My moral delimma with Feminism

Even before my break with feminism I always felt a bit…shifty about some of the agendas that feminists had. In fact more than shifty I downright disagreed with and simply could not see the logic behind some of the choices that feminists, (white and black) have made.  Below I have highlighted a few of the agendas that feminists have that I disagreed with and why I ultimately found it very easy to walk away.

Promiscuity as a positive- This was one of the first things I’ve had a problem with.  Too many feminists that I encountered (black & white) promote the idea of sex without repercussions Honestly I just don’t think it’s possible. While there is so much talk of “empowerment”, “experimenting” and “getting to know your body” what I have gathered is there is little value in sex itself but only the notion of gaining experience. Later these same women can’t keep an emotional relationship to save their souls. I found that it was near impossible to align myself with people who think hooking up and casual sex are somehow good for women.

Virgin Shaming- Goes hand in hand with the top one. These same women who were constantly on guard for “slut shaming” had no qualms when it was the opposite. Being a virgin in high school (and still being one) My friends found me to be a novelty, and treated me as if I were a naïve fool or a simpleton just too unworldly to understand anything. Further there is a contempt and derision toward women who decide not to have sex yet or don’t believe in casual sex. These women are seen as brainwashed, nutcases, prudes, or people who are too buttoned down and need to “loosen up”. They’re also mocked relentlessly. In one article on Jezebel they called women who stayed virgins in their 20’s “smug” and on a Clutch article, some of the commenters scorned one celebrity who said she was a virgin.

Shaming….  Shaming- Another thing that I just couldn’t comprehend. Too many feminists that I’ve encountered just CAN NOT comprehend that just because you can do something doesn’t mean that it’s GOOD FOR YOU. Further for anyone who dares question the future downfalls of such behavior, they are immediately accused of shaming. For example if someone says that it may not be a good idea for women to indiscriminately have sex, or if someone says there may be emotional downfalls to watching pornography, they are automatically told they are “shaming” their fellow feminists. I’ve also noticed buzz words like “sex positive” thrown around or “pro (pick an adjective)” so if you don’t support x cause you’re just not being supportive and if you aren’t agree complacently then you MUST be shaming.

Sex positive- This is similar to the first one in the fact that feminists believe that anything that has to do with “free” sex is somehow “empowering”. For some reason women seem to think that if it involves sex (even in shady situations) You MUST being freeing yourself as a woman. For example I simply don’t understand the women who think that getting up on a pole, or prostituting yourself is empowering.  These women think that girls like Ke$ha are empowering or GIRLS (the show) is the way to live.  Ironically, and conversely these women somehow say that they don’t want to be “objectified in the media” or don’t understand why women have body and self-esteem issues OR why men don’t value them OR why men treat them like sex objects when they SELL themselves. They also can’t make the correlation between young girls trying to be sexy (and becoming sexual younger) and the culture they promote.  The underlying theme to be “sexy not sexual” is pervasive. Further, what I found even more disgusting than the obvious flaws in logic was simply the fact that the “causes” that these women support only benefit women in a higher social class (regardless of race). The women who support pornography DON’T care that the majority of female porn stars were recruited young and usually have emotional problems.  They don’t care that prostitutes worldwide are NOT prostitutes by choice (look at Asia and India specifically.)  They don’t care that the majority of prostitutes are recruited when they are under 18 and that sex trafficking is the fastest growing trafficking in the world.  They see themselves (the lucky ones) benefitting from it and they force the people who are not in the lifestyle by choice onto it. Meanwhile these women themselves aren’t prostitutes but they are likely the ones who claim to go to a strip club “for fun” while watching poorer women debase themselves. The absolute disregard from poor women (of all races) is absolutely retched.

Femininity- This is another biggy for me. Too many feminists think that anything that is traditionally “female” is subjugation. I’ve seen Jezzies mock women who like hello kitty, the color pink etc all because it’s not “empowering.” This is ironic to me because I don’t see how it is ironic to become “masculine”. How is taking on “male “qualities freeing?  Obviously they only value “male “qualities just like they claim men do. If you have to change yourself to be accepted you’re not truly free.

