Why You Could Be Doing Better But Probably Aren’t


This post is going to sound harsh to many people. I know that because most people don’t like what they perceive to be criticism of themselves and they certainly don’t like to be told that *they* could potentially change their lot in lives by themselves. But I consider this post to be important so I’m prepared to incur the wrath of those who are too fragile to handle reality.

(Note: I’ve said before that I *detest* disclaimers but for the sake of fools, idiots, morons, and those who are too stupid to live, or too fragile to listen then please direct yourself away from this post. OLS)

Anyhow let’s talk about why you could be doing but you aren’t.

Low Standards.

This is probably going to hurt your feelings if this applies to you but be honest you may have very low standards. If your life isn’t where you want it to be it could be because you’re too permissive about the things that you want in life and you have a faulty edit button that doesn’t eradicate things that you *know* shouldn’t be in your life. ( I will be writing a post on a topic very close to this soon) For example you know that you probably shouldn’t be hanging out with that guy that every instinct is telling you is no good. You know that the guy you’re dating, you’re not really interested in, you know hanging out in the bars and clubs aren’t going to find you a quality man and yet, you do it anyway.  You know that the music that degrades every bone in your body is terrible but you buy it anyway, always making excuses for it and ultimately for yourself. If you feel you could be doing better, chances are this is one of those reasons.


Nobody wants to admit that they have baggage but everyone is walking around with some sort of baggage.  What baggage do I see a lot of black women carrying? Usually it has something to do with the strict need to keep on keeping on fighting for causes that do NOT benefit them unless it is decidedly unintentional.  These women feel the baggage of the racism and sexism bandwagon and feel the need to carry on the torch for “justice” (I put this in quotations because the justice black women have been taught to fight for are other groups’ ideas of justice). These women maybe you won’t give up the baggage. They still are trying to claim it.  These women, yes maybe you, won’t admit that the dance is over. They still want to fight and hold out hope that someday the people who don’t give a damn about you will suddenly start. For those with baggage because they can’t move on it claims the rest of their life and pulls them down.


Think hard if you don’t know where this one comes in. Because for some people this is going to be the thing that kicks them up every time .You’re probably too prideful. No I don’t mean because you think that you deserve a guy better than the dirt bag you’re dating. I mean because for some people, they won’t let go of the baggage that I mentioned in the above number because they are to prideful. There are so many black women who have dedicated their lives to fighting the “injustice” (again the injustice that other groups have decided for black women to fight) they have been told that someday they are going to get a payoff. They may have been told that if they wait and wait that a perfect black man may appear. They are told that if they keep “fighting” that in their lifetime they’ll benefit from any gains if they continue to support movements that drain there life force. These women have dedicated there money time, protests, blogs, etc. for the cause and they want a payout. They won’t give up the ghost and admit that it’s over. They won’t believe it’s over. To admit it’s over is to admit that they got P-L-A-Y-E-D. And who wants to admit it.  ( don’t think I didn’t have to admit that either, because I had to give up my pride and realize I was getting tricked by troll face in relation to certain movements that called me to sell my soul)  Yes, many black women don’t want to admit that the black man they waited for isn’t coming or that they could have been happier with someone of another race. They don’t want to admit that they could have been happy if only they hadn’t spent their twenties pretending their career was everything instead of having a family that they wanted. Or they’re too prideful to admit that they wanted to be feminine instead of falling in line but now it’s too late or they can’t say they were wrong. So these women, will be perpetually miserable because they won’t rescue themselves from their own misery by admitting to the flaw of being human.


Like a baby lamb some may be afraid to venture out simply because they are afraid of the unknown. Some black women (not even through any fault of their own) may have been engrained for so long on certain ideas that it simply disconcerts them to think about anything else different. These black women know they are unhappy, they know it’s just not working but they may never get better because they don’t want to leap. These black women will always be stuck because they’re simply afraid of the unknown.

Entitlement & Anger

I see this a lot from black women who simply Can NOT stop debating with people who have proven that no matter what black women say or do they do not care.  These women, I find, are the most miserable.  These women are living in a dream world. Like the prideful ones who won’t leave movements that have done them dirty, these won’t leave because they feel that they are entitled to get their money’s worth.

