SHRED IT! A Response To The Question of Hypocrisy

Hello readers! A reader posted a comment on my blog asking me about the interracial dating hypocrisy in the black community.  And since as per the schedule that I highlighted in my “A look ahead post” May is readers suggestion month. So I will be answering this comment. * Note that there were a couple of other suggestions for blog posts that I received. I am not ignoring those suggestions it just so happened that I had the same type of blog posts planned in later months, and I’m going on a strict schedule where I want to have 1 blog post per week and everything is scheduled to a T.* Anyhoo* if anyone has any suggestions do leave a comment and if it doesn’t coincide with a later post planned for a different month I’ll try and write it.

-One Less Soldier.

Now let’s get into the post. As I was saying a reader sent me a comment asking my opinion on the interracial dating hypocrisy in the black community. She wanted to know what I felt on the matter.

You can read her comments here.

https://notyourgirlfriday.wordpress.com/2013/04/21/black-women-fandoms-101-a-series/

Here is what I think on the matter and the opinion/stance that I think all black women would benefit from taking.

I think NOTHING. ( This is another lesson in neutrality)

You absolutely heard me the first time but I’ll repeat.  I think absolutely positively nothing.

Don’t mistake me it’s not because I am not aware of the hypocrisy or haven’t been a victim of it. But I’ve never actually been concerned with it and I don’t believe my readers should be either.

Whenever I thought about the hypocrisy I almost immediately threw it out of my head as ridiculous for a couple of reasons.

  1. My life is my own.: That is, I am not going to spend my time, money,  love, youth, et al. On someone that I am not completely and utterly invested in. Maybe it’s just me and I’m exceptionally picky but I simply refuse to settle for someone that I don’t think is the best for me simply because of what my “family”/ “friends”/ “coworkers” happen to think about my choices.
  2. My vagina is my own.  Not only would I be wasting my youth and time on a relationship. I’m ultimately letting a penis into my vagina that I don’t truly ant to be there in the first place. Not only am I extremely picky with love. I’m not going to be pressured into having SEX with someone I’m not completely happy about.  That’s entirely RAPEY. Think about this, your family/friend/ coworkers are basically pressuring you to have sex  with someone you don’t like. It’s like the people who tell you to “get it over with” and lose your virginity and pressure you. I didn’t fall for that and I don’t give a damn about what anyone thinks enough to put the lime in the coconut with someone I ain’t even crazy about and totally attracted to.
  3. I’m not marrying/committing/ spending my WOMB having kids with someone that I don’t honestly want to be with.

In these instances hypocrisy never even occurred to me because I wasn’t going to listen to people because I had a line I simply wasn’t going to cross.

Another reason why I simply never decided to listen or even care about the hypocrisy is because I always went by the belief that if it’s so great for other people to do they can do it themselves. In the case of this young woman’s life her own brother didn’t live up to his own standards.  If he  thinks sleeping/ dating/mating with a black man is so great then he can do it. If it were so great her  wouldn’t have her do it while doing whatever he wants.

I put that out of my head simply because I find thought processes like that moronic. Further I am not letting anyone who has already lived their life or had/has  the free will to make their own choices change my mind. I also thought that was moronic so I never even got to the stage that processes hypocrisy.

Another reason why I think nothing about the hypocrisy  is this:

Any person , “family” “Friend” that asks me to do something that will essentially change my life in a way that I  can NOT enjoy and asks me to alter the course of my life by dating/marrying/ having sex/ having kids with someone I don’t love is not my friend at all. Which means once I realize that you’re not my friend/ family/ somebody that I know *care about * I automatically put any opinions that I have in my mental shredder.

I don’t know if anybody has ever seen a certain episode of the cartoon of SpongeBob Squarepants, and Spongebob, who wanted to learn how to be great “fancy waiter” basically mentally “threw out” any information that wasn’t relevant to being a waiter.

 

I like to liken my stance on the interracial hypocrisy and many other quality of life threatening situations to that.  I know where I want to go in my life, I have my list of accomplishments that I want to achieve. I know the type of career I want, the type of person I want to marry, the type of friends that I want to have and the type of hobbies I’m interested in taking up,  so mentally I’ve “shredded” information that doesn’t pertain to those things or people who threaten me from getting them.

