Black Women Shaming 101

Hello and welcome to class.

Take a seat.

Today I want to talk to you about a mysterious phenomenon called “Black Women Shaming” Like the Northern Lights that can be seen in Alaska it  is a very mysterious but illuminating  occurrence.

If you’re wondering why we’re covering this, it is because for anyone who wants to effectively leave OZ (or what I like to call the black community/feminist community.) Black women are going to have to define and identify the *very* thinly veiled antics that people try to use to keep black women in their place. (And with it keeping them at the beck and call of whoever deems to “need” them at the moment. Which leaves black women feeling obligated and in an immovable  position when they realize they are NOT as happy as everyone has convinced them that they should be and want to get out.

So, If you are ready to leave you need to know the following techniques… Let’s begin.

Shame tactic #1: Insults.

This is one of the most obvious, pathetic yet very effective in shutting black women up and keeping black women out of what they should have access to. When black women notice that something is amiss usually the immediate response is something nasty and insulting. ( Think how black women who want to be feminine are called sell outs to feminism) or black women who don’t want to be promiscuous are told they are repressed, stupid, or judgmental.

Another example is  if there is an article on how black women are supposedly single or (in one of the funniest scenarios) if black women are discussing interracial dating or really anything for that matter.

Usual shaming responses are:

“Black women are single because they’re bitches, non submissive, angry (for no apparent reason) are not “wifey” material, ugly, unattractive fat, whores sluts ,feminist (yes this is used as an insult)  Only good for one thing ungrateful, white men’s (or any other races of men) whore, stupid, won’t take responsibility and just plain useless

Note that it is not just in matters of dating/interracially dating that these sorts of insults come up. They are also used when talking about the state of the black community or anything else for that matter. This serves to reaffirm what black women have been fed for years by numerous different people and immediately degrades lost black women to a place where they are afraid to move for fear of more retribution.

Shaming Tactic #2: Helping Hands:

Usually with this a black woman will say something usually with the claim that they are saying if for black women’s “own good” for examples…

#1HBO’s girls writer said she didn’t write a black character in because she had no experience and she wouldn’t be able to do the character justice.

#2Or black women don’t want to date inter racially because other men won’t understand him.

#3Or from other black women. I’m trying to watch out for my “sistas” and keep it real to tell you the truth so you don’t waste your time.

#4Or I’m telling you black women are undesirable because it’s better come from me than them. I’m trying to “Help” you get your act together.

#5: or support my cause because we can help each other but usually there is no return for black women.

Black women are convinced and tricked into being passive because they believe they are being helped and that someone else is looking out for their best interest when really they are being set back.

Shaming Tactic #3 Proof Positive:

In this instance black women could point out something blatantly misogynistic rude, racist, or just plain wrong. In this case the perpetrator will stop without remorse and confirm what is happening and give very distinct reasons why.
For example black women could say that black men have largely abandoned their roles in the black community as leaders husbands or fathers, and in this case the response would be something along the lines of

“You’re right, black women have been abandoned because they are simply unworkable, trifling women. They drove black men away.”

Or to the blatant color ism in the black community. “Yes it may be colorist but I’ve been brain washed by “the white man” to seek white flesh, or “Black women are unattractive or  “you can’t control someones preference.”

In this case proof positive is meant to stop black women in their tracks. If their worst fear is actually confirmed then there is nothing that can be said. Black women are to then accept their lot in life without hesitation. The worst fears of their subconscious have  been confirmed so they can begin the self fulfilled prophecy.

Shaming Tactic # 4:  Red Herring or Gaslighting

This one is amazing simply because it is almost always affective (accept in recent years when black women have realized what’s going on.)

Scenario #1 Black woman can talk about the blatant racism in the modern feminist movement and in a gas lighting technique white feminists will turn the talk back to the “bigger issue/picture”. Usually this includes distracting black women so they don’t realize that they are being played long enough for the other group to get what they want out of black women for as long as possible.

