but some people got theirs back lots sooner.

        And I can recall that when I found out about the 2003 NYC blackout, Darren and I were sitting in a bed n’ breakfast down in Savannah, GA.

    • This is why you should have your passport and other papers in order. Have your car and extra gas stashed away just in case. If it breaks like hurricane Katrina you may need to cut your losses lock up and move out for a while. Black women do not fair as well as other women in disasters because we are not as protected and values as other women are by their communities and men. It is safest to move out if, your area is heavily impacted before they lock you in. Remember once they were locked in even if, they had things set up at home people were forced by gun point from their homes to the dome of doom in Louisiana and FEMA camps. At a certain point you must realize that they are going to clear your area and do forced evacuations so stay a step or two ahead and move out while it is still optional and you have the power to do so. Off road much anyone? Know an alternate path to neighboring states anyone? Just saying…

  94. To follow up on Evia’s practical comment about personal security during a crisis:

    Secrecy is the first line of defense. I would strongly urge anybody who’s preparing to keep your mouth shut about it! In terms of the people you know in real life, if a person isn’t ALREADY making preparations that include looking out for YOU if this Ebola thing gets out of hand, then don’t say anything at all to them about possible preparations.

    In general, AA women tend to overshare and talk too much to too many people about their hopes and plans. As a group, we blab too much in hopes of “saving” everybody who happens to be around us—like random relatives, random church members, etc. With no thought given to whether or not these individuals we’re trying to help are worthy of our assistance. And with no thought given to the probability that these same people will try to “bogard” our preparations. The DBR nephews, nieces, etc. that many AA women worry about will be the same ones to steal/rob these women of their supplies.

    Or these careless relatives and “friends” will run their mouths and blab about these women’s supplies to other predators who will then rob these women. This dynamic is why I’ve been paying close attention to the uptick over the past few years in cases in which BW’s weak-minded and/or DBR daughters have directly or indirectly caused their murder. Like this case from this summer.
    http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/flight-attendant-teen-daughter-charged-murder-article-1.1887640

    My point is that the stupid, weak-minded, clueless biological relatives that many AA women have the knee-jerk reaction of trying to help are often the SAME people responsible for these women’s downfall (or demise in extreme cases, such as the flight attendant). As far as I’m concerned, “family” = the people who by their actions have shown that they actively have my back. Using that definition, most of my actual family are not biological relatives. And most of my biological relatives are not family.

    I’m looking at the early stage of this Ebola situation as a test to confirm membership in my inner circle of trusted persons (= family). Anybody who isn’t already making preparations that include looking out for me in case of a possible pandemic is not part of my family. Praise God, the people I care about the most have yet again shown by their ACTIONS that they’re actively looking out for me—the people closest to me are all already doing what they can to prepare and we’ve all been making plans about what we can all do to support each other.

    This emerging Ebola situation has the potential to abruptly bring to a head many of the practical, nitty-gritty things that various BWE/Common Sense bloggers have been talking about over the years. We haven’t been talking about forming meaningful, mutually-supportive connections with others for no reason. Crisis situations give very harsh and painful lessons about the value of being part of mutually-supportive networks. About the value of marriage to emotionally healthy men who are protectors, providers, producers, and problem-solves. To be without a sensible, dependable man during a crisis is to be naked to the world during that crisis.

    It’s why I get so annoyed when I hear clueless, UN-protected AA women speaking rhetoric about “the politics of respectability,” “the male gaze” and all that other dumb sh*t that is quickly exposed as dumb sh*t during an emergency situation.

    • Yes! My family is choosing to do exactly this! When we by our supplies we bring them in when they neighborhood is calm away from prying eyes. There are number of people I work with that I have not mentioned this to, because truthfully I don’t want them beating down my door or trying to take advantage of me and my family. Thanks for bringing that up Khadija.

    • Exactly. Keep your mouth shut, seriously. I agree, black folks tend to talk too damn much, and you know something, it’s nobody’s business but your own; and you’re right Khadija, there is a huge difference between family of origin and family of affiliation. Sometimes you must turn your back on your family of origin in order to survive and thrive.

    • Yes and having quick meals that don’t smell up the place also helps as to attract fewer people. Also, have a second place that you are storing food like a hidden garden so as to have a back- up in case you are ambushed robbed by your DBRs you have a second stash that they don’t know about. Also take down most of your stuff and keep your cabinets looking bare and hit them up for food.

      I found that hitting up these kinds of people first keeps them away and stops them from asking you first. I used this to get moochers off my tail when I was much younger and had difficulties keeping them at bay. A week before my pay day I’d start hitting them up for money or whatever knowing that they wouldn’t give it to me. Then on my pay day I’d tell them that I had gone to a pay day advance place and had no money. Then I’d hit them up for some a five or twenty. They would say they didn’t have it and I wouldn’t hear from them for a long while. As when they called and asked I’d say I was just going to ask you the same thing.

      It helps to blend in and take the heat off of you if, you act somewhat up prepped just like them. Complain about long line or everything being gone too. So they think you are in the same boat and won’t come a running to you for stuff. Try to look not too far off from everyone else in a crisis.

      • firefly88,

        Hear, hear—I co-sign! As things continue getting tight, it’s imperative to blend in and look and sound like you’re suffering from the same problems as everybody else (who is totally unprepared, underemployed, or whatever the prevailing circumstances are in your area). To stick out is to make yourself a target. Or, as the Japanese say, the nail that sticks out gets hammered down.

        I read a forum by a guy named Selco who survived the Balkan wars in the former Yugoslavia. The real life experiences he describes are enlightening (to say the least). As of now, there’s a problem getting directly to his website. But I found several other sites that reprinted Selco’s post about how vital it is to blend in. Here’s the link to a site that republished his post “Blend In… People Will Hate You Even If You Help Them”

        http://www.shtfplan.com/emergency-preparedness/survival-imperative-blend-in-people-will-hate-you-even-if-you-help-them_06032014

  95. “It’s why I get so annoyed when I hear clueless, UN-protected AA women speaking rhetoric about “the politics of respectability,” “the male gaze” and all that other dumb sh*t that is quickly exposed as dumb sh*t during an emergency situation.”

    Exactly, Khadija, and those same women will be some of the same ones who’ll be trying to get YOUR man to help them! Those hetero women who claim they’re not interested in getting the “male gaze” from a quality man are totally full of IT! Only gullible folks believe them.

    And it is sheer common sense that in a crisis situation, MALES/MEN have a much greater advantage than women, for reasons that I’m sure I don’t need to lay out.

    This is why I’ve advised women to make sure they have at least one FULL set of male clothes, including a male hat stashed away, just in case. Dressing as a man and moving about silently could make the critical difference in (in terms of even minutes) in whether they escape the area or survive or not, or prevent them from being preyed on. Men are much more wary of other men–even if the male/man is smaller. Mostly any male would rather assault/prey on a woman than any size man–given a choice.