Which is why I say that I honestly don’t necessarily even “process” that information.  I long ago mentally shredded words like “sell out” or “uncle tom” or “white man’s whore” or “Oreo”  or anything that could be filed under  “shame technique”. Those weren’t relevant to where I wanted to be. it became extraneous so I let it go.

The commenter discussed how her brother ruined her self-confidence from a young age because of his shaming techniques and how her mother didn’t care at all.   I have a few things that I think are imperative for the younger black women  (in their teens to here)  to think about when they are about in the dating world and in the rest of their lives.

For starters,

Consider who you are listening to:  One of the reasons why I never listened to people who were trying to use shaming techniques is because I always looked at the quality of life of the person who was saying the information. The commenter for example said that her brother himself treats his girlfriends very badly. I would automatically shred any “advice” they give simply because they obviously don’t know what they are talking about.  I remember once a minister (and I have no idea if any of you are religious) said to ask “on what authority “ does somebody have to give advice. ( You know I may do a separate post on this) Basically asking “on what authority” means  what credentials do these people have.  I always here about “experts” who are always telling people the way to live their lives and usually they have no authority to be speaking in the first place.   And these people rarely like to live the lives that they claim are the “best” ways to live.

Consider  why they are telling you:  Plenty of people feel the need to give black women advice on things that they would, could, should be doing. And there is a “village mentality” concerning the lives of black women that everyone needs to give their input before black women do what is best for them. Usually though these people are usually meddlers that feel that they can stick their nose in situations. They’re the noisy neighbor who just wants something to do.

Consider whether these people have your best interests at heart:  As I said plenty of people like to give black women advice. Usually though the advice given to black women, especially in the case of interracial dating and dating in general is not with black women’s best interests in mind. Usually, like most things it is to further a cause that somebody else finds important. In the case of the commenters family it’s clear that they want her to be a mule for whatever plans the “black community” comes up with . Even if that means renting out her womb and giving away her youth.” In the case of older black women usually single themselves they see pressuring black women as a way to live out their failed youth and have “another chance” fixing the poor choices and pathetic lives they found themselves in. Usually these women are now ex feminists who realized too late that their career wasn’t the most important thing, “black love” proponents who simply want to see their own unity fantasies play out for their own enjoyment, or mules who don’t want to see black youth “selling out.” These people also like to claim that it’s for you but realize that their Idea of “helping” generally has something to do with wronging their own mistakes.

Consider the privilege of the person speaking:  When considering the advice someone gives especially concerning dating, check the privilege that the person has when speaking. In the case of this young lady’s brother he feels he was the privilege as a black male to dictate what it means to be a “true black person” and feels that he has the privilege to dictate “black loyalty.” People who usually give advice to black women, are usually the ones who have the privilege to do whatever they want. For example the people who tell black women to NOT open their pool of dating options of the idiots who tell black women to wait until they’re in their 30’s or have a career are the ones who have the privilege to have an edge in the dating game or have the assurance of having a wide net of viable partners to choose from without expanding at all.

Consider what they have to gain from sending you in the wrong direction:  We already know that certain people don’t WANT black women to be happy, and we certainly know that people gain from black women being sent in the wrong direction.  We already know that black women being successful means less for other people. We’ve seen plenty examples of how people need black women to wield their privilege.  These same people don’t care about being hypocritical because they know that if you believe It it’s your loss. Simply put they just don’t WANT you to be happy because they don’t think you deserve it.

Consider the consequences after they’ve said it:  I remember the few  attempts by people that came into contact with me who tried to bully me. I wasn’t even necessarily about dating either. I either responded in kind and they were shocked that I turned their own sticks and stones on them.  The other side to that scenario was that I responded in NO way.  Here is why I didn’t respond. I simply didn’t CARE.  Just because somebody says something doesn’t mean you have to react. If somebody says “You’re a sellout”. Now what? Does your quality of life change?  (Usually it will only change when you don’t ignore them). Are you prepared to change your life so someone won’t *think* you are a sellout. Generally the consequences are the “disapproval”.  Consider this, after they’ve told you that they don’t like who you’re dating… Now what?

Also, and  I wrote about this before, black women need to be on guard even from their family because more and more people are using “familial connections” as a means of shame and control.  I want to warn other black women ( and I said this in a post long ago) that just because somebody is your family doesn’t mean they don’t have an agenda. It also doesn’t mean that they won’t use you to further that agenda.

