Why You Could Be Doing Better But Probably Aren’t

 

This post is going to sound harsh to many people. I know that because most people don’t like what they perceive to be criticism of themselves and they certainly don’t like to be told that *they* could potentially change their lot in lives by themselves. But I consider this post to be important so I’m prepared to incur the wrath of those who are too fragile to handle reality.

(Note: I’ve said before that I *detest* disclaimers but for the sake of fools, idiots, morons, and those who are too stupid to live, or too fragile to listen then please direct yourself away from this post. OLS)

Anyhow let’s talk about why you could be doing but you aren’t.

Low Standards.

This is probably going to hurt your feelings if this applies to you but be honest you may have very low standards. If your life isn’t where you want it to be it could be because you’re too permissive about the things that you want in life and you have a faulty edit button that doesn’t eradicate things that you *know* shouldn’t be in your life. ( I will be writing a post on a topic very close to this soon) For example you know that you probably shouldn’t be hanging out with that guy that every instinct is telling you is no good. You know that the guy you’re dating, you’re not really interested in, you know hanging out in the bars and clubs aren’t going to find you a quality man and yet, you do it anyway.  You know that the music that degrades every bone in your body is terrible but you buy it anyway, always making excuses for it and ultimately for yourself. If you feel you could be doing better, chances are this is one of those reasons.

Baggage.

Nobody wants to admit that they have baggage but everyone is walking around with some sort of baggage.  What baggage do I see a lot of black women carrying? Usually it has something to do with the strict need to keep on keeping on fighting for causes that do NOT benefit them unless it is decidedly unintentional.  These women feel the baggage of the racism and sexism bandwagon and feel the need to carry on the torch for “justice” (I put this in quotations because the justice black women have been taught to fight for are other groups’ ideas of justice). These women maybe you won’t give up the baggage. They still are trying to claim it.  These women, yes maybe you, won’t admit that the dance is over. They still want to fight and hold out hope that someday the people who don’t give a damn about you will suddenly start. For those with baggage because they can’t move on it claims the rest of their life and pulls them down.

Pride.

Think hard if you don’t know where this one comes in. Because for some people this is going to be the thing that kicks them up every time .You’re probably too prideful. No I don’t mean because you think that you deserve a guy better than the dirt bag you’re dating. I mean because for some people, they won’t let go of the baggage that I mentioned in the above number because they are to prideful. There are so many black women who have dedicated their lives to fighting the “injustice” (again the injustice that other groups have decided for black women to fight) they have been told that someday they are going to get a payoff. They may have been told that if they wait and wait that a perfect black man may appear. They are told that if they keep “fighting” that in their lifetime they’ll benefit from any gains if they continue to support movements that drain there life force. These women have dedicated there money time, protests, blogs, etc. for the cause and they want a payout. They won’t give up the ghost and admit that it’s over. They won’t believe it’s over. To admit it’s over is to admit that they got P-L-A-Y-E-D. And who wants to admit it.  ( don’t think I didn’t have to admit that either, because I had to give up my pride and realize I was getting tricked by troll face in relation to certain movements that called me to sell my soul)  Yes, many black women don’t want to admit that the black man they waited for isn’t coming or that they could have been happier with someone of another race. They don’t want to admit that they could have been happy if only they hadn’t spent their twenties pretending their career was everything instead of having a family that they wanted. Or they’re too prideful to admit that they wanted to be feminine instead of falling in line but now it’s too late or they can’t say they were wrong. So these women, will be perpetually miserable because they won’t rescue themselves from their own misery by admitting to the flaw of being human.

Fear

Like a baby lamb some may be afraid to venture out simply because they are afraid of the unknown. Some black women (not even through any fault of their own) may have been engrained for so long on certain ideas that it simply disconcerts them to think about anything else different. These black women know they are unhappy, they know it’s just not working but they may never get better because they don’t want to leap. These black women will always be stuck because they’re simply afraid of the unknown.

Entitlement & Anger

I see this a lot from black women who simply Can NOT stop debating with people who have proven that no matter what black women say or do they do not care.  These women, I find, are the most miserable.  These women are living in a dream world. Like the prideful ones who won’t leave movements that have done them dirty, these won’t leave because they feel that they are entitled to get their money’s worth.