Scenario #2 Black women could talk about sexual abuse in the black community and in similar fashion to above they will say. “Well that is interesting but what about black MEN” and stall the conversation or “When black men are helped it will trickle down to black women”

If these tactics don’t work the gas lighting begins. Blatant denials about being racist. “See response to Gabby Douglas saying girls at gym were racist.”  She was either making it up or imagining it.  Black women are told they are simply being “too sensitive.”

(Or when black women on Jezebel got mad at them for not supporting black women who supported Ashely Judd’s statement about Hip Hop and misogyny they were told “how do you not see that it’s racist for Ashely Judd to make such remarks.” Turning the picture of away from mysoginy in rap to black men getting their feeling hurt and racism at large.)

*I like to parallel this to what happens in white women’s communities with red herrings.  For example the topic can be female genital mutilation and some man somewhere will ask “but what about circumcision?” or the topic can be domestic violence against women and someone will say “But what about domestic violence against men?” (see Evelyn lazoda case where people said what about female female violence. i understand that is bad but that is not the problem at hand.)

This keeps black women ashamed for speaking up when there are other “more important” larger problems in the world. Because why bother with trivial stuff when other stuff can be solved. It makes black women think they have to serve the greater good first and take sides before serving themselves to the detriment of themselves. Or with gaslighting it makes black women think they are crazy until they shut their mouths.

Shame tactic #5 Positive Reinforcement/ Stockholm Syndrome

I think this is another insidious tactic because it’s hard to break and black women think they are getting something when really it is a mirage. In some cases I’m not sure came first the chicken or the egg.

Example when something goes wrong in the feminist or black communities like the gang rape of the 11 year old girl in Texas by 20 or so black men there are the black women who immediately jump to their defense. These women are trained very well.  Usually these women have either received what I like to call a “scooby snack” (they stand up and preform on hind legs for a treat ) (which they may or may not get if they’ve done a good job)

For example: the black women who say. “I find White men (or whoever ) attractive but I will never “abandon” black men.”

From a psychological standpoint these black women think that if they say these things a black man will come out and comment about how good black women’s loyalty is and reward them nicely. They think that black men will suddenly like them more or want to date them more or whatever.  They think if they defend rapists and abusers they will receive treats for being loyal to the death to black men and they think that will ultimately help the black community by being “united”. Or they will finally meet nirvana and marry the black man of their dreams, the ultimate reward for being so loyal to a fault. (Or at least have some sex until they are thrown away)

Usually only very few black men ever respond with a scooby snack but when they do black women fight to the death over it.  But it is enough. As with any conditioning it has black women salivating every time like Pavlov’s dogs. And after these treats these black women are more sympathetic next time.

Shaming Tactic #6: Guilt.

The most widely used and obvious but it always works.  In the black and feminist community when black women say or do anything close to walking away guilt is always used when it is a last resort.

Scenario 1: Black woman:” There is blatant color-ism against black women in and out of the black community.”

Person 2: “Black women need to stop complaining.   They are being hurtful and divisive. It is not black men’s fault they have been brainwashed they are victims too. Lets not blame the innocent. Black men are victims too.” Edit:  (Note this is also use by white feminists who when called on the fact that they frequently use racist white beauty standards to their advantage claim that it’s not their fault because they are also victims of the system. Meanwhile getting angry at black women who play into too. See vocal negative response to Jennifer Hudson loosing weight and how she was selling out and how she looked sooo much better with “curves”  This clearly keeps black women from calling out people using the system to their advantage but keeps black women from using to help them too. (or see the guilt and shame black women receive (from blacks and whites) for trying to relax their hair. Because they are self hating when they also try to play into the same racist sexist society.)  This keeps black women again from playing into the system while still being trampled by everyone else playing into

Scenario 2: when black women didn’t want to see red tails because it cut them out black women were guilted into going because they needed to “support black movies” so more would be made.

A recent clutch magazine article showed the author saying that she was making peace with Tyler perry because he was not responsible for representing everyone,, he worked in racist Hollywood and therefore was only trying to break in the racist business and did what he could,  and that  it’s not his responsibility to not make black women look dumb.