Finally, and maybe it’s just me but generally, especially concerning dating, I generally take the stance that most people are morons.  I know some black women may be thinking that it’s difficult to ignore the shaming/ manipulating. Heck I have been in situations of being shamed, then when I remember that the person is a complete FOOL (like I said with the bullying) , I realize that I couldn’t care less.  I think that it gets a lot easier, when you take the stance the people are too dumb to tell you how to date/ live your life, and decide to make decisions that pertain to you and where you want to go.

Once you acknowledge that only you know what’s best for you and shred the rest, Ignoring the thinly veiled or even outright hypocrisy is a breeze.

Until Next Time,

Stay Neutral.

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23 thoughts on “SHRED IT! A Response To The Question of Hypocrisy

  1. Great words as usual Onelesssoldier. I want to add that to the young Black girls & women, if ANYONE is telling them to not put themselves first. look out for themselves, and seek their own happiness the EXACT same way that other races of girls/women are and the way certain races of males do, then they should IGNORE and DISTANCE themselves from said people. Seek out people who have NO problem with Black women & girls being happy and having the SAME freedom/civil rights as everydamnbody else!

  2. Lol this was when I was 4 or 6, I was too young to know better. Anyway, It didn’t stop me from liking men from other races, esp. Since I go to mostly international schools or highly multicultural school. But I’ve seen the same thing happen to other black girls saying they only date black guys etc. even though I never got it because a boy is a boy is a boy IS A BOY. Lol 🙂 or women saying they don’t like blonde men, it’s stupid. (If blonde hair is feminine, then most women are masculine) I think thats why some white dudes think bw dont like them. Lol, it never stopped me from liking anyone tho. (My first crush was a blonde boy in kg). it was so shocking afterwards though when i found out some people didnt see it as normal. they act like liking someone from another race is some new age ish! What people dont realize is it just pushed me farther into doing it because i dont like when people tell me how to feel. (#1 pet peeve) Thank you for replying to my comment. 🙂 I love all your posts!! :)))))

    *obv. I knew my brother was a hypocrite though so I continued to like who I liked. I was just giving an example.

    • Yes, that other girls are who I’m really talking to. Some of them are still having a problem with this. ( I know that you aren’t having the problem. 🙂
      I was happy to reply to your comment.

      OlS

  3. Hi, just discovered your wonderful blog. I wanted to comment about the “advice” given to black women. I’ve been happily married for 10 years to my [white] husband and I still have well-meaning black people, usually women, who still feel the need to comment. It’s pathetic. It’s not usually dating advice as most aren’t that disrespectful, but more loudly proclaiming what they would or would not have done in my position, or what their families would or would not have been okay with, or if I was their daughter blah blah.

    When I started dating in my teens, I wasn’t the type to explain or justify my partners, who were from a variety of backgrounds which only further fueled others’ curiosity, comments, etc. Some would say I “looked” like I didn’t date black men. Meaning, they didn’t even have “proof” and still felt the need to air their grievances about what they thought I might be doing! lol! And, it used to bother me, that they were right. Like there was something wrong with me. But when I considered everything else anyone had said about me, that I was confident, secure in my own skin, that I had a unique way of looking at the world, I realized what these people were picking up on. It was a clear vibe that “You cannot control me.” And it pissed them off. I wasn’t following the script.

    So they thought shaming me was going to do it. Traitor, oreo, “you think you’re better”, etc. Then it was guilt (“You’re educated, smart, doing something with your life, you need to help lift up black men”, ” You’re pretty, but you had to have a white boy too!” Gross). Sometimes, even the threat of violence from some black men when I was out on a date with an obviously non-black man.

    I’ve just aged into my early 30s and I think it’s great that more young black women aren’t settling. I think it must be really cathartic and helpful to have online spaces to talk about this stuff–I wish I had this when I was in high school and college!

  4. Hi,

    I’ve only recently discovered your blog and i absolutely love it! I am an American expat, black woman living in London. I can’t tell you how happy I am that there are spaces like yours where black women can come to and feel safe and talk about issues that affect us directly . I made the decision long ago to have nothing to do with th black community because it failed to protect the women and children and was full of dysfunction. My parents shielded my sister and myself from it anyways and I was lucky enough to be raised by educated middle class parents in a multicultural environment. I can’t say that I was exposed to much of the dysfunction of the community until I finished university and went out on my own and into the daing world. I have always dated interracially, but have also datedblack men. I am currently in an interracial relationship with a white Englishman and will be getting married soon. When I did start dating, I came into contact with th DBR black men who were proof positive of the dysfunction in the black community and I chose to not be bothered. For what? It was shocking to people that I would dare think I was too good to date someone who was a criminal, or refuse to be a baby mama, or have anything to do with a man who had several illegitimate children with many women. I do not agree with the attempts of trying to normalise dysfunction, as the black community seems so intent on doing. I was reprimanded by other black women who said they didn’t get why I would date interracially over chose to date this one particular man who had 5 children by 3 women! Really? Is this what I’m expected to settle for?