  96. If you have to bring anything in, I usually have those dark hefty bags because you can’t see what is in the bags.
    @ Evia,
    That is an excellent idea. You can purchase some thrift store clothes on 1/2 days and get a bag worth male clothes for about $20.00 or $30.00. I have male shoes outside the door because most men will think twice before going after a man. Also if you have to go some where I will leave the t.v on because most criminals don’t want confrontation and if they hear noise coming from a house, they tend to think twice if they want to break in. LADIES, PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE EXTRA KEYS UNDER THE RUG. If someone is standing or hanging around the hallways or mail boxes, tell your landlord because you don’t know what is on their mind and when getting into your car don’t leave anything in your backseat because they will attract car thieves. If you have a job at night , ask the security guard to walk you to your car and when arriving home, see if someone can meet you outside this is not to make us paranoid but we know what going on and we are preparing ourselves and our families.

  97. @chicnoir,
    I’m a big consumer of raw vegetables. Generally I have 2 large green salads a day. I’d really suffer in a longterm quarantine because I LOVE my fresh veggies and would be very grumpy living on chili, spaghetti and roast chicken. I keep a few months supply of multivitamins as a regular practice, but now’s a good time to top up my supply. Getting those dried berry/green vegetable powders is also a good idea, come to think.

    That reminds me, I have a dehydrator and I could at least get to drying things like zucchini, broccoli, and apples. I thought about what you said and picked up a box of heavy duty trashbags. Maybe regular kitchen bags won’t cut it.

    @APA,
    I’m glad you found the post useful! I have never tried the freeze-dried meals myself. My favorite survival guru, Jack Spirko (http://www.thesurvivalpodcast.com/) recommends you get a few to try before you commit pantry space and money to a pallet of ready-meals. The camping store will have some. I generally just stock up on canned goods, rice/pasta, meat for the freezer, flours, shelf-stable milks/cream etc. I will add a few to the list because those do last a long time
    @ Evia,
    Yes, having supplies is only half the battle. The other half is defending them and yourself. We are better off than many in that respect. Our location is pretty defensible, and we do have a few sensible and useful family members close by. Most of the adults in that group are fully grown men.
    @Khadija
    OPSEC! (Operational Security) I remember Evia advising AAbw who wanted to move toward abundant life to keep their plans to themselves and make their moves suddenly! This situation is no different.

    The Target I went to today was sold out of face masks. No problem, I figured, I know a tiny little pharmacy tucked away that you’d never notice unless you had to go there specfically. No dice.

    They were sold out as well.

    Now, this doesn’t mean that widespread infection and death is imminent. What it DOES mean is that enough people are paying attention that supplies are starting to be depleted. The early birds are out there as we speak, snatching up the worms. As I said in the post on my blog on this subject, the time to act is BEFORE the masses get a clue. Anti-diarrheal meds, fever reducers and decongestants are plentiful so far. I picked up some of those, it’s cheap insurance.

    I have a few N95 masks on hand on general principal, but I wanted a few regular masks because they are cheap and some kind of mask is better than no mask at all. I want to keep a few of those just for ordinary colds to prevent the spread of germs among family members in the house. Guess I’ll be hitting up amazon.

    I’ve started stocking up on bottled water as well. I have a pretty good water filter, but it’s SLOOWWWW, so I want plenty of water readily available without always having to wait.

    • I don’t know if i said it before but please link your website/ articles.
      Note to any others who have a blog that they believe would have useful information for other black women please link it if you get the chance.

      • The post at my blog is : http://myplaceinthesun.typepad.com/my_place_in_the_sun/2014/10/get-ahead-of-the-crowd.html I about fell over when Halima linked it as a useful site. 🙂

        I also want to mention that it was Khadija who recommended Jack Spirko’s blog years ago, so don’t just take my word that the man knows his stuff. Following some of his advice has already saved me money and inconvenience… it could one day save my and my family’s life. His philosophy is that being prepared all the time will make life easier, even if the sky doesn’t fall and the zombies don’t march. You take preparedness one step at a time and improve your situation a little more every day/week/month/year.

        I can’t recommend him enough.

    • HomesteadGlamourGurl,

      You said, “The early birds are out there as we speak, snatching up the worms.”

      Yep, and this dynamic applies to almost everything. While the masses of AAs sit around moaning and groaning about various issues, other people are quietly busy “snatching up the worms.” Other people consistently move FIRST to take advantage of available opportunities. Like you said, the time to act is BEFORE the masses catch a clue.

      The “first-mover advantage” applies to chess, business and life in general.

    • @HomesteadGlamourGirl

      “I remember Evia advising AAbw who wanted to move toward abundant life to keep their plans to themselves and make their moves suddenly! This situation is no different.”

      Thanks but to give accurate credit where the credit is actually due, it was CW (of Black Women Deserve Better) who was the first one of us, to my knowledge, circa 2007 to use the term: STEALTH when she urged bw to “keep their plans to themselves.”

      I know we’ve all talked so much about many closely associated BWE strategies and tactics until it’s now easy to give certain ones of us credit for just about everything, (lol) but I think it’s very important to keep the record as honest as possible and recognize individual ones of us for our contributions. I appreciate CW so much for stressing that “stealth” be put on the front burner for typical AAbw because honestly, at that point back in 2007, I didn’t even know that SO MANY typical AAbw were living under such physically and psychologically terror-filled conditions.

      • @Evia

        Thank you for giving credit where credit is due! I’m so inspired by the fact that so many voices have made themselves heard in BWE. That diversity of experience has made it that much richer, inspiring and more useful!

    • Try buying supplies on line and also, medical supply stores are often last hit and if, you ask or pay in advance they will hold yours for you to pick up. Make sure your masks fit well and are tested in them because if, they don’t fit well they are useless. Also try art supply stores that keep mask to protect artist dealing with heavy and toxic paints.

      Also while everyone is going for the tuna ladies go for the salmon yes canned salmon it is often wild caught more nutritious and far less pollutants than tuna. Water is good but also use buckets and get those huge water jugs as you will eventually need to sponge bath, wash clothing, and then use to keep your door area and such clean.

      Even if this turns out not to be the one. I would encourage all of you to lean jarring as you can keep food for years this way and reuse the jars as needed. Bleach is also needed as it kills most viruses and may just save your life if, you have to take care of someone infected.

  98. @homesteadglamourgirl

    Which brand of n95 masks do you prefer?

    I’m going to purchase two thermometers tommarow. Just in case someone becomes I’ll, I would certainly prefer to not infect myself or another relative with the contaminated there monsters.

    • I don’t know if one brand is better than another. I do have at least two different brands. Researching if some brands are known to fail is important, so I’m going to get on that.

      It’s a good idea to pick up some alcohol swabs to clean the thermometers after every use.

      • Alcohol swabs can be purchased in a lot of places, Staples sells first aid kits of various sizes, and when you look into purchasing gloves, make sure you aren’t allergic to latex, and some gloves come with powder inside so make sure you don’t have allergies to latex or powder before you purchase.

        • Use 70% isopropol alcohol as this is what disinfects due to the size of the molecule and mobility. A higher concentration doesn’t work as well as I have learned from my organic chemistry, microbiology classes and my job at a lab.

          also it is important to have a fit test for the n95 masks because if, it is not a snug and perfect fit it will not protect you. They have you put on the mask in a room and then they spray either a mint or strawberry spray and if you can smell or taste it the mask must be changed to another size or fit.