Look, it’s not to say that I don’t think that black women should accept non reciprocity or not be upset when they don’t get it. But I think that at some point black women need to cut their losses so that they can  move on with their lives.  For example some black women feel angry they are not having their plight listened to in the black community or the feminist community. These women feel that they deserve for them to listen to black women. And while this may be true, It ain’t gong to happen. I think most can see that after 60+ years in two movements that yielded very little positive results for black women we know that. But these women still think they should get their money’s worth.  It’s simply too hard for them to accept that the fly by night circus tricked them.  For these people while they may be right in the fact that they do deserve their money back they don’t realize that at this point it’s not productive. And the ways the try to go about getting their interests known are just all wrong.   And then they get angry.  Once angry these women have to shout it from the rooftops.  Instead of pulling back, they because they know that they deserve better treatment, they angrily try and “confront” (this never works because these “friends” quickly turn on them) these people through whatever means necessary. They may take to feminist/womanist/ black community/ blogs and websites to denounce bad treatment and indict people who have spurned them.   They think that anger will change things that have shown no signs of being changed instead of just leaving and serving their own best interests.

Delusiods

If you truly believe that we’re all in this together, or that, with a bit of conversation all the misunderstandings will suddenly straighten themselves out, you may be a delusoid.  I’m sorry to tell you this, I don’t know if you were tricked or you’re simply one of those people who like to believe the *best* in every situation but you’re a delusoid. What is that?  A delusiod is somebody who has been sipping the coo laid. See unlike the others who know things are wrong and won’t leave for the stated above reasons these people  won’t give up the High School Musical song and dance that if they just stick it out in whatever  crappy thing their hanging on to  that the world will finally give black women back what they put in. So they keep putting out. They may try and be logical and say they are doing “Their part” because they people won’t admit that the people they are working with won’t ever give up their PRIVILEGE to make those things happen.

These people believe that as long as they keep putting themselves out, draining themselves that everything will be fine. Or even worse they don’t even notice that they are getting screwed. They simply well and truly believe (or have been tricked to believe) that these people are their friends. For some delusoids it’s simply too harsh a reality to admit that they are on their own and guard themselves accordingly.  Simply put these people are in massive and major protective DENIAL.

Living Ideology

I hear this also from many other black women blog writers. Many people simply do not have the thinking skills to discern from practicality and ideology. For example these people may hear the ideology that it’s great to have casual sex but don’t realize how that actually *applies* to real life or the risks involved. These people may hear the ideology of being independent and spend their youth in a career that they weren’t wild about so they can keep their “feminist card” but in actuality they wasted the best years they had looking for a spouse. Unfortunately for these now the dating market may be sparse. If you find you find yourself being “fooled by the rocks that they got” (I’m writing a post on this soon) in relation to ideology this may be you.

Herd mentality

Simply put these women simply don’t know who to separate themselves from the pack. These women  know that the life choices that they align themselves with are going to send them straight to slaughter but they do it anyway. Because they don’t want to upset those around them or because they’re too ‘nice’ to cut the people dragging them down out of their lives. So they get swept up and then they’re miserable. These people have instincts that are telling them that they don’t like what the people around them are saying but they may go along with the loudest mouth because of fear.

 

 

 

I’m going to end the post here.

This post part 1 of 2.  The next post will be

How you can do better if you probably aren’t.

 

Until Next Time,

Stay Neutral

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16 thoughts on “Why You Could Be Doing Better But Probably Aren’t

  1. Sis I’m so tired of hearing even from bw for us to be patient and wait for bm to come around. I think are these females on crack? I recently realized that it is useless and time consuming to keep debating with them stuck on stupid females. Let them wait for Leroy to come back. They will be old and gray. I’m not waiting on any man to get their act together.

    OLS I live in Az and I’m seeing bw freeing themselves from the baggage. They are not waiting for that black knight to come rescue them. When I’m out and about I see beautiful sistas in their natural hair and with their wm and children. These women are not baby mama’s. They have a ring on their finger 95% of the time. I almost tear up seeing these couples in the store, park, library’s and restaurants. BW who said no to waiting. BW who don’t give a damn what the so called bc has to say. When you get to that point then you can truly be free from all of the baggage you are talking about.