    I learned that not all black women are my ally and I made the choice to surround myself with black women who were like minded. Women of all colours in general who actually had my best interests at heart. Anyone who would advocate abuse and dysfunction for me is not my friend, no matter what colour. I did and still do find it especially vile when black women advocate abuse and dysfucntion for other black women.

    I faced negativity from my own family for my choices in a mate, or music choices, playing the violin etc.. ” acting white” sound familiar? So I got far away. As in I literally moved thousands of miles away to Europe because this is WHAT I WANTED. My advice to all black women young and old. Live your life for yourself. Not for some ” community” that hasn’t been working in your best interest for decades. Maybe back in th day when families and men actually tried to protect women and children could you in good faith give your resources. But this hasn’t been the case since the civil rights movement. So if you are a woman under th age of 50 what’s your excuse for remaining? Abuse? To be told your not worthy or beautiful….to be impregnanted and left? Just evaluate why you do what you do with the life you have and do better if you want better. For yourself. You can’t save anyone but yourself. And a lot of people in th black community are a lost cause. So get on the lifeboat and paddle away. The ones that want to get out will get one and paddle the hell away to and meet you on shore.

    I appreciate your blog and I absolutely love it!

    I especially loved your series on why feminism does nothing for black women….speak the truth honey!

    • Y’know the whole “acting white” thing never made sense to me. No matter what I do, I’ll still be brown, it’s a skin tone not a personality trait. ..I definitely agree with you though the people who say that are the same ppl who will late complain about being stereotyped. They don’t even know me or how I was raised, I related more to the cosby show growing up (even though my father isn’t a doctor lol) then something like Tyler Perry…who’s just keeping stereotypes alive and seems to love talking about women getting abused. Lol. I can definitely relate :))

      • I agree. It’s all about what you relate to and your interests. If they had any common sense they would be offended by the whole “acting black” thing. It’s associated with all negative things. Not speaking proper English, not taking education seriously, being loud and obnoxious- if you’re a black woman, illegitimate children….etc.

        If anything people should be trying to prove the stereotypes wrong. People see you and make assumptions if you act different then the stereotypes. When I still lived in the US it was only pointed out that I spoke proper English, or as these particular women put it, “talked like a white girl” when I was around certain groups of black women. In other circles it’s just speaking. You should master your native tongue and speak it well! I think it’s pretty ridiculous.

  5. I do want to add that I am not saying that I feel that the answer is interracial marriage/dating. I merely mentioned that I have always dated interracially, including black men, before anyone wants to start a black love argument about my relationship choices. I shouldn’t really have to say this, but I have learned from other BWE blogs I frequent that there is always one troll who will take issue with the fact that I dare mention my love for a non black, or gasp, white man. So I figured that I would add the disclaimer that I have indeed dated all ethnicities…including black and I chose who I wanted to be with …..as all women rightfully should do. For some reason black women are the only women expected to lay down and die for all things black. Including waiting forever on love.

    Sorry for this, but it seems necessary as more and more black women leave and come into bwe.

  6. I like your response to that question, and I agree. Black women really do need to stop caring so much what other people think about how we live our lives and with whom we have romantic relationships. It’s really no one else’s business. If someone doesn’t like who you date or marry, good news! They don’t have to spend time with that person. As far as I’m concerned it’s really as simple as that.

    I have to admit that I am lucky, family wise. My immediate family – with the one exception of my much older half sister – have never had a problem with any of my IRRs nor my marriage. She keeps it to herself mostly, but apparently feels the need to occasionally vent her fear that my future children may look white behind my back, to my parents and some of our other kinfolks. She knows me well enough not to say stuff like that directly to me. She’s been stressing over my IRRs since I was a teenager.