Career>Marriage-  Another theme feminists love to push is spending your 20’s building up a career and then waiting until you’re 30 to get married/ have kids. I don’t like this idea. I don’t put ever last shred of my emotional security into my career. I want to get married and have kids at a reasonable age( my20’s). Gasp! I find more value in family than I do my career. For those of who do though we’re called sell outs and shunned for “setting women back 50 years” and chaining myself to the kitchen.

Mountains out of Molehills- Another big one. I’ve seen too many women wasting their time “fighting” for causes that don’t matter.  The topless movement in NYC is a good example. These women are again wasting their time on things that are useless in the long run. Another good example is an article I saw about how some little girl (with her mother’s help I’m sure) a letter to the makers of the game Guess who because there weren’t enough girl pieces. Game pieces and whether you can walk around with your boobs out in public do not affect your quality of life, but from the causes feminists take up you would think this was the case.

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20 thoughts on “My moral delimma with Feminism

  1. I completely agree with all of your points, and I learned a few new things about “feminist” priorities as well. For example, I had no idea that they were actively ridiculing those of us who don’t believe that career should define our value to society, choose to marry before our eggs dry up and save ourselves for marriage (I didn’t, but I applaud those who do). Also, stripping and sex trafficking is “empowering” in their minds? They’re insane! They seem to be nothing more than misogynistic wanna-be men. The causes that feminists choose to champion are not only frivolous, but a danger to the well-being of women!

    • yes they really think that women who aren’t “having it all” are actually doing something wrong. As if a career is the end all be all.
      Hell there was an uproar when Michelle Obama said she was a wife and mother first!
      Oh and the women on Jezebel were positively nasty in their comments when Meagan Fox said that now that she was
      a mother she didn’t want to strip on screen. You would have thought it was a good thing! But not for them!
      Oh and they had an article saying that “modesty was bullshit”. And it isnt just this website either. There are
      tons of feminists who support this stupidity.

      Some of them truly believe that prostitution and stripping are somehow good empowering things and not damaging! So twisted.
      (especially considering the people who get hurt)

      I agree. Frivolous is a perfect word because it’s a waste of time!
      Its disgusting how desperate they are to prove that they can be like “men”even at their own expense!

      • Their reaction to the First Lady and Megan Fox is so completely typical of feminists. They all seem to have this attitude that husbands and children are useless and don’t matter. Yet, most of them CLAIM to want children. I guess they want / expect someone else to raise these children. Maybe that is why they liked “the Help” so much.

        And it is so obvious that they would rather be men than women. Their idea of “girl power” is proving to random guys that they can do anything that men can do. LOL. Who cares? Why do they need to prove that they can be like men anyway? I will never understand that. Do they want to be honorary “bros” or something? They’re ridiculous!

        • Yes they do want someone else to raise their kids. In one article on beyondblackandwhite a woman was talking about why she liked sallie krewcheck.(a ceo). Keep in mind that the woman (sallie krawcheck) said she left her kids for two weeks at a time and said that she had to bribe them with American idol concerts. Pathetic! They also said they wouldnt mind “outsourcing” their work with a nanny/housekeeper/cook. I dont get the point of having kids if you treat them like an accessory which is what a lot of commenters were treating them like. And the woman said that because it took longer to become a business woman
          it was more important than being a mom.

          Oh I know they are so desperate to sleep around to prove themselves its pathetic. just another reason why I cant associate myself with them. Its sad they want men to respect them but I dont think that impersonating a man is actually getting that. Oh and on Jezebel there was an article talking about how they wanted the end of chivalry because it made women look they they were too delicate or some crap like that. I wish women like them would stop ruining it for the rest of us.

        • The number 1 reason I don’t trust feminists is that they make it plain that they consider women inferior to men. How can you be pro-women when you believe that? Acting like men is not the way to prove that you are equal to men, it just proves that you think there’s something wrong with being a woman.