  2. So much damage has been done to the Black female pysche. It is like a mass de-programming/re-eduaction program is needed to teach Black women & girls that it is perfectly NORMAL & OKAY for them to look out for their OWN interests FIRST and to put their OWN desires/needs/wants & pursuit of happiness FIRST.

    Mswanda, your example of seeing happily IR married BW in Az is truly inspiring and heart warming. I hope examples like that become more common so more Black women & girls will follow suit and ignore nonsense propaganda telling them to stick with a certain group of useless, abusive males who hate them because they commited the “crime” of being born dark-skinned and with West African features & kinky hair.

  3. Wonderful post, you are not being harsh. Some of these women will never open their mind and heart. They are stuck with being the goat. I avoid women who favorite that behavior. I am enjoy my life right now and I do not have the energy to uplift them, this include my own sisters. I was reading “A New Earth Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose” by Eckhart Tolle and he stated “How to be at peace now? By making peace with the present moment. Once I was able to understand this statement, my life became much richer. Thank you.

    • Hhahahahahaha

      I died at goat – i thought i was the only one who uses the goat as an example on hard headed stupidity.

      You are right on everything. Not sure where i read once but i agree every time ‘selflessness tends to do more harm than good, when reciprocity is left out of the equation’
      It’s crazy – bloody crazy to do the same thing and expect different results.

    • I’m with you, Chocolate Vent.. I think my big issue is fear.. Interestingly, a friend of mine says that my fear is not of failure, but success. I can see a teeny bit of myself in all the others, though. Very insightful piece! #wake up call

  4. I am also at peace right now. I am getting things together to move. I live in Chicago and we have a section called River North or they really call it the Gold Coast. I lived her for most of my life. I went to the south part of Chicago but things have gotten far worse over the years.
    I am doing the following:
    1. Taking exercise classes
    2. Taking a course of some kind at the local community college
    3. Signing up for meet up groups to expand my social circle
    4. Every new person I see that made some type of connection, I will give them my business cards, get them for $10.00 at vista print or your local printing store
    5. Going to high end stores and look for the sales rack which is usually in the back of the store.
    6. Buy some nice lingerie.
    Black women need to stop spending their hard earned money on everyone, the church and speaking of that, I will only volunteer at my leisure because I will not go from one set of users to another all in the name of the Lawd(LOL)!
    We need to as Black women set aside at least $20-$40 for ourselves. We can build up our wardrobe as well as have going out money. I will point people to your site and then they can read for themselves and start improving their lives. There is great world out there and I want to experience every part of it.

    • Sorry didn’t finish, posted by mistake lol

      I live in London and already do your
      1, well swimming and running once / twice a week.
      2 Have a degree but working in different role. Might do a small course at some point
      3 not yet
      4 My side plan is selling hand mad snoods – here > http://purplesnood.carbonmade.com/ +

      Tryna figure out how to sell them etc now
      5 I live in charity shops almost 🙂 i model sometimes, so designers also give me pieces time to time. Also, i rarely shop, i try my hardest not to buy something unless definitely needed. Like shoes for work etc. It is hard!
      6 oooh ok, apart from lingerie! This i do once every two months. And if matching even better. I think every woman should, if for no other reason, the feeling of being empowered? I cannot explain it, and i’ve done this even when i have been single (as i am at the moment)

      I’m not religious, but i know and have heard these tales over and over. I have lent £ to friends and family in the past. But these have been people who’ve had my back same way over the years. Barring one experience so far – it’s been ok.

      Aside money – i agree! What else is she working for.

      I love this list and would add

      ** knowing her boundaries and values and living with how it aligns with her vision for her life. Whether want to travel or become a chef or housewife. Whatever. It’s hard at times to say no to people friends and family who have become used to you always being their go to goat. Thanks L ^^
      Everyone must know when to say no, to preserve their own sanity

      **- Not everyone deserves to be in your life. People unfold, as you would buy a house or car, you have to get a valuation. This takes time. Who someone is on the first day you meet them won’t be who they are at day 120. Like Natalie on baggage reclaim says slow your roll.