    On the other hand, neither of my brothers have ever taken issue with any of my bfs or my husband, and just want me to be happy. Ironically, neither of them have ever dated interracially themselves. Yet, guys I barely know who EXCLUSIVELY date non-BW will call me a sell-out who’s personal life is somehow “destroying the Black community”. Right.

    • Don’t you love when strangers try to tell you what’s good for you? Lmao….it’s condescending. Basically those black men want nothing to do with black women….until you’re not interested in them. Then they will jump thru hoops to get your attention. I find it especially hilarious when a black man who dates non black women himself says a woman is a sell out for choosing who she wants to date or marry from the world community, rather than the black community. So you’re only a sell out if you’re a black woman who is in an IRR…seems you and I never got the memo.

      • @London Calling,

        I believe the dynamic of BMs only taking interest in BW when she is with a WM is the slave dynamic. BMs continue to chase after all things valued by the WM or “Massa”. When a BW is the love interest or wife a WM, then suddenly the BM takes notice of that which the WM values. The BM has no real values of his own (not referring to “old school” BMs who are unfortunately vanishing rather quickly) as evidenced by his actions and various levels of dysfunction regularly on display.

        The best reaction to any of it is indifference. BMs day in the sun is coming to an end. The signs are there for everyone to see, they are being phased out of many venues as folks are tired of the “National Felons League” among other things. They have had over 50 years to build something of value but instead chose the path of least resistance.

        There is a saying “it is easier to join the darkness around you than to fight for the light within”. I think it is safe to say that the majority of BMs have chosen the former versus the lattter.

        But it is so not the problem of BW who want to live well and prosper. It is way past time to disconnect from the BC and leave the parasites behind.

        • “BMs continue to chase after all things valued by the WM or “Massa”. When a BW is the love interest or wife a WM, then suddenly the BM takes notice of that which the WM values. The BM has no real values of his own (not referring to “old school” BMs who are unfortunately vanishing rather quickly) as evidenced by his actions and various levels of dysfunction regularly on display.”

          That’s part of it too. I know someone was always teased and rejected by BM, because she is very dark skinned, but when she started dating non-BM the same BM who said she was “too black for them” were suddenly hitting on her left and right, saying how beautiful she was. She is very beautiful btw, but she always was. But those BM only noticed it after non-BM acknowledged it. Pathetic.

        • You know that I have never looked at it that way. I have recently come to the conclusion that black men associate black women with being a low status woman so it would make sense that they value black women only once you are with a non black man. The crazy thing is that for those who deem trying to get over on white men by dating white women, they don’t realise that white men could care less. They are not worried about what white women do with them. Black men say they are trying to beat “the man” yet he only chases what white men find valuable. Including black women in IRR. In my personal experience, when I was dating a white or other non black male I felt valued, respected and loved. Yet even when I was dating an educated black American man there was still that layer of disrespect. I am not talking about the older old school black men, but these younger 20-30s yrs old black men. I think it is telling that I get better treatment from non black men than black men. These were not pookie and ray rays….they were educated. Knew better and knew what they should do and how women should be treated yet they let this hip hop dysfunction mentality influence their attitudes towards women. I have no time for men like that, no matter what colour you are. I have yet to meet a non black man who took his cues about relationships from a rap video. I know they are out there…but I just haven’t met one.

      • I think, with this particular variety of BM hater, it’s about justification. What I mean by that is, they spend a lot of time trying to prove that they “have to date non-BW because BW are so [fill in blank]”. If you are a BW who is dating or married to a non-BM you are living proof that they are full of shyt. Such men hate being proven liars.

        They also tend to assume that we “MUST hate BM” just because we’re not married to a BM. It’s stupid and irrational, but it’s how such men feel about BW and assume that we are in IRRs for the same idiotic reasons.

        • Yes exactly. I don’t hate black men or anyone else, but I do hate how they treat black women. If they had any idea how other groups of men viewed them with disdain by how they treat us then they would wise up. Men don’t respect a man who doesn’t protect his woman and offspring. But hey…carrying on with this mysogynistic, vile music, abusing the weakest in your community and being deadbeats. I have black female friends who are married to black men and even they are disgusted by how other black men treat us! They don’t associate with the DBR black men and for good reason. They know that these men mean harm to their children and wives. They were the ones who actually have warned me about DBR black men told me to stay away from such and such….when you have other men telling people to stay away from you then you know you are a problem.