Look, it’s not to say that I don’t think that black women should accept non reciprocity or not be upset when they don’t get it. But I think that at some point black women need to cut their losses so that they can  move on with their lives.  For example some black women feel angry they are not having their plight listened to in the black community or the feminist community. These women feel that they deserve for them to listen to black women. And while this may be true, It ain’t gong to happen. I think most can see that after 60+ years in two movements that yielded very little positive results for black women we know that. But these women still think they should get their money’s worth.  It’s simply too hard for them to accept that the fly by night circus tricked them.  For these people while they may be right in the fact that they do deserve their money back they don’t realize that at this point it’s not productive. And the ways the try to go about getting their interests known are just all wrong.   And then they get angry.  Once angry these women have to shout it from the rooftops.  Instead of pulling back, they because they know that they deserve better treatment, they angrily try and “confront” (this never works because these “friends” quickly turn on them) these people through whatever means necessary. They may take to feminist/womanist/ black community/ blogs and websites to denounce bad treatment and indict people who have spurned them.   They think that anger will change things that have shown no signs of being changed instead of just leaving and serving their own best interests.


If you truly believe that we’re all in this together, or that, with a bit of conversation all the misunderstandings will suddenly straighten themselves out, you may be a delusoid.  I’m sorry to tell you this, I don’t know if you were tricked or you’re simply one of those people who like to believe the *best* in every situation but you’re a delusoid. What is that?  A delusiod is somebody who has been sipping the coo laid. See unlike the others who know things are wrong and won’t leave for the stated above reasons these people  won’t give up the High School Musical song and dance that if they just stick it out in whatever  crappy thing their hanging on to  that the world will finally give black women back what they put in. So they keep putting out. They may try and be logical and say they are doing “Their part” because they people won’t admit that the people they are working with won’t ever give up their PRIVILEGE to make those things happen.

These people believe that as long as they keep putting themselves out, draining themselves that everything will be fine. Or even worse they don’t even notice that they are getting screwed. They simply well and truly believe (or have been tricked to believe) that these people are their friends. For some delusoids it’s simply too harsh a reality to admit that they are on their own and guard themselves accordingly.  Simply put these people are in massive and major protective DENIAL.

Living Ideology

I hear this also from many other black women blog writers. Many people simply do not have the thinking skills to discern from practicality and ideology. For example these people may hear the ideology that it’s great to have casual sex but don’t realize how that actually *applies* to real life or the risks involved. These people may hear the ideology of being independent and spend their youth in a career that they weren’t wild about so they can keep their “feminist card” but in actuality they wasted the best years they had looking for a spouse. Unfortunately for these now the dating market may be sparse. If you find you find yourself being “fooled by the rocks that they got” (I’m writing a post on this soon) in relation to ideology this may be you.

Herd mentality

Simply put these women simply don’t know who to separate themselves from the pack. These women  know that the life choices that they align themselves with are going to send them straight to slaughter but they do it anyway. Because they don’t want to upset those around them or because they’re too ‘nice’ to cut the people dragging them down out of their lives. So they get swept up and then they’re miserable. These people have instincts that are telling them that they don’t like what the people around them are saying but they may go along with the loudest mouth because of fear.




I’m going to end the post here.

This post part 1 of 2.  The next post will be

How you can do better if you probably aren’t.


Until Next Time,

Stay Neutral

A Declaration of Our Own

In the course of human events it becomes necessary for one group to leave that of another, despite common characteristics. Because there are expectations from said groups it becomes comes a point of contention within the lives of the first group. Because of this, it is necessary to declare not to the other groups but to themselves that they have the right to exist beyond the expectations, hopes, dreams,  beliefs of others; It becomes pertinent for said group to take a stand within themselves about what they will and won’t accept so that group may live out a fulfilling life of their own. While some may find these truths to be self-evident for others it is not. For this purpose it will be stated.

  • Black women will not be required, forced, guilted, coerced, threatened or otherwise into supporting causes that are not their own. They will not be will not be forced guilted, coerced threatened or otherwise into spending money on people, entities, groups companies and that have given black women equal support or consideration
  • Black women have the right to avoid separate, and distance themselves from people who mean to do them malicious harm whether knowingly or unknowingly.