          No one who considers what they are inferior will ever gain respect from those they consider superior. Doesn’t matter if it’s because you are a woman or Black or Hispanic or Asian or have a physical disability. If you don’t respect you why would anyone else? There’s a reason men treat women who sleep around like toilette tissue when they’re done with them.

          “Oh and on Jezebel there was an article talking about how they wanted the end of chivalry because it made women look they they were too delicate or some crap like that. I wish women like them would stop ruining it for the rest of us.”

          Amen.

        • ” The number 1 reason I don’t trust feminists is that they make it plain that they consider women inferior to men. How can you be pro-women when you believe that? Acting like men is not the way to prove that you are equal to men, it just proves that you think there’s something wrong with being a woman. ”

          Exactly almost every time feminists have an issue the solution is always act like a man.
          Men sleep around so instead of making men change their bad habits and demanding respect
          all they did was conform to what men do. How exactly is copying men empowering? Not to mention like you said it doesn’t make men respect them
          for it in the long run. Now they know they can get away with throwing them away when their done. Another time when there was media attention on women who were exercising their “right”
          to go topless in NYC because “men”got to go around without a shirt too. I don’t see how it is empowering
          to let every man in town stare at your breasts just to prove you can do it too! Simply crazy!

  2. Yes. Could they all please have a nice cup of STFU. They never know anything about living on the other side of these coins that they despise so much. Its this ignorance that allows them to be so brazen and dismissive of such notions.

    Get rid of chivalry?? Ma’am are you crazy? They really need to stop the madness because I cant deal with it anymore. I think a good rule of thumb is that anything they are gung ho for we need to reject as its going to be some pure garbage.

    Black women need to embrace their femininity as this can only help us eradicate the too too prevailing image of us as manly. Is it right, of course not. But if more real world Black women start behaving and dressing in a pretty, gorgeous feminine manner, one will begin to wonder where the negative image is deriving and look at it askance.

    As such, these images of us as manly and not sexy will be called out as being unrealistic.

    I will add that I do not believe a woman’s virtue is tied to her vagina, but I believe that women should have the right to choose. Either way.

    • Black women need to embrace their femininity as this can only help us eradicate the too too prevailing image of us as manly. Is it right, of course not. But if more real world Black women start behaving and dressing in a pretty, gorgeous feminine manner, one will begin to wonder where the negative image is deriving and look at it askance.

      As such, these images of us as manly and not sexy will be called out as being unrealisti

      This is perfect! If black women change themselves then stupid images of them will be looked at with a side eye because people
      will know its not true.

      I will add that I do not believe a woman’s virtue is tied to her vagina, but I believe that women should have the right to choose. Either way.

      I do agree. Virtue is not synonymous with virginity. My only problem is women who push hooking up just to prove something to men. Not because they actually want to. And then they try and get other women to join in under the guise of empowerment. That is what I cant stand.

    • “Yes. Could they all please have a nice cup of STFU. They never know anything about living on the other side of these coins that they despise so much. Its this ignorance that allows them to be so brazen and dismissive of such notions.”

      YES! Their attitude seems to be ‘if it’s not happening to me it doesn’t matter.’ That’s feminist sister-hood for ya.

      “Get rid of chivalry?? Ma’am are you crazy? They really need to stop the madness because I cant deal with it anymore. I think a good rule of thumb is that anything they are gung ho for we need to reject as its going to be some pure garbage.”

      You got that right! I believe we can safely thank feminism for all the guys who are afraid to be chivalrous because they don’t want to offend you by acting like gentlemen. I also blame them for the general lack of common courtesy in our society today, that their feminist agenda claims is making men and women more “equal” in the eyes of society. What a bunch of hogwash!

      “Black women need to embrace their femininity as this can only help us eradicate the too too prevailing image of us as manly. Is it right, of course not. But if more real world Black women start behaving and dressing in a pretty, gorgeous feminine manner, one will begin to wonder where the negative image is deriving and look at it askance.”

