Hello readers! A reader posted a comment on my blog asking me about the interracial dating hypocrisy in the black community. And since as per the schedule that I highlighted in my “A look ahead post” May is readers suggestion month. So I will be answering this comment. * Note that there were a couple of other suggestions for blog posts that I received. I am not ignoring those suggestions it just so happened that I had the same type of blog posts planned in later months, and I’m going on a strict schedule where I want to have 1 blog post per week and everything is scheduled to a T.* Anyhoo* if anyone has any suggestions do leave a comment and if it doesn’t coincide with a later post planned for a different month I’ll try and write it.
-One Less Soldier.
Now let’s get into the post. As I was saying a reader sent me a comment asking my opinion on the interracial dating hypocrisy in the black community. She wanted to know what I felt on the matter.
You can read her comments here.
Here is what I think on the matter and the opinion/stance that I think all black women would benefit from taking.
I think NOTHING. ( This is another lesson in neutrality)
You absolutely heard me the first time but I’ll repeat. I think absolutely positively nothing.
Don’t mistake me it’s not because I am not aware of the hypocrisy or haven’t been a victim of it. But I’ve never actually been concerned with it and I don’t believe my readers should be either.
Whenever I thought about the hypocrisy I almost immediately threw it out of my head as ridiculous for a couple of reasons.
- My life is my own.: That is, I am not going to spend my time, money, love, youth, et al. On someone that I am not completely and utterly invested in. Maybe it’s just me and I’m exceptionally picky but I simply refuse to settle for someone that I don’t think is the best for me simply because of what my “family”/ “friends”/ “coworkers” happen to think about my choices.
- My vagina is my own. Not only would I be wasting my youth and time on a relationship. I’m ultimately letting a penis into my vagina that I don’t truly ant to be there in the first place. Not only am I extremely picky with love. I’m not going to be pressured into having SEX with someone I’m not completely happy about. That’s entirely RAPEY. Think about this, your family/friend/ coworkers are basically pressuring you to have sex with someone you don’t like. It’s like the people who tell you to “get it over with” and lose your virginity and pressure you. I didn’t fall for that and I don’t give a damn about what anyone thinks enough to put the lime in the coconut with someone I ain’t even crazy about and totally attracted to.
- I’m not marrying/committing/ spending my WOMB having kids with someone that I don’t honestly want to be with.
In these instances hypocrisy never even occurred to me because I wasn’t going to listen to people because I had a line I simply wasn’t going to cross.
Another reason why I simply never decided to listen or even care about the hypocrisy is because I always went by the belief that if it’s so great for other people to do they can do it themselves. In the case of this young woman’s life her own brother didn’t live up to his own standards. If he thinks sleeping/ dating/mating with a black man is so great then he can do it. If it were so great her wouldn’t have her do it while doing whatever he wants.
I put that out of my head simply because I find thought processes like that moronic. Further I am not letting anyone who has already lived their life or had/has the free will to make their own choices change my mind. I also thought that was moronic so I never even got to the stage that processes hypocrisy.
Another reason why I think nothing about the hypocrisy is this:
Any person , “family” “Friend” that asks me to do something that will essentially change my life in a way that I can NOT enjoy and asks me to alter the course of my life by dating/marrying/ having sex/ having kids with someone I don’t love is not my friend at all. Which means once I realize that you’re not my friend/ family/ somebody that I know *care about * I automatically put any opinions that I have in my mental shredder.
I don’t know if anybody has ever seen a certain episode of the cartoon of SpongeBob Squarepants, and Spongebob, who wanted to learn how to be great “fancy waiter” basically mentally “threw out” any information that wasn’t relevant to being a waiter.
I like to liken my stance on the interracial hypocrisy and many other quality of life threatening situations to that. I know where I want to go in my life, I have my list of accomplishments that I want to achieve. I know the type of career I want, the type of person I want to marry, the type of friends that I want to have and the type of hobbies I’m interested in taking up, so mentally I’ve “shredded” information that doesn’t pertain to those things or people who threaten me from getting them.
Which is why I say that I honestly don’t necessarily even “process” that information. I long ago mentally shredded words like “sell out” or “uncle tom” or “white man’s whore” or “Oreo” or anything that could be filed under “shame technique”. Those weren’t relevant to where I wanted to be. it became extraneous so I let it go.
The commenter discussed how her brother ruined her self-confidence from a young age because of his shaming techniques and how her mother didn’t care at all. I have a few things that I think are imperative for the younger black women (in their teens to here) to think about when they are about in the dating world and in the rest of their lives.