Black women have the right to avoid people and distance themselves from people who have proven to take part or generate the degradation of themselves or their group.

  • Black women have the right to protect themselves, guilt free and without remorse and without permission against violence , shame, and dysfunction that my harm themesleves or their children or future offspring by leaving communities and movements that participate in or protect/ promote the dangerous behaviors that will harm or influence black women unduly or otherwise.
  • When certain groups and entities have proven even once that they will victimize antagonize, shame abuse, degrade take advantage of et al black women black women happiness or responsible for maintaining the privileged lifestyle of those who have gotten their privilege off the backs of black women.
  • Black women are not required to waste resources of time, money, political support, likes, blog posts promotions, re blogs, tweets, et al to promote those who have proven to be enemies of black women and their well being.
  • We also hold these truths to be self evident that black women’s minds, bodies, souls, spirits, and essence do not belong to anyone but themselves. We maintain that the “Whatever you are, I made you” mentality will not be used to guilt or shame black women to join a cause that does not directly or immediately benefit them.\
  •  Black women have the right to prosecute, shun, divorce, “unfriend”, “dislike” those who have proven to be a miniscule or minute risk to the physical healthy, happiness emotional/ mental health, or lifestyles or general well being of black women and their children.
  • We believe in empowering each other as a group but understand the significance and importance of “skimming the chaff “of people who don’t support black women and these “inalienable” rights regardless of race/ gender or age. We submit to the idea that if you are not with us you are against us.
  • We also know that we are kind beautiful women who are worthy of more than being used for faulty cause and faulty plans for movements that will never come back to benefit black women.
  • We believe that we do not have to react to every incendiary cause and “white knight” for other people and their causes. We can protect ourselves but we are not responsible for protecting other people, especially those who have more privilege.
  • We accept the necessity to stay neutral even in the most delicate matters to protect ourselves, our families and our future families. We believe that we will forgo faulty ideologies for common sense that will provide for a better lifestyle and general betterment of black women as WE so choose.
  • We believe that we are not a collection of traits of other groups but a group of our own with our own, feelings thoughts, interest, ideas, hopes, dreams and causes.
  • We believe that we will not explain these things to those who do not understand, care or feel concern or expect black women to mule for causes that will not benefit themselves.
  • We do not appeal to anyone but ourselves to give ourselves the power or jurisdiction to do things or live a fulfilling lifestyle whether it goes against expectation or wishes of others. It is our right. It is the right of our daughters. No questions asked.
  • We Accept these things as nature.

Signed on this day,

July 4th 2013

One Less Soldier

Note: I hate writing disclaimers but I’m sure that *some* people will take this post as an outward declaration or some way to prove a point to people who have proven themselves uninterested in the lives of black women. In actuality I wrote this long time and timely coming post because black women themselves  seem to have a problem with separating and moving on when it is the most important to do so. For some black women it is a matter of having trouble declaring what they want and believe and going from there.  That is where I come in to say. Though it shouldn’t have to be said.


I hope everyone has a great holiday and I’ll be back with another post most likely on Saturday or Sunday.

Until Next Time….


 You may have noticed I was trying out a different theme/ layout and I’m changing the layout back to the original one. I simply can’t stand it.

Bad News, It’s Terminal: Time to cut your losses once and for all.


This post comes on the tail end of many breaking news stories concerning black women that I’ve noticed in the past couple of weeks.  (Yes even when I’m not posting I am keeping a look out.)

While there were many different news events that triggered this article for me. What specifically triggered this event was the release of one thing in particular.

It seems that black women still haven’t gotten down pat the idea that they don’t have to jump every time someone barks. That they don’t have to cosign, agree, take sides, disagree etc.  I see that many women in many cases are still falling for old troll face who’s making them think that everything has changed when really nothing has changed a damn inch.

I didn’t initially even want to see the documentary Dark Girls. I simply wasn’t interested. And then I heard about the conversations surrounding the documentary.  While many people were impressed and others were equally unimpressed, I wondered why this same conversation was being rehashed AGAIN.

Look,  Troll face may have gotten you good, he may have led you to believe that this movie was *somehow* going to change the plight of dark black women everywhere (and don’t even start with me I am dark skinned too) but the truth is that you’ve been had.  Amazingly.