      Absolutely! And Black women have been given a natural advantage over other women – full soft lips, high round butts, round womanly hips and a naturally small waist. The kind of body that the corset and bustle were created to imitate.

      “My only problem is women who push hooking up just to prove something to men. Not because they actually want to. And then they try and get other women to join in under the guise of empowerment. That is what I cant stand.”

      Yep, they want us all to turn tricks, even if they have to use bullying. I remember reading something by a woman named Camille Paglia (sp?) who said that if a woman goes to a guy’s home and changes her mind about having sex with him and he rapes her, she should just lay there and take it, go home and make a different choice next time. So, basically, this feminist thinks that date rape isn’t rape if you enter a man’s home! And instead of reporting the attack, you should keep your mouth shut and consider it a lesson learned the hard way. I can not, and will not, get on board with that type of thinking.

  3. As a feminist I don’t think you should be judged for being a virgin or choosing to be a virgin – that’s entirely your choice, and you should be respected for it. Ditto for valuing a family over a career and wanting to express your femininity.

    I agree that much of what is said to be “empowering” for women in popular culture is just male fantasies dressed up so.

    And, I don’t think there’s anything essentially positive about promiscuity, (and nothing essentially negative either). It works for some and not for others. It’s having the choice that matters. So, as a feminist, I agree with you on quite a lot.

    The important things for me are that women shouldn’t be judged for the choices they make. Dressing a certain way doesn’t make you a slut, just as refusing offers of sex doesn’t make you frigid. Above all else, women should have full equality with men because neither sex is any more deserving of entitlements than the other.

    Anyway, thanks for the read 🙂

    • “And, I don’t think there’s anything essentially positive about promiscuity, (and nothing essentially negative either). It works for some and not for others.”

      Nothing negative about promiscuity???? Really?! I have to know, who is it that you believe promiscuity is working for? What are they getting out of it, exactly?

      • “Nothing negative about promiscuity???? Really?! I have to know, who is it that you believe promiscuity is working for? What are they getting out of it, exactly?”

        This! *Stand ups, applauds, sits back down and begs for encore*

        I’m so glad someone has finally asked what the supposed benefits of promiscuity are…
        Actually I’m getting ready to put out a post on this very topic. So look for that.

        • Do you think we’ll ever get an answer?
          I’ve asked people I’ve known who promote this idea in real life and have never gotten a real answer. Just “It’s not right for everyone” or some other equally non-committal response. They’re so full of it!
          Though in real life, these people are usually men.

          I’m looking forward to your next post.

      • I’m perhaps not the best person to ask, as I wouldn’t call myself particularly promiscuous. I am, however, aware that there are people in the world who think differently to myself and I try to treat those people with respect.

        This includes those individuals who choose to have casual sex with various partners,

        If you’re unable to fathom how someone in the world can derive pleasure or fulfillment from something you wouldn’t yourself enjoy, I’d simply remind you that not everyone in the world thinks exactly the same as you.

        To end on something on which I hope we both agree: There certainly shouldn’t be any difference between the ways a promiscuous woman is treated and a promiscuous man.

        • Since your are not “particularly promiscuous” (whatever that means) I guess you aren’t the person to ask.

          “If you’re unable to fathom how someone in the world can derive pleasure or fulfillment from something you wouldn’t yourself enjoy, I’d simply remind you that not everyone in the world thinks exactly the same as you.”

          I’m not a virgin. I am married, and despite the media’s slanted view of traditional man-woman unions, I can assure you that there is a great deal of sexual pleasure involved therein. In fact, it seems to get better everyday, because the trust and intimacy that we share grows daily.

          What I can’t understand is the need to change partners like they were socks or undies. That absolutely mystifies me. What additional “pleasure or fulfillment” is achieved from that? That is the real question I was asking in my earlier comment. Isn’t that the implication of promiscuity — that multiple sex partners are somehow better than one?

          “To end on something on which I hope we both agree: There certainly shouldn’t be any difference between the ways a promiscuous woman is treated and a promiscuous man.”

