The Hypocritical,Privileged, and Deluded Want Black Women To Know They Should Love Themselves

Yet again another example of how black women get played.  See the problem with trying to work with the deluded the dumb and the privileged is that they have no idea how logic works.  And because of their positions they either don’t have to think logically because it doesn’t affect them or they are too stupid to realize that they are being affected.

You see I have a problem. A big one. Call me a nitpicker, a fool but I see some gaping holes in the sound arguments that black people make and I just can’t ignore it.  But before I’ll get to why I have a problem I’ll explain what I’m talking about.

Recently The Root wrote an article talking about the article Clutch wrote( oh why does it always have to start here?)

Basically the gist isn’t original, it’s the same thing that’s always been peddled to black women like a vacuum cleaner from a door to door salesman: Black women you need to love yourselves. You don’t need validation.

I wouldn’t have a problem with this statement at first glance  *nobody* should need validation to make them feel like a human being. DUH.  But here’s the fuckery in this statement. (Has anyone else caught on yet? Probably not)

This isn’t a utopian society, we don’t live in a vacuum. We notice what people think about us and we care. It’s called having feelings, wanting to be accepted.  Any psychology 101 student could tell you that this is a basic human need. (Hell people get married because they want to love and be loved.)

And yet  in a classic case of othering somehow black women are exempt from wanting to have these things. Instead they are told “Black women don’t care that people constantly put you down in the media.” “Black women don’t notice when you’re treated like shit.” Black women don’t notice that you are pressured to fit into a  standard that you can’t  ever live up to.”  “And don’t try and live up to it to make your lives easier.  To do that would be self hate.” Hell there was an entire movie about “GOOD HAIR and how much black women hated themselves because they wanted to “Look white”.

But I just can’t ignore the fuckery by the people who say things like this. It’s the same insensitivity that people have when they tell someone to ignore bullying at school and recite platitudes like  “Sticks and stones” ,”Love yourself”, “It gets better” blah blah blah, and all of that similar bullshit.

I’m not going to accept these gracious attempts at helping me achieve #Self Love.

Because anybody can see that this is an attempt to victim blame black women.  And the victim blaming would be bad enough but what’s worse is the fact that again the people who are always preaching  to black women about self love and validation are the ones who are inherently given it.  I wrote an article a while ago (I think called “Need an example.. Use the black girl” about how black women are always the ones on TV sacrificed  for societies lessons on self love.

Think about Glee. All of the women who are not black are pretty, popular, have boyfriends, are skinny.. etc (basically everything that black women are considered not having.) And  yet when it was time to cast Mercedes (nothing against amber riley) they got a woman who fit into the traditional stereotype of black women. (Sassy overweight, single.)

Of course feminists can tell black women that they need to love themselves… they are inherently given validation as women because they are white! They are always cast as the pretty, popular character. The same goes for deluded black women and privileged black men. Chris Rock can blather on and on and on (along with other male celebrities) about how much black women shouldn’t hate their hair and themselves because as men they have the privilege of shaving off the object of  societies derision.  They can walk around with no hair on the fucking head, because they are men. They don’t even need to have to worry about it. Not to mention they get respect because they are MEN.

*Sigh* I’m  starting to feel like a parrot reciting the same thing over and over. But this keeps coming up and it’s PISSING ME OFF!!!

The only reason why black women are the ones singled out about self love is because nobody realizes that the people who don’t have a problem with loving themselves are only there because of their Male and White privilege. And because of these privileges they don’t have to think about the same problems that affect black women.

Black men don’t have to think about how something as trivial as their hair or their weight places them in society because they are MEN.  They have the privilege that protects them. So goes it for white women who can ignore traditional societies orders of trying to conform because everyone is trying to conform TO THEM because they are WHITE!

But the problem with working with this problem is that it ignores that privilege intersects at race and gender and that puts black women in a bad position. Because black women are forced to find some empty spring of self love. The spring of self love that black men and white women and white men get to drink from because they are male or white(or in white men’s case both). Basically validation comes from somewhere (race, gender) and telling black women to love themselves while basically dying of thirst (that could be quenched i they had privilege) is the reason why so many black women crash and burn is simply dumb.  It has to come from somewhere.  And yet people are astonished when black women (who are kept from drinking from the validation well because of their race and gender) don’t  LOVE themselves.

Telling black from the privileged (at least more privilege than black women) to simply “love themselves, and not seek validation is faulty and douchey  because. It’s puts the responsibility on black women to take crap on the chin. But ignores the fact that two other less marginalized groups don’t have to take it because of their privilege.

It others black women in the worst way. Othering them into not wanting what everyone else has. And is inherently given. Because black men are inherently given validation because they are male. And white women are given the same things because they are white.  Also it leaves black women with not choice but to work in the flawed system instead of tearing it down.

Basically, black women get bum fucked.

The idea of self love is good. But currently tell black women to just ignore it leaves them back where they started. Everyone needs validation, but these group are given it inherently and don’ have to care. Black women are working with a system that is destroying them. Simply loving yourself doesn’t just come. But nobody wants to change the system because everyone besides black women are benefiting in some way.