  5. I met my husband at a bar when I was 26 and we got engaged 9 months later and married the next year when I was 28. We’re very happy and we have a very egalitarian marriage, which is what I desired. I always knew the perfect black man was more than likely NOT coming for me and so I dated all sorts of guys. I’m super glad for feminism and I have benefited immensely.

    I went to college at 18, obtained birth control, promptly lost my virginity to a boy from high school, dated casually in college and then had 2 semi-serious boyfriends, had some casual sex (which I don’t regret AT ALL though I know it’s not for everyone), went to grad school, traveled to Europe to visit my college roommate, went to clubs and bars maybe 2 or 3 or 4 nights a week, partied, joined a gym, and book clubs, museums and other cultural type venues, started a 401k, bought an apartment and my dream car, spent quality time with my family, changed jobs many times to move up and increase my salary, and enjoyed making and spending my own money. I loved my 20s and I super glad to be where I am at 30. Now my husband and I are moving to New York City because I got a great job opportunity. He is going to transfer to a NYC law office. Kids can come later IF they do. I always knew I would be an older Mom, and I’m glad our culture no longer demands women have babies in their early 20s.

    I don’t get why so many black women are mad at the mainstream feminist movement or feel ‘tricked’ or whatever. I am grateful for it and identify as a proud feminist (and womanist). I was a college athlete thanks to Title IX, I was able to purchase a home as a single woman, have my own credit cards and car loans… all thanks to feminism. I would have been miserable in the 1950s as a housewife married at 22 (I know some women want that and I respect it as a valid choice). Black women did NOT have ideal lives in the pre-feminist days and I think we tend to idealize those days simply because the marriage rates were higher. I would NOT want the lives or (lifelong but miserable) marriages my grandmothers had. No one is promised anything and that is not the fault of feminism. You have to make this world work for you as a black woman, and we have many choices. It can be done.

    • @ E in CT
      Wow what a life you have had. I am no feminist expert, but according to my understanding not all ideas in feminism is bad. However, there are many bad ideas in feminism that deeply affect black women by large more than other groups of women b/c of the environment that bw live in (example: the bc). On the other hand, the good that comes out of feminism, by and large does not benefit black women. So the argument is that if something hurts you and does not benefit you than you should exit that movement. Additionally, i understand that feminism has not improved black women’s situation in america at all. This implies that things were never good to start with. I think the problem is that not enough black women are leaving the feminism fight. So essentially not enough bw hate feminism for the adverse effects that it has on them. I am a bit confused about your claim that many bw hate the mainstream feminism movement, b/c blogs like these are relatively new (at least to my knowledge); although they are starting to attract many bw. When looking at the bigger picture, I think you are a needle in a haystack. You are very blessed to be where you are today. You should thank God first and foremost, and the people who have helped you get there.
      -I think you have a point about bw idealizing the older days. However, I think those bw tend to be pro-black family or want bm to marry. I am only saying this b/c when I had the same mindset this is how I felt. However, I don’t think many BWE feel that way. In a way ppl in general idealize the past b/c they feel that ppl back than had more moral characters. But I don’t think life so hot for bw back then and sadly it hasn’t changed much for us (but it can :)). What comes to my mind right now is the speech by Malcolm X, in which he stated that bw at that time were the MOST unprotected women in the world!

      • @nodiamondsblackrose

        I recognize that I have been blessed with a supportive family and a quality education and I am grateful for the life I lead, but I am not ‘lucky’. I may be a ‘needle in the haystack’, but I am not extraordinary at all. I made good choices and I planned to pursue the kind of life I wanted from high school on, even though my parents both grew up in the projects and my Dad is a truck driver. I knew early on that I was responsible for my life.
        I was always ‘different’ growing up which meant I was not ‘cool’ or popular. This was a blessing in disguise however because it meant I got to explore what I liked instead of following the crowd. Too many black women get deterred from trying activities that might open up new worlds to them because “Black women don’t ski” or “Black folks don’t go to the ballet”. I think the people who try to deter black women from dating while in school assume dating equals sex and that sex equals pregnancy. Nope. Date high quality men who are also ambitious, and if you are having sex find a reliable form of birth control. I used the pill in college and then got an IUD. No ‘oops’ EVER.

