Let’s Talk About Derailment, Eh?
I haven’t written in a while but I believe that this post is important in light of current events.
Note: Somebody left a comment asking me to do a better job proofreading. Apparently my previous editing jobs have caused them to have to “reread” my posts to piece together my sentences. I already proofread but usually I’m in a rush which means I don’t have the time to do more than a cursory glance. I’ve said before to excuse the typos, and I can’t offer much more than that disclaimer so… *shrugs* sorry.
Today I wanted to write about the derailment and the trends I’ve noticed when black women are having important conversations. Usually these conversations, which have to do with the quality of black women’s lives are quickly and sufficiently stifled before any meaningful solutions can be had. As a tactic derailment does its job, pushing black women to the back of the podium so others may remain benefiting from the current status quo.
The Sad Sack:
No matter what race, gender or sexual orientation, the Sad Sack absolutely loves to talk about their emotions. You see rather than getting angry, or simply exiting a conversation they don’t like, the Sad Sack like all good derailers wants you to know that their feelings are hurt by your hurt feelings. They want you to know how much they grieve for their lost sisterhood/ brotherhood, how much they grieve for their lost unity, how hurtful it is that you’re not mirroring the emotions that they want to give you. The Sad Sack, like ALL derailers, are simply narcissists who want the conversation to revert back to THEM. NO matter how much it hurts you. For example, see Perez Hilton’s wack ass response to his offensive comments about “ a fierce black women inside every gay man” comment. He’s hurt he’s suffering. Forget how offensive, racist, rude and downright shameful he is. It’s easy to get the attention off his own jack assery if he’s talking about his feelings and what you’ve done to him.
How to deal: Ignore, the sad sack is a drama queen narcissist. They feed off attention, and ensuring you don’t do what you need to do. Back slowly away.
The Saboteur: Is another fun one. The saboteur, claims to be on your side, all the while they silently pick at the solutions that couldn’t possibly work, and simply aren’t feasible to the majority of the population. In the guise of giving a damn, they’re mostly just sitting by while you dismantle all of your progress by yourself. Does the saboteur have any other bright ideas? Nope, because the point of a Saboteur isn’t to be on your side, the point of the saboteur is to well… sabotage. So if that means spending hours upon hours in spaces not designed for them pretending to be a good Samaritan, well then that’s what they’ll do, as long as, at the end of the day, you #FAIL.
The Sycophant: Is your personal friend. This particular brand of derailer knows that you get more bees with honey. They know that you’re probably not that bright. They know that you’re insecure, and they know that you’re looking for any sort of recognition.( Because it has been such a lacking force in your life). The Sycophant knows that easiest way to make you stop complaining is to make you think that there’s nothing to complain about at all. For example when black women are angered about having characters who are physically as far away from the status quo of attractive ie. Fit, pretty, and feminine represent them (like all groups do), These sycophants will compliment you because you don’t fit the status quo. (Even though it’s not to your benefit to do otherwise.)
See the downright bizarre flipping and fawning over, Retta from Parks and Rec and Gabore Sidebe , both of which typify almost every stereotype of black women currently in America.
But to hear *certain* groups of sycophants tell it, “She so awesome,” “So Funny” and courageous to break molds and traditions.
And like the master manipulator that these groups are, you’ll believe it every time. Because this brand of narcissists know exactly how you tick. They’re banking on it. And you swallow it like a pill. You were always going to.
How to deal: Recognize that the Sycophant along with the Saboteur will ALWAYS play Brutus to your Caesar. They will be waiting after you get comfortable to pounce. Always, Always be wary of people like this. Or better yet avoid letting these types into your life at all. Be selective of people who come near this behavior.
The Reasonable: Derailers of the reasonable sort are the kind that fancy themselves fair and just. If only you could give them a good reason. They need to know, despite the evidence why they should support you. They want you to lay it out again and again, why they should give a damn. Because they can’t be seen supporting something that doesn’t benefit them if they don’t have logic behind their choices. But the truth is everything that you say is unreasonable. No matter how much proof you present, how much you balance the books, you’re never going to get through, Because in their lost minds only their way makes any sense.