        • ” If they had any idea how other groups of men viewed them with disdain by how they treat us then they would wise up. Men don’t respect a man who doesn’t protect his woman and offspring.”

          EXACTLY! And they deeply resent the implication that they should have to anything more than eat, drink, sh*t and f*ck. Anything else and you want them to be “Workhorses”. LOL. Some a-hole actually took time out of his busy schedule to post that non-sense on my blog last week. What a loser!

          As if that is not disgraceful enough, they can’t even give BW a compliment without announcing to the whole world how much they loathe their own Blackness. Example: ANY BW that they are certain WM find attractive “looks like WW dipped in chocolate.” It’s like seriously dude? And it’s NEVER true. Even Beyonce, were she white skinned, would look like a Black albino. BM who think like that should just wear a sign that says ‘I hate being Black’ and be done with it. Such men have ZERO ethnic pride. Who could respect that? I wish they understood how they made themselves look to other groups. It’s not a pretty picture.

          “They were the ones who actually have warned me about DBR black men told me to stay away from such and such….when you have other men telling people to stay away from you then you know you are a problem.”

          When I started high school, my second oldest brother, whose only a few years older than me, warned me about being friendly with the BBs at my school. He said that most BBs he knew could not be trusted to act like they had sense when dealing with BGs (btw, he has only had 3 close BM friends his entire life). And he said they might try to harm me if I rejected them. I am so glad he warned me, because our father was middle aged when I was born, and my oldest brother (he’s a half sibling) is old enough to be my father, and neither of them had ever been around “new school” type BM. They only warned me about general guy specific stuff.

    • That was a really good post to read and thanks for directing it to me. One thing that I have always been curious about and have gotten a good laugh from was when men would say..” I have no kids, a job, a car and an education”. Then expect women to fall in rank because of it. That’s the bare minimum and you do not deserve accolade because you, as a man, are doing the minimum it requires in society to be successful. You should be educated. You should have a job! And you shouldn’t have children with several women. That’s not normal and to think you deserve an award because you have managed to not impregnante someone you are not married to only shows what so of many of them truly are. I thought it was telling if a man said this nonsense to me. Yeah ok honey…GTFOHWTBS.

      If you look at any other ethnicity of women, there is an understanding that the man must be able to provide at some level for his woman and offspring. Why do black men feel that black women do not deserve the same? Even better question is why do black women feel they don’t deserve this?

      One of the greatest swindles ever pulled on black women is this idea of the “gold digger”. It has black men refusing to take women on dates, provide for children they helped create and contribute to their own communities out of fear a black woman may benefit in some manner. Yet black men have no problem transferring their wealth to non black women every single day.

      I mentioned my friends’ husbands and I know they are the EXCEPTION…this is like a unicorn now a days…so black women need to wake up and realise that you are not going to find this often if at all! they do not exist. They are in their 30’s but they are hardcore old school. They come from two parent households and I believe this has a lot to do with how they view relationships. Like I said…..they are the EXCEPTION ladies, not the norm. So we all just need to stop with fairy tales….there isn’t going to be a throwback black man reboot ladies. If you had a good father, uncle etc….that’s fine but know these old school black men are dying out like the dodo bird. Lets just be honest. And so called “good black men” taking
      Advantage of the shortage is simply disgusting. I’m 31 and I see it in teens up to men in the 40s doing this. Look at Atlanta for example….the ratio is so skewed that straight black men are running amok there. In some ways I blame the women because you just have to expect more from a man than a trip to the Waffle House at 4 am and a sperm deposit every now and again. Oh…he bought you a handbag? A pair of expensive ass shoes, but he has 17 other women he dates and 37 children with 14 different women. You are a fool, idiot and a moron. A well dressed one…but still a fool, idiot and a moron with no self esteem.

      Seeing as how if a male is raised in a two parent home, then he is more likely to get married and raise his own children in a stable two parent home. More black women should be refusing to be baby mamas because it makes it not only harder for your children…both sons and daughters, but also your grandchildren! Why have 2 generations or more suffering because of some deadbeat? Because you lack self awareness and esteem to know you deserve a man who will protect, love,and provide for you and your children. And buying a pair of Jordan’s and picking your child up and dropping him or her off at granny’s house is not being a father. The lack of fathering and knowing what true parenthood looks like is one of the reasons why the Black community is is such shambles.