        Any black woman can have what I have, or whatever she wants, by committing herself to obtaining a solid education and broadening experiences. My parents were both raised in the projects and my Dad is a truck driver. They stressed education, encourage me to play sports and stay active, fit, healthy, and try new activities. I don’t see how I personally had ‘adverse effects’ from feminism at all. I never assumed wanting to get multiple degrees and pursue meaningful work meant that I couldn’t also have fun, date, get married or have a family. That’s operating from a scarcity mentality, not one of abundance. Most of the women I know with that attitude are not feminists.

        Most black women in America could not tell you two squats about the tenets of feminism. They haven’t read bell hooks or Audre Lorde or Betty Friedan. This reactionary ‘I don’t need no man to have babies’ is NOT feminism, but instead a defensive response to the fact that many black men just refuse to marry black women even though black women are forever declaring (stupidly) that they only want black men and would never consider ‘other’ men.

        I just watched this episode of a black women, 300+ lbs, whose family tries to discourage her from losing weight!

        In my opinion, THIS sort of sabotage behavior is what holds the majority of black women back, not feminism. I started reading Evia’s blog Black Female Interracial marriage back in 07 and she says ‘take what you need and throw away the rest, whether that is religion, feminism, politics. I don’t believe a woman MUST be a feminist to have a good life, just as she doesn’t need to be a Christian, but I see no reason to pretend feminism is responsible for the dreary lives of so many black women instead of their refusal to set goals and go after them instead of putting everybody else first and themselves last. It may not be easy to be a black woman in America, but it is tough being black and female all over the world. At least here there are many ways to pursue a good life combining and picking and choosing work, marriage, family, friends, spirituality and hobbies.

  6. I think this post is throwing me for a loop, b/c there is a thin line between each of these categories. I am not sure where to check myself in or where to check myself off. I don’t know if the goal is to be able to check myself off or maybe that would be too complacent. What I do know is that I often find myself drowned in a sea of entitlement and anger for bw that I read about who have been wronged (no i do Not listen to the rappers, and celebrities insults of bw) and most especially for myself. I also think I have low standards, not in my romantic life, but in relationships with friends.

  7. Fantastic post! I agree with you completely and can hardly wait to read part 2. The “Living Ideology” part had me nodding my head, because I always get BW who resent my views on marriage and family trying to convince me that it is more important for a woman to have a great career than to have a great life, even if what she really wants is a husband and children.

    They say that men are not a guarantee of anything and that it’s better to get a degree and a career than to have a family with someone you love and trust. I don’t completely disagree with that notion, however, their reasoning stems from fear of being vulnerable and an inability to trust another Human being, not a true desire to be “career women”. Yes, a husband is not a guarantee, but neither is a degree or a career. As you know, I volunteer at a homeless shelter. I have met MANY people with college degrees there (and not all of them were serving meals), including a few masters and one Ph.D. and yet they ended up without a home. And most of these people, including the Ph.D. are WHITE. White people have more power and are given more opportunities than anyone else in our culture, so if it can happen to someone with that going for them, you can be pretty certain that it can happen to a BW.

    Nothing in life is guaranteed, but I suspect that this education / career over family and personal life thing is just a tactic by some to get BW to wait for BM. The same people have also mentioned articles about BM getting married later in life and usually marrying BW when they do. The fact that even BM who are usually anti-educating BW are jumping on the “you need to get a degree before you think about dating anyone” bandwagon is BEYOND suspicious, to me. BW who have waited until they have gotten all the degrees and are settled into their careers before even THINKING about marriage, usually end up having to settle. And since it’s only okay for BW to settle for a Black man… You see why I’m suspicious?

    I don’t want anyone to get me wrong, I am a degreed BW with a career that I really enjoy, BUT it is not more important to me than my husband and our future children. That would be insane!

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