          Get Gloves and plastic aprons and shoe and head covers too. Also learn how to put on and remove personal protective equipment as not know how is a major cause for infection. Also get into the habit of not touching your face as that is how most people catch most viruses.

          Also washing with soap and water is way more effective and safe than using those hand sanitizers that the hospitals are phasing out as they are not nearly as effective as soap and water and can make super bugs with over use.

          If you can spreading out and getting out of a crowded city will help as crapped conditions are a breeding ground for viruses and bacteria.

        • You are welcome Chicnoir I’m glad the information helps. Let’s hope it’s not needed this time around.

  99. @ Black Petals

    When I vetted my matchmaker, I did the following:

    a. Asked for references (do not just accept pictures or written testimonials; speak with former clients)

    b. I also asked if both her male and female clients are paying for the service (this was important to me because when a man puts out the money for this service, he is serious about finding a relationship that leads to marriage versus casual / serial dating.)

    c. Have an in-person initial consultation (any reputable matchmaker will consult with you about the engagement without charge)

    d. During the consultation, pay attention to how much time she/he spends with you (My matchmaker spent more than an hour during the first consultation)

    e. Make sure that the matchmaker is also vetting you (this is important because it is an indication of how well she/he vets the men using her service)
    i. My matchmaker did a background check for both criminal and financial fitness
    ii. My matchmaker also spent a significant amount of time going through my relationship history with me and asked a lot of questions about those relationships

    f. If you have a preference for a non-black man, make sure that is discussed during the consultation and pay attention to how the matchmaker reacts. If they seem hesitant or try to push the “but are you sure, wouldn’t you like to date black men…..” then you probably want to look for another matchmaker. Not all hesitation in this respect is due to racism; it could be that they are unsure if their male clients are open to interracial relationships or they know their clients are not open to it.

    I hope this helps.

    • @lostgirl

      This helps, indeed! This is incredible advice and I can vet the matchmakers with a critical eye and eliminate guesswork. As far as I’m concerned this advice helps move me one step closer to finding a quality husband and getting that ring on my finger. 😀

      Thank you so much!

  100. Ladies,

    Take this with a large grain of salt, but here’s what I’ve been reading about so far online while researching herbal supplements to support one’s immune system:

    I’ve seen references to Elderberry syrup. Even before the Ebola situation, some folks have claimed that taking a teaspoon per day helps prevent catching the flu.

    I’ve also seen references to Echinacea. While shopping at Whole Paycheck…err, Whole Foods today I ran across a syrup supplement that has Elderberry, Echinacea and Vitamin C called Dr. Dunner Sambu Guard. It seems to be well-regarded by those who took the time to leave reviews on its Amazon page.

    Let me emphasize that everyone MUST do their OWN due diligence. Especially if one is already taking any sort of medication. Herbal supplements are NOT a joke, and should be regarded as seriously as prescription medications. Herbs are the basis of many modern medications. Just like other medications, herbal supplements can interact with (and/or interfere with the effectiveness of) prescription medications. And just like other medications, specific herbal supplements should not be used in certain situations.

    For just one example, some herbal supplements can have dangerous interactions with heart medications.
    http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/consumer-health/in-depth/herbal-supplements/art-20046488

    For another example, grapefruit and grapefruit juice can have dangerous interactions with certain medications.
    http://www.fda.gov/downloads/ForConsumers/ConsumerUpdates/UCM292839.pdf

    Just because something is natural does NOT mean that it’s safe for every single person under every single circumstance.* A good place to read up on basic info about common herbs and botanicals is here: http://nccam.nih.gov/health/herbsataglance.htm

    [*A moment of “I Told You So” to the former blog readers who were enraged whenever I (or other BWE bloggers) refused to support fat-acceptance ideology. Obesity leads to unnecessary and early onset of health problems that require constant use of medication, such as high blood pressure medications, etc.

    Which, if you’re a sensible and savvy patient, means having to concern yourself with whether something as simple as having a cup of grapefruit juice with breakfast will put you in the ER (because it interacts with your obesity-related medications). Personally, I prefer not to be dependent on medications. I like being able to enjoy things like grapefruit without having to factor in potential dangerous drug interactions.

    Fat-cheerleading BW can play dumb and pretend if they want to, but being on medication is not a joke. Or anything that anybody who wants to live an abundant lifestyle should accept as some sort of rite of passage.]

  101. Khadija

    Right you are about the fat thing. It is dangerous being fat and in an emergency can cost you your life too. I also wanted to say thank you for your comments they are always so informative and helpful.

    • firefly88,

      You’re welcome!

      Before I switched over to writing fiction, I had started preliminary research on an ebook about herbal remedies. I expect modern Western medications to become prohibitively expensive for growing numbers of Americans as the economy continues to slump. A lot of folks will be forced to look into herbal and other natural remedies as time goes by.

      As even more time goes by, I expect folks will have to seek out locally grown herbs that can be used as remedies (as the more exotic, foreign-grown ones become out of reach due to price, transportation costs, and/or the slowdown/breakdown of international trade and transportation networks). Time will tell, as it always does.

  102. I’m making the following blistering comment about the de Blasio (mayor of NYC) current controversy and I’m basing it solely on what’s in the news. I say that because I don’t know for sure how factual any of this is. But IF the news is accurate, I stand completely by everything I say.

    Black women and the DBR men they pick! This is really just jaw-dropping! IF this Noerdlinger woman (Chief of Staff for Chirlaine de Blasio) had taken advantage of her broadened options in men, this need never have happened. You would think that this high-status bw could have found a man who had NOT done time for these SERIOUS crimes and if she was going to hitch her wagon to an ex-con’s, she should have never taken this job

    But the fact is that numerous AAbw DO have a “preference” for criminals and thugs. This is what I mean when I say that a lot of AAbw have “peculiar” tastes in men. I know some of y’all won’t admit that, but this is too apparent to continue to lie about it. This should just be denounced by ALL sensible AAbw and any bw who make these kinds of choices should just be socially ostracized from now on because they ARE a liability. That is, if AAbw want the image of their group of women to improve.

    And another thing is that there is a good portion of decent bm out there who I would consider average guys with no flash or “edge” but those guys don’t bring the chaos and drama that men like this woman’s boyfriend does. So lots of AAbw who just “got to have a bm” don’t want those decent average guys.

    So I’m doing a departure from my usual position here because I’ve just had it with typical AAbw and the suicidal-genocidal decisions they make. These women aren’t just dragging themselves down, they’re dragging all of us in the group down with their Blackistani decisions.

    I know some AAs don’t like to face it, but this is the MAIN reason these days why some people SHUN AAs. Too many AAs make piss poor decisions. It’s not that women in other groups don’t make bad decisions in men, but the stupendously HIGH rate at which AAbw make these mistakes is just off the charts. SMH

    This woman will now become known as “Chirlaine de Blasio’s friend whose boyfriend is a killer.” Chirlaine should have put distance between herself and this woman as soon as she found out any of this. This woman should have NEVER taken this job. And even if she did, she should have used some of her own PR knowledge about handling situations like this and publicly resigned and offered to face the consequences BEFORE this caused the de Blasio administration any harm! Since she lied by omission and did not disclose that she was living with an ex-con boyfriend, she is a BIG liability to BOTH of the de Blasios and his sticking by this woman because she’s his wife’s friend is both “favoritism” and “nepotism.” This is a VERY bad decision on his part and it will come back to haunt him.

    http://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/07/nyregion/de-blasio-stands-behind-aide-who-omitted-boyfriend-on-background-check-form.html?ref=nyregion

    • In private industry, this would be a no-questions firing. I’ve witnessed, and dealt with, people being fired for far less serious omissions on employment documents.