They KNOW this. But you don’t. Which means all the time an explanations playing “logic accountant” is time away from being productive on your own. And they can’t have that.
For example, if you say, Black Women should leave dangerous neighborhoods; they’ll ask you for a list of reasons why. They need a rundown of how many rapes happen to black women and children, how many lives are lost in stay gunshots, how much and how many of everything to catalog until they find your answer reasonable.
Here a hint: No matter how much qualitative and quantitative data is shared with the “Reasonable” it will never amount to anything. But it did keep you from having important conversations.
How to deal: Avoid playing “logic accountant” a losing game where you try and scoop water from the sea with a bucket. Or in other words, provide proof to clueless people. Don’t waste time. They have all the proof they need but they don’t want you to have it. That would be mean you might do better than them.
Like the sad sack who is just so EMOTIONAL, and loves to emotionally emote all over the emotionally charged place; Sanctimony loves “righteous anger” as a way to get out of a sticky situation. They also know that it helps avoid a confrontation and keep you from having your conversations/ going about your business. They use their “righteous “anger purely as a distraction like a filibuster in congress, simply waiting for time to run out before a new bill proposal becomes obsolete. More so they shut down the conversation by diverting attention to themselves while you defend yourself. It always works. Leaving them smugly satisfied and you with… well… nothing.
The misunderstood: The misunderstood love to be… misunderstood. Simply because in feigning stupidity it takes you away from what you’re actually doing to waste time and you momentarily forget what you were doing, and places importance on “helping” the misunderstood understand what you’re trying to say. The misunderstood, whether they are aware of what they are doing or not are effectively keeping you from using your time in well spent ways.
How to deal: Keep it moving. Don’t waste time in conversations, justifications, etc. They feed on your attention, and your good will. Stomp them into dust and keep moving. Remember it’s simply an act.
Give me one good reason AKA “Stubborn Ass”: They stubborn ass need like the reasonable needs “one good reason” to move. The one good reason has easily tricked their victims into believe that progress is not attainable without them. And you’d better get into shape and prove to them why they should come along. Really they don’t want to come but they don’t want you to leave. You might be successful. And the Stubborn Ass doesn’t want that. They don’t want change, they are afraid of change. And if they can’t be happy neither can you, so if it means stopping in one place and not moving while elevating their own importance, well… so be it.
How to deal: Adopt the stance “You’re either with me or against me” and otherwise ignore. You don’t need dead weight.
More Bark Than Bite: MBTB loves to use threats, fear tactics, shame, anything to get you to shut up and stop talking. Because they’re threatened by you doing well they must put a stop to it. And these losers, with little resources, brains and hope love to use guerrilla warfare to get you to keep your mouth shut. See commenters who come to websites with guilt tactics/ shaming (See black women shaming 101 post), threatening biblical punishment, rape murder, etc. Funnily enough most of these probably wouldn’t have the balls to do/ say any of this in real life.
How to deal: Instantly Ignore, delete, distance. They are amoebas. But if all else fails the FBI would love to add someone knew to their wanted lists. Get law enforcement involved.
I AM NOT JOKING.
You may think I’m only identifying derailing techniques in conversations. I’m talking about lifestyle derailment too; these people suck the life out of you and pull you in like quicksand. It would be wise to watch out for any and all of these types. These people are sick, twisted, and need to be involved in tearing other people down. This is one of the reasons why many bwe writers have discussed planning in stealth, because some people when given the chance will happily rip apart your plans at the seams.
Don’t let them destroy what you’ve built.
Until Next Time,
PS. I know I’ve been away a long time, I’m currently writing a slew of posts that will be up soon. Forgive me for the absence.
Love ya all.