Scenario number 3: When black women didn’t want to do slut walks black women were guilted by white women saying it was a woman’s issue. Sisterhood blah blah blah.

Stuff  like this is supposed to make bw doubtwalking away and keep the perpetually in the foray even against there better judgment.

Shame tactic # 7: Fear & Threats

Includes scare tactics to keep black women from moving or thinking straight and operating in a way that people want them to.

For example white feminists say :If it’s bad for us think about what it will be for you. ( black men say similar along the lines of  you will always be black or they’ll never forget your race or if it’s bad for us imagine what it will be for you”

Example 2:If black women don’t respond to street harassment by giving out phone numbers and lots and lots of SEX they have the possibility of being, screamed at attacked and hurt or worse.

Example 3:Don’t date anyone else black women, nobody will ever want you.

All of these keep black women’s legs and wallets and time open to whoever decides to use them. And keeps black women afraid of saying NO because they wonder “What will it be like out there if I leave?” or they go along with it because they think. “I don’t want to be hurt.”
What does this mean? This means that black women need to recognize these things so that they can immediately tell when someone is either a friend or foe or when someone is trying to control them. If black women can master this course. They will be able to effectively move forward with their lives.

Class Dismissed…..


37 thoughts on “Black Women Shaming 101

  1. BRILLIANT. This entry is simply a MASTERPIECE. You spelled out the nuts & bolts of the disgusting anti-Black women/girl racism/sexism that has been going on for too damn long perfectly. This post could bascially be called “Anti-Black female raciomisogny 101”, for it spells it all out, and basically leaves no stone unturned. The colorism, the relegating to baby mama status, the erasing, the silencing, the street harrassement, the twisted media images of Black women/girls in & out of Black media, it is all explained right here.

    You did yourself proud. I thank you for this, for it needed to be said.


    • Thank You so much! I’m glad you enjoyed it. Yes I think “Anti-Black female raciomisogny 101″ would also be an apt title. I just hope as many black women as possible see this because too many black women have to deal with this everyday!

      Btw let me know if you think I left any shaming techniques out. I’ll make sure to add it to the post

  2. Pingback: SING!! « notyourgirlfriday

  3. Lol…typical misdirection of the real issues that trouble our women. This so called “masterpiece” only has four, well five comments now for a reason. “We” as in responsible and productive black men love our women. Do keep in mind though, we also require our mates to be responsible for their shortcoming, and actually acknowledge that they have them. A humble and intellectual man has no problem admitting his shorcomings or correcting them. The modern day woman sees this as weak, seeing no flaw in her own disposition. This issue will only go away when both agree on what positive enforcement is needed to heal our community. Posts like these only deepen the frustrations of men like myself who desire nothing more that a loving, understanding, supportive, and most importantly HUMBLE woman.

  4. Pingback: While I was out I gained some perspective and a TROLL. | notyourgirlfriday

  5. Fantastic post notyourgirlfriday! I can hardly believe I missed it before. Everything you said was 100% correct, which is no doubt why the troll above felt compelled to post a “you must be wrong because you’re a Black woman” comment. But I guess I should thank the troll, because if you had not written a post responding to his ridiculous comment I might never have stumbled across this terrific post. So, Thanks Jim Burns!

    And since he wants a “humble woman” I’d like to refer him and the “frustrated men” like him to a homeless shelter in their immediate area. I volunteer at one in my town, and I can assure you that there are very few women in such places who have anything left to feel proud of. However, I cannot guarantee that even homeless, destitute and desperate women will respond positively to someone as condescending and arrogant as Jim Burns and his ilk. But, let’s face it, such men have a better chance with a woman in dire straits than with the many contented and successful BW who know that they have options. 😉

    • There is one more “black women shaming” tactic that was left unmentioned. A tactic that was practiced on this very blog and that is the tactic of attempting to make any black woman who does not agree with everything being said here feel ashamed. There are some things black women should be ashamed of when it comes down to playing their part in the demise of the black family and black community. However the need to put it ALL on the black man or the white man is a necessity because it is easier to do that than to come together as sisters and fix ourselves.