      I have become convinced that the vast majority of BW DO NOT and WILL NOT take advantage of “more options” to make better choices. We see this all the time when it comes to people in positions of high visibility (celebrities, and people in prominent careers). They then become the representatives of the collective choices of BW, and we all catch heat for it.

      I have a WW colleague who was once in a relationship with a reformed BM criminal. In everything you could see, he was reformed as he had become a prominent figure in mentoring younger children, and establishing a social non-profit. I remember having the discussion with her about she “could afford to” take that chance because there is a social safety net for her, as well as consequences for him if he got out of pocket.

  103. These are all very excellent suggestions, and thanks to you all! I just have one more to add – in the face of this pending Ebola pandemic, it is always good to have a supply of coconut water on hand. It is very good for re-hydration and for restoring electrolytes lost to the body due to diarrhoea & vomiting. It is used in many tropical countries to successfully treat stomach flu and other illnesses which cause a rapid loss of body fluids. Coconut water is also being used in Sierra Leone, one of the hard hit areas, to treat patients suffering from Ebola. This is a means of treating the illness and mitigating its effects. It is not a cure. Natural coconut water is best, but it does not keep very well, so get the prepackaged coconut water with a longer shelf life. My husband and I have stocked up on this as well.

    http://www.fitbalancetraining.com/homenatural-remedies-for-the-stomach-flu/

    http://awoko.org/2014/07/15/sierra-leone-news-coconut-water-to-hydrate-ebola-patients/

  104. I read the article of the Chief of Staff of the deBlasio administration and she needs to be fired or resign. Not to be off topic, it seems to me that you have Black women who are DBR’s. When a black woman is dbr, she does greater damage because other females around her see this and think what she is doing is ok. The actor that plays the father on 7th heaven has admitted to molestation charges. He was working on an new movie and they fired him with a quickness. They were planning on showing reruns of the show and the network cancelled it. BLACK FOLKS AND BLACK WOMEN IN PARTICULAR ARE WAAAAAAAY TO FORGIVING. Back to the subject of protecting ourselves, this why in preparing for disasters, we must keep our mouths closed. Whites and other folks have no qualms about getting rid of people that will make them look bad and cut their losses. Now that is money the cast of 7th heaven will miss because of one individual. The residuals they would have receive have come to halt. I have been storing water, extra blankets, socks and go to medicines.Also better neighborhoods have more things in tact, so I can get fresh items and don’t have to worry if something is out of stock because non-black neighborhoods have a better turnover of products versus stores in food deserts which tend to not have food store plentiful and a lot of the products tend to expire sooner. Also if you work in healthcare, use those alcohol swabs to wipe down phones and keep lotion on you for hand washing every time you enter and exit a patients room.

  105. My mom and I have been saying that to each other, and to anyone who would listen, for years.

    I heard that about the “7th Heaven” actor. The thing about forgiveness is that forgiving someone just means not allowing them to live rent free in your head, it means to give up the resentment which will just hurt you. It does NOT mean remaining friends or going out to lunch with someone. Sometimes you have to cut a person off for your own safety/sanity. What do they say to people who are newly off drugs/alcohol, “stay away from people, places and things.”

    And this is not a bad thing folks, this is healthy. Too many bw will say, “but they’re my father, mother, brother, sister….” I say, “How much do you want to get well/stay healthy?” You’d be surprised how many bw will run right back to sorry black men.

  106. @Shaylah re:

    “Not to be off topic, it seems to me that you have Black women who are DBR’s. When a black woman is dbr, she does greater damage because other females around her see this and think what she is doing is ok.”

    I don’t consider this situation off topic at all. DBRness is a much bigger epidemic and has already maimed, killed, and been a pox on the lives of far more black girls and bw than any/all of these other viruses or other emergency situations.

    As you say, because of the high profile of this Noerdlinger bw, I’ll bet many young bw see her and other bw of her ilk as role models.

    Sadly, black girls and younger bw have next to zero high-profile bw role models these days, There are barely any visible AAbw role models (that I’m aware of) worth emulating, whereas we used to have so many more. Bw watch each other. They know that there are a LOT of bw of this stature who lay up with DBRs or have been infected by their own strain of DBRness. So, yes, they do a lot of damage. They make the poison seem normal and natural. Young black girls and bw are not only trying to copy Beyonce, Rihanna, and Nicky Minaj; they’re also trying to copy the “successful” bw of this type who have multiple degrees, some (like this one) from Ivy League schools, high positions, and all of the other trappings of having “arrived” but DBRland/Blackistan is still their home.

    Anyway, I’m done.

  107. Was running this over in my head… as our lves as black women have so little value to others.
    we must always be vetting and making adjustments in who we are with and what we do.

    Too bad there is not a guide for young women who are looking to get DBR’s both male and female off their backs and how to spot them. It can be difficult if, you are not a DBR nor want to be one and have no guide or way to get an understanding of what to do to get these people off and away from you. I just looked on for black women only site and saw that a young black woman who was not a DBR got killed by a DBRBM and it got me to thinking about strategies for avoidance, and ways to get them to go on their own without putting yourself at risk with minimum risk.

    A few things I learned early on and have found help to this day are 1. avoidance this means taking another route, changing times, and not going certain places. I know this is a pain, but these DBR’s are crazy and if, you seem okay and doing fine they will attack you. I do my best to hang out in the nicer part of town even if, I don’t live there. I place myself in groups of others so ass to make it hard for DBR’s to get access to me in public, and even though certain route are convenient I’ll take another route if, it is safer and goes by a police department or fire department or hospital. these are places that people with records and bad intent avoid.

    2. Spot them before they spot you and do your best not to get into confrontations. I have in the past given a fake number out to a man that insisted on having my number, I’ve also blocked the number or just not answered. In such cases I also find a reason to leave soon after too. You can also with the pay as you go phone have the phone in a different name so if, they try to find you through your phone number it is impossible. I picked an old actress from the 1930’s that few people know and I also give that as my name if, cornered by an aggressive DBR.

    If they are closer like a relative I find not being a flake as in not being dependable for them and asking them for stuff is a good way to get them gone. Also, keeping them out of your house and have them spend money to see you is a way to make them leave too. You must also stop caring about their harping and stop having anything to say about their anything. Always have them thinking you are busy with stuff they don’t want to do and can’t be bothered with. People I’m avoiding think I study 24/7 and live like a monk.

    3. if you have friends or family that have attached themselves to DBRs it is time to cut contact as much as possible and fade out if, this person is around long term. I don’t call certain family because of who they are married to and I only see one of them when I’m sure that the DBR is not with them and then only for short periods of time. If, this is going to cause a blow out just don’t tell them why and just do what needs to be done to protect you. Remember you don’t owe them an explanation specifically if it will bring harm to you.