In fact, I think the deliverance of the documentary  Dark Girls will be one of the single most awesome hoodwinks. It’s runner up right behind the black women who take the first place prize for supporting their own degradation in hip hop.

But that’s another lecture story.

Instead let’s stick with why I should be celebrating and salivating over a movie that actually didn’t do a damn thing except maybe compile what millions of black women in existence have been living breathing and talking about for hundreds of years.

First let’s talk about how the movie

  1. Basically is a redundant.
  2. Is unilateral and doesn’t talk AT ALL about SEXISM
  3. Doesn’t offer any solutions to any of these problems
  4.  Had to be created by two black MEN before anyone even other black women gave a dam about it
  5. Ignores the basic tenets of privilege that I have been discussing for the past almost two years on my blog.

Yes, I’ll go right on down the list and start with A).

This documentary is redundant. This movie was actually unnecessary. I know some black women will say that black women needed to “talk about it” and “heal” but if you go to any Forum and website,  read any book about black women this issue has come up ad nauseum. This debate had been debated, debating other debates.  The dead horse had been kicked and stomped and obliterated and now its soup like in form.

Black women have been saying this exact damn thing for years. How many times can black women reiterate this conversation?
I know the answer to that. Until they get some sort of validation in which the people with privilege can admit that they’ve done wrong and agree to give up said privilege. When the women like Zoe Saldana and Lolo Jones learn their lesson when Lil Wayne and co stops worshipping “red bones”

The problem with this hope, that the privilege will give up privilege and black women will only then  be at peace is what keeps black women PERPETUALLY trying to make/ support  movies like this in which they try to “heal”.

Since this is never going to happen black women will need movies like this to “heal” until the end of the world.

And speaking of the end of the world, I guess it will take about that long, probably more for black women to notice the ole bait and switch. In all of the conversation, the most important aspect of black female shaming based on skin tone not one person mentioned the big assed horse eating hay at the dining room table. That is, nobody, not one soul mentioned the privilege that black men have over black women for simply being male. I heard about “racism” as a reason why. I heard about slavery, but there was never any talk any mention to why these things are still  perpetuated in this day and age  and why it only happens with half of the population of black people.  There were never any fingers pointed at who in the black community perpetuate it. No responsibility taken. Though there were some black women talking about “unity”  amongst blacks.

But unlike many black women watching this documentary, I don’t  think they realized that this is why essentially this will never help black women at all. Because the key ingredient is missing. It’s like trying to make bread without yeast. It will not be successful.

Of course I could tell the black women think that this video will lead them into the promise land that this will not be the case. Because the whole tragic point is that they privilege will never be  admitted or given up by the people who are standing in the same group with black women while claiming to be allies. And since that is impossible documentaries like this are moot. This video didn’t even attempt, if nothing else to even call out sexism. Instead it pointed to the flaws of “society” and recounted anecdotes of times when black women felt like shit about themselves.  While having a giant group therapy can be soothing for a time sooner or later when black women get away from the highs of “talking about it”  and letting it all out, these women will essentially hit a low because they will realize (very quickly ) that troll face struck again, and they are truly, well and still empty handed.

Further, and the most disturbing things that I noticed was the way that some of these black women put too much emphasis on being “black”. What do I mean? I mean to hear some of these black women talk their entire identity is wrapped up with being “black” as if “blackness” is the sum of their existence. Need an example? How about the young black women at the end of video quoting the minister who said that “ blackness was not just a color but an essence of who you are and who you will become.”  This same young lady said that she took her color for “gold.”

Maybe some of you find this sort of speech inspiring.

 I don’t.

In fact I find this to be the opposite.  I don’t know about you but as much as I love my skin color, I no way shape or form do I find this to be my “essence.”   Or who I will become.  There are many things that create my essence.  I love to write, I enjoy reading books, I like to crotchet. There are plenty of things that create the sum of ME. And my skin color is a minute,  modicum of the person that I am or who I can be. This person , the person that I will be has nothing to do with what my skin color is. It has to do with my skills attributes and hopes and dream.

In essence I do not equate my worth and personality with skin color.

I find it outrageous actually.