Consider who you are listening to: One of the reasons why I never listened to people who were trying to use shaming techniques is because I always looked at the quality of life of the person who was saying the information. The commenter for example said that her brother himself treats his girlfriends very badly. I would automatically shred any “advice” they give simply because they obviously don’t know what they are talking about. I remember once a minister (and I have no idea if any of you are religious) said to ask “on what authority “ does somebody have to give advice. ( You know I may do a separate post on this) Basically asking “on what authority” means what credentials do these people have. I always here about “experts” who are always telling people the way to live their lives and usually they have no authority to be speaking in the first place. And these people rarely like to live the lives that they claim are the “best” ways to live.
Consider why they are telling you: Plenty of people feel the need to give black women advice on things that they would, could, should be doing. And there is a “village mentality” concerning the lives of black women that everyone needs to give their input before black women do what is best for them. Usually though these people are usually meddlers that feel that they can stick their nose in situations. They’re the noisy neighbor who just wants something to do.
Consider whether these people have your best interests at heart: As I said plenty of people like to give black women advice. Usually though the advice given to black women, especially in the case of interracial dating and dating in general is not with black women’s best interests in mind. Usually, like most things it is to further a cause that somebody else finds important. In the case of the commenters family it’s clear that they want her to be a mule for whatever plans the “black community” comes up with . Even if that means renting out her womb and giving away her youth.” In the case of older black women usually single themselves they see pressuring black women as a way to live out their failed youth and have “another chance” fixing the poor choices and pathetic lives they found themselves in. Usually these women are now ex feminists who realized too late that their career wasn’t the most important thing, “black love” proponents who simply want to see their own unity fantasies play out for their own enjoyment, or mules who don’t want to see black youth “selling out.” These people also like to claim that it’s for you but realize that their Idea of “helping” generally has something to do with wronging their own mistakes.
Consider the privilege of the person speaking: When considering the advice someone gives especially concerning dating, check the privilege that the person has when speaking. In the case of this young lady’s brother he feels he was the privilege as a black male to dictate what it means to be a “true black person” and feels that he has the privilege to dictate “black loyalty.” People who usually give advice to black women, are usually the ones who have the privilege to do whatever they want. For example the people who tell black women to NOT open their pool of dating options of the idiots who tell black women to wait until they’re in their 30’s or have a career are the ones who have the privilege to have an edge in the dating game or have the assurance of having a wide net of viable partners to choose from without expanding at all.
Consider what they have to gain from sending you in the wrong direction: We already know that certain people don’t WANT black women to be happy, and we certainly know that people gain from black women being sent in the wrong direction. We already know that black women being successful means less for other people. We’ve seen plenty examples of how people need black women to wield their privilege. These same people don’t care about being hypocritical because they know that if you believe It it’s your loss. Simply put they just don’t WANT you to be happy because they don’t think you deserve it.
Consider the consequences after they’ve said it: I remember the few attempts by people that came into contact with me who tried to bully me. I wasn’t even necessarily about dating either. I either responded in kind and they were shocked that I turned their own sticks and stones on them. The other side to that scenario was that I responded in NO way. Here is why I didn’t respond. I simply didn’t CARE. Just because somebody says something doesn’t mean you have to react. If somebody says “You’re a sellout”. Now what? Does your quality of life change? (Usually it will only change when you don’t ignore them). Are you prepared to change your life so someone won’t *think* you are a sellout. Generally the consequences are the “disapproval”. Consider this, after they’ve told you that they don’t like who you’re dating… Now what?
Also, and I wrote about this before, black women need to be on guard even from their family because more and more people are using “familial connections” as a means of shame and control. I want to warn other black women ( and I said this in a post long ago) that just because somebody is your family doesn’t mean they don’t have an agenda. It also doesn’t mean that they won’t use you to further that agenda.
Finally, and maybe it’s just me but generally, especially concerning dating, I generally take the stance that most people are morons. I know some black women may be thinking that it’s difficult to ignore the shaming/ manipulating. Heck I have been in situations of being shamed, then when I remember that the person is a complete FOOL (like I said with the bullying) , I realize that I couldn’t care less. I think that it gets a lot easier, when you take the stance the people are too dumb to tell you how to date/ live your life, and decide to make decisions that pertain to you and where you want to go.
Once you acknowledge that only you know what’s best for you and shred the rest, Ignoring the thinly veiled or even outright hypocrisy is a breeze.
Until Next Time,