    I’ve noticed that these people fit into two camps the ones that won’t call that often and the ones that blow up your phone. I return phone calls to these people few and far between and some I now never call or return calls. I also keep all information private and kill small talk. These are just a few things I’ve picked up over time and have practiced on certain people. I also know how to use the big mouth person who spreads everyone’s business. I make sure they know I have nothing and could use some money. It always gets back fast to the users and they stay away.

    • Firefly88,

      Your methods of making sure dbr/leeches avoid u by making them think u will try and leech off them as they are trying with u is hilarious but very effective!!!!

      I have relatives who can go years without ever talking to my parents then all of a sudden, call out of nowhere and expect my parents to help them out with all sorts. The moment you give them, they come back for more an more.

  108. When dealing with self defense the best defense is a good Offense. And Firefly88 this is what you and others posting here are saying. When I studied martial arts (ladies are you getting that subtle hint) we were thought be Aware in order to Avoid problems and if unavoidable take Action on said problem.

    So we need to be AWARE of what is going on in your immediate and global environment (Crime waves/rapists; Health Scares; Racial Riots; or the everyday business as usual of Black Women being Pimped for their resources…etc.)

    If possible AVOID problems (move out of Blackistan; avoid DBR persons; change routes; etc.)

    Take the appropriate ACTIONS (Say No; Get Physically and Mentally Fit; Save your money; Fight Back when (because) your life depends on it; Run; Lie; Call for Help; Get a New Job; Learn a New Language; Stock Up on Supplies; Learn How to use a Face Mask; Learn How to use Mace; Date with a Purpose…etc.)

    It’s not all doom and gloom. Just have a Plan and Execute It while staying Neutral.

  109. Stirling Silliphant on studying with the Late Great Bruce Lee

    Stirling speaking—So I then began to see the wisdom of his combat psychology. “The guy who’s got the knife is at a disadvantage. He will clearly lose the fight,” Bruce said confidently. “The reason is very simple. Psychologically, he only has one weapon. His thinking is therefore limited to the use of that single weapon. You, on the other hand, are thinking about all your weapons: your hands, elbows, knees, feet, head. You’re thinking 360-degrees around him. Maybe you’re considering some form of escape, like running. He’s only got a lousy knife. Now he might throw it at you – let him. You still have a chance to avoid it, block it, or he misses you. You’ve got all the advantages, when you think about it.”

    This is what I feel believe the pioneers of BWE have armed BW with a strategy that is 360 in thinking. Just because White Feminist; DBRB/WM/Misleaders; Transgendered or POC tactics that are meant to derail or keep BW underfoot, doesn’t mean BW have to be sitting ducks and be harmed by their single minded weapon. Use these blogs (OLS; Evia: Khadija: Neecy; Sara (old blog is still up); Halima: et al) as your training ground/dojo and implement what makes sense to you.

    The comments to this particular post covered a large range of topics this summer. I hope we were taking notes. Even Evia commented that some of information/gems shared should have been posted in private. But we were allowed to have access to this valuable information for free. I hope we take full advantaged of everything on here. I had some mind blowing revelation — the whole transgendered movement and the displacement of BW. ((((wow))))

    But I see our distractor/attackers “thinking is therefore limited to the use of that single weapon” right now We HAVE MORE POWER THAN PEOPLE KNOW. USE IT.

  110. What’s happening in that one Texas hospitol just proves when SHTF, you are on your own. Most people wait until the water starts pouring in before they seek higher ground. Get your supplies at the basic level just in case this things gets out of control.

    Another site that sells survival things are “budk”. Its a ligit site. I have a friend IRL who orders knives and other things from the site and they’ve had no issue.

  111. things really have the potential to get wild. What is going to happen when people become afraid of medical staff? Nurses and phlebotomist are the ones who most often from this disease. Most contact and handling of specimens. They are in the belly of the beast. Yet have to fight to get coverage to do their job and not being given proper training, equipment, and general support. The USA could end up looking like those west African countries really fast with no one wanting tot take in people from or living in the USA.

    The government cut FDA, CDC, and other emergency support long ago even if, funding is restored now and staffing level filled all of the training needed means it is too late to be most effective.

    My suggestion now is stay close to home no crowded places and eat at home. Get plenty of fresh air and sun and consider going to work early or later than rush hour especially if, you use public transportation. I’m considering biking or walking to school and biking or going in early to work. Also, if you haven’t yet get your passport now and save up you money just in case because for black women in a disaster our chances of survival are better if, we keep moving.

    This also brings up the fact that even after you have been cured you can still spread it through semen and vaginal fluids. Again vetting and knowing someone really well before you do anything serious with them is a must now.

  112. Hi there,

    I am just writing a quick email to confirm what you girls are saying about certain neighborhoods. I’ve just read an article about “Picket Report”.
    To quote : “Fair housing laws prevent real estate agents from telling you exactly who lives in the neighborhood, so Picket Report does that for you.” It “helps people who are moving or relocating select the best neighborhoods to live in by providing detailed information about lifestyle, schools, neighborhood, crime and safety ”
    The article is here: http://www.mlive.com/news/detroit/index.ssf/2012/04/quicken-backed_real_estate_sit.html

  113. A word of encouragement. It’s never too late to enter the STEM fields! If you’ve been through the BWE paradigm shift, you already have what it takes to overcome your avoidance/fear of “hard” STEM work. It just takes another slight change of perspective. No one starts off being the head researcher/engineer on day one, but you can get there even if you didn’t start out as a science/math whiz in school/university. This professor offers a free video series on the techniques she used to transition from a “poetry/languages only” person to an electrical engineer (after college and first career):

    “How I Rewired My Brain to Become Fluent in Math”

    http://nautil.us/issue/17/big-bangs/how-i-rewired-my-brain-to-become-fluent-in-math-rd

    IMHO, if some of the partying college students I knew could get a STEM field degree in four years (in between school clubs, sports, intoxication, socializing, and searching for the meaning of life and general procrastination), a focused grown woman can do it in two or three. Also, you might consider getting a part-time job as a research assistant or data entry assistant in a lab, just to reinforce what you are learning, familiarize you with the “lab culture”, and supplement your income. As others have stated earlier, now is the time to take advantage of the various STEM initiatives by federal, state, and private organizations.

    Thanks so much OLS, Khadija, Evia, Halima, and other ladies…I have been reading your work for a couple of years and it has been literally life-saving. I am currently a busy bee making changes, but I hope to comment more often in the future.

    • Great suggestion

      Use any typos I’m responding from my phone.

      This is a great idea, however I just want to add one thing: if you want to go after the t in stem, and you already have a degree, you do not need to get another.

      There are boot camps to bring people in and get them up to speed in a year or less, especially women.

      My friend is in one of these, not to become a programmer, but to have or knowledge to be a tech entrepreneur.

      I am not against having A degree. however if you already have one there is not necessarily a need to get a second one. I was once reading advertising demographic research and the data about black women was interesting.

      If you compared similar groups, black women were more likely to have a college degree but earned less money, and had fewer other resources that we normally associate with earning power. An example would be the average home value was much lower.