      I agree there is some degree of black women shaming , HOWEVER, there are some things that black women should be ashamed of without anyone else having to tell you. The mere fact that black women seem to have NO SHAME is the saddest shame of all.

      • Sigh, For the love of…..!

        I don’t know why you’re even here. But I will say that you must not have read ANY other blog post than this one. Your pathetic attempts to sum up my blog in one post have failed and you must be desperate for black women to mule themselves out for the black community otherwise you wouldn’t be here in the first place. Unlike the Shamers like you who FOUND MY BLOG and think you’re going to put me in my place I did not go LOOKING for you. People come to my blog freely…. and speaking of that…

        The revolving door is always open.

        Good DAY.

    • Thanks!

      Yes, everyone should thanks Jim Burns, actually because of him more people are reading this post than before, which is not
      a problem for me,since I want more black women to see this.

      He actually did me a favor.

      I don’t even think the homeless and destitute would be willing to put up with Jim Burns. Which is why he’s trolling my blog in the first place.

  6. Pingback: Black Women Shaming 101 | Black Female Culture

  7. This post is epic. Thank you for this outstanding work. It should be used as a syllabus for ‘Black Female Enlightenment 101’. The ray of light from this body of work is so great that is has attracted the ‘common cold’ of progressive black women – their blogs, writings & collectives – a black male troll. Proof positive of all the truths put forth in your post. Please BFC, do not feed trolls – moderate, delete, block or sic the the authorities on this troll malignancy. I eagerly await your next installment.

  8. I had to read it more than once, then called my daughter into my room to read it. Thank you for a well thought out critical analysis of what black women are experiencing as we speak.

  9. Example 3:Don’t date anyone else black women, nobody will ever want you.

    All of these keep black women’s legs and wallets and time open to whoever decides to use them. And keeps black women afraid of saying NO because they wonder “What will it be like out there if I leave?” or they go along with it because they think. “I don’t want to be hurt.”

    Onelesssoldier…stop flirting with me.

    *bows to the mistress*

  10. Really good post! Awesome blog.

    I’m wondering what the experiences of black women in Europe are… maybe someone could recommend me a good blog from a European black woman? I’m black and European by the way, and I’m really interested in knowing how different or similar black women’s experiences are in the Western (white) world (comparing the USA to Europe).

  11. Pingback: Troll Commenter Wants me to respond to his “points” instead I’m going to address my readers about how correct I was about intersectionality theory. | notyourgirlfriday

  12. OKAY!! It was going great until the part about HBO’s “Girls”.

    WHY, WHY, WHY did black women have to be written into this particular show’s script?!

    WHY is that necessary?!

    Are ANY of the writer’s for “Girls” black?? Answer: No

    Isn’t the whole cast cauasian?? So, if they have to include black women, why stop there? They should include asian women, indian women, eskimo women too! But guess what!

    They don’t have to! It’s THEIR work! It’s their story! Written by THEM, 4 white women!

    MY GOD!!

    I’m sure I will agree with 98% of everything posted here but this madness of trying to FORCE other races to include us into has got to STOP.

    We look like BEGGARS when we do this!

    Write your own fucking story and stop “protesting” your way into other’s shit!!

    • You know I can’t think of any other group that is shamed out of expecting reciprocity from group claiming to be their allies. You know, I even wrote a post about this. When white women got written out of television roles they got angry and protested until white men gave them a role. There were no excuses of “sorry make your own”. Hell white women are still “begging” white men to treat them fairly. While wining that they only get to play the HOT roles. I suppose that by this logic, they should take it too? Except they do not and nobody expects them to. To think that it’s ridiculous for white women to put their supposed ALLIES in movies is just another shame tactic. Further these same women who so kindly leave black women out of when they get their leg up, are the exact same one who expect black women to fall on knives with slut walks and so forth. When you claim to be friends then YES you DO have to include them and put your money where your mouth is, without SHAMING. otherwise you’re just not friends. (Which is what i’ve been saying on my entire blog.)