          Yes, I can agree to that. I have as little respect for men who whore around as I do for women who whore around. Despite the fact that when birth control fails (and it does more often than some people would care to admit), only one will be up Sh*t’s Creek.

        • I don’t think that there was ever any doubt that people think differently than us. Neither I nor, the other commenter never doubted that someone could find pleasure from having sex with multiple people.
          My question and hers were what were the supposed “benefits” of doing this. Because as I said in my post many feminists that I have encountered have pushed being promiscuous as a UNIVERSALLY beneficial concept. This is also coupled with a large majority of women in the feminist community that “are unable to fathom” the fact that women DON’T want to engage in sexual acts with multiple people and there is subsequent shaming of said women.
          This is also coupled with many women who say that women who aren’t partaking in such.. ahem.. delights are missing out and yet they never say what they are missing out on and what these supposed benefits will be when they do join in.
          Also while we are not debating that it can be fun, I rarely see anyone in the feminist community talk about the disadvantages of being promiscuous. I do not believe that there are NO disadvantages even thought that is what people would like to have many women believe.
          I think my post basically highlights the fact that “not everyone in the world thinks like me” because I explained (maybe not clearly enough) the shame I’ve been dealt by feminists who I didn’t think like. Obviously these women have not yet realized that sexual behavior is not one size fits all because they are pushing this on me and other women like me.
          Not to mention from your posts you have also proven exactly what I meant when I said that in the feminist community if you question why someone is doing something it is considered that you are “judging”them.

  4. “many feminists that I have encountered have pushed being promiscuous as a UNIVERSALLY beneficial concept.”

    It isn’t, and neither is promoting it as such an aim of feminism.

    “This is also coupled with a large majority of women in the feminist community that “are unable to fathom” the fact that women DON’T want to engage in sexual acts with multiple people and there is subsequent shaming of said women.”

    Obviously you and I have met very different feminists. I can completely understand how people might not want multiple partners and of course that’s completely fine. Lots of feminists I know are married or in committed relationships and so don’t want multiple partners either.

    I’d also say that shaming of women is about as far from feminism as you can get. I would therefore question whether these people you’ve met who identified themselves as feminists really are so.

    “This is also coupled with many women who say that women who aren’t partaking in such.. ahem.. delights are missing out and yet they never say what they are missing out on and what these supposed benefits will be when they do join in.”

    Who are these women? I’m racking my brains about this and the closest thing to feminism I can think is the idea of a woman taking command of her sexuality and enjoying sex – but that can be done in a loving, committed relationship with a partner, (Obviously!).

    “Also while we are not debating that it can be fun, I rarely see anyone in the feminist community talk about the disadvantages of being promiscuous.”

    I haven’t seen this either, but I’ve never seen anyone talking of advantages either. I’ve also never seen a Christian talk about the advantages of wood paneling and I think it’s because wood paneling is not really a Christian issue, just as judging a women’s choices (whatever they are) is absolutely not feminist.

    Whoever these people are who judge women for not having lots of casual sex – I agree with you completely. They have no right to judge anyone. The only place I guess in which we disagree is that, even if they call themselves feminists, I certainly wouldn’t.

    Anyway, thanks for the reply and have a lovely day 🙂

  5. My encounters with feminism:

    – a while female who was enamoured with a gigolo who treated her like hell. Yet, in her public life, she was all for women rights

    – an mixed undergraduate who was so into feminism she wanted to help BW and their many problems (see Nikki Minaj). Said feminist was a sahm looking after her n firstborn while boyfriend worked to provided for his family. In other words, she studied feminism but nothing in her life exemplified it.
    Why wasn’t she wmpowering herself and working?
    Why was she looking after her child, at home?

    -also see Lori Gottlieb, for whom feminism meant having a baby by a sperm donor on her own. Until she realised dating with a child was not working.
    http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-him/306651/

    21st century Western feminism is of no use to me 🙂

  6. Pingback: l’m #NotAFeminist , #StayingNeutral , #DontCapeForThemUnlessTheyProveThemselves #HeForShe? | Black Girl With An Attitude

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