      We can attribute a portion of that to the reality that we make less than our white counterparts and our male counterparts. However, there is another possible reason for this and that is that we are “over degreed” with respect to the actual jobs that we go into. student loan debt could also factor into this.

      I say this to point something out, I think we have a tendency to default towards getting a degree without putting enough time into understanding if there are other ways to accomplish the same objective in less time and by spending less money on education.

      These tech Boot Camp typically are not necessarily market it to blacks. Stands to reason that in some of the other stem fields, because I know there are some where you definitely need a degree, that you can get “” there without a four-year degree or a masters degree by using these other program.

      An example before I go. I was a business major. Most business majors, at that time, were getting degrees in accounting to get a CPA to work for one of the big accounting firm. However these firms also recruited good students, from other disciplines, to put them through a boot camp so thy could take the CPA exam.

      Moral of the story: find a way to work the system

      • Thanks, Gina for adding some clarity to my comment, in which I compounded a lot of ideas into one without realizing it! I second everything that you said. STEM initiatives include various bootcamps, training, and certification programs outside of the traditional “degree” system, especialy for the “T” in stem.

        I should have stated that I was using “degree” purely for a term of comparison. You can acquire a comparative level of knowledge and skill as a STEM degreed person in a shorter time than most people think, with or without an official diploma. Definitely enough to get you going with a working knowledge of your field.

  114. poweredbyjoy,

    You’re welcome! And THANK YOU and Gina for bringing some “reality check” fresh air to the topic of BW & advanced education.

    Imma say it the blunt way: I’ve recently been horrified by some of the comments on a couple of BW-centric Facebook pages regarding higher education. I’m all for education. My issue was that the various BW who were talking about college (for journalism—with the ultimate goal of being a reporter) and law school didn’t seem to have considered the current day economic realities of those fields. Let me stress that I’m NOT trying to be a dream-killer or trying to fart on anybody’s parade.

    My point of concern touches on something that Gina mentioned about so many BW being “over degreed.” Being over degreed is just fine and dandy if one is already wealthy and can afford it. But going into massive debt for a degree that WON’T help you put food on your plate is ill-advised as far as I’m concerned.

    My concern was that the Black folks who were discussing this didn’t sound as if they had done any research whatsoever about the economic prospects of the industries they want to enter.

    First, journalism. Here’s a link about overall statistics.
    http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2014/08/06/the-job-market-tightens-but-new-journalism-grads-remain-upbeat/

    But to get the real flavor of what’s been happening in that industry I would recommend this blog (which ended earlier this year) by a former USA Today editor and reporter who blogged about Gannett and the news industry during 2007-2014. Anybody who’s contemplating going into debt to get a journalism degree needs to browse through the archives of that blog and read what industry insiders have been talking about. Starting with the posts tagged “Layoff Stories.”
    http://gannettblog.blogspot.com/search/label/Layoff%20Stories

    As for the notion of going to law school in the current era. I’ll say this: In terms of market prospects, going to law school was already a questionable idea back when I was in law school 20+ years ago. The market was already oversaturated with attorneys. Across the board—across all sorts of practice areas. It’s much worse now. The BW I have in mind from another website apparently wants to do public interest law.

    Doesn’t she know that the local governments, federal agencies, and charities that pay the salaries for those kind of charity legal service are in the midst of budget squeezes and/or going broke? The public interest law jobs she’s talking about are in the process of going away. For good, I believe. Private practice isn’t better. Here’s a quote from an Oct. 2013 post from a blog called Subprime J.D.:

    —-“4 years out of law school

    I graduated law school in June of 2009, in the darkest days of the “great recession” which I believe is a full blown depression masked by emergency measures undertaken by the U.S. central bank. My journey replicated that of many fellow lower tiered JD’s. I struggled to find employment and I didn’t get a full time associate position until December of 2010, 17 months post graduation. I stayed there for two years and was effectively forced to leave as financial troubles engulfed the firm.”—-

    http://subprimejd.blogspot.com/2013/10/4-years-out-of-law-school.html

    It took me a looong time to pay off my law school student loans. Even with staying in my parents’ home several years after law school so I could pay it off quicker. And my debt burden wasn’t even bad in the first place (because I had a partial scholarship for law school and I was blessed that my parents paid for my undergrad experience). I get really skittish when I hear folks casually talking about signing up for higher education debt when they don’t sound like they’ve done any research whatsoever into their prospects for a return on their investment.

    Far too many AAs are caught up in Business As Usual, and assuming that things are as they were during previous generations. Many generations ago, it was reasonably safe to assume that an undergrad college degree or an advanced degree would provide a livable return on the investment needed to get it. This hasn’t been true for a very, VERY long time. I hope more of us come to that realization.

    • —Far too many AAs are caught up in Business As Usual, and assuming that things are as they were during previous generations. Many generations ago, it was reasonably safe to assume that an undergrad college degree or an advanced degree would provide a livable return on the investment needed to get it. This hasn’t been true for a very, VERY long time. I hope more of us come to that realization.—

      I remember recently reading complaints (on Facebook) from (all women, it should be noted) who are in a low-paying “helping” profession (as you have written about), complaining about being “underpaid and over worked” (does that qualify as a trope?).

      But this profession has always been low paid. So what can you say? In all the years that people have argued that (profession) should be paid more than (usually athletes or entertainers) so if you CHOOSE to get that degree, WHY complain?

      But too often I see this with BW because we believe ALL degrees have value and have more value than not having a degree. I wouldn’t take back my degree for anything. Even though people who do what I do (entrepreneurs) are often the most vocal about not having/needing a degree. But that was a different time when you could reliably make $45-50K starting, if you were a top student with the right credentials.

      But guess what? Those wages are still the same! More than 15 years later!

      When I was in college, you had to go to the library and get the books and special issues of magazines that kept the stats on the degrees, schools, job placement and salaries. The internet was in its infancy. Now… you can get it on your phone.

      There’s just no excuse.

      • Gina,

        You said, —“But too often I see this with BW because we believe ALL degrees have value and have more value than not having a degree. I wouldn’t take back my degree for anything. Even though people who do what I do (entrepreneurs) are often the most vocal about not having/needing a degree. But that was a different time when you could reliably make $45-50K starting, if you were a top student with the right credentials.”—

        Well, there you have it! Not all degrees have value in terms of enabling one to feed oneself. Each individual person’s mileage will vary on what sort of higher education will give them the most bang for their buck while enabling the most self-actualization.

        It’s interesting, and it reminds me of something my father (quite correctly) told me when I was in high school applying for college. As difficult as it may be for some readers to believe, I was an artist while I was in high school and had a commercial art internship at a design agency. Instead of buying all of my official school supplies, I bought charcoal, sketchpads and watercolors. I had originally entertained the notion of defying my parents’ wishes and going to the School of the Art Institute of Chicago until my father pointed out something I hadn’t considered. He pointed out the importance of having as much CONTROL as possible over one’s career/vocation. And how, at the end of the day, the “the suits” (agents, lawyers, accountants, business executives, etc.) control every artist’s destiny.