This is why I say again and again that the best thing that black women can do, if they can’t stop the system from screwing them, is to stop paying into. (See previous posts to know what i’m refering to.) In other words  do what you need to do. Don’t feel guilty if you try and conform to society in some way. Everyone else is doing (and benefiting from it) They’re just to privileged to realize it, or to selfish to give it up.

http://www.theroot.com/buzz/your-validation-no-longer-necessary

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7 thoughts on “The Hypocritical,Privileged, and Deluded Want Black Women To Know They Should Love Themselves

  1. Awesome article! I agree with everything that you said. The sad thing is that right now and any issues effecting black women promotes dollar signs on and off-line. So the bloggers that continue to regurgitate what they deem “hot bw issues” of the week will be placed on the repeat button for the world to see.

    • Exactly which is why black women have to really pay attention because if they want to have any power, as a lot of bloggers say they have to vote with their wallets. Black women spend too much money not to spend it wisely.

  2. *claps* Bravo! I used to vlog on YouTube, and I used to say the same things you were saying here. I caught a lot of flack for it. We are entitled to have our ups and downs. We are not robots. We deserve to be called beautiful, lovely, sexy, and etc. We deserve to have men praise and worship us. As petty as it may sound to some, we deserve our own commercials selling major beauty products without being chaperoned. We deserve magazine covers. We deserve to be treated like darlings of the universe.

    Now I’m going to take this a little further and tell you the same thing I told YouTubers about self love. (this really pissed people off)

    The vast majority of privileged people in society have built their self-love the same way beach goers build a castle out of sand. It will last for a while but it will wash away eventually. You build your castle and cringe every time a wave comes a little too close. When the wave recedes you feel a little triumph. Then the tide comes in and wash your castle away. You are left devastated, but not to worry. There will always be more sand (privilege) to build your castle from. Other’s aren’t even allowed to play on your “private” beach to build their castles. So you can rest assured.

    There is a reason why white women, and beautiful women go ape boo boo when they start to age. It’s becuase they are so used to being privileged. I remember when the very first CoverGirl Cybil Sheperd was on Oprah. She got to cry about how she was so insecure despite everyone re-enforcing how beautiful she was, and she was making a lot of money off of it. She whined that she was “defined by her beauty”. Then one day she realized how much she aged, and she crashed. This happened becuase her self love was built out of sand. The system she benefited from threw her away for a younger model, but she knew that already. She never even tried to dismantle the system until she was OUT. Most people would never own up to this.

    I remember when the Tyra show had Aishwarya Rai on there. Tyra asked Ash (Of all people why her!?) about whether or not one of her old contestants off of ANTM, Anchal Joseph, had a valid point about colorism with Indians. You know what Ash said? Anchal should just be confident and love herself… *side eye* I was so angry I turned off the screen. Of course! Why in the world would THE Aishwarya Rai admit that she has privilege over the dark skinned beauty? This is the same Aishwarya that has sold fairness products. Ash knows better than to admit her bread & butter comes from being fair skinned, euro looking, and light eyed. She would never betray the status quo. What’s even more ironic is that Tyra is another example of someone who benefited off of unfair beauty standards. This is the same Tyra who lost weight after telling everyone to kiss her fat a**. Don’t worry y’all she did it for health. They will never admit that they don’t really love themselves. They have droves of people who will do it for them, and a system that re-enforces it. Mum is the word.

    Yet, underprivileged women lack self-love. Yeah right. Am I the only one who feels that underprivileged women have the right to give themselves advantages they weren’t born with?

    • The vast majority of privileged people in society have built their self-love the same way beach goers build a castle out of sand. It will last for a while but it will wash away eventually. You build your castle and cringe every time a wave comes a little too close. When the wave recedes you feel a little triumph. Then the tide comes in and wash your castle away. You are left devastated, but not to worry. There will always be more sand (privilege) to build your castle from. Other’s aren’t even allowed to play on your “private” beach to build their castles. So you can rest assured.

      You know I find this to be true too. It seems like these people only have self confidence because other build them up,and of course that’s fleeting then they’re up a creek without a paddle.

      I remember Ash Rai on Tyra and I vaguely remember that comment. Of course she’s not going to point it out she benifits. I had no idea though that she sold lightening products. And oh the irony at Tyra asking about colorism when she benefited in her career.

      Yet, underprivileged women lack self-love. Yeah right. Am I the only one who feels that underprivileged women have the right to give themselves advantages they weren’t born with?

      No you aren’t the only one.

  3. “Black women don’t notice that you are pressured to fit into a standard that you can’t ever live up to.” “And don’t try and live up to it to make your lives easier”.

    I fit into the standard and I am happy about it : I am thin, I dress femininely and style my hair in ways that are Euro centric friendly. Why wouln’t I? I live in the Western world.

    Why wouln’t I? Other women do it :

    Ethnic women
    -Gwyneth Paltrow (a curly black haired Jewish girl) whose Hollywood self is blond and straight
    -Jennifer Aniston (a curly black haired Greek girl) who rose to fame thanks to Rachel (her blond straight Friends’ alter ego)

    Redheads
    -Nicole Kidman (a natural redhead) who becomes blond if needs be (see Grace of Monaco)
    -Gilian Anderson (a natural redhead) who is blond in her latest tv show …
    -Marylin Monroe (aka Norma Jean) who is the symbol of Hollywood blond beauties and yet was born with redhead

    Asian women
    -Kelly Hu supposedly had eye surgery
    -Julie Chen

    So yeah, I love my natural self. I also love how certain looks open certain doors. And I am not the only one

  4. Pingback: Oct. 27: Telling Others To Ignore What You Enjoy…Hypocritical Much? : Mother of Color

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