There is a theory in psychology created by fellow psychologist George Kelley in his theory, that people have their own self perceptions, their own self schemas that color the way they see the world. According to this theory,  when people experience things that go against  their self schema, that creates anxiety.

This is what I see in this women. These women have been taught that their essence  is being “ black”  looking black “ talking black”  “ identifying as black” and the “ authentic black experience”  These women have set their self schema around their skin color and when things go against this… well we can see the catastrophic results of this anxiety.

I understand the fact that words hurt. I myself being dark skinned have been mocked by certain segments of the black community. It was hurtful. But I NEVER had my entire existence wrapped up in my skin to where I felt that my existence was crushed by the losers who didn’t think I was beautiful. Further my mother and father kept me distance from the black community so I experience minimal damaged from said dead “ community”

Basically my self schema was created on a faulty foundation.

These women I blame their parents, for not putting the psychological safety of their children. I blame the makers of this video for continuing to perpetuate this stupidity. This video never thought about mentioned that may black people should stop putting so much importance, because it ISN’T the essence of black women or the identifier of people as a person.

. I’d also like to point out how videos like this don’t even offer any solutions. This is why I say that situations like this are terminal. There aren’t any solutions and the ones that could be used to help ease black women’s pain  or promote true happiness are never spoken of.

You see, black women won’t accept the fact that some issues are just terminal. They won’t accept that some issues won’t end with happiness, and “discussions” amongst black men and black women, (hell or even black women and white women) where ( black women) end up gaining something.  These black women don’t realize that some issues in our lives our terminal and that there is no “cure” that has been found at this point in time. These women don’t realize that they simply have to cut their losses so they can live the rest of their lives out happily and comfortably.

You see this documentary could have gone a lot differently. This video didn’t suggest that black women separate themselves from the rest of the black community which is (as the video itself pointed the majority of the people who shame dark black women) this documentary did nothing to suggest that black women turn off their televisions and not subscribe to people and entities that have shamed black women . (I.e. the entire media machine)  They did nothing to that affect. Basically after all the redundant conversation there was nothing proactive  about the situation for black women to achieve long term happiness that goes beyond simply getting things off their chest. When the video winds down black women will go home to the SAME CONDITIONS AS BEFORE. The happiness that black women could get from being proactive is never even mentioned.  And of course I  don’t have to ask why because this is what Halima would call that perpetual talking circle in which black women are drawn in and engaged in conversations to “let it out”  without EVER pointing fingers or finding solutions.

This video, which ironically people will not even notice, or if they do will let it go over their head, that documentary that was created by black men ( and don’t get me started about the clear bm privilege that allows Black Men to now speak for black women and create documentaries on black women’s behalf.) leaves black women as poor because it never gives black women anything to make themselves strong.   The simple suggestions could have been given were not. The formation of privilege in which black men are still on top in this situation is never deconstructed or even touched on.

Finally, I’m still a bit confused about this video because I don’t get its purpose. If it doesn’t call out any people, if it doesn’t offer solutions , If it is repetitive to what black women have been saying for decades what new purpose has it given?

All I saw was the usual begging the media and people who have proven to be enemies of black women accept them. Or on the opposite I saw women talking about loving themselves without actually giving practical solutions to change their life. Basically it was a reiteration of keeping black women begging and dependent on the hope that this documentary will incite “dialogue” instead of action.  I also heard the suggestion that black women “ need”  reinforcement that is positive for black women but not once did I hear that black women would be empowered if they were to turn off the tv’s and movies  and stop supporting the people/ buying into the system that is crushing them to begin with. That would be the most Positive reinforcement of all but it was never mentioned. They also didn’t mention of course wouldn’t dare tell black women to cut ties with the black “ community”. Though one black man in the documentary mentioned (in relation to black women dating white men) that black women should not expect black men to validate black women’s beauty.

All in all,

This blogger is not impressed.

Though the sad part is many women think this video is revolutionary.

Looks like troll face struck again.

And so many black women don‘t even realize it.

Until Next Time,

Stay neutral.


Yes I am aware that this month was supposed to be black women’s history and achievement month but I had writing deadlines and didn’t have enough time so my schedule is skewed. I hope that July will be better.