        He was right. That thought of being totally beholden to others to get my art out into the world was upsetting and scary. He was also right that it made much more sense to be a “suit” AND an artist. All of this was when dinosaurs roamed the earth during the pre-internet age. These control dynamics have been somewhat mitigated by the internet and modern artists’ ability to leapfrog over all the Gatekeepers In Suits. But what’s happened is that various self-publishing/self-distributing artists have been forced to learn a portion of “suit” skills. Be that as it may, it is still nearly impossible for certain categories of artists—such as indie musicians and singers—to sustain themselves by their art. Digital music means an indie musician can get their music in front of the public, but the vast majority won’t be able to reliably put food on their plates with their music. http://www.geek.com/geek-pick/indie-band-reveals-how-tough-it-is-to-make-money-with-digital-music-1418287/

        As much as I love the liberal arts, the era for non-rich people getting degrees in Underwater Basket-weaving, Teaching, Black Studies, Crusading Journalist/Crusading Lawyer/Crusading Social Worker, Etc. is long since over. I’m sorry, but those sorts of degrees are a fast-track to financial insecurity and ultimately, food insecurity for those folks who aren’t independently wealthy.

        • Thanks for replying to my earlier comment, Khadijah! As evidenced by your experience above, good parental advice, or wise counsel from some corner, is priceless in our formative years! As a former teacher, I witnessed the “tracking” of middle and high school kids into dead-end sectors under the banner of “choice”. Often the labels and jargon for various education policies sounds very positive and futuristic and inclusive, but they are creating an informal caste system within even so-called “good” public schools.

          One high school I taught at had about 10 different “diploma paths” with equally impressive-sounding names, but I soon realized that the “best and brightest” teachers only taught classes for two of these “pathways”, and there was a tightly-knit network of those teachers, community/business leaders, and the parents of the “chosen-track” kids. The classes in the other 8 tracks were overcrowded and taught by the burnout and borderline teachers, or teachers who had committed some faux pas to get them “demoted” to teaching there.

          Without common-sense parenting and due diligence, navigating the politicized waters of today’s educational system can be a very risky gamble for any young person, especially an AA woman.

        • —He was also right that it made much more sense to be a “suit” AND an artist… These control dynamics have been somewhat mitigated by the internet and modern artists’ ability to leapfrog over all the Gatekeepers In Suits. But what’s happened is that various self-publishing/self-distributing artists have been forced to learn a portion of “suit” skills… Digital music means an indie musician can get their music in front of the public, but the vast majority won’t be able to reliably put food on their plates with their music. —

          Funny you mention this. Just last week I got into a Facebook debate with an artist over whether or not suits should give artists a percentage of sales. This was over the type of work that is almost always considered “work for hire” (graphic design) as opposed to work that “is the product.”

          I pointed out to her that the ego of this is precisely why so many artists don’t mesh well with suits as I have seen this over and over again over my entire professional career. Artists get bitter and have the ego that the suits can’t survive without them, meanwhile the suits go and just HIRE ANOTHER ARTIST WITH NO EGO.

          I also know artists who are stagnant because they are waiting to “develop” suit skills because the suit skills are not respected as a profession unto themselves, they are just “greedy corporate people exploiting artists”. In some cases this is completely true, in others, it’s the artists overvaluing their work.

          I once reamed a respected colleague who wrote that a fashion design schools should teach “a little bit” of business because most aspiring designers will have to become entrepreneurs in other to actually BE designers, yet most are incapable of running companies.

          I said do you actually know that you CAN’T teach a “little bit of business”. The prereq for finance is accounting and typically calculus, or bare minimum, college algebra. The prereq for marketing is psychology. How do you teach “a little bit” of that when the core curriculum doesn’t even require the student to take the prerequisite classes?

          BUT, you can get a business degree and complete 12-18 credits at an arts school and get a fashion design degree (in many cases).

          Which makes more sense?

          I was just talking to someone who is finishing up a grad degree in a profession with no proven career track. She is finding it extremely difficult to get a job. I went to point out a few avenues she could take, but her computer skills don’t allow that level of employability (smart phones and tablets have given a lot of people a false idea of how their tech savvy actually stacks up).

          If there are some people who are reading this exchange, who are too far into a degree to change course, the best thing you can do is pile on technical classes. If you ARE studying something like Journalism, pile on website development classes, content management and publishing. You wanna be a writer? Be a COPYwriter. You’re an artist, be a product designer/industrial designer (better than an illustrator, artist or graphic designer). Follow the money.

        • Malia,

          You said, —“. . . because most aspiring designers will have to become entrepreneurs in other to actually BE designers, yet most are incapable of running companies.”—

          Exactly! Thank you for doing a much better job of articulating the point I wanted to get across. It’s like something my hair stylist (and salon owner) mentioned years ago: That the way the economy is going will FORCE a lot of people in various walks of life to become entrepreneurs (or learn some entrepreneurial skills) whether they want to or not. The days of being able to spend an entire work life as a passive employee who shows up to a work site to do what they are told to do are going away. One can still do that, but it will increasingly be done on a project-by-project basis as predicted by the 1997 book, The Sovereign Individual, by James Dale Davidson and Lord William Rees-Mogg:

          —“. . . The model business organization of the new information economy may be a movie production company. Such enterprises can be very sophisticated, with budgets of hundreds of millions of dollars. While they are large operations, they are also temporary in nature. . . While the people who work on the production are very talented, they have no expectation that finding work on the project is equivalent to having a ‘permanent job.”—The Sovereign Individual, pg. 237.

          You said, —“If there are some people who are reading this exchange, who are too far into a degree to change course, the best thing you can do is pile on technical classes. If you ARE studying something like Journalism, pile on website development classes, content management and publishing. You wanna be a writer? Be a COPYwriter. You’re an artist, be a product designer/industrial designer (better than an illustrator, artist or graphic designer). Follow the money.”—

          I’m so happy you said that! Folks should understand that it’s always possible to pivot into something that will better serve one’s interests if one looks at the situation without the usual blinders or preconceived assumptions that most AAs are raised to have.

          I’m not slamming AA parents: Most sincerely don’t know any better. Part of the problem is that the modern day presents a lot of totally novel situations that many (if not most) AA parents don’t understand. Because traditionally AAs have always been the equivalent of sharecroppers and never the owner of an enterprise. For generations since the end of slavery, all we’ve been familiar with is the idea of training to qualify for a “good job” at an enterprise that’s created and controlled by our former slavemasters.*

          [*I know, I know, that “former slavemaster” talk is my previous Black Nationalist orientation talking—LOL! But the situation is what it is, and large chunks of the Black Nationalist critique of mainstream AA behaviors are factually correct. When you look at the substance (and not the surface details) of what the masses of AAs are doing across the board, it’s obvious that most of us are still reenacting the same old plantation-based dynamics. Including the same old paper-bag tests, and the octoroon/quadroon balls in most AA male celebrities movies and music videos. Also including the same old Always Looking For Somebody Else To Tell Us What To Do (as opposed to being more self-directed in terms of one’s career, etc.).