      It’s serious….hypergamy. Black women need to learn it and practice it in earnest. I certainly did and I will expect daughter to do the same thing! She is not going to have my grandchildren living bad because of some man, regardless of colour, is refusing to take care of his own. If black women looked more towards the legacy they leave for their family, then babymamdom would go out of style like the Jheri curl. I chose my mate not only because of love, but also because I know he will be a good father when we finally do have children and he will make sure that we are looked after. As in he will work hard no matter what in order for his wife and children to be taken care of. This is what a decent man does. He will not let his own suffer.

      I am still wondering how we have women making excuses for men. A deadbeat is not a man. A man who takes advantage of a woman because he knows he is in demand and because he can is not a real man. I personally get sock of the mammy brigade. They need to wake up!

      Again ladies….hypergamy! Think about your legacy. What will your daughters and granddaughters think of you? The mate you choose will be the most important decision you make in your life because it is basically going to determine whether the future generations of your offspring thrive or die! Choose a DBR black/white/Asian etc….you better believe your children and grandchildren will starve, have no self esteem, be in jail and be in despair. If you marry up your family will strive. I don’t even have a daughter yet, but you better believe that I am thinking about my life choices with her in mind because I want her to have a good life, and I want my grandchildren to have a good life and so on ans so forth. Mr. London Calling would die before he let me or his child do without.

      I have perhaps picked up the old fashioned way of thinking as if I am a matriarch already….and I’ll be damned if I see any dysfunction or nonsense from anyone descended from me. I’m just not having it. I expect my grandchildren to have my great grandchildren living well because anything else is unacceptable. Legacy is important and not so long ago it used to be important to black people.

      Both of my grandmothers made no bones about letting us know they expected us to bring the family name up and they were not about to watch their grandchildren or great grandchildren fall into despair, living in dangerous neighbourhoods with no father..so the speech was you had better get an education and marry well.

      Sorry for the long post….but this is something that black women need to really think about. Because its not just about you…it’s about your children and grandchildren too.

      Thanks ago for the links. I am definitely enjoying exchanging ideas with you ladies. I volunteer at a youth enter and one of the issues we address itself esteem and it is vital for all children…but especially little black girls. Lately I’ve been hearing way too much light skin vs dark skin among them and I’m doing what I can to educate on this.

      • You are quite welcome and you have summed up quite well the current state of affairs. Those ladies who want to live well not only for themselves but for their future children, please take note of what London Calling has shared.

        In addition, I highly recommend Muslim Bushido and Sojourner’s Passport’s archives as they contain a wealth of information for actionable items. It was very gracious of Ms. Nassif to keep this blogs active for ladies to continue to benefit from this life saving information.

  7. Dude this makes me think back on a ‘tumblr’ incident I witnessed when I was reading around, I’m not sure if you’re aware of the blog it’s called GradientLair(Black feminist blog, that’s anti-fat shaming, anti-slut shaming, pro Beyonce”she is a huge beyonce-stan”, probably anti-interracial, feels that women can wear next to nothing, etc etc). Well as I browsed the other, she was responding to of course a black woman who stated that she was not attracted to black men, because of the certain ideologies in her home, and going through a lot of verbal and emotional abuse from black men.

    And she stated that she knew not all black men are abusive but she just wasn’t attracted. Now, what shocked me was this so-called ‘safe space for black women’ of a blog brutally attacked the girl, even when she said that she understands that other races can be horrible too towards black women.

    Well the blogger Called her, misogynist, dangerous to black people, bigot, and all sorts of shaming words. My opinion was: Well if this a ‘safe space for black women’, and clearly the girl was abused by black men in the past, which probably shaped her perceptions of what she was attracted too. I don’t understand all of the aggression towards her. I’ve always thought it was human nature to gravitate towards a group that treats you better*shrugs shoulders*.

    In my opinion the blog overall didn’t make me feel ‘safe’ as a black woman, it was weird, I felt “exposed and angry with world”? But with your blog I feel empowered and actually safe. Anyways this topic just made me remember that. Black men and women attacked her, but then again she ran to the wrong blog, the blog was called “whitepeoplesaidwhat”(i think) who then GradientLair responded. GradientLair within itself is hypocrisy in my opinion, supports sex work which we all know is prostitution, pornography, stripping, etc and is inherently dangerous to black women. then turns around and talks about HIV/AIDS . Then supports promiscuity amongst black women/women in general. Have you come across any black feminist blogs similar?

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