      Id also like to consider the point is just whether or not black women can make their own media or should. Obviously we all know the answer to that. The point is that when black women ask why their supposed “friends” are never willing to help them up while expecting the same from black women, they are SHAMED for expecting reciprocity. When you have an ALLY you help them. OTHERWISE YOU ARE NO ALLY AT ALL.

      Finally, The point is also that white women, when they did put a black person on the show, put a black MAN. My point, and again i written about this entire girls debacle in NUMEROUS posts of mine, is that these women also have the same tendency to make black women look WORSE in the media when black women are included.

  13. This is an amazing article that I can’t believe I haven’t read yet. O_O

    You absolutely summed up all the things I experienced when I elected to bypass the Feminist movement and the type of hypocrisy that such black women are regularly confronted with.

    I hate the question, “How can you be a woman and not be a feminist?” As if womanhood began with feminism and there’s no other way to represent and stand up for one’s self. The implication is that you need SOMEONE ELSE’S PERMISSION to fight for your rights and demand equality. How ironic is that?

    As for the comment above me, I’m always seeing black women scared to death that someone is going to think of them as “desperate” and “thirsty” or “pathetic” when they demand representation. Never mind that television became WHITER within the past decade than any other time in history, save the 1950s. Anyone with eyes can see how ridiculous that is, and therefore it’s absolutely necessary to speak up.

    I also side-eyed the fuck out of “GIrls” adding a black man to the cast in an attempt to shut up black women. It’s really sad that black women did not get the gist of that vile act: It was a blatant denial of our femininity by making us interchangeable with black men. How the heck does adding a MAN to the cast answer my concerns as a WOMAN? And this the type of person feminists are falling all over?

    Things that make you go “hmm, and make me take even further steps away from that perpetually racist movement.

  14. Pingback: A Lesson in Neutrality: #STAYINGOUTOFIT | NotYourGirlFriday

  15. Gosh this post is sooo fantastic i’m almost speechless. i love your posts so much because you put into words what i’ve been trying to understand in my mind. i love it. this post really speaks to me soooo much. i hate reading those “why are black women single????” articles and comment sections because they are sooooo obviously bias and they don’t even realize it because they’re too hard headed!!!! that reminds me of when i took Advanced Placement psychology my junior year of high school and one thing my teacher said really pissed me off. she basically said it’s been psychologically proven that people with blonde hair and blue eyes are seen as more beautiful and more trustworthy. (oh and she just so happened to be a white woman with blonde hair and blue eyes). i was sitting there STUNNED with SO MUCH RAGE. i’m just like what????????? YOU’RE A PSYCHOLOGY TEACHER. HOW CAN YOU FAIL TO SEE THE BIAS IN STUDIES LIKE THAT?? THE OBVIOUS RACISM????? HOW CAN PSYCHOLOGICAL SCIENTISTS MISS THE FLAWS IN THESE TYPES OF INVESTIGATIONS???? keep in mind she was telling this to HIGH SCHOOLERS. i’m wondering what else I’ve been taught by Bias white women all my life.
    on the bright side, i’m slowly starting to escape from the racism and sexism i’ve been taught since i was born. oh and i just wanted to add, i hate it when people say they “just have a preference”. im just like that’s total bullshit and you know it. “I don’t like asian guys” isn’t a preference. “I don’t like black girls” isn’t a preference. It’s a racist generalization. what a major coincidence that these people with “preferences” also happen to be “color blind”. lol. save the BS. but i guess all i can do is just stay away from people like that because at the end of the day people like that are too stubborn to notice all the wrong society has taught them and is currently feeding them. anyways i’m sorry about going off on random tangents again… haha i just love your posts 🙂 i’ll try to continue commenting.

    • Of course that psychology teacher didn’t care about her racist comments. She’s not going to give up her racial privilege. My sociology teacher was the same way. It always amazes me when I see women like this giving their opinions and then asking for support in their shitty movements. And then it makes me angry.

  16. Pingback: To the Question of Why… And, How to Remain Blissfully Neutral | NotYourGirlFriday

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