          Don’t get me wrong—trailblazing and totally figuring things out for oneself is very hard and very mentally draining. “Becky” can be extremely relaxed because all she needs to do in order to live well is follow the paths that have been laid out and prepared for her by her father and the men in her race. There’s nothing wrong with following a well-considered, prepared path. The problem for AABW is that the paths we’ve been raised to follow lead into pits, swamps, and over cliffs. Anyhoo, all of this is why it’s so important to take every opportunity to fellowship and brainstorm with like-minded people. THANK YOU, OLS for providing this forum! 🙂 ]

    • I have been lurking on this blog for the past year or so along with other bwe blogs. Muslim bushido you have helped me so much. I want to thank you. You articulate everything I have been thinking since the age of 12 regarding the state of black people in America. And yes you are absolutely right about AA’s. I attend college right now (I’m 19) and many of my black classmates don’t have a clue about how the real world works. My mom has talked to my brother and I and told us to not waste these 4 years on worthless degrees. My brother is also going in to engineering as well. I’m other going into biochemistry or chemical engineering. Chemical engineering is my first choice and I would like to do my masters abroad in Europe. Many black young people I speak to have a dire future ahead. It’s like so many young black people don’t know how to navigate in this world. It’s sad. I will not be one of them.

      • Hi Rae,

        It’s so wonderful to hear that you have a solid plan! I think it is much better to endure a bit more difficulty/hard work/ stress in the beginning of your career/studies path, then you have options and room to maneuver later on.

        I’m about 7 years ahead of you, and for what it’s worth, now that I have switched my career path over to STEM (from the Teaching and Starving Artist Brigade into which I was heavily indoctrinated), I have much more energy and focus. I’ve reactivated science/analysis skills that I’d forgotten I had, and when I do writing/art projects on my own time, I am much more excited about them and I have more creative ideas than ever. Several years ago, I was stuck in creative/writer’s block agony due to constant uncertainty about the job market, my physical safety as a teacher, how I was going to stretch a meager salary, etc. I wouldn’t have believed it as a teen, but embracing the practical side of life has given me more freedom to do fun/creative things, not less.

        So kudos to you, Rae for listening to wise counsel from your mom, and for having a vision for your future!

  115. If I had a child going to college, I would encourage them towards STEM. When I went to college, it was doable on a middle class, or even a lower middle class salary. I paid off my student loans when I was 24, had a job and my own apartment. Today is a different ballgame. I have worked in STEM for many years and not a lot of BW, or American citizens are in the sciences. Most of the people I work with are either from China, India, Eastern Europe (now Western Europe) or West Africa.

    What would a person recommend if they had a child that didn’t want to go to college? If I had to do it all again, I’d go to culinary school (I still might), because what I’m finding is that cooking is becoming a lost skill

  116. —What would a person recommend if they had a child that didn’t want to go to college? —

    In my circumstances, this is NOT optional. Period.

    Here are my reasons:

    1- Most black people are not fortunate enough to grow up in an environment of knowledge, prosperity and achievement. For most black people, the collegiate experience is the first time being immersed in that.
    2- The same is true for economic diversity. You live where you live. The people who live where you live are likely in similar demographics when it comes to money. If you want your child(ren) to know how other people live, that’s what college is for.
    3- Most people who do not go to college retain their high school friends for life. Most people who only have a high school education fall into a certain life path. Yes there are exceptions to the rule, but they are exceptions.
    4- A college campus is probably the only place an adult can have access to literally millions of dollars of resources without directly paying for access. The best public library (outside of the library of congress and similar institutions, I’m talking about regular cities) has noting on even the most basic university libraries. Colleges do not restrict access by majors. If you are in one “school” of a university, you have access to the facilities of another “school”. I have not seen this restricted, for the most part, at most schools. This means that a journalism major can use the law library.
    5- On top of that you have access to professors, even those outside of your major. Many professors are working professionals.
    6- Nowhere else is employment recruiting as concentrated.
    7- Your peer group. For professional networking, lifelong friendship and mating.
    8- The alumni network.
    9- It is, somewhat of a “finishing experience” of sorts. At 16-18, coming out of high school, you are not ready for the world. You need a transition into real adulthood. College provides that.

    I think there is a difference between saying that not all degrees have financial value and college should be optional.

    If someone has a child that doesn’t want to go to college, they RAISED a child that doesn’t want to go to college. They ALLOWED a CHILD to have a say in decisions that have a life long impact when they are too young to fully understand the long term impact of said decision. It’s like when people say “my kid won’t eat vegetables.” That is ALLOWED. If you raise a child on vegetables they eat vegetables.

    • Very good point Gina.

      But, even when I was in college, there were some who flunked out, because they didn’t want to be there. I liked being in college because I saw that the entire experience was important, not just classes, but socialization as well. I learned a lot of things in college.

      But when you say it’s not optional. You can’t force an 18 year old to go to college. However, what I think a person can do is to say, “either you go to college, you find somewhere else to live.” It’s tough love and a lot of parents can’t do that, but I think it’s very necessary.

      • —But when you say it’s not optional. You can’t force an 18 year old to go to college. However, what I think a person can do is to say, “either you go to college, you find somewhere else to live.” It’s tough love and a lot of parents can’t do that, —-

        No you can’t force.

        But raising a child to be college bound starts from the moment you start teaching that child. There is clearly a different path taken towards parenting when you have the attitude that “education after high school is optional” vs “education after high school is mandatory.” And a lot of it involves little things.

        In my experience, I have felt that all too often there are parents who abdicate their responsibility by copping out to “kids are going to do what they want to do” or “you can’t force them.” This isn’t solely about college, because it’s often more prevalent when it comes to sex, drinking and drugs. IMO, they do this to avoid being held accountable for any unfavorable or embarrassing outcomes.

        When you call the parent on it, they will fall back on “I raised them to/not to” when in reality these things were never explicitly addressed.

        So if you have a kid, who goes to college and flunks with intent, there’s more going on and that’s something the parents didn’t address long before it got to that point. It’s one thing to not want to be there. It’s another thing to waste somebody’s money to show that you don’t want to be there. YKWIM?

        • “When you call the parent on it, they will fall back on “I raised them to/not to” when in reality these things were never explicitly addressed”
          This right here…
          That is what I feel the BWE movement is all about–explicitly addressing things that we dare not even say to ourselves.

          I totally know what you mean. My family copped out in a similar way. My mom “to avoid being held accountable for any unfavorable or embarrassing outcomes” would rather have people believe I was being stubborn and defiant by not going to college in spite of being accepted to every college I applied. But the truth was she hadn’t paid her taxes for well over ten years (bless her heart) and refused to sign my financial aid package/FASFA. Of course Uncle Sam got his but all I got was side-eyes from friends and family. Happy ending, I did finally go to college but on my own dime at 30. Tier 1 school on scholarships and grants.

          BWE Movement is a call to AAW/Black Woman to stop “abdicat[ing] their responsibility by copping out” (my mom copped out on her taxes;on herself; and on me, her daughter) We have to do some deep soul searching and heavy lifting to save ourselves and live the life we want and deserve because no else is coming to save us.

          I wanted to write something with regards to this frustration/pain when Khadija talked about her relationship with her mother earlier (Thanks for sharing Sis). I truly feel sorry for my mother because she is plays an active role in her victimization but fights me at every step when I suggest that she can live another way where she doesn’t have to be the loser. And yes twenties years later retired and on fixed income she is back in trouble with the Tax man. (something that was very much avoidable) Bless. Her. Heart.